Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Shylock would be proud.

Conclusive evidence that Jews control the world, or at least Wikipedia, which is practically the same thing.

And yes, still searching for that story interesting enough to sustain an actual post.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Be Very Afraid

Apparently is some kind of new Woman's Leadership Scholarship Program at Rutgers. This is their logo.

I'm not sure whether I should be more worried by the somewhat fascist imagery, or that, judging by the faint writing still visibly overlaid on the logo, said imagery appears to have been misappropriated from a stock art gallery.

Ten points to the person who finds the original. I believe that the writing is the remains of "istockphoto," but so far my search has been fruitless.

Another Major Victory in the War On Spas!

We can only speculate on how spas fit into this exactly, but seeing as that infamous word is right there in the title, I don't think that connection can be denied. And with all the recent setbacks, I am ready to jump on any victory we can find. Keep this up and we will win this war, one drug-dealing, violently bigoted, aromatherapist at a time.

I don't think this is the last we will hear from "Saratoga Springs" either. With a name like that, the place is a resort town waiting to open. That or a golf course. Either way, it is trouble.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

At Long Last!

Yes! We are proud to report that there is indeed such a thing as kosher haggis*. Dig in, boys.

Oh, you wanted a blog post? One of those is coming soon, too.

* Actually, this haggis is not all that Kosher, as it contains liver and it recommends salting it. A technicality.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

A Spam, I Think

Time for the Quarterly Update for Halexandria... and only six days after the Equinox. But then again, Mercury is in Retrograde right now and communications are really in a mess. Among other things, some people on Wall Street have managed to misplace about $700 billion and can't seem to find it anywhere... except maybe in the coffers of the taxpayers. Sigh...

Meanwhile, we have not been derelict in our writings and still find our way to various new offerings at Halexandria. The Halexandria Forums, for example, continue to delight and amaze the unwary silver surfer. Many interesting threads to read and contribute to... maybe start your own thread on any topic under the Sun (and way beyond the Sun, come to think of it). Feel free to get involved.

As for new essays, these include some recent relevations about the incredible Labyrinth of Egypt and the People who are involved in hopefully bringing this stunning new discovery to the attention of the world. There is also the New and Improved essay on Totalitarianism... just in time for the upcoming elections. Come to think of it, there's also The Times They Are A Changin'... also with allusions to the elections and media weirdness in general.

All of these essays should intrigue most of you... except of course for users (who are now prevented from receiving updates from Halexandria... for no known reason). Accordingly, if your friends are (currently) users, you may have to forward this quarterly update to them so they can be similarly intrigued.

Last but not least is an update at Novels, due to the WORLD PREMIERE OF WE THE JURY, a novel.

As always, Thanks for the Use of the Hall.


Gives you a lot to think about, no?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Disgusting Philosopical Problem of the Day

Apparently, there is a chef in Switzerland who has decided to add a new ingredient to his meat dishes, human milk. Big deal, you say? Well I didn't care much either, until I saw the following quote in the Guardian.

They are not on the list of approved species such as cows and sheep, but they are also not on the list of the banned species such as apes and primates," Rolf Etter of the Zurich food control laboratory said.

So do we go according to the beginning, and say approved milk, yes, banned milk, no. Or maybe we go according the end, and say what is banned is banned, but what is not banned is permitted?

Come hear, it was taught...

And what about those biologists that say humans are both apes and primates? Would they not hold that the milk should be forbidden on all accounts?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Boil that Cabbage Down

A lot of readers have written in saying that the Master Cleanse jus doesn't sound masochistic enough for their tastes. "Is their anything even more disgusting," they ask? Perhaps, and this one is even Kosher. Announcing the Cabbage Soup Diet, the only diet so horrifyingly evil, its own creators are ambivalent about it.

Based on the observation that poor, Victorian Londerers were often quite svelte, the cabbage soup diet brings the secret of their success to you in a bold new fad that is bound to make you say, "Please sir, I want some more".

What you want some more! Oh good, because cabbage soup is only the first step towards a healthier new you. The second step is an increasingly irrational and disgusting list of foods that you must eat, day by day, for a week. After that, all taste will be sucked out of your tongue and your stomach will hang itself in despair. Then you can go on an actual diet, because contrary to your expectations, the cabbage soup diet is safe to actually try losing weight on. But first, let us begin the Tour de Nausea.

On Day One, you can all the cabbage soup you want. And you can also eat all the fruit you want. Well all the fruit except: . And no rutabagas either. I see that gleam in your eye, you stinkin' cheater.

On day two, you can eat all the veggies you want, but no fruit. Fruit bad, veggies good. And also, if you want, treat yourself to a nice unbuttered baked potato. GO on; you deserve it. It'll be our little secret.

Day three. Cabbage soup. Fruit, veggies. No bananas. No potatoes. We mean business here.

On day four, G-d created the sun, the moon, and all the stars. Go have a banana or two or eight in honour of His achievement. And if you desire a carton of skim milk with your cabbage soup, now would be a good time. Bottoms up.

Day five is beef day. Eat twenty ounces of meat and six tomatoes. No you cannot substitute light fish for the beef. What do you think this is? Kindergarten? This is a diet, people! Sheesh.

Day six. After all that beef and tomatoes, you are probably hoping for something light. Well guess what? Tough eggs, because today is steak and green veggies day. Eat at least 2 or three steaks, one bowl of soup and all the leafy, green veggies you can cram down your throat.

Day seven. Brown rice and fruit juice. And do gorge yourself this time. We are trying to lose weight here.

There, that wasn't so bad. You survived the normal tremors and delirium, and maybe you even lost a pound or two. Well tomorrow begins a new week. So boil that cabbage down, boys; turn that old cake round.

Career Opportunities

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately, and it only made sense to consider my career and what I can expect to earn for my efforts. Hmm, not bad. But how about this?. Much better. Maybe, I should try to broaden my horizons? Only if I want to be poorer than a postman.

Hmm, I wonder what else is open to a man of my talents*.

But that is just the beginning of this amazing tool. There are all sorts of great jobs that you didn't even know existed. In fact the job market is quite good, if you go about it the right way.
But what if you have no skills at all. What if you are destined to live in a box in the middle of Times Square? Is it still possible to send your kids to Yeshiva? Yes, but it's all about choosing the right title. And you thought they snorted because they were addicted to the stuff. Little did you know the surest path to riches.

And if you're a brainless git? Not to worry.
A fool and his money are soon joined.

Feel free to comment with any absurdities I may have missed.

With thanks to Not my Father for finding the site.
*Note to self: Avoid nanoshell scripting like the plague.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Blinding the Eyes of the Dumb

Recently the New York Times released an article on a new trend on youtube, graphic videos of surgery. This is not because a sudden demand from sadistic people who like watching girls get cut up. No, that is what horror movies are for. This is strictly business. Apparently plastic surgeons have decided to advertise LASEK, nose jobs, liposuctions, face lifts and other cosmetic operations by paying patients to put their ordeals on the web. Is this practice unethical, a bold new advertising campaign, or just plain stupid? We bring you the Cold Hard Facts.

Now when I read this article, I assumed the whole thing was a joke. Then I saw this video, and I was enlightened.

I mean look at the professional quality. Look at that skill. Look at the poise. Look at that enthusiasm. Look at that gore. I ask you is it possible to see that and not to want a nose job?

Nonetheless, the New York Times is concerned. Apparently when it comes to cutting someone's face or chest open, we need objective opinions. And many ethicists feel that as well as being bribery, these youtube testimonials are also somewhat creepy.

Creepy! That kind of anti-doctor stance is just what you expect from an antisemitic, pro-Palestinian rag that... Alright, even I can't lie that badly. It is actually quite creepy.

But bribery? It's not bribery. It's like Dr. Emil Chynn says.
It’s really not a conflict of interest. I’m charging $5,000 for the surgery. If we gave $1,000, that would be a problem.

Yeah, maybe if he paid $1,000 dollars for the videos, it would be bribery. But he only paid a hundred. One hundred dollars is nothing. One hundred dollars can't even buy a stick of bubble gum. One hundred dollars is pocket change, particularly if you are a rich doctor raking in millions, but even if you are not.

And as for influencing innocent bystanders to rush to surgery without careful vetting, that WOULD be a problem IF people bought cosmetic surgery based on quality. But the smart shopper always buys nose jobs based on price. And thanks to his "Youtube Rebate Package," Dr. Simoni really is the cheapest. So there is no dishonesty going on whatsoever.

Well I have to rush off to get a few pounds sucked out of me, if you get my drift. SO until next time, this is the Cold Hard Facts.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Man at Work

We here at The Cold Hard Facts take great pride in shipping only the coldest and hardest facts to our lovely clientèle. Our author works tirelessly converting ideas into only the finest written text available anywhere. Regrettably this takes time, and thus the post that you have been eagerly awaiting is not quite here yet. But rest assured, it will be here one day. Perhaps even today.

Work in Progress

Friday, May 02, 2008


I'm pleased to annouce that this blog is finally getting the recognition it deserves. In the past several months I have received countless email recognizing the masterpiece that is this blog.

Oh I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "Who would possibly recognize this blog for anything." You're thinking "This blog hasn't even existed for the past few months. We all thought you were dead." You're are thinking "Ol' Edgar's making it all up." Well I'm not, and I ave the emails to prove it.


Your blog The Cold Hard Facts caught our attention. I'm the founder of a recently launched startup for bloggers. We are searching the internet for the world's best blogs by geography, and we found yours for Israel. I would like to invite you to our site which plots the content of the internet on an interactive map of the world. VerveEarth is an entirely new way to surf the net. It shows spatial and geographic connections that a blog search engine could never reveal.

The site is Once on board, you can easily claim your blog a place in the VerveEarth world. The site is free to use and a way to drive new traffic to your blog. If our vision resonates with you, please give us a mention or add our widget to your blog. Please see our FAQ for any questions, and we welcome your feedback. The VerveEarth team will make a timely reply.

Kind Regards,


The best blog in all of Israel. Quite an honor for a humble Ramallan, no? And the best part is I beat my neighbor Abdul at his own game. You hear that, Abdul? No one cares about you and your depressing life.

But that is not the TRUE best part. All you loyal readers know that vintage car racing has always been the one joy in my heart. Well someone finally took notice of my interest.
Come join me on The Vintage Racing League.

Please excuse the nature of this invitation to join the Vintage Racing League.
You received this email because we believe that you love vintage and classic cars and would enjoy participating in the world’s largest online social network for people that love vintage and classic cars.
There is no cost to join and we do not disclose your contact information to third parties.
You can post pictures, videos, find Apparel, Parts & Services, join 200+ car marquee groups and locate Vintage Race events in your area.
Please invite your friends and fellow enthusiasts to join.

All the best - Stephen
Stephen J. L. Page
The Vintage Racing League
Campbell Center 1
8350 N. Central Expressway, Suite 1500
Dallas, TX 75206
Work: 214-393-4662 x 224
Member website:
Business website:

Click here to join:

Stephen Page

Well see you all later. My Bel Air and I have business to attend to.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

Vaccines. I'm sure you all all still traumatized from the first time that mean, evil doctor stuck a needle in your innocent arm. But at least now you know how necessary it was, how many diseases it prevented. WRONG! According to Rebbecca Carley M.D., vaccines are the cause of disease not the prevention. Did you see the M.D after her name? That means she made it through Orgo. She must be a Qualified Expert. She must have been a genius to make it past Orgo.

Here is what Carley M.D. has to say about Vaccines

The basic truth that served as the foundation for the mountain of lies known as vaccinations was the observation that mammals who recover from infection with microorganisms acquire natural immunity from further infections... This truth gave birth to a beLIEf that if a foreign antigen was injected into an individual, that individual would then become immune to a future infection. This beLIEf, (you see the lie in the middle), was given the name, "vaccinations".
Ha ha, BeLIEf. I never noticed that before.

I beLIEve this government cannot endure permanently half-slave and half-free.
Ah, Lincoln , you little rascal. How easy is is to see through you now.

But back on topic, aside from the fact that it is a beLIEf, what you said sounded rather reasonable Carley. Pray tell, why isn't it so?
Medical Jargon. Pseudoscience. More boring stuff. Personal BeLIEfs. Crimes against plants. Medical nonsense. New World Order. Boring stuff. Evil NAZIs. Boring.

Wait! Crimes against plants? New World Order? Are these the rantings of a mad woman? Quite possibly. But they are the rantings of a woman who beLIEves she is right. Erm, BeTRUTHs she is right. Because the evidence supports her. She is an M.D., and you won't be able to understand a word she says, so she must be right.

And what to make of this? Is this a mere coincidence?

Yes. Yes it is. Because we in the know, know that vaccines cannot possibly work, and so that graph is totally wrong. I blame the NAZIs and their CRIMES AGAINST PLANTS.

Incidentally, if you want the REAL Cold Hard Facts, take a look at Carley's work. She is a true expert. That's why she passed Orgo.

I wouldn't have it any other way

I recently learned that there is a company using the call letters ELON. Not surprisingly, it completely dysfunctional and is apparently a losing proposition.

What the hell is wrong with this company?! How do they piss away money
quarter after quarter, year after year?

Trust me to bring a grown stockbroker to tears. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Perfect Gift

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I know this, because I received a lot of irate emails berating the lack of a gift guide. And so with the motto of better late than never, I present our top pick for guys, The Master Cleanse Guidebook, a book that will keep your girlfriend talking about you for a long time.

Everyone knows that diet books are second only to vacuum cleaners in terms of romance potential. Girls are always worrying about their figures, and this shows that you sympathize with her worries. She will definitely take note.And if you are going to get your girl a diet book, get this one. Because only this book contains the power of the Master Cleanse™.

I don't actually know what the Master Cleanse™ is, because the website is very vague and I am not enough of a loser to buy the book, but it is one of those magic food diets. Stick to the simple routine, and the pounds or kilos come flying off.

The diet consists of three simple parts. First, drink a quart of salt water every moning upon awakening. Next eat and drink nothing else but "Lemonade" made from fresh lemons, maple syrup, and savoury cayenne pepper. Drink 6-12 glasses of this concoction a day, and follow each glass with laxatives. Continue on this plan for about two weeks or until death does you part, whichever comes first. After that, eat only raw fruit and vegetables for two months. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now, now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this "diet" was invented during a game of Truth or Dare. That is not true. A lot of research went into this diet. It is all classified, but do you seriously think someone would just randomly recommend eating such weird food without a good reason? You can probably find the research in the book, which I was too cheap to buy. Maybe you can't. It doesn't matter anyway. The point is that this gets results.

So that's my suggestion. Wrap the book up in romantic wrapping paper. And have a camera ready for when she opens it. Trust me, this will be good. Oh, and don't forget to mention that you would take her to a fancy French restaurant, only they unfortunately do not serve lemons and maple syrup. Trust me, this will be a day to remember.

So kids, until next time, always choose Truth and always lie. But if you dare choose Dare, perhaps you will come up with the next health fad. And when you do, I will recommend it here.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Those Terrible Twins

Every once in a while there is a scalding soft tall tale that is actually stranger than the Cold Hard Facts. Most such stories involve evil twins, and this one is no exception.

It all started when Rudy Gutierrez left his dog, Puddles, with his neighbor, Grace Saenz-Lopez, the mayor of Alice, TX. The dog was a Shih Tzu, one of those annoyingly yappy, little dogs with absurdly long hair that is a pain to groom. I mention this, because as you will see, the absurdly long hair is a cunning Chekhov's Gun. Just you wait.

Anyway when Gutierrez come back from vacation, he found the dog had died. Saenz-Lopez swore that the death happened in a manner that she was exempt from, and she further said that she had saved the Gutierrez family the trouble of burying it. The Gutierrez family were all quite distressed, but eventually they got over their loss and started the healing process.

That's when Rudy got a call from a friend, who reported seeing a familiar looking Shih Tzu at a local groomer. Told you the long hair would be important. Inquiries to the groomer determined that the dog was named Panchito and that it was owned by the mayor.

Sensing there was something suspicious, Gutierrez confronted the mayor. THe mayor denied that the dog was Puddles, but rather claimed it was her dog that just happened to look identical. Call it an evil twin of Puddles, if you will. Upon further interrogation, she broke down and admitted that it was indeed the same dog. The Gutierrez family now sued to gain custody, but a new complication arose. The dog had conveniently vanished.

Luckily a hard hitting reporter arose to track the dog down. Bravely confronting the mayor, he learned she was actually not the mayor, but rather her evil twin sister. Her evil twin, the real mayor lived in Arizona, and presumably so did the dog. The reporter bought this story for about ten minutes, before deciding maybe he should confront the mayor's twin a second time.

Driving back to her house, he bravely yelled, "I've been told you're the mayor and not the twin sister." Presumably his source for this was a skeptical preschool student, who the lame excuse for what it was and told the reporter so. However the mayor's alleged twin wouldn't budge, and the reporter left dogless for a second time.

Further inquiries revealed that the mayor really did have an evil twin, seriously, but she didn't live in Arizona. She lived about fifteen miles from Alice, where she served as a school district trustee. When the reporter tried to question her on the dog, she ignored his, not even bothering to claim she was the mayor and not the evil twin. However, the reporter did locate the dog on her property.

Thus the police, still not knowing which was which, wrote up arrest warrants for both the mayor and the evil twin. I of course mean alleged evil twin, as she has not yet been convicted. The mayor and the twin are still serving in their respective public offices, or perhaps each other's public office. But a recall effort is under way to replace them both with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Puddles is being held in custody until a hearing determines he is actually the dog belonging to the Gutierrezes and not the twin belonging to Mayor Saenz-Lopez.

The moral of all this is that twins are dangerous, and it is lucky I don't know any. Who knows what they would be up to?