Friday, March 31, 2006

Where are They Now

Posts have faithfully appeared on this blog every day for the past three weeks, but that is no reason not to post now. Because today I met a guy, Jonathan Jefferson, who claims he meets formerly famous people every day on his way to work. He assures me this is the Cold Hard Fact. So without further ado, here is the real life interview with Jonathan Jefferson.

Cold Hard Facts:Can you give us an example of a formerly famous person you meet regularly.
Jefferson: Well there's Isaac Newton for one. I see him every day in Times Square.
CHF: What would Sir Isaac Newton be doing in Times Square?
Jefferson: Panhandling.
CHF: Isaac Newton, the 14th century physicist, is now begging for change in Time Square?
Jefferson: Oh yeah. He told me that Nabisco cut off his Cookie Royalties, and you would be surprised at how little he gets for "The sum of all forces is the mass times the acceleration". You just can't live above the poverty line on it.
CHF: Do you have a picture of Newton begging to make your claim more believable?
Jefferson: Right here.

Spare Change?

CHF: That's quite an informative picture. Have you seen anyone else?
Jefferson: Well there's the economist, Adam Smith. He lives in a cardboard box on 57th St.
CHF: So he's broke too?
Jefferson: Yup, he lost it all in the stock market.
CHF: Do you know anyone who's not dead?
Jefferson: Well there is Catherine the Great. She plays the Banjo in Penn Station by the LIRR terminal. Incidentally, she's not great. I would be more apt to call her Catherine the Pretty Darn Bad. I only gave her a nickel.
CHF: Do you find it depressing that all these famous people end up as bums and hobos centuries later?
Jefferson: No, if they weren't bums and hobos, I wouldn't be able to meet them. I got to go I just saw Suleiman the Magnificent organ grinding across the street. I should say hello.
CHF: We'll have to invite you back sometime to talk about it.

Friday, March 10, 2006

I have a Confession to Make

Due to the recent uproar about Wal-mart enlisting bloggers for its propaganda campaign, I feel it is only right for me to give the Cold Hard Facts about my sponsors.

First of all, that article I wrote about Irish diets being the key to effective weight loss was not my own work. The Idaho Potato farmers Association gave me discount potatoes to say that. And when I randomly said that Wise made the best potato chips, well I was paid to say that too. And on a less potato related note, when I said Exxon-Mobil captains can't steer their ships very well, I did it because Citgo wired me $1,000 dollars. I regret taking their money now, and resolve not to do any more.

And therein lies the difference between me and those blogs in the Wal-mart Scandal, because unlike those morons, I got paid for writing propaganda. And while we are on that subject, companies if you send me $10, I am your mouthpiece. But I digress, writing corporate propaganda, is wrong, and those guys should be ashamed for being Wal-mart's mouthpieces and should probably kill themselves over it. At least over the fact that they didn't wiggle anything out of Wal-mart, not even free potatoes. I wouldn't have done it because I know you trust me to bring you only the Cold Hard Facts.