Saturday, January 27, 2007

Losing the war on Spas

Last month, we reported on the unfortunate growing epidemic of paying to bathe in strange liquids. Now we return to the deadly spa, as we look at incoming reports of even more horrific torture selling for ever more exorbitant prices. The outrage has gotten so bad it calls for an emergency blog post, and marks the inauguration of a new label.

First on our hit list is the thumb massage. Apparently geared towards people addicted to cell phone texting, who can't pay for a full spa treatment, this new service consists of "Thumb Massages," and application of "Light emitting diodes" and Polarized current" to the thumb, ear and, mouth. Normally I am a big fan of LEDs, but using them to rip off stupid women is just sick.

If the thumb massages are not enough to make you cower, just listen to this next spa treatment: Flesh Eating Fish. Yes, that's right. In this treatment a woman sticks her feet into water containing actual fish which are actually encouraged to eat the dead skin offf her toes, so that she looks marginally better in sandals. After that she can pay an additional fee to shave off her eyebrows and replace them with prosthetics. Crazy aain't it. But here's the worst part. Women aren't the only people interested in these treatments. Men too are letting fish eat their flesh. Men also are going for the prosthetic eyebrows. And here's the worst bit, now there are even men who will actually pay to have hot wax poured in an area I won't mention, but suffice to say the procedure sounds incredibly painful. I had hooped that at least men would have more sense than that, but I was wrong. This spa epidemic is too far out of control.

But that's not the worst bit. No the item that made me create this emergency blog post come from the Holy Land A spa is now charging 300 shkalim for the privilege of allowing real live snakes to crawl up and down all over your naked body. Apparently this is supposed to be relaxing. RELAXING? What in the world is less relaxing than having a live snake crawl all over you. I'll tell you what! The thought that I wasted 300 shekalim to have that snake crawl all over me.

The spas have pushed the forces of reason back far enough. We can no longer afford to retreat against this imminent threat. It's time we take a stand. We must fight back, and yes die if we have to. It is the only way we can save society. We must fight back for the sake of the Cold Hard Facts.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Take This Plane Straight to...

A man unsuccessfully tried to hijack a plane with lip balm and an asthma inhaler last Tuesday. Shouting "Take this plane straight to Johannesburg!", he banged on the cockpit door, and threatened to light his lip balm on fire and blow up the plane with the inhaler. The plane continued to Johannesburg, South Africa on schedule, and passengers were rescued in in time to make their connecting flights.

Passengers are severely traumatized, and are suing Air Botswana for Near Endangerment and Emotional Trauma. "My clients will never be able to look at an inhaler again, without laughing hysterically," their lawyer stated. "Besides, what if he had jabbed the balm down someone's throat. They would have choked to death. This was a serious breach of security." Air Botswana was unavailible for comment.

It is believed that the suspect is a member of Al Qaeda. However, in a tape aired on Al Jezeera, Osama bin Laden denied this allegation. "Let the infidels know, that while I hire stupid people, I don't hire peeople that stupid. I am not hiding out in a cave for nothing", bin Laden bellowed.

A copycat hijack attempt was also foiled, when the perpetrator was forced to leave his liquid-containing squirt gun with security before boarding.

President Bush has declared this another victory in the war on terror. "Uh our guys are uh they're doin' a good job. And uh, we gotta keep the good work. We gotta keep making America safe from lip balm and squirt guns" Bush proudly told reporters.

The terror alert level briefly went up to "Fire Engine Red," but it has since been lowered to"Cranberry." In wake of a recent terrorist threat, which the government will not say is actually real, the level was again raised to "Outrageous Orange," last night.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Shoes— Not just for the ladies.

Like most men, I own less than five pairs of shoes. However, members of the other gender are notorious for owning millions of pairs each. This gives them influence over shoe style, and since they tend to like uncomfortable shoes in every imaginable color, that is not a good thing.

But now men are fighting back. Sneakerheads, the technical term for men who own more than tenm pairs of track shoes, are an up and coming new market. And stores are starting to take notice.

Sneakerheading is a trend I can get into, not because I actually care about sneakers but just so I have something to annoy annoying girls with. The next time I hear a girl mention clogs, high tops, or heels, I can ask her which treads go best with moderately faded jeans. In fact, I encourage every man I know to try this. It's time we fight back.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Post Labels

Someone recently remarked that due to the scope of this blog, it sometimes is difficult to obtain the Cold Hard Facts of the required subject matter. We sympathize with these concerns, and we thus proudly introduce our new Logical organizational labeling system.

1) All new posts of blog information will be affixed with the label "Donald Trump".
2) All posts will some truth in them will be labeled "breadsticks", unless another rule would say otherwise.
3) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, the Post will be labeled "Donald Trump", but not "breadsticks".
4) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, and thus the conditions for rule 3 are also satisfied, but there is also falsehood in the post, the "Warning" label will be affixed, in warning
4) If acupuncture is mentioned even in passing, the dog doo label is applicable.
5) If a reference is made to a label, the post will be labeled with the "label" label.
6) Any post referencing astrology will be labeled "Fresh Kills," unless Jupiter is in the fifth house.
8) Jupiter is assumed not to live in houses.
9) Any post which does not contain the words "Cold hard Facts," will be labeled "Cold Hard Facts."
10) Any post which would not merit any label whatsoever merits the sympathy label, "Oil of Violets."

Monday, January 15, 2007

Technical Difficulties

Due to lack of internet connection at my residence, last Friday's, Today's, and possibly Wednesday's posts will be delayed. For once, I have an excuse.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Rutgers was Robbed Again!

Like any fan of their, Alma Mater, I spend a good portion of my day cheering for for Rutgers, and when Rutgers doesn't win I cry and pout for weeks. This is especially so when the loss is the result of unfair calls. In that case my friends and I sit around railing at the injustice of referees, even years after the event.

Alas Rutgers is agian a victim of conspiricy. The Young America Foundation just released it's "Dirty Dozen", a listing of "America’s Most Bizarre and Politically Correct College Courses," and Rutgers was not on it. In fact not one of Rutgers's courses has ever been listed, not even once. But do you know which college is host to the all-time worst? That's Right, it's Princeton, who is apparently our rival. Grrr, it makes me so angry.

Well for your information, Young America Foundation, Rutgers has plenty of stupid, nonsense courses. We are the king of stupid, nonsense, courses. Your arch-nemisis, Liberalism is the very demon-spawn of Rutgers. And I for one, want recognition for them. So today for the benifit of the bozos at the Young America Foundation, we will be looking at the Cold Hard Facts of Rutgers College Courses. We'll see if we can't beat those snoods at Columbia and Cornell*.

Opening Rutgers's course Catalog to a random page, we come to the total lunacy of the... Physics department. Hastily closing the book, we reopen it, to the Religion Department. Ah here we go. What is more stupid than 01:840:201 The Old Testament, an interpretation of basic Hebrew Scriptures in translation; history of religious themes such as sin, covenants, and prophecy, in ancient Israel? Translation: The Tanach, as taught by a Christian who speaks no Hebrew or Aramaic, who believes an eye for an eye is literal, and who has never heard of commentaries. It could only be 01:840:401 Seminar in Old Testament Literature, a study of the role in redactional criticism in determining literary structure, interdependence of primary divisions, and development of basic themes in the Hebrew's Scriptures. Translation: Using the pseudoscientific field of Literary Criticism on the English "translation" of the Latin "translation", of the Greek "translation" of the Tanach, in the hopes of making everyone very angry. Oh and Young America Foundation, here's a course you may not have heard of. 01:840:439 Terrorism in Christianity: An unbiased, rational, didactic look at Pogroms, Inquisitions, Crusades, Blood-Libels, Expulsions, and Ronald Reagan**. Can you honestly say that is not worse than Native American Feminisms? Take that University of Michigan.

Moving over to the Philosophy Department we find courses like 01:730:421 Semantics of Language, covering traditional questions about the semantics of names, predicates, adverbs, psychological ascriptions , and demonstrative and indexical expressions. Verbs of Change. Comparative Adjectives. I'm not even going to attempt to translate that one, but I will point out that "Verbs of Change." is a Sentence Fragment. In your face, Plato! Here's another pointless course, 01:730:418 Philosophy of Mind. Mind-body problem, the nature of consciousness; rationality; intentionality; human freedom; Theories of Dualism, physicalism, functionalism, and behavioralism. I'm not sure what that course teaches either. In fact, I'm not sure what half these courses in this department teach. If it was up to me, I would change the department name to "Logic," and can every philosophy course whose description contains more than one made up word, discounting names.

Next we turn to Black African Africana Studies. Covering a full Three! pages of nonsense. First we start with linguistics courses. I believe these are important, and if someone wants to learn Hausa, there should be a course in it. But let us compare the course discription of Elementary Hausa with that for the corresponding courses in Arabic, Hebrew, and Japanese. Hausa: Development of Oral and Written Proficiency. Student exposed to, gain an appreciation for, and possibly identify with a number of African Peoples and Cultures. Arabic: Development of oral and written proficiency. Japanese: Introduction to grammer and writing systems; practice in speaking, reading, and writing. Hebrew: Speaking, reading, and writing; oral-aural exercises. Notice the difference? And then we have the "History" courses, which I can't even make heads or tail of. And then, are you listening Young America Foundation, we have 01:014:366History of Race and Sex, with the very vague discription,"Examines how race and gender have independently and jointly determined life chances throughout America." I thought that course was bad, but it's apparently not bad enough for the critics at the Young America Foundation.

Rutger will rise from the Ashes, Young America Foundation! Just will till you see next year's lineup. I dare you to deny the prize to 01:988:346 The Evolutionary Basis of Feminism***.

My father sent me to old Rutgers,
And resolv'd that I should be a man;
And so I settled down,
In that noisy college town,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

Then sing aloud to Alma Mater
And keep the scarlet in the van'
For with her motto high
Rutgers' name shall never die
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

*Actually Columbia has never won either. But it came closer to being a runner-up. Cornell's Course on Cyberfeminism is admittedly ridiculous, but it still rankles.
**Actually I made that course up, in the hopes of getting the Young America Foundation really annoyed at us, therby giving a bigger chance to win with a course that actually exists. It's called Reverse Psychiatry.