Thursday, May 18, 2006

Gas Pills

Made by Bio Performance, they work, they're fuel efficient, and Texas is unfairly cracking down on them. What are they? A revolutionary new fuel additive that increases fuel efficiency so much that some customers actually lose gas mileage. But Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott has it in for them. First he viciously blackmailed independent researchers in the University of Texas into claiming that the Fuel Pills are made of Naphthaline, a bald faced lie. Now he's saying that Bio Performances brilliant marketing scheme in which each mark pays the one above him in what is called "the pyramid" $50 for the right to sell gas pills, and then sells this right to the four people below him in this pyramid, is actually an illegal pyramid scandal. The Gall!

But how do these pills actually work? According to some people who are not Bio Performance they "lower flashpoint of our fuel, which allows for easier ignition. It will in turn, because of dispersant quality, enable fuel to burn more efficiently"

But that is just a smokescreen set up to cover their real secret, the Vronks - Krebb Reaction.

As the equation illustrates 1 mole of octane reacts with 1 mole one naphthalene, which is not present in Bio Performance, to form 3 moles of muon neutrinos plus gamma radiation and byproducts, and nothing kickstarts a car quite like muon neutrinos or gamma rays, not to mention the byproducts. But gas pills are just the beginning. Imagine what could be done with the Vronks-Krebbs reaction. The possibilities are endless!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Ghosts: Part II — Ouija Boards

Ouija Boards: Everyone knows they can communicate with the dead. Well everyone except the few skeptics, who can never accept the normal explantion for everything. They seem to think the guy holding the ouija pointer is the one who moves it, but that is so rediculous we won't discuss it any further. To get back on topic, can Ouija boards summon demons or is talking to the dead just a bad idea. We bring you the Cold Hard Facts. Do to religious concerns I wouldn't actually use a Ouija board, so I found a transcribed conversation.

User: Oh great and powerful Ouija board of Oz, speak to me.
Ouija Board: O-K
User: You're actually revealing the letters paranormally? That's not my fingers moving the pointer over then correct letters subconciously or something stupid like that?
Ouija: N-O-O-F-C-O-U-R-S-E-N-O-T-!
User: Oh Good. So which spirt is talking to me?
Ouija: J-O-H-N-T-H-E-D-E-A-D-M-A-N
User: John the dead man, what's it like being a dead man?
Ouija: N-O-T-F-U-N
User: Will I ever get married?
Ouija: N-O-Y-O-U-A-R-E-A-L-O-S-E-R
User: I don't believe you. Show me proof.
Ouija: Y-O-U-A-R-E-T-A-L-K-I-N-G-T-O-A-B-O-A-R-D-O-F-W-O-O-D-.
User: So?
Ouija: O-N-L-Y-L-O-S-E-R-S-U-S-E-O-U-I-J-A-B-O-A-R-D-S
User: Oh great Ouija Board, can you summon a demon?
Ouija: N-O
User: Please?
Ouija: N-O
User: Pretty Please?
Ouija: N-O
User: Pretty Please with a cherry on top?
Ouija: F-I-N-E-I-F-Y-O-U-I-N-S-I-S-T
Demon: Boo
User: Cool!
Ouija: G-E-T-A-L-I-F-E
Demon: Yes, get a life. Loser!

So the evidence is clearly inconclusive. Stay tuned for the exciting part three of our series, or get a life.

Monday, May 08, 2006

7 Habits of Highly Effective Blogs

As you all know The Cold Hard Facts is the most successful blog in the history of blogs. But how is it done? Well if you utilize the 7 legal suggestions that follow, I personally guarantee your blog too will become a sensation.

1) Post daily: As you all know this blog posts a new and exciting thought that can be mulled over with the morning coffee. As the saying goes, “It is better to speak when you have nothing to say, than not to speak at all.” You too must post daily, even if you have no time and nothing to say, otherwise no one will ever bother reading it.

2) Have a gimmick to draw in readership: I have found the best draw for blogs is free candy. People come for the candy and stay for the post.

3) Contrary to what you may have heard, never link to other people’s blogs*: That practice only increases those blogs’ hits; it doesn’t benefit you in any way. In fact it is harmful, because those blogs might be, and probably are, more interesting than yours and will steal your precious, precious readership.

4) Get linked to from other people blogs: Obviously you have to be crafty about this because those other people just read tip #3. But a good way to do this is to randomly go to a blog, and post the following comment: “Quite an informative piece you got there. More information on that topic is available here,“ of course linking the word here to your blog. It’s the kind of nuanced, subtle approach to publicity that will get you noticed without creating a fuss.

5) Controversial Political Opinions: Your blog will never go anywhere unless it offends someone. But why just offend someone? The more offensive the better, and the following political positions are guaranteed to offend democrat, republican, and communist alike, making your blog the talk of the internet. a) Raise taxes and invade China, b) Free silver and tariff reform (very controversial nowadays), and c), this one's a real gem, show strong support for the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850. Those are sure to get your blog noticed.

6) Celebrity Gossip: It’s no secret that a blog is nothing without a juicy bit of celebrity gossip. But most people don’t realize that this can be combined with tip #5 for extra effectiveness, as in the following quote:
“Britney Spears was seen today looking resplendent in a Sheik black dress, possibly illustrating her support for the Fugitive Slave Act.”

7) And if those six tips don’t work? Then go with the tried and true method: Chain Letters! There is no better way to take advantage of gullible, superstitious morons. But don’t bother writing you own. I included one of mine that has been making waves across the internet. Just substitute your blog for The Cold Hard Facts, change the URL, and send it to everyone in your inbox. This baby will travel all around the internet in no time.
There is a very important website you must see, or you will die. Don’t believe us, here are four cases.
CASE 1: Kimbe Olobogo of Gambia had one goal in life, to earn enough money subsistence farming to support a family. Then one day the price of Okra went up, and Kimbe earned 3 whole dollars! He was so exited. But then he noticed, he had had e-mail. He checked it, mostly the usual United States Scams, but then he saw one that he had never gotten before. It was this letter telling him to check out The Cold Hard Facts. He wanted to, but he was too poor to own a computer. BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, he died of malaria.

CASE 2: Take Mao Jindao. She received this letter and being the believer that she was, she sent it to her friends but she couldn’t see The Cold Hard Facts, because the Chinese government censored it. Three days later, Jindao went to a masquerade ball. Later that night when she left to get to her bicycle to go home, she was killed on the spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver. And later, the friends that got sent her letter and also couldn't check out The Cold Hard Facts also died in horrible accidents.

CASE 3: Kim S. Winters sent it to these guys. Seconds later, she was run over by an army tank, in her own house.

CASE 4: Richard S. Willis sent this letter out within 45 minutes of reading it, went to, read the entire The Cold Hard Facts and posted 23 comments. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview, he got an even better job with a really big company, when he ran into his real estate agent who told him that his house offer was accepted! But his day got even better! Later on his computer, a little window popped up saying he won a free ipod, and he actually won one. Then his wife decided not to divorce him, and they lived happily ever after.

This is the letter:

You must go to The Cold Hard Facts, read three posts and write a comment, then send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 different people. If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck. If you do not, bad luck will rear it's ugly head at you. THIS IS NOT A JOKE! You have read the warnings, seen the cases, and the consequences. You MUST send this on, or face dreadfully bad luck.

*NOTE* The more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have.

P.S. I did not make this up, someone sent it to me and I went to The Cold Hard Facts, and now am passing it on to you! Now you have to stop everything you’re doing to send it along! Pbttth! You have been warned!

Well there you have 7 tips to make your blog almost as successful as this one.

*Statistics show that 93.4% of Americans do not consider The Cold Hard Facts an “Other Person’s Blog.”

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Ghosts, they haunt our pubs and ruin our photographs. This ghost had the audacity to write physics graffiti all over this one. Clearly ghosts are a serious problem. A problem that must be examined by a serious source, like this blog. Here is the Cold Hard Facts on ghosts.

We start by examining testimony of self-proclaimed experts, scientists who talk to ghosts on a daily basis.
Ghosts? You mean invisible dead guys that can go through walls, but yet still knock two pots against each other and make a noise? Bah!
Only an idiot would believe in ghosts.
I have never seen a ghostly phenomenon that couldn't be explained away without the use of ghosts.

Clearly, once again the skeptics know nothing. These guys must be the only people in the world who would ignore the overwhelming evidence for anything that breaks the laws of physics.

Ah here we go.These guys know about ghosts. Not only can they see and hear ghosts, but you too can "see dead people" with six easy lessons. And that degree in ghostology will take career to new levels. John Smith, Ghostologist, is clearly Senior Vice President material.

But how do you detect ghosts once you get your diploma. It's all in the Air Ion Counter, Gaussmeter, and Geiger Counter, equipment specifically designed for optimum ghost deteection. This equipment provided the first positive confirmation that ghosts live around Uranium mines.

So buy your Ghostology degree and Ghosthunting equipment and join the good fight to keep ghosts out of your pubs and photos.

Don't expect more blog posts!

Blogging will be light today, due to the fact I have run out of ideas.