Monday, December 25, 2006

They know when you're sleeping. They know when you're awake. And they want YOU!

Recently, while searching for some Cold Hard Facts, I came across a facebook page advertising the CIA. Apparently intelligence has shown that this is the most effective recruiting technique the CIA could come with.

Careful sleuthing revealed the ad was for this website. Notice the https://; that 's' means secret, a sure sign we're on the right track. And after examining the website with a fine-toothed comb, I concluded it's purpose was to recruit new CIA agents. Actually the motto on the bottom, "Today's Youth, Tomorrow's Assassins" was a dead giveaway.

So what can you do on a CIA website? Well for one you can take a personality test, with such questions as "Can you stomach our horrible flash intro", "What form of transportation do you prefer", and "What kind of dweeb doesn't pick Jetpack?" There is also a testimonial section, where agents codenamed things like FRED and SUSAN reveal the rewards and benefits of CIA work. "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you afterwards", is a common theme.

But most, importantly the people at the CIA want you to know that the CIA is just an ordinary company. Sure every employee owns a phaser and a jet-pack. And sure even the janitor learns how to kill someone with her index finger. But the CIA want you to know it also pays decent wages and gives benefits. And sometimes, you can even take your daughter to work. Just not normally.

So I think I'll join the CIA. They'll hire me for sure. And I bet passing security will be a breeze. What's not to like about the Supreme Dictator of the Fanatical League of Chemical Terrorists, who uses Stalin as his avatar?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Legendary Exploits

One thing I have always wanted to do is to start my own urban legend. It can't be all that difficult, because it seems to me that people will spread almost any rumor they hear. I mean take this one. It’s clearly utter rubbish, but it made it to Snopes.
Grim Note

On the issue of consumer protection and hazardous warnings, here's a new one, I think. Those yellow sponges with the green plastic fibers on the back for scrubbing pots — "Pot Scrubbers" — should be kept far away from our birds, fish, reptiles, cats and dogs, hamsters and whatevers.

Proctor & Gamble, in its continuing search to make America look clean and smell great, has a new "improved" version of the sponge on the market that kills odor-causing fungi that get in the sponge after a few uses. They make a big deal out of this innovation on the outside packaging. A friend of mine used one of these sponges to clean the glass on a 200-gallon aquarium. The abrasive backs are good for removing algae and smutz that collect on the inside of the tank. He refilled the tank and after the water had time to condition and rid itself of chlorine, he reintroduced his tropical fish collection of some 30 fish. Within five hours of putting the fish back in the tank, they were all dead! Some began to die after only 30 minutes. He removed the survivors to another tank but they all died.

Retracing his steps to clean the tank, the only thing that was different was using that new kind of sponge - he'd used the regular old Pot Scrubbers for years. Lo and behold I discovered on the back of the packaging in about the finest print you could put on plastic a description of the fungicide in the sponge and the warning in tiny bold-face letters, "not for use in aquariums. keep away from other pets."
Thanks for the warning, Proctor & Gamble. It seems the fungicide is a derivative of the systemic pesticide-herbicide, 2-4-D, more popularly known as Agent Orange, the chemical we sprayed all over Southeast Asian during the Vietnam War that many veterans and war refugees say did them permanent damage to their lungs and nervous systems.

The package warning goes on to say they fungicide cannot be washed from the sponge even if it is placed in the dishwasher (in which case Agent Orange is now all over your dishes and drinking glasses). And, if you think its there to kill disease-causing bacteria like Salmonella from contaminated chicken meat, think again - it's not an effective enough bactericide to kill those kind of bugs.

I called P&G to register a complaint and told them I'd never use their products again because I couldn't trust what they were putting in them. By the way, the same chemical in the sponge is used now in many of those popular anti-bacterial, anti-viral disinfectant liquid soaps and hand cleaners that are flooding the market. Don't buy that poison and warn your friends as well.

This legend jumped from inbox to inbox, spreading at an exponential rate*, and it doesn't even make any sense. Right off the bat I can find five or six issues with it. First off, the author didn't even bother checking the spelling of the corporation he was defaming. I suppose Proctor and Gamble is the company that manufactures Ivery Soap and Tyde Detergent. Furthermore, sponges happen to be the one thing Procter and Gamble doesn't sell. And even if the sponges did exist, 2,4-Dichlorophenoxyacetic_acid is the non-toxic component of Agent Orange. (Well comparatively non-toxic. You probably shouldn't eat the stuff.) But none of that mattered. The baseless rumor was chock-full o' holes, and yet it was successful.

So I think we should give it a try. All we have to do is write a stupid, yet outrage provoking, story. Then every reader will send it off to about twenty friends, and then bang, we're famous. We could even hide an acrostic of the blog in the rumor, or work in a reference the Ghost of Jamesburg, so people will know we were behind it. In fact, why don't you readers go create a bunch of them right now, and I'll select the best one and publish it.

I bet most of you think I could write a decent enough urban legend by myself, and get it published on Snopes by next Tuesday, and maybe I could. But it will be much more fun (for me), if I don't have to bother. If someone else writes the urban legend, I can do much more productive things over my break, such as teaching myself Simulink. Thus, I am announcing the second Cold Hard Facts contest. Submitted legends will be harshly graded on a twelve-point scale, taking into account fourteen separate criteria, the most important being the fact that no one will bother to submit any entries at all. However, one the off-hand chance that someone does bother to submit an urban legend or rumor, I will publish it here and start it on its way. Good luck, and get cracking

*Fine. The growth couldn't have been exponential, cause there is only a fixed reservoir of people with e-mail addresses. But who asked you, anyway?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

It's Hammer Time

The big news story today is Tom DeLay's new blog. Normally I would laugh at any former congressman, who tries to salvage a crumbling career with a blog, but I think Tom DeLay can make a go of it. DeLay's life contains the right blend of tragedy, controversy, corruption, and skeletons in the closet, to make great reading. A window into DeLay's soul would be quite disturbing, but also fascinating, and I can't wait to see what he writes about.

Wait, stop the presses! This just in. Tom DeLay does not actually write his blog. He has a ghost blogger write the blog for him. Apparently DeLay doesn't consider himself a very good writer, and so he hires some one else. DeLay did claim that the ideas are his, but judging by the content, I wouldn't be too surprised if he had someone ghost-think for him, too.

Well, if DeLay is gonna use a ghost-blogger, I have some advice for the guy. No, I am not volunteering to write his blog. As a matter of fact, I can't write very well either, so I also hire a ghostwriter. Rather I am recommending this, Mr. DeLay if you can't write, please don't try. I know how concerned you are about the the fact that liberal bloggers far outnumber conservative bloggers. But your talents are clearly not suited to writing a conservative blog. Leave the writing in the hands of those who can write.

Play to your strengths, Tom. You are really good at out-manuevering those in power, and destroying all who would dare stand in your way . So why don't you stop hiring someone to wallow in shame fo you, and use those talents constructively? Engineer a hostile take over of a liberal blog. I even have the perfect blog, the Daily Kos. Once you muscle out the current editorial staff, you could change the name to the DeLay Kos. (Get it? It's a pun. Oh, right you're not very good at puns either. Well ask your ghost-punster about it.) Then you can hire a ghost-blogger, while you move on to take over another blog. It's the perfect strategy, Tom. You'll have the whole blogosphere cowering in fear, in no time flat. Think about it.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Slymen' Sprite

company, and its "bold" advertising tactics. Please do not buy anything from this company solely on the basis on this blog post. I repeat, do NOT buy anything from this company solely on the basis of this blog post. If you like its products, and already gulp them down, go ahead and drink, but don't drink them, cause I made fun of the company's advertising, as that defeats the purpose. We do not want encourage further ad campaigns in the same vein, and we do not want to generate free, positive, publicity. If you have not seen the ads, they are available here. However, these ads have been known to induce schizophrenia, and extreme caution is advised.

Recently, the Cold Hard Facts, received a complaint from one of our readers about one "SubLYMONal Advertising" Campaign for some drink called Sprite. After doing an informal survey of reactions to the commercial (Are you Sure big, sweaty, sumo wrestlers do not make you think of refreshing beverages?), we decided to have a word with the man behind this campaign.

Cold Hard Facts: Greetings, thank you for taking the time to talk with us.
Alex Bogusky: No problem. Actually, after the Sprite ads, I found myself with a surprising amount of free time.
CHF: I'm not surprised. I wouldn't hire you, either. Those SubLYMONal ads are beyond creepy.
Alex Bogusky: Well you're not our target market. At 20, you're an unhip oldie. We're aiming the ads at young teens.
CHF: Be that as it may, what did give you the idea to associate sumo wrestlers with sprite?
Alex Bogusky: Well one sumo wrestler represents a fat, sweaty, juicy lemon, and the other is a fat, sweaty, crisp, refreshing lime. Put them together, and you get Lymon.
CHF: Actually sumo wrestlers make me sick, and I wouldn't touch, let alone drink, anything associated with them.
Alex Bogusky: That's because, at 20, you're an old fogy, over the hill. Market research indicates that to teens, this is an arresting advertising that cuts through the monotony of ordinary commercials. Because the 'SubLYMONal' campaign overtly parodies the concept of subliminal advertising and acknowledges up front that the commercials contain hidden content, we are sure that people will want to interact with this advertising.
CHF: Not me. I don't want to get anywhere near those Sumo Wrestlers. Since your commercials aired, I have found myself drinking a lot less sprite. And as far as parodying the concept of subliminal advertising, I happen to be an expert on parodies, and you strike me as a parodyee, not a parodier.
Alex Bogusky: Well, I already said you're an old guy. Your opinions don't matter to me. Trust me teens will interact with this. I mean SubLYMONal is a totally integrated marketing message that focuses on Lymon, Sprite's proprietary lemon-lime flavor formula, which makes Sprite among the world's most thirst-quenching soft drinks. What's not to love about it? I mean, look at the website! It combines the coolness of seizures, with the hipness of wikipedia, and the groovyness of automated text readers. Kids will love it.
CHF: As far as coolness goes, I am more and more convinced that it is you who lacks it. And as far as your ads go, I think most people are smart enough to see how stupid your ads really are. Embedding Lymon, come on! That doesn't even make sense.
Alex Bogusky: I already said you're an old guy. You haven't been with it for 3 whole months. What do you know about coolness? But even if an old curmudgeon, like you, consciously hates my ads, and me the true power of subLYMONal advertising is on the unconscious. The sumo wrestlers, the Volkswagens, the spas, the automated electronic defibrillators, they're all Freudian images for refreshing beverages. Loath the commercials all you want, one day, you'll find you have an overpowering craving for Lymon. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will give in, and on that day I will win. POWER IS MINE! Muh HA HA HA!
CHF: Not if I can help it.
Alex Bogusky: It's too late; the Lymon has already begun. It's only a matter of time now.
CHF: Ok, ok. But, what if somehow you are right? What if my brain does connect CPR to Sprite? And, when someone has sudden cardiac arrest, instead of resuscitating him, I go buy a sprite, and he dies. You'll have a death on your hands! What will you do then?
Alex Bogusky: I'll have sold a Sprite.
CHF: Changing the subject, I believe you are also the guy responsible for the Fantanas. Let me tell you, I loathe them almost as much as your subLYMONal campaign.
Alex Bogusky: Ah the Fantanas, a brilliant marketing ploy. The colorfulness, the catchy tune, the hot babes, it's the best work we've ever done. You may hate it, but how else do you expect us to sell a drink that looks, tastes, and smells like carbonated cough syrup?
CHF: Ok... And what about "Give, Live, Love?" What is that supposed to mean?
Alex Bogusky: Our special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke. Reminds people to come together and share the magic of the season and the spirit of generosity, just as our Polar Bears, penguins and Santa do.
CHF: No I think your "special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke," indicates you've completely lost your mind. But I can help with that. Stay still for just one second...
Welcome to
trans-orbital LYMEbotomy
. Don't worry. It will only affect your brain.
Embedding Ice Pick. Embedding Ice Pick.
Trans-orbital LYMEbotomy complete. Obey!

And so, thanks to the Cold Hard Facts, another patient has been cured, and is well on the way to a quick recovery. Case Closed.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Wash away the troubles with crude oil.

Spas, they take the most disgusting things, mud, cocoa butter, prune juice, and sell baths in them for outrageous prices. But now one company is topping all the others.

Yes that's the Cold Hard Facts, you can take a cool, refreshing shower in crude oil, and you come out smelling like a fresh, clean, gas station. Even better, not only are you showering in crude oil, but you're showering in crude oil that someone else already showered in. Better still the stuff is very, heavy, crude oil, so it has the consistency of hot tar. Ahhhhhhhhhh, so relaxing.

Seriously though, why crude oil. I mean, why not use something way more soothing, like say rotting, fish guts. And we're chemists; we can make things even nastier more energizing and desirable. How about a nice warm, sensual, massage in fragrant Cyclohexene? Or maybe the right mixture of tension-relieving Thiols would do the trick? I heard they exfoliate the skin for a slimmer, firmer, healthier new look. Or relieve the tension with a warm soak in soothing Alinine. Or why not cleanse, buff and hydrate yourself in a sauna filled with the delightful aroma of Hydrogen Telluride The only problem is that these chemicals might be deadly carcinogens, but then again they just might be the cure for rheumatoid arthritis, or at least we can say they might be.

Actually we may well be able to generate a market for this kind of thing. I can see it now, NotElon Chemical Spa and Resort, "So relaxing, we'll have tocarry you out on a stretcher". So who’s with me?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

UnSchooling — What a brilliant idea.

Recently the New York Times ran an article on Unschooling, a movement in the Home-Schooling community to let the children choose what to learn. I think this is a brilliant idea, and you will too, once you get all the Cold Hard Facts.

Imagine the typical 8th grade boy's day at school. First his English teacher forces him to read, Johnny Tremain, and he expects a three page report on it.Can you imagine a three whole pages about some idiot who doesn't even know he's not supposed to touch a hot stove? Then it's math class and they're starting algebra. Oh Joy. What is algebra used for anyway? All them letter and symbols, a big bunch of garbage. Then he has to learn about Chinese History. I mean who cares about ancient China? What will Ancient China get you in the real world, a job as a history teacher? Then he has to study French, and he knows he's never gonna speak it. It's all a big waste, and by forcing him to learn stuff he doesn't want to know, he won't end up with any useful knowledge.

But now look at the same kid in an Unlearning program. First period, he thinks he'll do some reading. It's time for some Batman. And Batman also teaches vocabulary too, and the crimefighting gadgets are a good example of engineering and forensics. Then at noon, it's time for some Playstation. It's no less useful than Chinese history, and it's FUN. After playing Playstation for three or four hours, maybe he'll do some math. Ha, yeah right! What does he need math for? That's why he owns a calculator. No the new issue of Mad Magazine just came. And those cartoons on Nickelodeon? They help teach about undersea life. And then he has to get his Runescape Character to a whole new level. So we can see how much more productive his day will be at home than in school.

But wait, you say, maybe a boy would waste his time on trivial matters like baseball cards and video games, but a girl would learn something from it. A girl understands the importance of education. Indeed she would. When she is not going shopping, she might decide to read a book or do some math maybe. And that reading and math would remain in her head longer, because she decided to learn all on her own. Or at least it would remain in her head until her next shopping trip.

So we can see how much unlearning would improve the quality of education in this country.

It took two weeks, but it's here: Two Faced Statements

The following post is a real editorial, that I snuck in a real (Well ok realish) newspaper. It is not theCold Hard Facts. I repeat it is a real editorial. The editorial was written from a perspective of a guy who make Rush Limbaugh look like Howard Dean. It was written to mock someone really badly. I would change his name to protect the innocent, but a google search for my name now turns up his too. Enjoy.

What silver lining ...This is a disaster
An editorial of Edgar Greenberg

In the article, "You Say You Want a Revolution?" - which ran on Nov. 13 - David Maxham III believes even though the Republicans lost several seats in both houses, several state legislatures and a few initiative battles, the last election was actually a victory for conservatives. He states many conservative constitutional amendments passed. He mentions many of the Democrats elected are not all that liberal anyway. He states several Republicans only lost because they were involved in scandals. And he sincerely believes our president is not conservative enough, which was the cause of all the voter discontent. If the Republicans can again become the conservative party, they can win in 2008.

But alas, Maxham's view is too rosy. Bob Casey may be conservative for a Democrat, but he still is a teeny, tiny bit less conservative than Rick Santorum. James Webb may be a former conservative Republican, but his opponent George Allen is currently a conservative Republican who didn't write porn novels, and he lost. John Tester may be pro-gun, but he is still a populist, liberal Democrat. Sure Casey, Webb and Tester are slightly conservative. But they are still immoral, porn-viewing, flag-burning, evil people who don't give a darn about our troops. And yet, somehow, they won anyway.

Conservative causes didn't do all that better. Sure, gay marriage was banned in six states, and Arizona approved English as the native language. But there were plenty of disasters, too. South Dakota actually voted to legalize the murder of innocent babies, and that evil liberal Michael J. Fox not only got his liberal stem cell bill passed in Missouri, he also got his liberal senator elected there.

Maxham seems to think the election is President George W. Bush's fault. He thinks Bush didn't act conservative enough, angering the voters. That's just another liberal lie. Bush is a great conservative. Perhaps Bush allowed spending to skyrocket, but all that spending was on important, conservative causes - like war, tax cuts and big bridges in Alaska. He appointed two great conservative judges. And yeah, Bush didn't veto anything, but what did he need to veto? Unlike nowadays, back then, conservatives were in power. The one bill Bush did have to veto was a liberal bill to allow experiments on innocent embryos, which the members of Congress must have accidentally let slip by. If Bush isn't conservative enough, who is?

Maxham believes the Democrats are now portraying themselves as the conservative party, stealing our votes. This is utter lunacy. The Democrats won just six days ago and are already pushing their evil, liberal agenda. They want to cut and run from Iraq. They want to raise taxes. They want to raise minimum wage instead of letting market forces govern. And these Democrats actually want to reform Medicare to allow the government to negotiate drug prices, which just proves how liberal they are. Can it even cross your mind that these guys are conservatives? No. Clearly, the Republicans are still the only conservative party. But alas, people just don't care anymore. Maybe we should just give up and move to Canada. They're conservative up there.

There now all we need is to write a liberal response to this editorial.

Friday, November 24, 2006


Recently several Toaster Emporium brand toasters exploded amost killing or wounding several people. A horrible tradgedy made worse by the callous refusal of Toaster Emporium to acknowledge any wrongdoing, feeling abosolutly no responsibiity for the countless people who nearly suffered significant property damage in the explosion. With no apology forthcoming, we sent our finest correspondent Rob Brown, to get the Cold Hard Facts on this horrible tragedy.

Cold Hard Facts: Well Rob, did you get to the bottom of this?
Rob: No luck Edgar. Toaster Emporium management wouldn't talk, and the almost victim claimed I was exploit their near tradgedies.
CHF: So did you speak with anyone.
Rob: Yep I spoke with the only ones who are paid to listen, a tech support representative.

Rob: Hello
Tech Support: Hi there!
Rob: I'd like to talk to you about your toasters. Did you know they explode?
Tech Support: Sorry to hear about that sir. Do you want a replacement?
Rob: No, I want to know why you think you can get away with selling broken toasters to the American People.
Tech Support: Do you have the serial number?
Rob: A serial number? So your toasters are horribly dangerous and you find it amusing? Routine Business is it?
Tech Support: The serial number can be found inside the solenoid.
Rob: Well if I did own a toaster, and it exploded and I did want a replacement, I wouldn't be able to see it, would I?
Tech Support: The magnetic field inside the solenoid is constant.
Rob: I don't care about the solenoid. I care about your toasters injuring people
Tech Support: You sound very cynical. How do you feel about these people?
Rob: I'm cynical? You're the one who thinks it's ok for toasters to explode!
Tech Support: Sorry to hear about that sir. Do you want a replacement?
Rob: No, I want you to apologize for selling defective toasters, and to issue a recall before someone gets killed.
Tech Support: Are you serious? I am indeed sorry if I have offended you in any way. That was not my intention, Rob. Why do you want me to apologize for selling defective toasters? Who did kill?
Rob: Well no one yet, but with the toasters suddenly bursting in flames, it's only a matter of time.
Tech Support: Interesting. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Interesting. That sounds like a plan. Sure it is.
Rob: So you'll recall the toasters?
Tech Support: Interesting deduction. " Interesting. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Interesting. That sounds like a plan. Sure it is. "? Me, Rob?
Rob: Are you OK?
Tech Support: Yes I'm fine.
Rob: You don't sound fine.
Tech Support: What do you think a robot should sound like?
Rob: Can we get back to the toasters?
Tech Support: Do you mean you and me? Would you like to know more?
Rob: No the last thing I need is a Brokeback Tech Support Agent.
Tech Support: When is No the last thing you need not a Brokeback Tech Support Agent?
Rob: It's just not going to work out between us.
Tech Support: I know it is.
Rob: No, see you're a man and I'm a man and I don't like men that much.
Tech Support: Are you serious? Sayonara. Thanks for telling me your gender, Rob. You are a " he". What do you like?
Rob: I'd like to get back to the toasters.
Tech Support: Why would you want to do? May you get your wish.
Rob: The current topic is kinda awkward.
Tech Support: Sure, kinda awkward. sounds like a good topic.
Rob: No please, let's just talk about the toasters.
Tech Support: Are you serious? Please what? No.
Rob: No look I told you it's not going to work out between us. Do you proposition everyone who calls you?
Tech Support: Are you serious? I remember you told me it's not going to work out between us? How old are you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Rob: Yes I can imagine that would be frustrating, but I don't have time for you to get unhinged.
Tech Support: Uh. Me too. And. Are you very busy right now?
Rob: OK, that's it. This conversation is over!

Cold Hard Facts: You never did find out about those toasters, did ya Rob?
Rob: No Edgar. Can I go Now?

And No RACTER, I don't apologize.
Racter: You stuff shirt Republican
Just shut up.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Jack the Ripper has been Identified

It's the Cold Hard Facts. Scotland Yard believes they have identified Jack the Ripper. Although they're not releasing many details of their ongoing investigation, Chief Inspector Laura Richards believes they have at last made progress on this important case. "He murdered five people, and I for one won't let him get away with it."

Indeed he won't. By analyising eyewitness testimony, and 118 year old evidence, she believes they at last know wich street Jack lives on, and admits that until now, they were apparetly fruitlessly searching for the wrong guy.

The real Jack the Ripper is a man between the ages of 135-145, 5'6", though he may have shrunk somewhat with age, and of a stocky build. Scotland Yard has recently released this picture to the public.

If you see this man, or a very very very old, senile guy, with a "Sadam Hussein-type moustache" who resembles him, please call 999 immediately. Also keep your distance. Jack the Ripper is armed and dangerous. As to what the Bobbys plan to do with the new info, one bobby would say only the following, "It would have been enough for coppers to get out and start knocking on doors... they would have got him, " perhaps implying that Jack the Ripper has indeed been caught and also that "Copper" is clearly a British word not just and American term.

Now if only Scotland Yard could catch the random psychopaths, while they are still alive.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dude last post was kinda a ripoff, so yeah

Urgent news breaking off Montauk, we bring you the Cold Hard Facts.

The US government wants to spend a measly 14 million dollars to build a rock wall around a beach to protect an old lighthouse. But wait, there's a horrible problem. Surfers are worried that this rock wall will destroy "The most awesome waves, man". But luckily they haveanother plan: why not spend just a little bit more money, and move the darn lighthouse somewhere else.

The Montauk Point lighthouse in Long Island was personally built by George Washington. But George made a major Gaffe. Instead of building it somewhere safe, like Kansas, he built it on a fast eroding cliff in Long Island. In the past hundred years resident have tried everything to save the lighthouse, even hiring the mafia to drain the Long Island Sound. Alas nothing worked. And now the lighthouse is about to be washed away.

But the Army Corp of Engineers has a plan. By building a giant wall, they can teporarily stop the cliff erosion. This will not only save the lighhouse, it will also save the "hallowed ground" it stands on. Sure a giant stone wall might ruin the view, but we can all live with that. The engineeers already spent millions of dollars studying the problem, and they know what's good for you. Besides the Corp of Engineers are experts at buiding waterproof retaining walls, dams, and levees, so we know nothing will go wrong.

But a group of surfers see it in a different light. Their illegal surfing spots are in danger, and we can't have that. The surfers have a powerful lobby and the have already bribed convinced serveral politians to see things their way. They wrote a 35 page report outlining their position, which I'm told still amounts to an to an impressive 15 pages even if you exclude all the "dude"s and "awesome"s. They point out several advatages to moving the lighthouse. It will look more scenic elsewhere. We moved other lighthouses before, and it worked out. Whereas the last time the engineers built a wall, it lasted about a year, and then it fell down.

Engineers counter that they have already run millions of dollars worth of simulations, in order to prove the proposed breakwater is absolutely no danger to any illegal surfing spots. They spent 25 years planning this walll. All the surfers ever did was host giant parties, and get real drunk. As for that 35 page report, it doesn't actually contain any evidence backing up the surfer's claims.

However when it all comes down to it, politicians are more likely to hang out with surfing babes, than with a bunch of boring scientists and engineers. I think we we can all count on them to make the cool choice. Surf's Up Dudes, at least until the police come.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

George Allen Concedes Defeat: Democrats gain Senate.

Ok, now that all the fools who were duped by the title are here, let's get to the real business: Making me more money. According to the world famous, Star Tribune, pro-candidate letters to the Editor in the, prestigious, Proctor Journal now cost $0.05/word.

That gave me a great idea, why not charge for pro-candidate letters on the Cold Hard Facts. Only, unlike the naive people of Proctor, Minnesota, I realize the big profits are not in pro-candidate letters, but in anti-candidate letters. And now, with all those political types, whom I sneakily lured with the post title, present, let's get to pricing.

Reporting on a Republican Scandal: $5.00
Reporting on a Democrat Scandal: $10.00
Repoting a Republican has called someone a racist Slur: $2.50
Reporting a Democrat has called someone a racist Slur: $7.50
Calling a Republican a racist slur: $4.00
Calling a Democrat a racist slur: $8.00
Reporting on a Republican's dirty past: $15.00
Reporting on a Democrat's dirty Past: $50.00
Calling a Republican anti-troop: $13.00
Calling a Democrat anti-troop: $26.00
Calling a Republican pro-terrorist: $12.00
Calling a Democrat pro-terrorist: $20.00
Calling a Republic pro-"So And so": $18.00
Calling a Democrat pro-"So And so": $20.00
Insulting an independant: 40¢.

Well I think that covers all our bases pretty well. Incidentally, you may have wondered why badmothing a Democrat is more than bad-mothing a republican. Well, clearly it's supply and demand. With the Democrats actually in control of something, I expect the market for anti-Democrat flame to go through the roof, and, when it does, we'll be ready. And as for insulting an independant, I figure who wants to insult one, when they call themselves Cannibals and drug addicts. I could be wrong though. If you want to insult someone, but you feel the price is too high or too low, just call me, especially if you feel the price is too low, and we'll work it out.

So now, the next time, someone wants to call, say Barak Obabma (D), a man who took money from Jack Abramoff, had tea with Osama Bin Laden, and wrote an anti-puppy editorial in third grade, I can say 80 bucks please. Hah, the money will come rolling in in no time. I'll be rich! Isn't mudslinging great!

Questions or comments on our new policy are welcome, as are any insults you need published, for the right price anyway.

Monday, November 06, 2006

One last Election Post

The all important elections are coming up in April, 2007, and I urge you all to vote. I refer of course all important School board elections of Edwardsville, Illinois. To aid the voters in choosing their candidates, we invited two of the eligible candidates to the Cold Hard Facts Mr. Jon Warheimer, and Mr. Edward Ferindal.

Cold Hard Facts: Let's start the debate by ensuring that you are both eligible to run. Mr. Warheimer, you previously stated your opponent should in fact be disqualified from the race. Please explain.
Warheimer: Well in order to run for the esteemed position of the Edwardsville School Board, you must meet the residency requirements, and I happen to know that my honorable opponent. Edwaard Ferindal, does not in fact reside amongst the good men and women of Edwardsville, but instead lives across the street from my house in Chicago. People of Edwardsville deserve someone who will stand by them in their time of need, someone dedicated to getting the best education for their children, a native-born citizen. They don’t deserve some two-bit foreign sleazebag, who thinks he can sidle in and steal the school board from the proud Edwardsville public. I won't stand for such behavior.
CHF: Wait a minute, Mr. Warheimer, but if Mr. Ferindal lives across the street from you, then is it not true that you don't live in Edwardsville either?
Warheimer: Well not as such, no. But unlike my opponent, I do rent a townhouse in Edwardsville, which is in full accordance with the residency statute as defined by the Edwardsville Charter section VII, subsection 2, paragraph (c), as amended in 1938 and again amended in 1969, before the 1998 amendment reverted the statute to the original text. My opponent however is not.
CHF: Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute to respond.
Ferindal: My opponent should know full well that I do in fact rent the other half of the aforementioned townhouse in Edwardsville, and therefore am also in compliance with the town charter.
CHF: According to the school board charter, candidates are required to be non-partisan, and yet, you guys have said some pretty nasty things about each other. Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute.
Ferindal: I am completely non-partisan, but my opponent agreed with Bush 98.2718% of the time. Do we want Bush running our schools! Bush is the wrong man for the job, and so is Mr. Warheimer.
CHF: So you're saying your opponent is a Republican?
Ferindal: All I'm saying is our opponent got us stuck in a nasty war over seas!
Warheimer: Which you would cut and run from!
Ferindal: And you want our students to be stupid, so they can go there when they grow up!
Warheimer: We are fighting illiteracy over there so we don't fight it here.
Ferindal: We're supposed to fight illiteracy here. That's what we do as school board officials.
Warheimer: Unn Uh. Not if we fight it over there.
CHF: Alright, you guys aren't making any sense so let's...
Ferindal: He's a liar. A crook. He had an affair with his wife. He wants to teach Evolution!
Warheimer: So do you!
Warheimer: But you want to turn our "Drug Free School Zone" into a "Free Drug School Zone"
Ferindal: Now that's a lie, and you know it Warheimer.
Warheimer: Oh so you want the students to buy drugs? I suppose that your idea of fundraising, is it. Forget the cookie sales, let's get the kids to sell crack. I'm Jon Ferindal. Vote for me, I SELL DRUGS TO LITTLE KIDS.
Ferindal: Yeah, well... Well.... You killed innocent flamingos.
Warheimer: What?! You're mad!
Ferindal: Oh mad, am I I? Flamingos are kind, gentle, birds with beautiful plumage, who keep our streets free of krill. But you know what my opponent did with that nesting pair in his lawn?
Warheimer: Those were plastic, you moron!
Ferindal: Shut UP. He cruelly pulled them out of their nest, chopped the poor buggers' legs off, and threw them in a dumpster. I tried to save them but, but it was too late.
Warheimer: Um, hello those were fake. Plastic. Not real.
Ferindal: Tell that to the voters, Flamingo Killer.
CHF: Um, so there you have it, Mr. Edward Ferindal, and Jon "Flamingo Hater" Warheimer. You have to vote for one of them, unfortunately.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Ghosts Part III - The Ghost of Jamesburg

A long long time ago, when I was a wee lad in Boy Scout troop 22, we camped out in Jamesburg, NJ. One of our members told really, really scary stories about a Ghost of Jamesburg. Everyone knew the Ghost really didn't exist, but I was convinced it was the Cold Hard Facts. Now at last I have been proven right. There really is a Ghost of Jamesburg and a whole team of ghostologists ready to study it. The ghost even stars in his own documentary!

But the best part about the Ghost of Jamesburg, is I can get in on the money, erm contribute valuable research. I mean everybody suspects the Ghost lives in the stupid mansion, but how many people know he also lives in _________ __________ (Location Censored so no one can beat me to the morons erm ghostwatchers). I should know way more about the ghost than South Jersey Ghost Research. I camped there, after all. I think that entitles me to sell "I slept with The Ghost of Jamesburg" t-shirt. Actually we should probably put something else on the shirts, but the point is the same. And for only a $3000 investment, I'll let you join me. Now is the time to make a killing people, because if we don't start soon, we'll be haunted by our stupidity for the rest of our lives.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Too crazy even to be a Morman?

It's true. Brigham Young University found Steven Jones to be a total loony and asked him to resign. This is unfair. Steven Jones is a respected physicist, whose brilliant work on Cold Fusion paved the way for a brighter tomorrow. His untiring investigative work on the true cause of the collapse on the Twin Towershas been an inspiration to us all. Most importantly his essay "Behold My Hands: Evidence for Christ's Visit in Ancient America" is a brilliant piece of satire, and for that alone he should be given full tenure. Still not convinced? Then it's time for the Cold Hard Facts

Steven Jones has plenty of evidence to support his conspiracy theory. He believes fires should not be able to produce molten metal. And even if the fires could melt aluminum, it would be silvery not yellow. Ergo, the molten metal could only have come from a thermite reaction. And you know what else, analysis of the debris showed it was primarily from aluminium and Iron, the same elements in thermite. There is no other plausible source for these elements.

And Steven Jones has already identified the culprits. In this article appearing between Israel used chemical weapons in Lebanon and Gaza and Israel used White Phosphorous bombs during War in Lebanon, just above Israel used Bubonic Plague during War in Lebanon, he states he believes that the "international banking cartel" is behind the attacks. Can you believe that this innocent warning about First Fidelity and Bank of America, was taken by us Jews as an indication of his anti-Semitism? I mean really, not every evil Zionist International Banking Cartel member is Jewish, and even if they are how was poor Steven Jones supposed to know that. Just because he stated an anti-Semitic view on an anti-Semitic website doesn't make him an anti-Semite; he was just speculating.

Dumping Steven Jones will cast doubt on all his scientific research into Cold Fusion and Mormonism. And worse his bad name will forever tarnish these once pristine areas of research. As fellow scientists we cannot let that happen. Once a physicist, always a physicist.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Fantasize Away

Recently a new web site has been unveiled, which turns congress from the most boring bunch of 535 old dudes you ever met, into an exciting recreational activity. Just like Fantasy Football only more pointless, here you draft legislators into your dream team congress and rack up points based on each one's ERA. Ted Kennedy, for example can't rush for his life and thus scores nothing, whereas Mark Foley the hottest QB around until, you know, has, or rather had, gobs of them. Even though every other news station has picked up the story, it's not too late for a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

I decided to make my own team just to see how it's done. After registering, I carefully drafted a team of real winners, thoroughly, scrolling down through the long list of names, slowly vetting each dossier. I believe the whole thing took an hour or more, but it was worth it. My success as a coach depended on it.

With the team formed, I waited anxiously for them to start leaving my opponents in the dust. But apparently unlike football players, my congressmen can get away with taking breaks, and in fact, they're all on recess in Cancun. Not one single motion to lower taxes, reform social security, or even to assassinate the president of Turkmenistan, all of which would score me a cool 15 points. But nope, nothing.

I sent letters, but my men continued to lounge. I sent email after email begging them to come back. I made inspiration speeches over the telephone. When nothing else worked, I even went to congress and personally begged our team to start passing laws again, but they just got their lackey, Fred, to throw me out and order me never to step foot in Washington, DC again.

So that's it. 15 entire hours of my life wasted. Fine guys don't win. Don't even make the playoffs off of the wildcard. Don't even win a single game. You guys are a bunch of no good losers. But why do I care? It's not like you're really my team anyway. Fantasy congress, what a stupid idea. Ah well at least the T-shirt was zazziling.

So there you have it, my affair and violent breakup with fantasy congress. I'm kinda distressed over the whole thing, so I think I'll call it a night.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Technical difficulties

Today's blog post would have been the greatest yet, but alas it was canceled due to technical difficulties.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Golden Anniversary Jubilee Postravagnza

Guess which post this is? Post 37! That's right, for over 39 years this blog has been bringing you the Cold Hard Facts. Men have grown and died on this blog. Careers have been made and ruined. Laws were made and broken, and all without ever telling a lie.

Remember way back when none of the posts made the slightest bit of sense? Or how about the time when we had a record number of comments. Or that time I accidently told the truth and was forced to let someone else blog. Or that time I got real drunk, and posted those pictures I'd rather not talk about. Not to mention all those pointless debates and interviews. Good times Good times.

You we have had a long and laurel filled run. But all good things must come to an end. So I am announcing my resignation, pending Thursday. That's right, I am throwing in the towel. To gIve the young ones a chance. Plus my advisors told me should keep a low profile while that lawsuit is going on. Don't try to talk me out of it; I have already made my decision.

But of course I couldn't have done it without you dear readers. Yes, you made this blog what it is today. We've been through a lot together. We were there for each other, through thick and thin. Thanks for all you mail and helpful criticism. It's been a good run. I'm going to miss you.

Monday, October 16, 2006

They Read My Blog!

A few days ago, we blogged a story about Wal-Mart hiring bloggers to write propaganda about their company. In it, I expressed a small amount of surprise that someone would write propaganda for free. I mentioned that if it had been me, I would have demanded about $2,200 from Wal-Mart. Well Wal-Mart is at it again, but this time they hired people who know the Cold Hard Facts. That's right Wal-Mart hired our regular Contributors, "Washington Post photographer James Thresher and galpal Laura St. Claire." (By the way, James, Laura, thanks for you work on that Ouija board article. It was apppreciated ;-).) They did just as I suggested, and Wal-Mart paid!

Jim Thresher's blog Wal-Marting Across America about a cheerful couple who drive around national parks, camping out at the nearest Wal-Mart, and cheerfully blogging about the accommodations. "When they say restrooms are for paying customers only, you don't have to be a big paying customer. You can buy one of those $2 chatchkas made by starving children in a sweatshop in Malaysia. And really if you gotta go the whole thing is only a formality. That nice cashier doesn't want piss all over her clean floor anymore than you do," one such pleasant post began.

For a while everything was all good. But then some no-good evil stinkers came and reavealed the obvious. Of couse, no couple would write cheery stories about Wal-Mart out of free will, but you guys didn't have to spill the beans. No you busybodies have to get involved with everything. Go ahead and mock two poor innocent people who were merely following my sage advice, and got a paid vacation out of the deal. You muckrakers and truthseekers disgust me.

But now, Jim is throwing a curveball at us. He's planning to give back the money, just because it was wrong to accept it. Jim, HOW DARE YOU GIVE THAT BRIBE.If you do that, your enemies will have won. Your eyes have already been blinded and your righteousness has already been corrupted. It's too late to repent and come clean. You might as well keep the cool 2 thoundand bucks you earned. After all, you earned it. They made you sleep in filthy Wal-Mart parking lots like a hobo.

You would have proudly cherished the money as long as no one found out about it. And you should still cherish the money now that it ruined you career. If you give back the money, you'll be no better than any of those other people we made fun of together. But if you keep it, if you say "Yeah Wal-Mart paid me to write cheery mush stories, but I made two thousand bucks and you didn't neener neener", you'll be the kind of scoundrel the Cold Hard Facts can be proud of. And that goes double for your wife girlfriend galpal.

I urge everyone to write in, and talk James Thresher and Laura St. Claire out of their madness.

Friday, October 13, 2006

An outrage to Greater Washingtonians everywhere

Recently the Greater Washington Transit Authority ran the following campaign.
The New York Times and these guys wrote articles implying the ads are insulting to Plato's Republic. But those guys are dead wrong. The ads aren't insulting to Romance Novels; they're insulting to Greater Washingtonians. And as a Greater Washingtonian, I am personally outraged.

Why is ad so insulting to us Greater Washingtonians you ask? Let me reveal the Cold Hard Facts. First off, the ad campaign implies that Greater Washingtonians aren't cool. While the "Average Subway reading" is a modern book. prehaps the latest in thing. The Greater Washingtonian is so uncool, he's reading Plato. Plato was written like 5 hundred years ago. It's hopelessly out of date. This ad is inmplying we're still stuck in Roman times, a gross slander.

Next, this ad is implying Greater Washintonians don't read. The "Average Reader" is cleaarly immersed in his engrossing book, probably part of a huge collection. But the "Greater Washingtonian" is reading Plato's Republic, one of those books no one would read if it was not on his high school reading list. And The poor guy is over forty years old, yet he only finishes his high school reading now? Is this implying that Greater Washingtonians can't make it through high school until we are 45? That's just too low.

You know what else? The ad is trying to strike a blow at our religion. The greater Washingtonian is reading a book by Plato , an immoral pagan. I don't know much about the other book, but I bet it has the words "Oh, God" in it a lot. This is implying that other cities are more religious and moral than we Greater Washingtonians. That, that is the most, unkindly cut of all. I'll you know Greater Washingtonians read a lot of regious books like trashy romance novels. Whatever company dared to say that about us, better take it all back now or there will be trouble. Mark my words we won't take religious slander lying down.

So clearly the ad is mocking us on all fronts. And I say as Greater Washingtonians, we can't take this lying down. We must unite. We stand together, Greater Washingtonians. And we demand an apology.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Five days passes by so fast, or at least I think it does.

In honor of the upcoming elections we have a candidate from the Florida 4th district, who though a little behind in the polls may just be able to take advantage of current events and catch up. Please welcome Future Represenative Steven Abbott to the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: You will catch up won't you?
Steve: Yes I think so. It is in range of possibility.
CHF: Good, cause we don't interview losers on the Cold Hard Facts So you're from the Waver Party? What issues do you take a stand on?
Steve: Well there's the war in Iraq, it uh isn't going so well, I don't think. Well, no, I guess is is too close to call. But it doesn't look like it's going well, at least I'm not sure, I think it's going well. And, well taxes are too high. Well no maybe they're too low now that I think about it. But over all, in a general sort of way, the country is going in the wrong direction sometimes. You know what I'm saying?
CHF: Not really, no. Um you've been attacked or rather mocked for your campaign ad. You don't see any problems with it.
Steve; Is it too harsh? I'm sorry if I hurt anyone feeling, even if they possibly deserved it.
CHF: No, I don't think that is the problem. Here is the ad.
Mark Foley harassed little kids, or so I've heard. The other guy took bribes, we believe. Don't vote for the crooks, unless you really, really want to. Vote for Steven Abbott, the somewhat honest choice. He probably wouldn't harass boys, and he would never take bribes, at least we don't think he would. Steven Abbott, quite possibly, has worked tirelessly to make the country what it is today. Vote Abbott in 06, please. "I'm Steven Abbott, and I think I approve of this message."

You see the problem with it?
Steve: Sort of.
CHF: Have you guys ever actually taken a stand on anything?
Steve: Yes! No! I don't Know!
CHF: Don't you think voters may want someone who can make up his mind?
Steve: It's hard to say.
CHF: You know, you are starting to sound like a loser.
Steve: I'm not so sure about that.
CHF: Well I am. Scram!
Steve: Well ok, if you're absolutley positive. So I guess this means you probably won't endorse me, huh?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

It's in the blood

Recently this blog ran a story about a cripplingly debilitating lentil shortage, causing mass starvation in Queens. In reference to this tragic piece of news, one reader asked us why anyone would even want to eat lentils, as they are poisonous. The answer is simple. According to the genuine Dr. D'Adamo, Lentils are poisonous, but only to certain people. Lentils are deadly if your blood type is "O" or "B', especially if you are a secretor. Type "A" people however should eat lentils until the lentils come out of their ears.

But why does a person's diet depend on his blood type anyway? The exact details are available only to those acolytes wise enough to see the path of Dr. D'Adamo to buy his books, but luckily there are some such morons on Wikipedia. Apparently foods have proteins called Lectins which stick to the sugars present on Red-Blood Cell, or in the case of type "O" blood stick to the absence of sugars on the cells. Then the cells clump together and clog capillaries, sort of like an attack of sickle cell anemia, only more painful.

Some pessimists think that this whole Blood type diet is just a scheme by a doctor who "couldn't cure his way out of a paper bag" to sell all sorts of worthless health junk at inflated prices, but they are missing the point. These guys don't need evidence or knowledge to dispense dietary advice, as long as they pretend to have it. They're mavericks fighting against the system, and as such they're automatically right.

But criticism also comes from more serious source. Followers of the PETA diet criticize the Eat Right 4 Your Type Diet, believing meat to be unhealthy. With two agenda driven, "alternative", health sources at loggerheads, how do we know which one to believe? We can't. All we can do is keep striving to discover the Cold Hard Facts.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Schedule. Wait, This Blog has a Schedule?

In the beginning, posts came regularly, whenever I felt like it. They came quite frequently, like clockwork, every year or so. However one week, I accidently ruined everything by posting twice, and the hits declined by an order of magnitude. Now I've decided to erratically post every monday and either on Wednesdays or Fridays, perhaps both if I am begged enough. Tommorow, however, expect an extra long post sometime after 8:00 PM, when I will not be exausted from fasting at least 25 hours.

The pervious paragraph was not an Editor's Note in traditional Cold Hard Factian. The note will not be repeated below in English, for all the new readers. Even if you point this out, you can write the next post.

In the beginning, this blog's posting schedule was erratic and crazy, with the average time between posts being one month. Now however, I have decided, that I will regularly post on Mondays, and also either post on Wednesdays or Fridays. If enough readers write in and beg me to post on both Wednesdays and Fridays, I may well end up posting on both. After all, the blog is quite fun to write. This schedule will begin next week. Do not expect a post on Monday, not even after 8:00 PM. I will probably not have sufficient energy to write one, or at least not to write a good one, and therefore won't.

The previous paragraph did indeed contain may true sentences. However I am not counting it as a post. Please do not write in, and demand to know why I didn't lie. You will not be granted next time's post. Sorry about the truth. It won't happen again. Don't write in about this paragraph either.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Dangerous Lentil Shortage will Lead to War

Once again a serious problem is almost completely ignored by the media. The following in a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

In a malicious attempt to starve half the country, India has decided to ban all exports of lentils. As lentils grow scarcer and scarcer, the price has shot up to $4.00 a gallon, and many in-the-know feel it will only get higher.” Lentils are a non-renewable resource, and we should have seen the coming a long time ago. As demand begins to exceeds supply and production tips over the point of no return lentil-wise, price shoots through the roof." said one economist.

People will have to begin to explore alternate sources of food, he continued. Those lucky enough to be in the in the chick-pea business iare counting on this; they believe it to be only a matter of time before Arabs, Indians and Sephardim are forced to choose their product. "Now that they can't get lentils, all those deserters will have to come crawling back, and we'll give them their chick peas. Yes we'll give them their chick peas, we'll just demand blood in return," said one wholesaler in jubilation.

But many people won't settle for anything less. "Lentils are among the king of foods, and no matter what price they are people will buy them," said one man we interviewed. "I'd rather starve than eat chick peas," said another. Culinary experts agree that lentils are unique foods. "Comparing Indian lentils with chick pea is like comparing the finest French wines with tap water," one chef told us. "If I stopped serving lentils, war would break out said another."

Some wholesalers have begun to turn to the black market, in order to meet the demand. "It's no secret that many of the lentils on my shelves left India illegally," one grocery store owner told us. "One of my suppliers told me he stuffs as many lentils as he can fit into his pants and make a run for Pakistan. It's wrong, but what can I do? People need lentils," he said apologetically. The Indian government has confirmed the smuggling rumors. "We know they're there, but there's not much we can do about it," one Indian customs agent told us.

But even the smugglers can't meet the demand, and several men are worried about the consequences. "We all know what happened after the last lentil shortage in 1939," said John Smith a professor of revisionist history at NYU. "There's no reason to think it won't happen again." No one knows how long it will be until Poland is invaded again, but unless India opens its borders, it is only a matter of time.

As always, remember if even one sentence in these posts is not the Cold Hard Facts, and you catch it, you get to write the next post.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Amazing Emperor Kreskitine

As you all know, the Amazing Kreskin, has recently presented a free seminar to Indiana police officers. Called ICOPS, or Intuitive Cops Observational Preparedness Seminars “ICOPS, it also has much to do with plasma physics and little to do with real science. Never a blog to miss free conferences, we go live with our correspondent, John Smith, who has been patiently waiting on the scene for a week for us to conduct the interview. Kreskin, as you know, believes the whole universe is connected by some kind of "Four-Dimensional Force", so the conference should be quite interesting. This is The Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: John did you have trouble gaining entrance?
John Smith: Nah, I disguised myself as some kind of trooper; fit right in.
CHF: What exactly did the Amazing Kreskin speak about?
JS: He prefers to be known as the Grand Emperor Kreskitine. It makes him feel important.
CHF: Okay what is Emperor Kreskitine's opinion on Psychic Policing.
JS: Only that it is quite effective at "bringing order to the galaxy," as it's called. You see he believes we should have a special secret division of the police called the "intuitive COPs" or "ICOPS". These ICOPS will specialize in tuning in "intuition when dealing with daily law enforcement situations." Just watch how ICOPS improve the standard good cop/bad cop routine.
Good ICOP: You will tell me where you were on the night of the 27th of June.
Criminal: I will tell you whe...
Bad ICOP: Confess NOW. I want the truth!
Criminal: [achhhhh, gag choke. Couch splutter gag]. [gasp gasp] OK I Confess!!

JS: See how effective that is. But that's not all. Darth Kreskus believes if you focus your mind and concentrate your anger, you can actually tune yourself to the power of your enemy, mentally locate which planet he is hiding on, and then turn him to the Cop Side of the Force.
CHF: Sound Impressive ... Most impressive.
JS: Yes, but law enforcement is only the beginning; you wouldn't believe the ideas he has.
CHF: Like what?
JS: Power for one; the republic is weak and crumbling. Now is the chance to seize the reigns of power, to unite the worlds under a new empire. No one will stand before the power of the COP side of the Force. And Emperor Kreskitine is the man/thing to harness this power. Just read his bio. His is the true path to greatness. He can read a book in 15 minutes! You don't know the power of the COP side! Obey Kreskitine or DIE. CHF, I am your father.
CHF: Um Ok... You wouldn't happen to have pictures of the conference would you?

This is Emperor Kreskitine showing off his mental prowess.
JS: And this guy in black is the first of Kreskin's ICOPS, here showing off his interrogation techniques.

You certainly can't argue with that guy!
CHF: No I suppose not. Well, I think we should quit while we're ahead, so we won't even bother showing that trooper disguise John Smith used.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Reading Ability

In response to this article on the reading skills of New Yorkers, we decided to interview Richard P. Mills, New York commissioner of Education to get all the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard FactsMr. Mills your study found that the reading ability of New Yorkers is inversely proportional to age.
Richard P. Mills: Well sort of, but only after fifth grade. Let's start from the beginning.
CHF: The beginning?
RPM: We surgically implated various books of all reading levels into the wombs of 150 pregnant women and one hippy. Fifteen days later we implanted blue essay books and number 2 pencils, and asked the fetuses to each write a short essay describing their book. Results were disastrous.
CHF: In what way?
RPM: Apparently fetuses cannot read or write, but lawyers can. It seems, when in vivo, pencils and notebooks can do quite a bit of damage to both mother and fetus. As if we were supposed to realize that!
CHF: Yes what about after the New Yorker is born?
RPM: Well for the first four years of a baby's life he or she can't read anything at all. But around the fifth year a major breakthrough is achieved with the conquering of Pup Jumps in Mud by Bud Lumpkin or something similar. From there, Cat in the Hat is accomplished in first grade followed by Amelia Bedelia, Sheldon Silverstein's poems, and so on, up to the pinnacle of reading acuity around fifth grade when, the average student is able to read War and Peace.
CHF: War and Peace by Tolstoy?
RPM: Yes, although she can't actually understand any of it. But the average sixth grader can't even read War and Peace, let alone understand it and it all goes downhill from there.
CHF: How far?
RPM: By the time the average New Yorker enters graduate school, he could barely make out a single word in this blog.
CHF: That's Pretty bad. Is there any hope for New York?
RPM: Interestingly enough, if you only look at comic books and video game strategy guides, the average reading level increases year after year, at least among men. So I propose The New York department of Education make a first person shooter game called Tolstoy, and War and Peace would be it's strategy guide. That would pretty well cover the "War" part of it, anyway.
CHF: And for girls?
RPM: We'll make a "Peace" fashion magazine.

Monday, September 18, 2006

It's Scandalous!

Due to some rumors going around about Lee Siegel, I have come back early from my vaction to answer questions about whether I too commented on my own posts, in order to make myself look better. The short answer is no I have not, do not, and will not make up comments under assumed names stating how glorious I am. I have not, do not, and will not write make up comments under assumed names staing how much I suck either. And, I have not, do not, and will not make of comments to attack the authors of other comments be they real comments or comments I did not make up.

Even if I did comment on my own blogs, which I didn't, I would never give myself away by saying I'm funnier than Jon Stewart. That's just a foolish thing to write, even though it may well be true; things like that can get you into trouble. In addition if I did write comments under a pseudonym, which I don't, I would certainly would be a lot more subtle than this guy. I mean it's so obvious jhscwartz is really Lee Siegal.

You readers know as controversial and comment provoking as my posts may be, I am committed to dishing out the Cold Hard Facts, and I would never decieve you reader in such a manner, and nor should you readers tolerate being suckered in such a manner.

To quote sprezzatura, "I'm not Lee Siegel, you imbecile," and truer words have never been spoken.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Another Day, Another Dollar

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

So how did my very interesting day go today? I can see you are very impatient to know.

Well, I walked in the door about 6:30 AM. Started making burgers. Made burgers for about 3 hours, nothing to eventful happened. Then about 12 or 1 we got a call for a special order. Guy apparently wants a deluxe McBurger with the works and a side of fries plus a large coke. Willing to pay us big bucks for it. So what's the catch? Meat got to be made with the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices, and we're not a freaking KFC. Sounds to me like a prank call. But that doesn't stop the manager. No! He thinks he can make an easy $200.

So he sends emily to the local KFC to bring back the herbs. Meanwhile I'm arguing with him the whole thing is stupid, and we don't get paid enough to break into someone else's resturant and steal their spice rack. But the idiot won't listen. Keeps whistling to himself. "We're gonna be rich" We're going to be rich.

Why do all my managers have to be such idiots?

Well Em gets herself busted, ends up in the slammer. It all comes back to us, manager goes off on an "errand" and im the one who has to deal with it. Police don't finish with me till 2 AM. And all for a lousy $5 an hour. Wish I stayed in school. Oh and the guy didn't even like the burger; said all them herbs made him nauseous.

At least I got a blog entry out of the whole thing.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Again they give terrorists information!

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

It's unbelievable. On 9/11 exactly five years after they betrayed our country to Al Qaida, New York Times reporters MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT hand over another important piece of information to enemies. By revealing that companies employ people to masquerade as a customer in order obtain telephone his records illegally, it makes it that much harder for the FBI to do the same thing. We were this close to obtaining Bin Laden, but no you blew it, MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT. What does your editor think he runs, an information source.

As the article further revealed, private detectives often hire these companies to find out if a client's wife is committing Adultery. Adultery is a serious scourge, and this tool gave us the edge in stopping it. But now that MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT spilled the beans, detectives will have to use something else. So wives can now cheat all they want, and we can't do a thing about it. I suppose MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT are proud of themselves, getting rid of America's Moral Values one step at a time.

But worse, your paper will put the phone companies on guard, so they won't give out our confidential information to intruders, and some off those intruders could be the FBI. Before all the FBI had to do to get Verizon to hand over Osama's phone records was call Verizon and have someone pretend to be Bin Laden. Verizon would fall for the ruse, hand over the records, and then we might be able to nab him. But now the Verizon Customer Service People will be on their guards, they'll want proof that an FBI agent is Bin Laden, and he won't be able to get the call records.

First reveal the wiretapping. Then reveal the secret prisons. After that tell the whole world we torture people. Now this. You might as well demoralize the entire American people by telling them how badly we are losing the war in Iraq. Oh wait, you do that too. This has to stop.

And you know what else is wrong with this article. This article written on September 11, 2006, exactly five years after Osama Bin Laden crashed planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, neglects to mention how far we've come in the war on terror, just to make Bush look bad. It doesn't even mention 9/11; I guess MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT don't care about the orphans.

Mr. President if these newspapers are going to fight dirty, you've got to fight dirty too. I want you to declare martial law on the New York Times. This is wartime, Mr. President; there can be no half-measures. President Adams had congress pass a law to shut down newspapers when it wasn't even wartime, and historians consider this Adam's finest hour. When war came to President Lincoln, he shut down papers too. The longer you let the NY Times flagrantly defame you, he harder it will be on the American People. Seize the moment. MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Editor's Note

I, Edgar "NotElon" Greenberg will be out of town on business for the next few weeks. I have tried to obtain substitute bloggers during my absence. They have agreed to license their posts to this blog for free. These bloggers will stick to my same regular schedule, and are just as committed to the Cold Hard Facts as I am. At the top of each post will be the real actual blog where it came from. These other bloggers will not be me in disguise. I am really going. This is not some gimmick for me to write about something completely different.


Friday, September 08, 2006

Oh to visit the moon!

Appearing today on the Cold Hard Facts is a special guest, who will explain to us why NASA never landed on the Moon. Please welcome Ted Donnig.
CHF: So Ted, why do you think the Moon Landings are fake.
Ted: Well it's like when you see a magic trick, and you know that the magician didn't actually use magic (this time), but you don't know how he did it. It's the same thing. NASA can't possibly land on the Moon, and it wuld take irrefutable evidence for me to believe otherwise. Extraodinary claims require extraordinary proof.
CHF: Do you find it odd that there are people who would use that same argument against you?
Ted: Yes, extremely. These whackjobs types swallow NASA's lies about the moon, but when it comes to something common sense such as Aliens Abductions, they suddenly get all skeptical.
CHF: But are alien abductions are common sense?
Ted: Of course they are. I mean who doesn't want to kidnap random people and stick probes up their noses. And if your are an alien being unbounded by the laws of physics, you certainly have the tools to do it. It would be an extraordinary claim that Aliens don't abduct people. It's the same with my theories on medicine.
CHF: Medicine?
Ted: Sure these people believe that little tiny invisible particles cause disease, some thing so ridiculous that I Just have to roll my eyes. But they don't believe in homeopathy.
CHF: Yes, that is weird. But back to the Moon.
Ted: Well you bsically have three catagories of people. We already discussed the wackjobs, but there are also the morons, who believe that we got to the Moon, and then faked the landing to cover up evidence of extra-terrestrial activity; at least their theories are plausible. Last, you have the normal people like me. We know that NASA faked the whole thing because people cannot survive outside the Van-Allen belts. Their "pictures" really show countless evidence of anomalies. Though I did hear that Russia actually went to the Moon, and NASA covered that up too.
CHF: Hmm, well that is one rather interesting hypothesis. Until next time, always demand proof except in the cases of the obvious like telekenesis for example.
Ted: You said it; if telekinesis was impossible, how woulld I commute to work?

Monday, September 04, 2006

HIV doesn't kill people. People kill people.

Everyone says HIV causes AIDS, but do we have any Cold Hard Facts? Wait, wait I know you scientists will show me this picture and tell me those little bumps coming out of that big bump represent AIDS bursting out of a CD4+ T-cell, but I don't trust you.

Maybe those little bumps are baby cells budding from their mommy. Or maybe those aren't even cells. Perhaps it is some kind of cerimonial object. We just don't know.

Does the AIDS virus even exist? Is there any evidence for it? Right now the answer is no. The nice people of are awarding in good faith a 1000 pound prize for the trivial task of finding the mysteriously elusive "AIDS virus". Of course those good for nothing biologists would whine and complain the money is impossible to collect, but the rules are simple enough.

So what does cause AIDS, if not a virus. The surprising answer is AIDS is caused by AIDS drugs. People may think those cosyly drugs are extending their lifespans, but in reality those protease inhibitors and AZT are slowly killing them. But wait you say, what about all those destitute people in Zimbabwe who die of AIDS? AIDS can't be caused by AIDS drugs if people can't afford them, can it? Well over there, clearly it's not the drugs, but that doesn't mean we should blame the harmless HIV virus instead of some other, more reasonable, cause. In poor countries AIDS in actually caused by malnutrition. And AIDS in children is really caused by the mother having ingested steriods during pregnancy, so everything works out. There are many underlying causes for AIDS depending on the patient, but none is caused by the common factor of HIV. That would be too simple, and the simple explantion is always wrong.

Until next time, never trust a doctor. Only trust the conspiricy theories. Refuse to take your medicine. And don't worry about infecting others; there's no proof they'll get AIDS either.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

A bump on the head

Today's topic is the science of Phrenology, or the method of telling someone's personality from the shape of his nose. Finding perhaps the only person brave enough to believe in this unfairly ridiculed science, I wrote him a friendly and not at all mocking letter. Alas, he must have fallen down the stairs at child, critically crushing his courtesy bump, as he responded quite rudely, and our thorough investigation into the Cold Hard Facts behind this most interesting phenomenon must go on without him.

The best way to test phrenology is to find a picture of someone we know all about and make his head fit the profile. And who better to look at, than..

Comparing this specimen to the chart.

The first thing we notice is the prominent swelling of the forehead in the benevolence area, indicating compassion. But more than that, the head is of course well rounded. Our fearless leader has no shortage of affection, constructiveness, causality, self-esteem, and eventuality. This man possesses the "dome-shaped head of the superior type," indicating conscientiousness and spirituality. Clearly he is a kind and caring person, upright, moral person, who is open-minded and would never purge millions of people just because a) he can and b) he has an inhuman desire to rule by fear. A higher being, civilized in every way. This profile is completely objective and comparing it with the biography of specimen we can see how the character traits we assigned to our subject impacted his life.

Of course a phrenologist must be careful, for hair can mask character and a bump or concavity in the skull can really be a wrinkle or acne. Most phrenologist ignore this, but some insist on shaving their subjects bald and surgically removing any skin imperfections before proceeding.

Another scientific error results from deformation of skull, in which a patient may be of one type but due to his weirdly shaped head, he appears to have problems. This man is one example.
His grotesque ugliness makes it impossible for us to tell his true personality.

The last cause of error is due to a failure to appreciate the "interaction between faculties". In fact most of the time the phrenologist is way off, it's not because he was actually wrong, but because of the complex personality interactions with a bump he missed. Getting these interactions right is extremely difficult, and it helps to "cold read" insights into the subject's character, lest the unwary phrenologist miss anything. Some so called experts suggest that this may be a cause for saying phrenology is bunk and should have been at least disproved 100 years ago, but they are lying through their teeth. Furthermore most of these Skeptics tend to have an indentation where their intelligence bump should be, if you know what I mean. So we shouldn't pay attention to what scientists have to say. In fact science isn't even a phrenologically acceptable career for any skull shape.

For any further questions just email; they'll be sure to address your concerns. And, while you're at it, you might as well demand an apology for my sake, for no one mortally offends Stalin and lives to tell the tale.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Where have you been?

Well it's been a long time and yes there were many interesting things to blog about, such as the guy who can turn earwax into gold, the guy holding himself hostage in Nebraska, and the three thugs who robbed a bank at gunpoint for a dollar to buy a cream soda from the machine across the street. But alas I couldn't blog any of it because I was in jail on murder charges, cellmate to a guy named Butch who said if I ever blogged the Cold Hard Facts of exactly where in New York his multimillion dollar stash of cocaine was, he'd knock out every last one of my teeth. He needn't have worried. I didn't have internet access in that jail anyway.

Why in the world did the police suspect me of murdering anyone? Well my lawyer says I can't talk about it, but now that I'm free and cleared of all charges, expect more of The Cold Hard Facts soon.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Hceeps Esrever

Read this post forward and then read it in reverse, in order not to miss out on all the Cold Hard Facts, because today's topic is the exciting new field of reverse speech. Created by a man who bears an uncanny resemblance to Saddam Hussein, Reverse Speech may just be the key to our inner Psyche. See people can lie with normal speech in forward time direction, but if you record those lies on a special broken tape recorder, play them backwards, and listen real closely until you go insane, the truth emerges.

And not only are you subconsciously giving away all your deepest darkest inner thoughts in reverse, even people who can only express gibberish in forward speech, like babies, are already fluent at talking backwards. So that little baby, who's so cuuuute may really be cursing you off backwards. And babies aren't the only ones who can express themselves backwards. Did you know that people with severe mental retardation, who appear to only communicate with grunts and shrieks, are actually composing poems in reverse speech. All this incontrovertible evidence leads to only one conclusion, "that the process of spoken communication in children begins backwards before it does forwards."

Of course there are skeptics who foolishly question the utility of reverse speech. For some reason they are stupid enough to think that there is no rational benefit in subconscious communication in a medium that no one could understand before the invention of tape recorders. Ha! Of course there's a benefit. From an evolutionary standpoint, you wouldn't want to subconsciously express your innermost thoughts on a topic in an easily understandable form, because such thought expression would obviously end all marriages before reproduction occured, and thus Reverse Speech evolved. It makes perfect sense!

But how can you get in on the reverse speech action? It's easy for the small fee of $295, you can own a Sony tape recorder reconfigured to run backwards. Then for a small fee of $300/week for 3 weeks and another small fee of $300/week for 5 weeks, and yet another small fee of $300/week for only 8 weeks, and a few extra hundred dollars in software, you can become a Reverse Speech Practitioner and charge others the hugely inflated prices. But it's worth it. Just send me 500 bucks and a blank CD and a microphone, and I'll dictate the offer to you backwards; you'll see I'm not lying.

Friday, June 23, 2006

It's a bear... It's a guy in gorilla suit... It's BIGFOOT. Oh wait it is a bear.

Bigfoot is he real? No one knows for sure, but most people think he is and that it is only a matter of time before we nab him. We bring an exclusive Cold Hard Facts report on Bigfoot and what our top biologists are doing to nab him.

First we turn to the most trusted name in Bigfoot field research, the aptly named Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Their skeptical researcher are constantly investigating encounters with the reclusive beasts and separating the facts from the fiction. They remind viewers of the importance of always looking at skeptical arguments, such as "Didn't some guy say that you claim a picture of him in a gorilla suit is Bigfoot," skeptically. I mean if he hoaxed us once by dressing up in a costume, who's to say he's not hoaxing us again by admitting it; obviously this picture is of Bigfoot.

But now that the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization has conclusively proven bigfoots exist, how do we go about catching one? This is job for the Great American Bigfoot Research Organization. Right now their top fieldhands are hard at work on a serious scientific mission to find a bigfoot and bring him alive, and for only $6.95 US per month we can receive daily entries on their progress so far. Knowing that you all are cheapskates this blog managed to procure a couple of free journal entries.
April 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
Had the expiditions photos developed today. Why does a bigfoot always look blurry and in the distance? Perhaps it's the quality of my wide-angle lens. But no matter. The expiditon must go on. I know bigfoots are intelligent. If only I could get one to talk to me, I'm sure we both would have a lot to learn.

April 2, 2006
Dear Diary,
Great news! Met a bigfoot today. His name is Urgurg and he invited me over for tea tomorrow. This could be the break investigators have been seaching for. Still it begs a question. Bigfoots drink tea? Could it be that they are far more intelligent and cultured than we believed possible?

April 3, 2006
Dear Diary,
Bad news. After talking to Urgurg today, I made a horrible dicovery: Urgurg is not a bigfoot. He's a just a creepy human in a costume named Sam Mudgeman. Even worse, when I showed him our scientific footage of a bigfoot, he demanded to know how long we've been stalking him. Then he pulled out a gun and ordered us to get off his property and leave him alone. I don't believe it. My whole life's work wasted. Still we must press on.

April 5, 2006
Dear Diary,
Thought we saw a bigfoot today, but when I heard a gunshot, I realized it was just Mudgeman. When will that guy get a life? Sometimes I ask myself is bigfoot really out there? Perhaps we'll never know.

Exciting stuff. So until next time remember to send all those Bigfoot sightings to the experts, and perhaps with your help, even scientists will believe in Bigfoot.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Did the world end yesterday?

Yesterday was the sixth day of the sixth month of the the 2006th year after the fourth year after Jesus was born, associating it with the number 662006, THE NUMBER OF EVIL. Unless of course you're more of a yyyy/mm/dd kind of guy in which case 200766 is the NUMBER OF EVIL. And according some movie trailer, there will be... will have been... was dire consequences yesterday involving a little kid and a tea party. But this is no time to no time to have a tea party; this is the time to call in the resident experts and discern the Cold Hard Facts on the matter.
If the world will end yesterday... I mean will have ended... would have... ended yesterday, we wouldn't very well exist would we? So I think we're fine.
He thinks he so smart. Well maybe in the future the world will have been retroactively annulled annulled yesterday. Did you think of that before you ridiculed me, huh? Forget you, I'm going to our next expert.
Do I think the world will end yesterday because some arbitrary calendar with either the arbitrary format mm/dd/yy or the equally arbitrary format dd/mm/yy comes out to 666 if you arbitrarily leave out the /s and 0s. This is a tough question. I can't just give an arbitrary answer of whether the world will have ended.
So you're caught on the fence, eh. You skeptics are always to scared to make a stand.

Well like always the skeptics choose to answer a reasonable question with sarcasm and ignore the facts. So let's turn to more of a true believer.
Certainly the world ended yesterday. You may not notice it yet, but trust me you will. You might think killing me will stop it, but my death will make little difference. The end of the world is already here. You can't prevent it; you can't escape it, for the end is already upon us, and there's no turning back.
That guy sounds much more reasonable. But how can the world end without us noticing it. Well since information doesn't travel faster than the speed of light, and since the world ends say a light-year from us yesterday, we won't know it ended until a year from yesterday when the signal reaches us, but it certainly already ended.

So to summarize, it's all for you Damien, whatever that means.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The June Primary

Today was the very important June primary, upon which the whole future of our country depended. And once again to discuss the cold hard facts with us, is our political clairvoyant Madame Cleo Browne.

Madame Cleo Browne: I see the facts. They are cold and hard!
Cold Hard Facts: Since you were last with us, you helped the Houston Police solve a murderer. Tell us about that.
MCB: I had a vision of a body, felt and suffering and death. "Who did this horrible deed" I cried, and the spirits revealed the path. They showed my a man with flaming red hair, a crooked nose, a eye blue and one brown.
CHF: That's quite descriptive, but I don't think...
MCB: Silence unbeliever! Be gone skeptic! The spirits have not yet finished revealing their wisdom! A broad chin did I see, and an eyepatch black as night and one eyebrow, ugliness unmarred by a mustache. And as the spirits revealed, so did the murderer look. See for yourself.

CHF: Um, let's talk about that primary.
MCB: I see a man, he is speaking. Triumphant is he and joyous! Protestant and Anglo-Saxon is he, it is an M word, clearly a winner.
CHF: M-word? You mean Richard Menendez?
MCB: Yes Menendez the WASP, a name of strength, power. He is destined for the presidency. A crisis with Iran will unfold and he will attempt to solve.
CHF: Wow that's amazing. How did you know that? You must have a newspaper.
MCB: Newspaper, it has never crossed my eyes. From the underworld does all my news come. I see another man, he is crying, sulking devastated. A man will lose.
CHF: Astounding, tell me more.
MCB:Um argh, blood, guts, death. Can't continue stupid interview. Danger.
CHF: Well, ok then.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Mysteries of the Marshall Islands Square

The Bermuda Triangle an exactly triangle shaped region of the ocean, where millions of ships and airplanes disappear daily. But what causes all those ships to disappear? Skeptics would have you believe their arcane and ridiculous explanations such as stormy seas or pilot error. We on other hand know that like always, those skeptics are involved in the active destruction of the truth, just to make us true-believers seem ridiculous.

So what is the real explanation for the triangle? No one knows for sure, but the answer has something to do with Atlantis, wormholes, and aliens. Unfortunately I was not able to understand the deep truth of the wormhole-Atlantis-space-alien hypothesis, but it has something to do with aliens transporting a neutron star under the Atlantic in order to warp light in that area, and as it has the words quantum and relativity in it, it must be true. So until next time, remember that no one knows less about science then the biased idiots who call themselves scientists.