Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Building huts

You know what they say: "The huts have to go up. The blog doesn't have to be written." But I say it does, and so I wrote it.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

And all should cry, Beware! Beware!

Take heed, oh ye who see this in your mini-feed. And give ear, all ye who accidently stumbled across this on Google. Oh, and the few people who actually want to read the post, should probably read it too. For this is another Cold Hard Facts SPA SCARE!

Before we begin with the news, I would like to thank all those who offered to take me to a spa for my birthday. And I would especially like to thank my crazy aunt, who went one step farther, and sent me a card purporting to contain a gift certificate for a wax and facial. Of course if any of you were serious, I would have had to kill you. But since you weren't, yes it was quite funny.

But, now is the time to be serious and not funny, for I have unearthed a vast conspiracy. Yes, men take a gander at this article, and watch the smiles vanish from your faces. I have reflected on this story, and I can come to only one shocking conclusion. There is a vast conspiracy of mean and nasty women wishing to get us face down in a tub full of beer and laugh at us. Lies you say? Perhaps, but take a gander of the newspaper that article is in. That's right, the Women's Section. They could have been plotting this for months and I would never have known. But thanks to a tip-off, I know now, and perhaps there is still time.

Arm yourselves men. Arm yourselves, and trust no one. Wife, sister, mother-in-law, they could all be in this together. Even your own mother may try to lure you in, as this young man found out too late! Prepare yourselves men. Prepare yourselves or you will share his fate. And if its too late, if you were already sucked in, if you are forced to bathe in beer, at least buy a keg and do it in your own shower. You might lose, but at least then the spas won't have won. Plus you'll save about a thousand bucks.

And if there are any good women left. If there are women who have not yet succumbed to the curse, then you too are at risk. I speak of the Tupperware parties. Or should I say Spapperware parties. It's the most insidious plot since oral surgeons started offering eyebrow buffing and make-up tips. I can hear the spa executives chuckling to themselves. They know ladies will buy anything at a Tupperware party.* They know all your weaknesses, but you still have to hold out as long as possible. Society depends on you. And absolutely refuse to host such parties. Sure you might earn a few dollars. Sure you might get beautiful skin. But is beautiful skin really worth the cost of your soul? Oh it is? Then I guess we're doomed.

*Even Tupperware seems extra exciting to women at parties. "Wow it stores food. I'll take 30!" Top behavioral experts are still trying to figure out why.

Good News

My brother, "not notElon's brother", actually managed to get the service provider to unlock the DSL. Perhaps he is very persuasive. Or possibly he blackmailed them. I But the important thing is it works, so if a blogpost comes out today, be sure to give him your thanks.

And also thanks to "In no way am I notElon's dad." We couldn't have done it without him. He gave my brother the ride.

Postscript: Actually a blog post just did come out today, this one. So you are forced to thank my brother and father.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Blame Vewizon

I won't swear on it, but blogging will resume tomorrow, once I have more reliable internet access, if I have more reliable internet access.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

If only they knew...

According to a press release on their website, the FEC has recently declared blogs to be media and to be subject to all exemtions therein. I didn't really give a darn until I suddenly remembered that I have a blog, and if the blog is media, do I not have the status as a reporter.

During the past hour, I have been thinking of how I can best abuse my press credentials. I figure I can start by running around shoving clipboards in people's faces, demanding snappy answers to all sorts of weird issues that people don't actually give a damn about. But there must be more I can do. Maybe something involving Freedom of Press. But, for once, I'm not sure how best to annoy everyone.

So I will throw it open to you readers. How can The Cold Hard Facts best take advantage of its newfound status, and how many people can we piss off along the way? I will consider carrying out the best entry. And as always, knowing very well that the contest will have no entries, the best answer wins a blog post.

Monday, September 03, 2007

I am not bound to please thee with my Answer...

... Certainly not when you ask that kind of question.

I have recently been spending time on Yahoo! Answers, mostly out of sheer boredom between class sessions. For those who don't know, Yahoo! Answers is a website where random people on the internet ask questions, and other random people, like myself, stop by to answer them. Good answers are rewarded with points, and when you get enough points, you presumably get rewarded with something nice, a toaster oven say. I already have over 2,500 points, and I'll probably get that cool leather jacket any day now. What's that you say? Points are meaningless? NOooooOO! Well at least I still have a blog post.

I earned most of my points in two fields, one of which I am now a "Top Contributor" in. Perhaps you can guess which fields those are. Well I won't tell you if you are right or not because I refuse to admit how much of a loser I truly am*. But I noticed there are some people who are even bigger losers than I am. And for your viewing pleasure, I will ennumerate the with snide remarks.

1) Some people, forgetting that any random bozo is going to answer their question, describe, in extreme detail, a 15 step experiment they would like their research group to carry out. Then they ask whether the project is safe. Hello! There are probably only 10 or so labs in the country that can do that project, and yours is one of them. Lives may be at stake here, and you me whether what you are doing is safe? Do you really think it is a good idea to waste your time and points asking that. Wouldn't it be better, to, I don't know, ASK A COLLEGUE! Someone who also went to graduate school. Someone with experience. I am one of the most knowledgeable people on that Yahoo Answers forum. I have had 2 years of training in that subject, and I can't even understand the question. And knowing the other users on that forum only makes me less comfortable about you asking there for safety advice.

2) The other users browsing that forum. Namely the guy who asked, "Two chemicals dangerous when mixed. Where I get them?" Luckily for him most knowledgeable chemical people aren't sadists** and would never give him such info. There's a good chance he's still alive.

3) Many people probably use Yahoo! Answers to get help with homework. This is fine. Some people ask about 50 questions at the same time, and expect other people to do their homework. Those people receive a lot of snide remarks, and not all of them from me. But even those people are smart enough not to use Yahoo! Answers to cheat on tests. And even the people who use Yahoo! Answers to cheat on tests don't normally give the point value of each test question they want answered. But one guy did just that. He (or she, but I think girls may have more brains than that) painstakingly typed in 16 Algebra questions, and yes, right there next to the title of each question, was the amount of points the question would be worth on the test. I'm not sure what he was thinking. I mean a) How could anyone answer all those questions and get back to him before the teacher wondered what was taking him so long in the bathroom? b) By putting the point-score there, he annouced to the whole world it was a test, and most people want money for test questions. c) Writing that point-score wastes time. And if you only have an hour, it would probably be in your best interest to hurry. Anyway I got back to him about three days later with this answer: "You Fail". And I got my 16 points for it; To add to his embarrassment, I voted it the best answer.

4) On the topic of people who write stupid math questions: You would be surprised to find the number of people who write in asking for 50% of 30 or help adding a two-digit number. I don't know about you readers, but I find this shameful. a) It is not too much too expect for someone to be able to add two-digit numbers. It's not that hard. Even Paris Hilton could probably add two-digit numbers if she set her mind to it. It might take her a few hours, but she could do it.*** If Paris can add, so can you. b) If you are such an absolute moron that you don't know how to add two digit numbers, at the least cover your stupidity with a calculator. There is no need to announce to the world what a dunce you are. A calculator can do the job cheaper and faster.

5) Someone who answers the aforementioned question with "Arg Math! I hate math! It burns. It burns. Make it go away!"**** is even worse than the last guy. She (Sorry ladies, but she did have a female avatar) also could do with some math and perhaps some counseling. I mean does she freak out every time she write up a deposit slip? But at least the other guy knew how to read. You have to give him some credit. He knew to ask that question about addition in the forum labeled "Mathematics". If this person is that scared of numbers, why in heck did she go to a "Mathematics" forum? What did she expect to find there?

Besides the people, there is one other highly amusing thing about Yahoo! Answers. The "Alternative Science" forum somehow ended up lumped with the "Actual Science" forums in "Science and Mathematics". Even more amusing, "Alternative" happens to come just before "Astronomy and Cosmology" in the list. This ensures a constant supply of ridicule and torment towards anyone who dares ask a question about Astrology or UFOs. It's very entertaining to watch.

And last, some questions just make you say "Whaa..." I speak of course about this one.
Hypothetically speaking, if my husband went into New Zealand's witness protection program, will I ever see him

For some reason, I am partial to one Edgar Greenberg's answer.
The New Zealand Witness Protection Program? OF COURSE! I KNEW that orc looked familiar. Tony we have our man. And nope you'll never see him again. Not now anyway. Thanks Honey.

But this guy's was good too.
Probably not - because New Zealand's witness protection program is the best in the World bar none.

You are told to dress like a sheep and go mingle. So far not one protectee has ever been found....
Support your local All Important Question Of The Day&trade (and Completely Ridiculous Question Of The Day&trade and Just Wondering&trade)

The Completely Ridiculous Question of the Day&trade? That's one cause The Cold Hard Facts heartily supports.******

*Out of touch with Culture. Ha, I'll have you know I earned an A in Pop Culture. I'm like totally awesome, man.
**Unluckily for him, I am sadistical. I told him exactly where to get them chemicals from. I also told him the reaction product has a sweet and tangy smell. Expect an update real soon, possibly from the Darwin Awards.
***You catch the Pop Culture reference? I told you I was on the ball.
****Ok it wasn't quite that. But I HAD to exaggerate. People who can't add aren't all that witty or literate either. '
*****Contrary to what this post may make you believe, I do sometimes give actual and factual answers. Just don't ask me to make a "Cold yam salad recipes with marshmallow fluff?"