Saturday, January 27, 2007

Losing the war on Spas

Last month, we reported on the unfortunate growing epidemic of paying to bathe in strange liquids. Now we return to the deadly spa, as we look at incoming reports of even more horrific torture selling for ever more exorbitant prices. The outrage has gotten so bad it calls for an emergency blog post, and marks the inauguration of a new label.

First on our hit list is the thumb massage. Apparently geared towards people addicted to cell phone texting, who can't pay for a full spa treatment, this new service consists of "Thumb Massages," and application of "Light emitting diodes" and Polarized current" to the thumb, ear and, mouth. Normally I am a big fan of LEDs, but using them to rip off stupid women is just sick.

If the thumb massages are not enough to make you cower, just listen to this next spa treatment: Flesh Eating Fish. Yes, that's right. In this treatment a woman sticks her feet into water containing actual fish which are actually encouraged to eat the dead skin offf her toes, so that she looks marginally better in sandals. After that she can pay an additional fee to shave off her eyebrows and replace them with prosthetics. Crazy aain't it. But here's the worst part. Women aren't the only people interested in these treatments. Men too are letting fish eat their flesh. Men also are going for the prosthetic eyebrows. And here's the worst bit, now there are even men who will actually pay to have hot wax poured in an area I won't mention, but suffice to say the procedure sounds incredibly painful. I had hooped that at least men would have more sense than that, but I was wrong. This spa epidemic is too far out of control.

But that's not the worst bit. No the item that made me create this emergency blog post come from the Holy Land A spa is now charging 300 shkalim for the privilege of allowing real live snakes to crawl up and down all over your naked body. Apparently this is supposed to be relaxing. RELAXING? What in the world is less relaxing than having a live snake crawl all over you. I'll tell you what! The thought that I wasted 300 shekalim to have that snake crawl all over me.

The spas have pushed the forces of reason back far enough. We can no longer afford to retreat against this imminent threat. It's time we take a stand. We must fight back, and yes die if we have to. It is the only way we can save society. We must fight back for the sake of the Cold Hard Facts.


Anonymous said...

i dont understand... is war on spas a new label??

Jonathan/Yoni said...

ha ha. I suppose adding venemous snakes might make it less relaxing.

notElon said...

Indeed it is. "The outrage has gotten so bad it calls for an emergency blog post, and marks the inauguration of a new label." Hopefully, we won't have to it much.