Monday, July 14, 2008

Boil that Cabbage Down

A lot of readers have written in saying that the Master Cleanse jus doesn't sound masochistic enough for their tastes. "Is their anything even more disgusting," they ask? Perhaps, and this one is even Kosher. Announcing the Cabbage Soup Diet, the only diet so horrifyingly evil, its own creators are ambivalent about it.

Based on the observation that poor, Victorian Londerers were often quite svelte, the cabbage soup diet brings the secret of their success to you in a bold new fad that is bound to make you say, "Please sir, I want some more".

What you want some more! Oh good, because cabbage soup is only the first step towards a healthier new you. The second step is an increasingly irrational and disgusting list of foods that you must eat, day by day, for a week. After that, all taste will be sucked out of your tongue and your stomach will hang itself in despair. Then you can go on an actual diet, because contrary to your expectations, the cabbage soup diet is safe to actually try losing weight on. But first, let us begin the Tour de Nausea.

On Day One, you can all the cabbage soup you want. And you can also eat all the fruit you want. Well all the fruit except: . And no rutabagas either. I see that gleam in your eye, you stinkin' cheater.

On day two, you can eat all the veggies you want, but no fruit. Fruit bad, veggies good. And also, if you want, treat yourself to a nice unbuttered baked potato. GO on; you deserve it. It'll be our little secret.

Day three. Cabbage soup. Fruit, veggies. No bananas. No potatoes. We mean business here.

On day four, G-d created the sun, the moon, and all the stars. Go have a banana or two or eight in honour of His achievement. And if you desire a carton of skim milk with your cabbage soup, now would be a good time. Bottoms up.

Day five is beef day. Eat twenty ounces of meat and six tomatoes. No you cannot substitute light fish for the beef. What do you think this is? Kindergarten? This is a diet, people! Sheesh.

Day six. After all that beef and tomatoes, you are probably hoping for something light. Well guess what? Tough eggs, because today is steak and green veggies day. Eat at least 2 or three steaks, one bowl of soup and all the leafy, green veggies you can cram down your throat.

Day seven. Brown rice and fruit juice. And do gorge yourself this time. We are trying to lose weight here.

There, that wasn't so bad. You survived the normal tremors and delirium, and maybe you even lost a pound or two. Well tomorrow begins a new week. So boil that cabbage down, boys; turn that old cake round.

Career Opportunities

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately, and it only made sense to consider my career and what I can expect to earn for my efforts. Hmm, not bad. But how about this?. Much better. Maybe, I should try to broaden my horizons? Only if I want to be poorer than a postman.

Hmm, I wonder what else is open to a man of my talents*.

But that is just the beginning of this amazing tool. There are all sorts of great jobs that you didn't even know existed. In fact the job market is quite good, if you go about it the right way.
But what if you have no skills at all. What if you are destined to live in a box in the middle of Times Square? Is it still possible to send your kids to Yeshiva? Yes, but it's all about choosing the right title. And you thought they snorted because they were addicted to the stuff. Little did you know the surest path to riches.

And if you're a brainless git? Not to worry.
A fool and his money are soon joined.

Feel free to comment with any absurdities I may have missed.

With thanks to Not my Father for finding the site.
*Note to self: Avoid nanoshell scripting like the plague.