Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Free your Souls from the Evil Woogies!

Our correspondent is on call to get The Cold Hard Facts about a new religion, The Church of Lincoln's Second Coming. With me today is the originator John Q. Green.

The Cold Hard Facts: Could you describe your religion for us?
John Q. Green: Yes. First we train people to meditate upon the secret knowledge and believe in the true faith, then Lincoln returns to free our souls from the Woogies.
TCHF: The Woogies? What in the world is a woogie?
JQG: First you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter.
TCHF: So the Church of Lincoln's Second Coming is just a cynical ploy designed to make you money?
JQG: No it is a honest attempt to better the world. And, if I can pay off my bookie? Well I am the Messiah!
TCHF: How did your religion start?
JQG: Well one day, I was arguing with my creditors when I got a revelation. There he appeared with his stupid hat and hideous beard, and he taught me The Knowledge. Knowledge which could be yours for the low payment of $19.95 a month.
TCHF: What is your religion's opinion on Intelligent Design?
JQG: Did Abraham Lincoln, the acme of creation evolve by chance? Nay, there must be a creator, and for only one payment of 99.99, or 3 small, easy payments of 33.33, I will tell you his identity.
TCHF: Some people call your religion a cult, what is your response?
JQG: It may well be a cult, but our Acolytes are some of the most satisfied customers around.
TCHF: Does your religion really preach "Death to all People from Maryland and Death to all Named Booth"
JQG: That is a misinterpretation of one of our myriad of secret religious beliefs. The Supreme Fellows on the Highest Plain of Mortal existence Praise John Wilkes Booth, the one who caused our sins to be forgiven. You can pray for him too for only 6590.23.
TCHF: Many Christians call your religion, "Idolatry of the worst kind." What is your response?
JQG: Well, really you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter. But in short, we believe in a Creator who Created Lincoln, and will Recreate Lincoln to Free us from the Woogies. That is the central Tenant of our church, which is spiritually profound, yes, but certainly not idolatry.
TCHF: Does your church have any contact, where the idiots, I mean true believers can gain spiritual advice and pay their bills?
JQG: Yes, our website is coming soon. But until then, send your cash checks and money orders to The Cold Hard Facts here, and you will see to it that they get to us, right?

1 comment:

Eli said...

It's been a while since I've heard about the Woogies. R' Dr. Luchins would be proud!