Friday, June 23, 2006

It's a bear... It's a guy in gorilla suit... It's BIGFOOT. Oh wait it is a bear.

Bigfoot is he real? No one knows for sure, but most people think he is and that it is only a matter of time before we nab him. We bring an exclusive Cold Hard Facts report on Bigfoot and what our top biologists are doing to nab him.

First we turn to the most trusted name in Bigfoot field research, the aptly named Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Their skeptical researcher are constantly investigating encounters with the reclusive beasts and separating the facts from the fiction. They remind viewers of the importance of always looking at skeptical arguments, such as "Didn't some guy say that you claim a picture of him in a gorilla suit is Bigfoot," skeptically. I mean if he hoaxed us once by dressing up in a costume, who's to say he's not hoaxing us again by admitting it; obviously this picture is of Bigfoot.

But now that the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization has conclusively proven bigfoots exist, how do we go about catching one? This is job for the Great American Bigfoot Research Organization. Right now their top fieldhands are hard at work on a serious scientific mission to find a bigfoot and bring him alive, and for only $6.95 US per month we can receive daily entries on their progress so far. Knowing that you all are cheapskates this blog managed to procure a couple of free journal entries.
April 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
Had the expiditions photos developed today. Why does a bigfoot always look blurry and in the distance? Perhaps it's the quality of my wide-angle lens. But no matter. The expiditon must go on. I know bigfoots are intelligent. If only I could get one to talk to me, I'm sure we both would have a lot to learn.

April 2, 2006
Dear Diary,
Great news! Met a bigfoot today. His name is Urgurg and he invited me over for tea tomorrow. This could be the break investigators have been seaching for. Still it begs a question. Bigfoots drink tea? Could it be that they are far more intelligent and cultured than we believed possible?

April 3, 2006
Dear Diary,
Bad news. After talking to Urgurg today, I made a horrible dicovery: Urgurg is not a bigfoot. He's a just a creepy human in a costume named Sam Mudgeman. Even worse, when I showed him our scientific footage of a bigfoot, he demanded to know how long we've been stalking him. Then he pulled out a gun and ordered us to get off his property and leave him alone. I don't believe it. My whole life's work wasted. Still we must press on.

April 5, 2006
Dear Diary,
Thought we saw a bigfoot today, but when I heard a gunshot, I realized it was just Mudgeman. When will that guy get a life? Sometimes I ask myself is bigfoot really out there? Perhaps we'll never know.

Exciting stuff. So until next time remember to send all those Bigfoot sightings to the experts, and perhaps with your help, even scientists will believe in Bigfoot.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Did the world end yesterday?

Yesterday was the sixth day of the sixth month of the the 2006th year after the fourth year after Jesus was born, associating it with the number 662006, THE NUMBER OF EVIL. Unless of course you're more of a yyyy/mm/dd kind of guy in which case 200766 is the NUMBER OF EVIL. And according some movie trailer, there will be... will have been... was dire consequences yesterday involving a little kid and a tea party. But this is no time to no time to have a tea party; this is the time to call in the resident experts and discern the Cold Hard Facts on the matter.
If the world will end yesterday... I mean will have ended... would have... ended yesterday, we wouldn't very well exist would we? So I think we're fine.
He thinks he so smart. Well maybe in the future the world will have been retroactively annulled annulled yesterday. Did you think of that before you ridiculed me, huh? Forget you, I'm going to our next expert.
Do I think the world will end yesterday because some arbitrary calendar with either the arbitrary format mm/dd/yy or the equally arbitrary format dd/mm/yy comes out to 666 if you arbitrarily leave out the /s and 0s. This is a tough question. I can't just give an arbitrary answer of whether the world will have ended.
So you're caught on the fence, eh. You skeptics are always to scared to make a stand.

Well like always the skeptics choose to answer a reasonable question with sarcasm and ignore the facts. So let's turn to more of a true believer.
Certainly the world ended yesterday. You may not notice it yet, but trust me you will. You might think killing me will stop it, but my death will make little difference. The end of the world is already here. You can't prevent it; you can't escape it, for the end is already upon us, and there's no turning back.
That guy sounds much more reasonable. But how can the world end without us noticing it. Well since information doesn't travel faster than the speed of light, and since the world ends say a light-year from us yesterday, we won't know it ended until a year from yesterday when the signal reaches us, but it certainly already ended.

So to summarize, it's all for you Damien, whatever that means.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The June Primary

Today was the very important June primary, upon which the whole future of our country depended. And once again to discuss the cold hard facts with us, is our political clairvoyant Madame Cleo Browne.

Madame Cleo Browne: I see the facts. They are cold and hard!
Cold Hard Facts: Since you were last with us, you helped the Houston Police solve a murderer. Tell us about that.
MCB: I had a vision of a body, felt and suffering and death. "Who did this horrible deed" I cried, and the spirits revealed the path. They showed my a man with flaming red hair, a crooked nose, a eye blue and one brown.
CHF: That's quite descriptive, but I don't think...
MCB: Silence unbeliever! Be gone skeptic! The spirits have not yet finished revealing their wisdom! A broad chin did I see, and an eyepatch black as night and one eyebrow, ugliness unmarred by a mustache. And as the spirits revealed, so did the murderer look. See for yourself.

CHF: Um, let's talk about that primary.
MCB: I see a man, he is speaking. Triumphant is he and joyous! Protestant and Anglo-Saxon is he, it is an M word, clearly a winner.
CHF: M-word? You mean Richard Menendez?
MCB: Yes Menendez the WASP, a name of strength, power. He is destined for the presidency. A crisis with Iran will unfold and he will attempt to solve.
CHF: Wow that's amazing. How did you know that? You must have a newspaper.
MCB: Newspaper, it has never crossed my eyes. From the underworld does all my news come. I see another man, he is crying, sulking devastated. A man will lose.
CHF: Astounding, tell me more.
MCB:Um argh, blood, guts, death. Can't continue stupid interview. Danger.
CHF: Well, ok then.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Mysteries of the Marshall Islands Square

The Bermuda Triangle an exactly triangle shaped region of the ocean, where millions of ships and airplanes disappear daily. But what causes all those ships to disappear? Skeptics would have you believe their arcane and ridiculous explanations such as stormy seas or pilot error. We on other hand know that like always, those skeptics are involved in the active destruction of the truth, just to make us true-believers seem ridiculous.

So what is the real explanation for the triangle? No one knows for sure, but the answer has something to do with Atlantis, wormholes, and aliens. Unfortunately I was not able to understand the deep truth of the wormhole-Atlantis-space-alien hypothesis, but it has something to do with aliens transporting a neutron star under the Atlantic in order to warp light in that area, and as it has the words quantum and relativity in it, it must be true. So until next time, remember that no one knows less about science then the biased idiots who call themselves scientists.