Monday, January 21, 2008

Those Terrible Twins

Every once in a while there is a scalding soft tall tale that is actually stranger than the Cold Hard Facts. Most such stories involve evil twins, and this one is no exception.

It all started when Rudy Gutierrez left his dog, Puddles, with his neighbor, Grace Saenz-Lopez, the mayor of Alice, TX. The dog was a Shih Tzu, one of those annoyingly yappy, little dogs with absurdly long hair that is a pain to groom. I mention this, because as you will see, the absurdly long hair is a cunning Chekhov's Gun. Just you wait.

Anyway when Gutierrez come back from vacation, he found the dog had died. Saenz-Lopez swore that the death happened in a manner that she was exempt from, and she further said that she had saved the Gutierrez family the trouble of burying it. The Gutierrez family were all quite distressed, but eventually they got over their loss and started the healing process.

That's when Rudy got a call from a friend, who reported seeing a familiar looking Shih Tzu at a local groomer. Told you the long hair would be important. Inquiries to the groomer determined that the dog was named Panchito and that it was owned by the mayor.

Sensing there was something suspicious, Gutierrez confronted the mayor. THe mayor denied that the dog was Puddles, but rather claimed it was her dog that just happened to look identical. Call it an evil twin of Puddles, if you will. Upon further interrogation, she broke down and admitted that it was indeed the same dog. The Gutierrez family now sued to gain custody, but a new complication arose. The dog had conveniently vanished.

Luckily a hard hitting reporter arose to track the dog down. Bravely confronting the mayor, he learned she was actually not the mayor, but rather her evil twin sister. Her evil twin, the real mayor lived in Arizona, and presumably so did the dog. The reporter bought this story for about ten minutes, before deciding maybe he should confront the mayor's twin a second time.

Driving back to her house, he bravely yelled, "I've been told you're the mayor and not the twin sister." Presumably his source for this was a skeptical preschool student, who the lame excuse for what it was and told the reporter so. However the mayor's alleged twin wouldn't budge, and the reporter left dogless for a second time.

Further inquiries revealed that the mayor really did have an evil twin, seriously, but she didn't live in Arizona. She lived about fifteen miles from Alice, where she served as a school district trustee. When the reporter tried to question her on the dog, she ignored his, not even bothering to claim she was the mayor and not the evil twin. However, the reporter did locate the dog on her property.

Thus the police, still not knowing which was which, wrote up arrest warrants for both the mayor and the evil twin. I of course mean alleged evil twin, as she has not yet been convicted. The mayor and the twin are still serving in their respective public offices, or perhaps each other's public office. But a recall effort is under way to replace them both with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Puddles is being held in custody until a hearing determines he is actually the dog belonging to the Gutierrezes and not the twin belonging to Mayor Saenz-Lopez.

The moral of all this is that twins are dangerous, and it is lucky I don't know any. Who knows what they would be up to?