Thursday, January 26, 2006

Letters to the Editor

Every day millions of letters are sent to the Cold Hard Facts. Today we pick a few of these letters, and give their writers a dose of the Cold Hard Facts. The writers are real, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Dear Notelon,
I really enjoy your blog, but I am slightly troubled you chose to mock homoeopathy. I take homoeopathic doses of testosterone to control my anger problems, and I am freakin outraged that you would choose to personally mock me. You DO IT AGAIN AND I'LL RIP YOUR FREAKIN' LEFT LUNG OUT WITH MY BEAR HANDS! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!
Lex Luther
I don't know what you are talking about, Lex. Homoeopathy normally works. Your doctor must be giving you a placebo.

Dear Notelon,
I searched google for "Interesting Facts About Pencils", and found you, but I see no pencils. What gives.
Well Joker, the beauty of Pencils is in the eye of the beholder, so it you who is at fault.

Dear Notelon,
Do you enjoy making fun of me?
Dr. Octopus
No, of course not.

Dear Notelon,
I want to join The Church of Lincoln's Second Coming. Here is my $300 entry fee, my one time $1000 exorcism payment, and my very reasonable $31,415.92 application processing fee. You'll see to it they will get to the right place?
Chairface Chippendale
Of course I will. And did you know that you can get money in the mail just by addressing envelopes? Just send ten dollars to Elonstruths, PO box 57, NY, NY, 10101.

And speaking of mail, would Professor Harry G. Frankfort please stop flooding my inbox with messages. It would be appreciated.

Sunday, January 22, 2006, Your Reliable Source of Medical Equipment

If you're shopping for medical equipment, a site definitely worth looking into is They've got great deals on great products such as Flow Systems Analysis, where they cure disease by examining blood flow under a microscope.

But that's not the only Medical miracle on their page. You don't need to buy anything from them (But they paid me good money, so buy medical junk anyway), since the best medicine comes right out of your own body. That's is right, urine is the cure to all diseases. You see diseases are caused by stuff called protits not germs. Go ahead and publish all the sick puns you can think of in the comments section, but it's still true. Germs are only the symtoms of disease not the cause. And drinking urine fixes the root of the problem. Urine contains protits and drinking more protits makes bacteria and fungi devolve into protits curing your disease. But, as everyone knows, urine also contains white blood cells, so drinking it would naturally cure allergies too. In fact even in homoeopathic amounts, urine cures every illness in the world!

So why is something so valuable excreted? Because urine doesn't contain metabolic waste, it contains nutrients your body doesn't need at the present time. So why drink it, and force your body to make use of those nutrients, the same one it established it doesn't need. Because your body is stupid and doesn't know a valuable remedy when it sees one.

So that's the Cold Hard Facts, and the next time you use the restroom take a big swig of the yellow liquid of life, and buy stuff from

Monday, January 16, 2006

Who wants to be a chemist?

I am pleased to announce the premier of a new reality TV show, "Who Wants to be a Chemist?", sponsored by the American Chemical Society , The Darwin Awards and The Cold Hard Facts.

18 lucky literature majors are flown to a deserted island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There they are divided into two teams, each of which must attempt to perform a different chemistry experiment, selected from organic chemistry, inorganic chemistry, or physical chemistry every episode. Two PhD. chemistry professors and one PhD. chemical engineer judge the results, and the losing team, i.e. the team with the most injuries and/or deaths resulting from a lack of knowledge of the procedures and safety regulations, must vote a member off the island. That member is then covered in 1,4-butanediamine, and wins "Who Wants to be a Chemist? - The Board Game." The last player left receives the grand prize: twelve bucks, his or her very own bottle of thallium sulfate, and a pass on Chemistry for Poets!

But the best part is two more shows are in the works. Thrill as art students get electrocuted and irradiated on "Who Wants to be a Physicist?" and chill as philosophy majors get stabbed with pencils and beaten with calculators on "Who Wants to be a Mathematician?"

I am dying to see the first episode of "Who Wants to be a Chemist?" this Sunday, and I know you guys are dying to see it too.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

You must have heard of Robinson's reaction, but did you hear about Hamas's?

In fact, Hamas is claiming responsibility for Sharon's stroke. Honestly, it is The Cold Hard Fact, as shown is the following quote from one of the leaders of this secret organization.
Sharon had it coming to him. What with the wall and the settlement building in the West Bank, and the deaths from the explosion of our illegal ammo pile... I mean evil Israeli air strike, the illegal occupation of Jerusalem, and the removal of targets in Gaza, did he really think we would not respond. Of course we would and with such a cunning plan to perfectly disguise our involvement in this assassination attempt. Why if we didn't tell the world we were responsible, Imperialist Israel would never know who to unjustly bomb in response. Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA!
But Hamas isn't the only terrorist group claiming responsibility for Ariel Sharon's stroke. Palestinian Islamic Jihad gave our Israel correspondent this press release
Hamas, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Allah knows it isn't fair or just to always claim credit for our greatest attacks on the infidels even if you had nothing to do with them. You never hire your own bomber anymore. You just take credit for ours. Unjust! But anyway, strokes are caused by stress, and it is a fact that the Palestinian Islamic Jihad caused Sharon more stress than anything else. Plus we prevented him from getting a liposuction or stomach stapling surgery SO HE STAYED OVERWEIGHT. Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA! Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA!
But now Rabbi Philip Berg of the Kabbalah Centre has his own reasons for Sharon's stroke."It's obvious", he says.
Sharon didn't study enough kabbalah with me. I told him, you and me study together and Mashiach will come rushing here tomorrow. I even told him I'd arrange a shidduch with Maddonah, but for some reason he avoided me. Now G-d has decided the time has come for devine retribution. I could use my kabbalah to save him, but who am I to interfere with G-d's plans.
Yes, who is he? In any case, this has been another, chock full of truth, edition of The Cold Hard Facts

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Free your Souls from the Evil Woogies!

Our correspondent is on call to get The Cold Hard Facts about a new religion, The Church of Lincoln's Second Coming. With me today is the originator John Q. Green.

The Cold Hard Facts: Could you describe your religion for us?
John Q. Green: Yes. First we train people to meditate upon the secret knowledge and believe in the true faith, then Lincoln returns to free our souls from the Woogies.
TCHF: The Woogies? What in the world is a woogie?
JQG: First you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter.
TCHF: So the Church of Lincoln's Second Coming is just a cynical ploy designed to make you money?
JQG: No it is a honest attempt to better the world. And, if I can pay off my bookie? Well I am the Messiah!
TCHF: How did your religion start?
JQG: Well one day, I was arguing with my creditors when I got a revelation. There he appeared with his stupid hat and hideous beard, and he taught me The Knowledge. Knowledge which could be yours for the low payment of $19.95 a month.
TCHF: What is your religion's opinion on Intelligent Design?
JQG: Did Abraham Lincoln, the acme of creation evolve by chance? Nay, there must be a creator, and for only one payment of 99.99, or 3 small, easy payments of 33.33, I will tell you his identity.
TCHF: Some people call your religion a cult, what is your response?
JQG: It may well be a cult, but our Acolytes are some of the most satisfied customers around.
TCHF: Does your religion really preach "Death to all People from Maryland and Death to all Named Booth"
JQG: That is a misinterpretation of one of our myriad of secret religious beliefs. The Supreme Fellows on the Highest Plain of Mortal existence Praise John Wilkes Booth, the one who caused our sins to be forgiven. You can pray for him too for only 6590.23.
TCHF: Many Christians call your religion, "Idolatry of the worst kind." What is your response?
JQG: Well, really you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter. But in short, we believe in a Creator who Created Lincoln, and will Recreate Lincoln to Free us from the Woogies. That is the central Tenant of our church, which is spiritually profound, yes, but certainly not idolatry.
TCHF: Does your church have any contact, where the idiots, I mean true believers can gain spiritual advice and pay their bills?
JQG: Yes, our website is coming soon. But until then, send your cash checks and money orders to The Cold Hard Facts here, and you will see to it that they get to us, right?