Thursday, December 27, 2007

Life After Death

A few weeks ago some friends and I got into a discussion of Facebook accounts, and one person wondered whether some smart alec created a profile for the Lubavitcher Rebbe. It seemed like a distinct possibility, and so I decided to find out. Alas the answer is no. Rav Menachem Mendel Schneerson is not on facebook.

But it did occur to me to see if other famous people did have accounts on Facebook. I first started with other great rabbis. I figured that if any rabbi would have a profile on facebook, it would have to be either Hillel or Rambam, as every school, camp, charity fund, or organization named after a rabbi, will invariably be named Hillel or Maimonides. No one is ever original enough to name something after the Ramah, for example. And so, the search began.

In addition to all the organizations and quotes from Guide to the Perlexed, Rambam has two profiles. The first is the only Jew in the Egypt network, and the second one is in Quebec, Canada, which I can only assume was his summer home. A search for Hillel only turned up the college organization, a Mr. Rutgers Hillel, and זכר למקדש כהללֹ— Korech Lovers Anonymous.

Moving on to secular figures, we find that Theodor Seuss Geisel, one of the greatest writers of all time has a rhyming facebook profile with less than two hundred different words, and William Shakepeare still lives on, but only in China. And though Dumas is no longer with us, his Comte de Montichristo has been busy. But Franz Kafka takes the literary cake, with 214 separate profiles. Bet you regret wanting to destroy your books now, eh Franz?

After literature, there was one thing I HAD to check. Joseph Stalin has a profile. Joe Stalin stole my blog avatar, and teaches at Villanova (You don't want to see his profile at ratemyprofessors. It's not pleasant). Iosef Stalin has two, and Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin also stole my picture, but at least he colorized it. Joseph Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili has 11 profiles. And it would seriously disturb you to learn how many girls call themselves Joan Stalin.

Chemists are behind in the fake profile game. Fritz Haber has only one profile, and it appears to be a LIVING Fritz Haber, not THE Haber. Kekule has none. The only famous chemist who does have a profile is Linus Pauling with 5. But mathematicians are rather better. 176 years after his fatal duel, Évariste Galois has finally graduated Princeton, Kansas City, and the University of Edinburgh. Hilbert, Godel, Lagrange and Laplace all have profile. And Fourier went to Rutgers.

Ignaz Semmelweis has a profile, as does Louis Pasteur. Lister does not, but I'm sure he'll have one shortly *cough*. Alexandre Yersin does not, but the disease named after him does. John Snow has a profile, and I had no idea that his work was an all too common last name.

I'm sure that many, many other famous people all have profiles, but I think this should be enough incentive for the Lubavitch to get a move on it.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Yea Linux!

This reminds me of the time I overheard two girls gossiping about actors, and for a split second, I wondered why the heck they were discussing quantum mechanics.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

"CLASSIFIED" or "Fun with Madlibs"

Warning: After writing the outline to this post. I was told that Jon Stewart had made the same joke and even referenced the same passage that I am about to reference. To that all I can see is that, "Great minds think alike." But I don't need other great minds to think for me.

Recently I started reading "Fair Game" by a former CIA agent. Before the book could be published, it had to be vetted by the CIA. And the CIA chose to classify about a quarter of the material, mostly in the first chapters of the book. Now I am all for keeping sensitive material out of enemy hands, but I must say that it does add a certain amount of humor to the book. I suppose I should expect it of those kwazy CIA agents. Remember when I posted their recruitment video that they had streamed through YOUtube, and the CIA responded by yanking the video off YOUtube and sent me a warning about revealing sensitive documents*£. Well this is not quite as good, but it is still pretty good.

First of let us examine the method used to classify things. Here we can see a page of text with gray bars covering some of the words.

Here we can see a page of gray bars with some text uncovered.

Here we can see an entire page full of nothing but gray bars. Wait a minute, look up there near the top of the page. Can you see it? They left two periods unclassified. Why the heck did they do that? Isn't it easier just to gray bar everything. They must have done it for a reason, because clearly those aren't the only periods. Presumably the rest of the page is not one giantm multi-paragraph, run-on sentence. Make that giant, multi-paragraph run-on word, as I see there is a single unclassified space as well. No, so why did they declassify only those punctuation marks? Perhaps those sentences are just not important enough to conceal where they end. Or perhaps just the opposite. Maybe those are only decoy periods to further obscure the truth. Or, quite possibly, the censor just missed them. We may never know.

Another weird thing about the censoring is the content that is censored. Sometimes there seems to be a completely innocuous passage, and then right there at the end, right when you are least expecting it, BAM gray bars. Like here.
I paid and walked out of her chic Red Bank apartment. CENSORED I called Joe from the Doctor's office. "Honey, the doctor says he hears two heartbeats–—We're having twins."
I suppose what the author couldn't say was that she discovered that chic Ob/Gyn really was a mole, but that the threat was now "neutralized".

Here's another example that is even weirder.
Because the babies still didn't suck very well, we were told not to use bottles, but rather a large syringe that essentially squirted the formula into their mouths. It felt a little like feeding a baby bird. Switching between breast and syringe feeding when they took only a few ounces at a time and capturing each detail in a notebook soon took its toll. I was exhausted CENSORED. Every baby book...
What is with the baby censorings? I mean I'm all for giving a mother her privacy, but I notice the CIA kinda came in too late for that. Besides censoring like that just makes the paragraph more conspicuous.

And here is perhaps the weirdest example of all. "Could I actually do xx job on a less-than full time basis?" Now, you can tell by the size of the gray box, that the censored word is very short, probably only two letters. And from the context it's clearly "My". But then why bother with the censoring? Even now that I know the full sentence reads, "Could I actually do MY job on a less-than full time basis," I am no more enlightened in matters of national security. And if that "My" DID say loads about the state of security in this country, I would hope they would guard it better. It took all off two seconds for me to figure out what it said. We can only hope such poorly guarded secrets never make it to the ears of Bin Laden. G-d only knows what he could do with with such information. Perhaps he is building a "My" bmb as we speak. Thanks a lot CIA.

Of course all the censoring just begs to be played as the ultimate mad lib. Take that first example. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out whether the missing words are nouns, verbs, or adjectives, so just guess some at random and enjoy. The only catch is that if you randomly guess correctly, you may get a call from men in black coats next week. Hey wait. Hey what's going on. Stop you can't do this. The truth will come out. Hey! Stop it! Put me down! You can't silence me. I'll tell everyfriend I know. In alphabetical order! AUGGGGGGGH!.

*Sorry the warning email was classified. I am not allowed to share it with you.
£By the way, in an effort to avoid more ridicule, the CIA pulled down all their recruitment pages, including their great Flash game, so if you didn't catch that post earlier, than it is just too bad.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Apparently there was some kind of horrible mishap with that last post, but I don't have anything else to blog about, so I'll leave it.

Kadir Buxton — Time Traveling Supergenious or lair?

Warning ! I am actuall

Friday, October 26, 2007

Two posts today?

There may be two posts today. But it is getting late, I have things to do before sundown, and the second post isn't finished yet. Feel free to check by later, but don't get your hopes up.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tired of Walking GIrls Home

One of the majors problems of being on a college campus is that girls always insist you walk them home, even when they live in a completely different direction. Lucky for me, girls avoid me like the plague, but there are others who are not so lucky. The problem is that it is just not safe for a girl to walk out alone after dark, but at the same time, it is too much bother to walk with her. Now at last, there is a solution. The solute? Aya Tsukioka, of Japan, has has invented a dress, which she believes will allow girls to go out after dark and avoid random neighborhood psychopaths.

Taking inspiration from the ancient ninjas, who used to wear dark cloaks to blend in with the night, Ms. Tsukioka's dress allows the wearer to blend in with a city, by disguising her as a Coke Machine. It may sound like a really idea stupid idea that will never work, but the disguise is quite convincing. Try to pick out the girl from the actual soda machines in the picture below.

Did you guess the right one?

I didn't think so.

So now if a girl runs into a psychopath, all she has to do is distract him for a few seconds, perhaps with the old, "Look over there," gag. Then quick as a wink, she seamlessly blends into the surroundings, and her pursuer is left to wonder what in Hell that new soda machine is doing on Bob St. Meanwhile the girl's would be escort is free to do more important things than care about her safety.

There is just one little snag. What if the random neighborhood psychopath decides he's thirsty, but he only like Mountain Dew. He may well take out his anger on that new Coke machine, and that would be bad. Luckily, new models will disguise as less divisive urban monuments, perhaps parking meters or trash bins. A dress that is also a garbage can? That is one invention the Cold Hard Facts can salute. Nice job, Aya Tsukioka. Keep up the good work.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Silken Petals

My aunt requested that I put up a picture of the card she made, and let you decide for yourselves rather than just call her crazed. So fine here it is.

You happy now, Auntie?

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Losing in Style

Yesterday Rutgers lost a second football game, which means it is no longer a "Championship Team". Some people cling to the deluded hope that, perhaps, if Rutgers wins every other game, it can yet be decent. Poor souls. They are setting themselves up to be crushed by reality. But not me, for I have hope of another kind. Which is why I am cheering for the Orange Club, even though "Orange Club" is the sorriest excuse for a team name that I have ever heard. Because, if we cannot have a great football team, at least we should have a totally lousy football team.

President McCormick said last year that the Scarlet Knights have finally put the university on the map, that having a good football team has made us more esteemed. But all the really esteemed schools have sorry excuses for football teams. Look at Cornell. They are in the wimpiest division ever, and they still lost every game they played. Look at Princeton. They are so bad, they would lose to Cornell if they were man enough to play them. And Princeton is even more prestigious a school than Cornell. The list goes on and on. Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Penn, Caltech, MIT, Georgetown. Ye, to truly be "On the map," you need a lousy football team.

And if Rutgers doesn't blow it, that is exactly what will happen. If we want to be a "Harvard on the Raritan," we gotta play like a Harvard on the Raritan. We need to suck. Now is our chance. Last year we showed the world we were almost as good as Texas A&M. But who cares about being almost as good as Texas A&M, when you can be almost as bad as Harvard? Only then will Rutgers truly be Ivy League.

So Schiano, get out there and blow the game, and all the games afterwards. And Mike, you continue to throw those interceptions. And Ray, break a leg, literally. As for the rest of the team, you guys read up on the Black Sox. Make Cicotte* your role model. Together we can make a difference. GO ORANGES!

So let's hear it for Old Rutgers.
And hope their football team doth pan.
May they lose every single game.
May they head on home in shame,
To the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
where old Rutgers ever more shall stand,
For has she not stood since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

*Yeah yeah, I know he was a baseball player. But that only means it would be even easier for him to lose a football game.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Building huts

You know what they say: "The huts have to go up. The blog doesn't have to be written." But I say it does, and so I wrote it.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

And all should cry, Beware! Beware!

Take heed, oh ye who see this in your mini-feed. And give ear, all ye who accidently stumbled across this on Google. Oh, and the few people who actually want to read the post, should probably read it too. For this is another Cold Hard Facts SPA SCARE!

Before we begin with the news, I would like to thank all those who offered to take me to a spa for my birthday. And I would especially like to thank my crazy aunt, who went one step farther, and sent me a card purporting to contain a gift certificate for a wax and facial. Of course if any of you were serious, I would have had to kill you. But since you weren't, yes it was quite funny.

But, now is the time to be serious and not funny, for I have unearthed a vast conspiracy. Yes, men take a gander at this article, and watch the smiles vanish from your faces. I have reflected on this story, and I can come to only one shocking conclusion. There is a vast conspiracy of mean and nasty women wishing to get us face down in a tub full of beer and laugh at us. Lies you say? Perhaps, but take a gander of the newspaper that article is in. That's right, the Women's Section. They could have been plotting this for months and I would never have known. But thanks to a tip-off, I know now, and perhaps there is still time.

Arm yourselves men. Arm yourselves, and trust no one. Wife, sister, mother-in-law, they could all be in this together. Even your own mother may try to lure you in, as this young man found out too late! Prepare yourselves men. Prepare yourselves or you will share his fate. And if its too late, if you were already sucked in, if you are forced to bathe in beer, at least buy a keg and do it in your own shower. You might lose, but at least then the spas won't have won. Plus you'll save about a thousand bucks.

And if there are any good women left. If there are women who have not yet succumbed to the curse, then you too are at risk. I speak of the Tupperware parties. Or should I say Spapperware parties. It's the most insidious plot since oral surgeons started offering eyebrow buffing and make-up tips. I can hear the spa executives chuckling to themselves. They know ladies will buy anything at a Tupperware party.* They know all your weaknesses, but you still have to hold out as long as possible. Society depends on you. And absolutely refuse to host such parties. Sure you might earn a few dollars. Sure you might get beautiful skin. But is beautiful skin really worth the cost of your soul? Oh it is? Then I guess we're doomed.

*Even Tupperware seems extra exciting to women at parties. "Wow it stores food. I'll take 30!" Top behavioral experts are still trying to figure out why.

Good News

My brother, "not notElon's brother", actually managed to get the service provider to unlock the DSL. Perhaps he is very persuasive. Or possibly he blackmailed them. I But the important thing is it works, so if a blogpost comes out today, be sure to give him your thanks.

And also thanks to "In no way am I notElon's dad." We couldn't have done it without him. He gave my brother the ride.

Postscript: Actually a blog post just did come out today, this one. So you are forced to thank my brother and father.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Blame Vewizon

I won't swear on it, but blogging will resume tomorrow, once I have more reliable internet access, if I have more reliable internet access.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

If only they knew...

According to a press release on their website, the FEC has recently declared blogs to be media and to be subject to all exemtions therein. I didn't really give a darn until I suddenly remembered that I have a blog, and if the blog is media, do I not have the status as a reporter.

During the past hour, I have been thinking of how I can best abuse my press credentials. I figure I can start by running around shoving clipboards in people's faces, demanding snappy answers to all sorts of weird issues that people don't actually give a damn about. But there must be more I can do. Maybe something involving Freedom of Press. But, for once, I'm not sure how best to annoy everyone.

So I will throw it open to you readers. How can The Cold Hard Facts best take advantage of its newfound status, and how many people can we piss off along the way? I will consider carrying out the best entry. And as always, knowing very well that the contest will have no entries, the best answer wins a blog post.

Monday, September 03, 2007

I am not bound to please thee with my Answer...

... Certainly not when you ask that kind of question.

I have recently been spending time on Yahoo! Answers, mostly out of sheer boredom between class sessions. For those who don't know, Yahoo! Answers is a website where random people on the internet ask questions, and other random people, like myself, stop by to answer them. Good answers are rewarded with points, and when you get enough points, you presumably get rewarded with something nice, a toaster oven say. I already have over 2,500 points, and I'll probably get that cool leather jacket any day now. What's that you say? Points are meaningless? NOooooOO! Well at least I still have a blog post.

I earned most of my points in two fields, one of which I am now a "Top Contributor" in. Perhaps you can guess which fields those are. Well I won't tell you if you are right or not because I refuse to admit how much of a loser I truly am*. But I noticed there are some people who are even bigger losers than I am. And for your viewing pleasure, I will ennumerate the with snide remarks.

1) Some people, forgetting that any random bozo is going to answer their question, describe, in extreme detail, a 15 step experiment they would like their research group to carry out. Then they ask whether the project is safe. Hello! There are probably only 10 or so labs in the country that can do that project, and yours is one of them. Lives may be at stake here, and you me whether what you are doing is safe? Do you really think it is a good idea to waste your time and points asking that. Wouldn't it be better, to, I don't know, ASK A COLLEGUE! Someone who also went to graduate school. Someone with experience. I am one of the most knowledgeable people on that Yahoo Answers forum. I have had 2 years of training in that subject, and I can't even understand the question. And knowing the other users on that forum only makes me less comfortable about you asking there for safety advice.

2) The other users browsing that forum. Namely the guy who asked, "Two chemicals dangerous when mixed. Where I get them?" Luckily for him most knowledgeable chemical people aren't sadists** and would never give him such info. There's a good chance he's still alive.

3) Many people probably use Yahoo! Answers to get help with homework. This is fine. Some people ask about 50 questions at the same time, and expect other people to do their homework. Those people receive a lot of snide remarks, and not all of them from me. But even those people are smart enough not to use Yahoo! Answers to cheat on tests. And even the people who use Yahoo! Answers to cheat on tests don't normally give the point value of each test question they want answered. But one guy did just that. He (or she, but I think girls may have more brains than that) painstakingly typed in 16 Algebra questions, and yes, right there next to the title of each question, was the amount of points the question would be worth on the test. I'm not sure what he was thinking. I mean a) How could anyone answer all those questions and get back to him before the teacher wondered what was taking him so long in the bathroom? b) By putting the point-score there, he annouced to the whole world it was a test, and most people want money for test questions. c) Writing that point-score wastes time. And if you only have an hour, it would probably be in your best interest to hurry. Anyway I got back to him about three days later with this answer: "You Fail". And I got my 16 points for it; To add to his embarrassment, I voted it the best answer.

4) On the topic of people who write stupid math questions: You would be surprised to find the number of people who write in asking for 50% of 30 or help adding a two-digit number. I don't know about you readers, but I find this shameful. a) It is not too much too expect for someone to be able to add two-digit numbers. It's not that hard. Even Paris Hilton could probably add two-digit numbers if she set her mind to it. It might take her a few hours, but she could do it.*** If Paris can add, so can you. b) If you are such an absolute moron that you don't know how to add two digit numbers, at the least cover your stupidity with a calculator. There is no need to announce to the world what a dunce you are. A calculator can do the job cheaper and faster.

5) Someone who answers the aforementioned question with "Arg Math! I hate math! It burns. It burns. Make it go away!"**** is even worse than the last guy. She (Sorry ladies, but she did have a female avatar) also could do with some math and perhaps some counseling. I mean does she freak out every time she write up a deposit slip? But at least the other guy knew how to read. You have to give him some credit. He knew to ask that question about addition in the forum labeled "Mathematics". If this person is that scared of numbers, why in heck did she go to a "Mathematics" forum? What did she expect to find there?

Besides the people, there is one other highly amusing thing about Yahoo! Answers. The "Alternative Science" forum somehow ended up lumped with the "Actual Science" forums in "Science and Mathematics". Even more amusing, "Alternative" happens to come just before "Astronomy and Cosmology" in the list. This ensures a constant supply of ridicule and torment towards anyone who dares ask a question about Astrology or UFOs. It's very entertaining to watch.

And last, some questions just make you say "Whaa..." I speak of course about this one.
Hypothetically speaking, if my husband went into New Zealand's witness protection program, will I ever see him

For some reason, I am partial to one Edgar Greenberg's answer.
The New Zealand Witness Protection Program? OF COURSE! I KNEW that orc looked familiar. Tony we have our man. And nope you'll never see him again. Not now anyway. Thanks Honey.

But this guy's was good too.
Probably not - because New Zealand's witness protection program is the best in the World bar none.

You are told to dress like a sheep and go mingle. So far not one protectee has ever been found....
Support your local All Important Question Of The Day&trade (and Completely Ridiculous Question Of The Day&trade and Just Wondering&trade)

The Completely Ridiculous Question of the Day&trade? That's one cause The Cold Hard Facts heartily supports.******

*Out of touch with Culture. Ha, I'll have you know I earned an A in Pop Culture. I'm like totally awesome, man.
**Unluckily for him, I am sadistical. I told him exactly where to get them chemicals from. I also told him the reaction product has a sweet and tangy smell. Expect an update real soon, possibly from the Darwin Awards.
***You catch the Pop Culture reference? I told you I was on the ball.
****Ok it wasn't quite that. But I HAD to exaggerate. People who can't add aren't all that witty or literate either. '
*****Contrary to what this post may make you believe, I do sometimes give actual and factual answers. Just don't ask me to make a "Cold yam salad recipes with marshmallow fluff?"

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

New Computer

I recently bought a new MacBook to replace my old laptop. You may have noticed how blogging suddenly stopped a while back. That's because I broke my computer. Well actually I almost immediately replaced my computer, but I haven't felt like doing The Cold Hard Facts. But now at last I return.

The computer comes with a 64 bit, 2 GHz Intel processor, 1 GB of RAM, and a nce graphic card. But I didn't get it for any of those reasons. I didn't get it for the display or for the DVD drive. All computers have them. I didn't even get it for the Programming Tools or the Big Bang Tic Tac Toe, although not every computer has them, and the Programming Tools are darn useful. So is the ability to natively run MatLab. But those features are worth blogging either.*

No the first real advantage is the cool new track-pad. The old computer's track-pad had a tendency to freeze up, or drag the cursor in exactly the wrong direction, and the new track-pad lacks those problems. But that's not the cool part. In fact, who even cares if the track-pad works. So long as its boring, it could be made of solid gold and read your finger position with millimeter precision, and still not be worth talking about. No the reason the trackpad is cool is because I can do things with this track-pad, I couldn't dream of doing on the old one. On my old computer, in order to left click you had to push a button, and in order to right click, you had to push two buttons. Such a pain. But behold the new age! For now I can do both by just touching the pad. So far I've saved about .7 seconds that way. And who need scrollbars anymore, the trackpad can do that too!

But the best thing by far is the motion sensor. Apple places a motion sensor in all it's computers. The supposed real purpose is to sense when the computer is dropped or jerked, so the hard drive can be protected by parking the disk heads in time. But Apple also made the sensor readouts available to third party programs, allowing all sorts of cool new features like a car alarm. Yes by actually doing something productive with the stupid remote and motion sensor turns your computer into the perfect way to annoy your brother. Just point the remote at the computer, hold down the Menu button until you hear you hear a beep such as a car's key fob might make, and then "accidentally" jiggle the screen, before running off with the remote. Ta-dah, instant noise. And since he can't turn it off without the remote, you can go off bowling and leave the computer ringing for hours.** But there's more! iAlertU will even take a picture of the perpetrator via the built in camera, assuming it gets a good shot, and send it to you via email, assuming you can check your email with your computer gone and all. But with much effort, we did manage to capture this picture of the perpetrator.

Ha, I must have been trying to steal it for the insurance money. Please excuse me while I interrogate myself.
"Oww! On... the desk Owww"
"Don't make me do good cop-bad cop."
"It's on the desk. Right there in front of me. Oww"
"Fine I asked for it. Oww"
"Oww, quit it! It's on the oww desk"

This make take awhile. Excuse me.

*Actually Big Bang Tic Tac Toe probably is. Tic Tac Toe has never been so... creepy. Its unreal.
**I wouldn't actually recommend this. There are such things as hammers.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Is Pop Culture Science

And if it is, Why the Hell Study this Garbage.

First you may be wondering why I hae not mentioned the religion class. Well it turns out that the religion class is more of a history course than a studies course, and thus it is harder to make fun of. That does not mean there are not interesting moments in the class, because some religious beliefs can be... Well here's a example. This came from an Anglican Priest in 18th Cetury Virginia. At that time planters were worried that perhaps if their slaves converted, and became good Christians, the slaves might earn rights. The pastor knew which of the two groups of Christians paid his salary, and he thus addressed the issue with the following religious ruling.
To remove all pretence from the Adult Slaves I shall baptise of their being free upon that account, I have thought to fit to require first their consent to this following declaration You declare in the Presence of god and before this Congregation that you do not ask for the holy baptism out of any design to free yourself from the Duty and Obedience you owe to your Master while you live, but merely for the good of Your Soul and to partake of the Graces and Blessings promised to the members of the Church of Jesus Christ . One of the most Scandalous and common Crimes of our Slaves is their perpetual Changing of Wives and husbands, which occasions great disorders; I also tell them whom I baptise The Christian Religion does not allow the plurality of Wives, nor any changing of them; You promise truly to keep the Wife yo now have till Death dos part you. It has been Customary among them to have their feasts, dances, and meetings on the Lord's Day, that practice is pretty well over in this parish, but not absolutely; I tell them that present themselves to to be admitted to Baptism, they mus promise they'l spend no more the Lord's day in idleness, and if they do, I'l cut them off from the Communion.
Ahh those Anglican Pastors. So empathetic to the needs of their congregation.

However, due to it's rather factual nature, the class itself is less deserving of parody. I might present a funny quote or two, but I will primarily blog about the Pop Culture.

And now for the question of the day, Is Pop Culture, or at least the study of pop culture a science? It certainly claims to be one, but at first glance, this does not seem so. I mean there are no explosion and hardly any mathematics. But even so, it could still be one of those soft, wimpy sciences like Neural Cellular Biology. So let us start at the beginning and keep an open mind.

A rigourous, scientific study of Popular culture is admittedly difficult. Apparently there are laws against locking subjects in rooms and playing 24 hour non-stop Hillary Duff music, while quantitatively monitoring their behavior.
Day 26, the subjects appear to be experiencing extreme agitation. Number 24 tried to strangle my graduate student, when she brought him food. This is the 28 time this week, that he ha displayed such violent tendencies. I intend to study this phenomenon further.

Thus Sociologists once again must take the wimpy way out and conducts surveys and or case histories. This is called Qualitative Research, or BSing. Qualitative Research is not unlike what Dr. Sachs has done. There are of course two differences. Oliver Sachs studied people with postencephalitic parkinsonism, while Pop Culture sociologists study Paris Hilton fans, so they face the additional problem that their research subjects are brain-damaged.

The second problem is more serious. Whereas Oliver Sachs can also do real science, soft and wimpy though it is, I simply do not see how a sociologist can. I must admit that sociologists do have elaborate ways of coping with this bias, (Emic and Etic and all that), and their studies are very thorough, but ultimately I think their research speaks for itself. So we conclude that no matter how much documenting and analysis there is, we still may not have a science. It's a shame, because done properly perhaps this would lead to interesting insights in human nature. Ah well. Done improperly, it as least generates much hilarity.

*This knowledge is all hearsay. I never had the urge to investigate her directly, but I get the impression that any fans of hers are weirdos.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Femininity, Decontruction, and Coconuts: An Explosive Concoction

So let us continue where we left off in the textbook, and from there we will proceed to the class. For once in my life I actually took notes, and I intend to use them, so expect the world. (Yes I might have made a note or two in Diff Eq, but they hardly count.)

We proceed from the basic understanding of pop culture to a didactic analysis of the effects of the feminine revolution on the genre of Mass Culture. Perhaps Didactic is not the right word. Well I don't care, and neither does the author of the cunning pun, Femininity as Mas(s)querade*: A Feminist Approach to Mass Culture. Ha I'll bet you didn't even realize Faminism was popular culture, but didn't Betty Friedan make the Top 40 just last year? Oh, well it must be a masculine conspiracy!
Well, let us proceed back to the footnotes.

•Feminism stands as the vanguard, the first defense against the homogenization of society. It and it alone fight the good fight against the corrosive evil of supermarket tabloids.
•Even Marxism has learned that if it wishes too survive, we need feminism.
•But Marxism doesn't truely belive in Feminism.
•Hmm we already mentioned the importance of Feminism and Marxism, but something is missing.
•Ah yes a gay guy, because naturally gays represent the omnipresent womanly love inherent but DEEPLY hidden in the breathtakingly flawless philosophy of Trotskyism.
•Trosky! Now there's a pop culture icon. When's his CD coming out?

Um the rest of that chapter doesn't really mention Pop Culture at all, but if the Gay-Feminocommmunist Cabal of Evangelical Nightmare really exists, the rest of the chapter is probably its Satanic Scripture.

The next chapter seems to me to be boring and devoid of meaning, but I will point out that the last owner of the book must have been enthralled with it's prose; he highlighted every word.

Chapter Six: Deconstructionism.
•Pop Culture was created by some vast supreme power to permanently disenfranchise the proletariat.
Incidentally the best proof of G-d's existence can be found in the rants of Atheist Communists. They say the world is being run by an all-pervasive Bourgeois Conspiracy, with the goal of the utter destruction of the working class. Religious people call that omnipotent and omniscient force G-d. It's just a matter of perspective.
•Pop Culture is being shaped by this mysterious force.
•The working class only think they are watching a video of half-naked women, but really they are being softened to prevent the, otherwise inevitable, Communist Uprising, may it happen in our days.
•Pop Culture is constantly being manipulated, with yesterday's sex objects being forced aside to make way for today's sex objects.
•All the problems in the world come from the immoral influence of pop culture.
•Things are always in there balance. Every day there is a constant clash between the forces of justice and the evil influence of depraved Pop Culture.
•Hmm. Maybe conservative Christians and liberal Communists really do have common beliefs.
•Um, maybe we're being too extreme (You think!) We should probably backpedal just to be safe.
•Yeah let's muddle the issues a bit. If it's too clear, we won't be able to get tenure.

OK Last chapter.
•Pop Culture is he People's Culture. It symbolizes Liberty and Freedom.
•Or maybe not. Maybe it symbolizes continued oppression.
•At it's roots are the struggles and desires of the working class. But they have been twisted and transformed into junk.
•This isn't a very original chapter, is it?

So there you have it. Pop Culture through the eyes of non-science academics. Academics who need to go outside more. To Hawaii, say. Perhaps Aloha Springs. Just stting there relaxing. Under the shade of a coconut tree... Oh right, sorry. Join us tomorrow when we tell you how to study Pop Culture**.

*Ha Ha. Get it? Mass as in Mass Culture. But if you exclude the 's', you end up with masquerade? Ah those Cwazy Sociologists.
**Hint. It come out the back of a male ox. Oh and it's brown.

Monday, July 09, 2007


Imagine a coconut. Now imagine a second coconut. Now imagine a lady is beating you over the head with said coconuts. Well at the Aloha Springs Resort, you don't have to imagine because.... Whoah! Looks like I got a little carried away there. Because, today's post is not about getting hit on the head with coconuts, at least not physical coconuts. No today's post is about 1) pop-culture and 2) why Britney Spears deserves to get beaten with a coconut.

Actually the class hasn't started yet per se, but I did do the reading. The reading as 4 chapters in a book called, what else, Pop Culture. Four chapters of pompous, academic, ranting. Four chapters, spanning 41 pages. Luckily most of what they said was garbage, and the rest can be summarized in bullet point form.

• eC15 means Early 15th Century
• Likewise lC19 means late 19th Century
• By now, you can probably guess what mC17 means.
• If you want your readers to know what the hell you are talking about, it would be best to write "Early 15th Century." It takes only a little longer to type, and it is much clearer.
• At the very least define your acronyms, rather than forcing your readers to do guesswork.
• That goes double for l. and fw.
• Culture is a very old word stemming from a root meaning agriculture. It's facts like this that are useful in Trivial Pursuit.
• Eight bullet points, and we haven't even touched Pop Culture.
• Eventually in the eighteenth century, culture came to mean nourishment for the mind. Thus Opera can be considered Culture, as can Calculus, but the author, being "Liberal Artsy", does not mention Calculus.
But what does this have to do with Britney Spears and Coconuts? Well we have many more bullet points to cover.
• The word mass indicates plebeian or low base, mob, ignorant. It also indicates a fundamental property of matter, but we don't really care here.
• So here's the nub of our argument. If we prefix culture with mass, we vulgarize it. So instead of Opera, we get, well, Britney.
• Presumably Pop Culture is the same sort of thing.

You following? Good cause there are 3 more chapters to go. Interesting how much time you can spend on the blindingly obvious.

• Culture, as in the Shakespeare and the calculus, is appreciated by only a small number of people. Actually again the author only cares about art, music, and literature, but I'll give F.R Lewis the benefit of the doubt.
• Not only can only a few people appreciate the beauty of Shakespeare, but those precious few people can something or other. "For such capacity does not belong merely to an isolated aesthetic realm it implies responsiveness to theory as well as to art, to science [finally] and to philosophy in so far as these may affect the human situation and the nature of life." In other-words, understanding culture involves responding to external stimuli. It involves not being brain dead.
• Only those select few individuals make any meaningful contribution to society, and everyone else could die of Plague for all the author cares.
• The Author is of course of this minority.
• notElon disagrees with this author. I mean without the rest of the world, who would clean up all those bodies?
• Besides that, even if most people aren't intellectuals, they sill can contribute to Society in some way, assuming they are not brain dead.
• "It seems, then, not unnecessary, to restate the obvious."
• notElon has noticed.
• America does not possess this high culture, but is more "Democratic."
• I mean just look at that Mark Twain. So low-brow.
• And don't get me started on Dave Barry.
• Those darn Americans are even making the British less stuck-up.
• Even France won't hold out for long.
• Then Culture will be dead, and the world will be doomed. Doomed. Doomed to mediocrity.
• If it means getting rid of the Author, no loss.

Half way there. Gee, this is fun.

• "For about a century Western Culture has really been two cultures: the traditional kind — Let us call it "High Culture" —that is chronicled in the textbooks, and a mass culture for the market.
• Only for the last ONE HUNDRED YEARS? G-d where has this guy been?
• There were always two sets of academics those that sit around in monasteries having obscure discussions ie the Monks and those that popularize their knowledge ie the Minstrels.
• Lets see if we can get "The Monks and The Minstrels" into an academic journal.
• Many of those guy you enshrine as Pure Culture —Shakespeare for instance— were also popular entertainers, and they are actually the far more interesting category.
Oh sorry I got carried away for a second. Back to this guy's bullet points.
• "A work of High Culture is occasionally popular, though this is exceedingly rare.
• Gee, I wonder why.
• Soviet Russia is the King of Mass Culture, i.e propaganda and statues of Lenin.
• Everything in Soviet Russia is BIASED and appeals to the lowest common denominator.
• And the masses love it. They eat Pravda up. They sing the most tasteless base odes to Stalin with real fervor.
• What is wrong with these stupid Russians? Can't they see this is all garbage?
• Gresham's Law can be applied to culture, because I said so.
Gresham's Law states that bad currency drives the good out of circulation, as people are more eager to spend that which depreciates faster and they will hoard their more currency as they come across it.
• Gresham's "Law" of Culture: "Bad stuff drives out the good, since it is more easily understood and enjoyed.

Technically there is yet more material, but that is probably enough to stew on for now. Does Gresham's Law of Culture explain Britney Spears? Does it explain Coconuts? It is it not too late to go back to the Feudal System? Tune in when we replace the batteries, and once again shine the light of Cold Hard Facts upon the daemons of Popular Culture.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Post 100

Well actually it's post 101. Because, due to a Blogger error, for a short time Wednesday's post was 100. In America they even had post 100 fireworks in my honor. Though, for some strange reason Britain's celebrations in my honour are scheduled for November 5. Beats me why.

Anyway, next week I have to take two Humanities Classes, to fill my "Electives." Quite honestly, I would rather elect to take Physics or History, but I'm stuck with Humanities. Why do you care? Well a while back I wrote a guest post on another blog, showing my alleged schedule.

At that time, some people expressed interest that I actually take those classes (All the ones but the top 2). That way, I could then blog about those said classes, and everybody could have a good time. Alas for Humanity, feeling that this would involve me spending extra money to have a bad time, I declined and later registered for better classes.

However, all is not lost. I now have to take Humanities classes. I will bring this laptop to class, and appear to take careful notes. And I will... sort of. What I really will be doing is recording the Cold Hard Facts, so that we can all enjoy the Professor's wisdom. Then, when the test comes, I can reread my own blog, reflect on all that I have learned, and get a good grade. Meanwhile you can all follow along with the curriculum and comment on the interconnectedness between Humanities, trash cans, and low paying jobs.

There is just one snag. Security. Anything written on a blog could be read by any computer user. And if I actually write about things that are "not" true, someone could potentially get offended, and I could potentially get harmed. As long as I am writing about Humanities, most people won't care one way or the other. Jeering at humanities won't offend anyone who I wouldn't offend in about 15 seconds anyway. But there is ONE person who does matter. If the professor of those classes happens to read this, I could get in serious trouble. It probably is not illegal to blog about coursework, but it might reflect badly in "Class Participation." Now odds are the professor will not read the blog just because it is mine. I seriously doubt a humanities professor would enjoy my style of writing. He might stumble on it by accident, and we must therefore take precautions. At this point, if he googles my name, we're dead. I can't do anything about that. But we can at least ensure that if he googles his own name or the name of the class, this blog will NOT show up in the search results. I won't mention the professor nor will I mention the classes the way they appear in the course catalog. People commenting should do the same. That way, as long as he doesn't google "Ghost of Jamesburg", we're good to go.

So tune in next Monday for the first dose of the Studies of American Popular Culture and Religion.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't. Well now, come to think of it...

Everybody hates going to the dentist, what with the drill and the root canals and the painful shots. Plus the fact that someone has to stick both hands and an assorted array of tools into your mouth. Nothing could be more painful, except maybe dipping your left hand in hot, boiling, wax. Well now thanks to the ingenious Spa industry and ingenuous dental patients, you can have a root canal, while simultaneously having hot wax applied to your hand. Ahh relaxing. Oh G-d. Ow Ow Ow. Relaaaaxing.

But apparently not only do dentists get to perform more of the torture they love so much, it is also good for business, and supposedly makes patients happy. According to one, possibly a masochist, ""It's wonderful. I would recommend it to anyone because it's so relaxing."

Relaxing, huh? Well maybe I was wrong about these spas. Maybe eyebrow waxes and chemical baths are "relaxing", at least to some people. But why have the spa in the dentist? Wouldn't a better medical facility, a better host for the a spa, be one where the only clientele are women? Specifically hormonally crazed women, who are going through a stressful time, and are worried that they are no longer in the shape they once were. There could be a fortune in a career like that. Ah. It appears someone has beaten me to the punch*. Darn! Ah well. Maybe next time.

*With apologies to every woman but the ones who started the stereotype. Actually on second thought, with apologies to them too. Don't kill me.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Friday's post

Friday's post will be produced, right on schedule, some time tomorrow.

We would also like to thank the five people who commented. As for the 65 lurkers who did not comment, we know where you live, though admittedly, not who you are. We urge you all to come out of the closet and post. You'll see. It'll probably be cathartic or something.

Acupuncture. (Hey we haven't used that label in a while.)

Monday, June 11, 2007

Who even reads this blog?

I can guess, but I really have no idea, and your insightful comments are not so much help. Post 100 is coming up, why don't you drop by and say hi.

And we still have no winners for any of our contests.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Ghosts Part IV - Stalin

Many, many people object to my having Stalin as an avatar. They claim it is poor taste, and they wonder what sick, demented reason I could have for using such a guy. Of course, in truth the picture is not Stalin at all. In a freak coincidence, Joseph Stalin and I just happen to look identical and have the same taste in dress. But if that is not enough to convince people they should stop whining, maybe this will be. New evidence shows that Stalin was really not the most evil man of the last century. In fact, some historians now claim that he was actually a pretty nice guy, and that the Gulags were all hype. Here to answer these charges is the man himself, Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

Cold Hard Facts: You are the same Joseph Stalin, premier of the USSR, who died on March 5, 1953?
Joseph Stalin: I am.
CHF: Good. I was worried we got an impostor.
CHF: How do you feel about not being the most evil, most hated, most despicable man of the last century?
JS: Blast, it's that Adolf dude isn't it? I always knew it would be close, but I thought I might just pull ahead.
CHF: Uh no, I didn't mean that you came in second place. I meant how do you feel about the changes in your legacy.
JS: Changes?
CHF: For example, did you know that if you were to run in an election today, a sizable minority of Russians would vote for you.
JS: Only a minority! Give me a sec. Beria get in here! You've got some work to do.
CHF: No I meant out of their own free will, in a secret election even if you didn't threaten to kill them.
JS: Oh. Well those people are crazy!
CHF: But there is no denying your popularity. Look at this encyclopedia article. I mean sure you were a dictator, but look how great you made Russia.
JS: That article is more biased than Pravda! Surely you don't believe that nonsense.
CHF: But look what they say about your foreign policy! You brought the glories of communism to millions of people across Europe. Think of how happy then must have been.
JS: Oh yeah. They were dancing in the street, or else...
CHF: Fine so maybe you were a little harsh, but you were the great, Fearless Leader, who won World War II. You single-handedly defeated fascism.
JS: Yeah after I sold Half of Eastern Europe to it, then purged the army and got caught in a surprise attack that killed millions of Russians, but eventually yes.
CHF: But don't the ends justify means?
JS: I think so, but I'm a heartless dictator. Normally they don't.
CHF: What about this offhand reference to Ukraine. "The economy-based cabal blames him for the 1932-1933 famine in the Ukraine, which is analogous to blaming Queen Victoria for the Irish potato famine of 1845-1849." That's fair, right.
JS: Considering Queen Victoria forced starving Ireland to export most of its food to England, yeah it's fair. I mean I only did the same thing in Ukraine. I don't like Ukrainians. Why do they need food anyway? May as well not give it to them.
CHF: Fine so you were brutal, so you deported and imprisoned innocent men...
JS: GUILTY men. Once I deport them, they're guilty, even if they're innocent.
CHF: Right. Anyway, so you killed millions of people in cold blood. You did all those terrible things. But look, you wrote beautiful poetry. Doesn't that make you a good person deserving of admiration.
JS: Well look at Hitler. Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats! But no one worships Hitler, do they?
CHF: Well actually...

So that's it for today. Tune in next week when we revise the history of Pol Pot. I bet you didn't know he was a world class Ballet Dancer.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sorry About That

We apologize for three spa related posts in a row. We hope no feelings were injured. Hopefully non-spa related posting can resume tomorrow when I return to the right state of my mind.

The Horror!!! The Horror

Well it had to happen sometime. The spa epidemic has successfully jumped the species barrier to dog, cat, budgie, and possibly even goldfish. That's right. Spas are no longer for humans only. Now a new service, which appears to have been spawned in an unholy union of spa and bookmobile, will pamper your pets with a "luxurious hydrosurge therapeutic bath". Worse the "Spamobile" was started by the head of K-Mart, and rumor has it that its Blue-Light Specials are irresistible. In an attempt to find out why pets are being seduced by such a fiendish beast, we took to the streets. The results are not pleasant.

So Rex, what attracted you to this abomination. Was it the service or the Hydrosurge™?


Snowball as a cat, shouldn't you know better to be seduced by such a travesty?


Goldie, surely a smart, sensible fish like you would know better than this! Goldie? Goldie? Hello? Is there any life in this tank? Well FINE! Don't answer!

Apparently the whole plague can be laid at the feet of certain individuals: Stupid Pet Owners. I mean COME ON People! Why in heck do you think your cat even wants that manicure? Do you honestly think your dog needs that $500 aromatherapy? Do you have nothing better to do with your money than blow it on a STINKIN' GOLDFISH! You people make me sick!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Oh No! When will it end?

Just when I thought there might be a hint of good news on the spa front, I saw this. Yes the horrible spa industry has come out with a new form of torture, one worthy of the, now infamous, Guantanamo Bay Resort, Permanent make-up. Yes ladies, the Spa Cabal knows how obsessed you are with applying lipstick, rouge, and mascara, and, in its own sick, demented, way, it want to help. For a fee, the "Spa Renew," in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin will "delicately tattoo" blush to "to their facial area where they [women or possibly even men too!] normally wear make-up." And for extra, they will even permanently dye your lips a more vibrant shade of red. They will even anesthetize you, so you feel almost no pain. Afterwards you can have a "chemical peel", which they promise will be loads of fun.

Girls, I beg you, for your own good, do not buy their outrageous lies. I don't care how difficult it is to apply lipstick. I don't care how appealing chemical peels sound. You must stand firm. We will not not sit idly by, while people inject us with strange poisons and call it relaxing. We will not allow these bastards to drown our sorrows in soothing goo. We will stand firm. We will... Hey wait! Where are you going? Get away from those telephones. I'm serious here!

We Salute You!

The Cold Hard Facts salutes the brave makers of the documentary Severance. While I have not actually seen this, I am told it is a real-life, behind-the-scenes look at a typical spa. Kudos to you producers. Perhaps once people realize that spas are actually inhabited by depraved serial killers, they will think twice about visiting one, and the Tides of War will finally turn. Information is our strongest weapon. Spread the word.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Anti-Racist Math

Welcome. It's time for another Cold Hard look at the important issues facing our youngsters. Today's pressing debate topic is Anti-Racist Math, New Paradigm Or Just Plain Silly. We argue — you decide. Behold the Cold Hard Facts. Here to discuss Anti-Racist Math with us, is special guest Deborah Hanover, straight from the Boston University English Department.

Cold Hard Facts: Let's start by defining what is anti-racist math.
Deborah Hanover: Anti-Racist Math attempt to rid the fields of mathematics of the cultural baggage of its white, objective, male chauvinist, heritage, and thereby make knowledge more neutral and inviting for all cultures.
CHF: Yes, but what exactly is it?
DH: Anti-Racist Math attempt to rid the fields of mathematics of the cultural baggage of its white, objective, male chauvinist, heritage, and thereby make knowledge more neutral and inviting for all cultures.
CHF: Um ok. Let me rephrase this. In your view, the current method of teaching arithmetic is racist, correct? How would you correct this?
DH: Well we would have to actively make it our first priority to eliminate the systemic bias towards the objective teaching, and teach in a more intuitive, more ethnocentric style.
CHF: Could you give me a specific example? Your meaningless jargon is starting to get on my nerves.
DH: That is because you are a member of the aggressive white, chauvinist, male hiearchy, and you lack the compassion to understand the issue. Plus you are clearly a racist.
CHF: Uh, thanks I think. Why don't I give you a math problem, and you tell me exactly what to change?
DH: Sure. Go ahead. But don't get upset when your social order comes crashing down on you.
Bill has 3 apples. If Bill takes away 2 of them, how many apples are left?

CHF: That seems like a simple enough subtraction problem that any 2nd grader can do. Where's the bias?
DH: Are you blind?! First of all, "Bill" is a white, male, name, sending the signal that women and African-Americans will never be able to "take away" apples. Second "take away" is a hurtful term that implies the forceful grasping of something against its will, symbolically hinting at male dominance and slavery. Thirdly, apples, being a staple of the Western World, are hardly a multicultural fruit, thus sending the signal of white bias for all to see.
CHF: I don't see that at all. That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard of. Is this a Joke?
DH: A joke?! *Do you dispute that there are large inequalities within the performance of students. Now, arguably, someone out there feels that these inequalities are not inherent in students (say, when students of the same or similar intelligence levels often end up under-performing mathematically when they come from a particular background). Can you dare argue with the fact that there is a distinct lack in both the opportunity to undertake and the actual undertaking of STANDARDISED MATHEMATICAL TESTS AND EXAMINATIONS SO THAT STUDENTS MAY DISPLAY THEIR ABILITIES IN AN UNBIASED WAY. If it is the case that, for example, in American and UK universities, there is a distinct lack of a standardised method of examining and testing mathematicians (assuming, of course, that mathematicians should be held as being professionals who can be tested in such ways), then this idea is not a laughing stock, but refers to real concerns that can be objectively verified. Your off-handed debunking of Anti-racist science is probably worth a further re-think, especially given historical scientific racism. The point I suppose here is that your criticism is not justified. Why don't you just join the Ku Klux Clan right now, you bigot?
CHF: So you think the most likely reason that some ethnic groups have bad grades, is that test questions, like "1x3 = ?" or x2 + 6x + 5 = 0; find x" are inherently biased? They're math test question for crying out loud! They are completely straightforward! How could they possibly be biased?!
DH: All tests are inherently biased. All knowledge is inherently biased. Everything is a social construct.
CHF: So what do you want to do? Forget the math and give everyone As?
DH: Well, we also have to teach the students a lot of "multi-cultural" garbage as well, but basically yes.
CHF: Have you ever heard the expression, "At 30,000 feet, I want the designer to be an expert in Racist Math"?
DH: Yes it clearly shows society's bias against my work. Why do you always mock my ideas?
CHF: Because your ideas are BS. Now GET OUT! You are driving me insane.
DH: Fine I will. But, first let me respond** to the your clearly mistaken (clearly mistaken) banterings. It is interesting, however, that a scientist should complain about “fancy [verbal] footwork” when responding to criticism of racism in mathematics (as a symptom of an inherently racist society – for example, the US or the UK). But, when given even more opportunities to do so, does not complain about the self-same (and, may I add, even more blatant) verbal footwork in the mathematical publications that he/she is all to happy to use as a convenient excuse for their over inflated pay-packets. May I advise that, when someone tells you the truth, you think before you criticise it? Or would a white mathematician be all to happy to say that mathematics (and truth with it) are white? Certainly this is something that the white race is all too happy to do in newspapers and the media - if not society in general.
CHF: Ah, Forget it! FORGET IT. Just LEAVE ME ALONE. Why did I ever invite a raving loony like you to the blog? What in heck was I thinking?

Well she really convinced me. Anti-racist math is a truly good idea, and we should all lobby our government representatives to bring this truly innovative, wholesome curriculum into our schools. Let us expunge the racist blot from our lives and remove the yolk of bias from our children.Let us strive to follow in the footsteps of the enlightened Ms. Hanover. Only then, will the world be a better place. I think I'm going to be sick.

*This entire argument was lifted from a wikipedia talk page. due to its extreme lack of sense, downright silliness, and many non-sequitors. Hey it's under the GPL.
*CF the same. That guy is a true idiot.


Sorry about the lack of posting. I thought it would be easier to write posts now that I have free time. But in fact, I have found that the more important the stuff I should be doing is, the more time I have to work on the blog. But at last, a new post (or even several) is in the works.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Today's Post

It's gonna be totally awesome, except I haven't quite written it yet. Stay Tuned!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Post now? Nope I already did.

Sorry there will be no new post today, Aww. But that's because I already posted yesterday. Yes I am now a syndicated Blogger. Yay Only it's a one time thing, and I didn't get paid. Aww, You can find it here, and as a bonus, it's two posts in one. Yay!

Of course, being that I posted it there, it's not really Elonstruths, but hey, you read what you can get.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Book Deal?

Recently I was talking to one of my friends, and he mentioned he was shocked that I hadn't capitalized on the blog's runaway popularity, in order to make millions off a crummy book that I can trick you all into reading. Oddly enough, the though never occurred to me, but a Cold Hard Facts book, or even better a series of books, does seem like the next logical step.

There's just one small problem. All the bloggers who capitalized their success, primarily had blogs about two things: Sex and Politics. As I told my friend, there just not that big a market among the weirdo and the math-obsessed. But he observed that's why I'm the perfect person to write one, because I am full of both sex and politics. We could combine both into one book, and have ourselves a best-seller.

He was right of course. I mean everybody knows, Edgar Greenberg the life of every party, both political and drinking. Every night I go off to the bar with my friends to discuss the latest hot issue, and every morning I wake up in a dumpster with no memory, but confident that I must have torn up the place. The longer, the louder, the better, that's my motto on parties. I drink so much, I have cirrhosis at 20.Don't you want to read about how I'm wasting my life, Houghton-Mifflen? And of course my reputation with the ladies speaks for itself.* Rumor has it, that I once had 20 girls fling themselves at me in one night*. Nope, I'm certainly not a boring, straight-laced, moral, upright kind of guy. Not at all.

So yeah, I think my book would be perfect. Now all I have to do is find a publisher. I was thinking Scholastic. I mean The Cold Hard Facts on Girls and Graft: My Life: Part One would be the perfect addition to that spam you send out to fifth graders. It would certainly make a name for itself with the teachers.

*It says loser, but it speaks loud and clear. Oh and Random House, just uh ignore these footnotes. They're uh none of your business.
*Well rumor has it now, anyway.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Don't forget to vote tomorrow!

Just a reminder. The all important Edwardsville School Board Elections are tomorrow. The Cold Hard Facts previously hosted a debate between two of the candidates, and if you live in Edwardsville, IL, we urge to carefully read through the whole thing, and then go vote. The election is obviously very close and very important. And judging by the recent spike in hits and controversy engendered by that debate, many of your fellow Edwardsvillians are morons who don't know the meaning of the word humor, and you don''t want them selecting the school board, do you?

If you don't live in Edwardsville, there's still time to grab your rifle and your bible, march down there, and make Edwardsville bleed. We'll take their school board by force if we have to.

Either way, Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party, even in Edwardsville where parties officially don't exist. They just don't know the meaning of fun there. It's up to you to show them how to have a good time.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Which is more important — blogging or studying?

Clearly blogging. Otherwise, why would I bother writing this post?

Sunday, April 08, 2007


Another day, another contest. And guess which blog didn't win. That's right this one. I was robbed. The Seattle Post Intelligencer* crowned some blog called Careerandkids their featured blog. Apparently they were impressed by it's cheap, gimmicky headlines like "Taking Kids on Business Trips," and The Secret to Successful Work Life Balance." Oh and Careerandkids is written by a "Real working parent, Busy Mom, not a journalist who is also a dad." Whoop-de-doo. It's still way worse than Cold Hard Facts and the Post Intelligencer knows it.

I know what you are going to tell me. "Calm down. Maybe Careerandkids really did deserve to win." Well it's not going to work. We have been aiming for that award for the last two weeks straight. We spent ages working up to this moment. Our hour of triumph was at hand. And then fate cruelly snatched the prize from our grasp.

Working Dad you are making a huge mistake. This blog is Chock-full of "Childcare tips". Perhaps you forgot we gave you that exclusive scoop on how to get the best babysitters for the money. And maybe you didn't notice, but only the Cold Hard Facts contains step by step instructions on changing a diaper while driving down the freeway at 90 mph. Perhaps you didn't notice our special segment, "Tele-housework, the wave of the Future." That post alone could revolutionize homemaking and forever change the pardigm of Working Moms. And last but not least we saved countless mothers time and money by teaching them a better way to fold laundry. Careerandkids never did any of that.

And hey, maybe I'm not a mom, and Maybe I don't have kids, and maybe I don't even work, maybe I'm not even a girl, but to deny me the prize is discrimination. What makes you think a mom knows more about childcare than a single man? Isn't that just prejudice? In fact in this enlightened society, shouldn't you specifically choose the poor bum over the experienced mom? Wouldn't that really illustrate the meaning of joint child-rearing? Think about it.

Mr. Working Dad, I urge you to reconsider. Look deep inside yourself, and ask who really deserves that reward. And then disregard that person and give it to me. It's only just.

*Slightly off topic, but what kind of name is the Post Intelligencer? I wonder if there is a Pre Intelligencer too. Perhaps that is Tacoma's Paper. And what in heck does Intelligencer mean anyway?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Public Service Announcement

Please be advised when applying solutions of Sodium hypochlorite to surfaces previously bathed in solutions of Ammonia. The resulting chloramine manufacture is somewhat undesirable.

In completely unrelated news, Pesach Cleaning is coming along nicely.

Also we still have absolutely no entries in our contest. Be sure to send in those emails.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Reason #28 for Choosing the Hard Sciences

We get better junkmail.

Look, it even has testimonials!

Feel free to prove your junkmail is cooler than mine in the THIRD Cold Hard Facts Contest. Owner of the best junkmail gets to write a blog post.

But, please gynocologists don't even bother sending in your junkmail. I do have some standards.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Face it You Lost

Recently there has been much uproar in Florida about an art exhibit of the Confederate Naval Emblem on a gallows, symbolizing lynching. The Sons of Confederate Veterans are outraged by the display, and are plotting to have it removed. And, the law is on their side, at least technically. In Florida, even though it is perfectly legal and constitutionally protected to burn, stomp on, graffiti, or otherwise desecrate the True Flag of the Country, if I lived in Florida, I would be breaking the law, as it is apparently illegal even to "cast contempt upon
the Confederate flag "by word or by act". Clearly this law is unconstitutional, and there is no way any court would send, artist, John Sims to jail, but the question remains why is the darn flag held in such high regard?

The Confederate flag is not the only Confederate relic some Southerners hold in high regard. Southern Generals are revered, to the point that the name Lee Jackson Smith, sounds almost normal. All across the South, Confederate History Month is officially proclaimed every April*. And Southerners insist on showing their love for the Confederacy in food and song**. Those brave Confederates and their great sacrifice to forge a new nation are honored above all else.

Well Southies, this may trouble you, but you didn't win the "War of Northern Aggression". No, you, what's the word I'm looking for, right LOST. You were defeated. Vanquished. Routed. Conquered. Put down. Crushed. Beaten. Slaughtered. So you really have nothing to feel proud about. You rebelled against your sovereign nation, over slavery ***, which you all say you hate, seized every US fort, took up arms against your own people, started a major war and you lost. You didn't even go down that bravely. So you have nothing to be proud of. NOTHING! You all are just a bunch of sore losers.

Furthermore, you people are such cowards that you won't admit you went to war for a stupid reason and lost. No, you make up excuses. It wasn't about slavery, you say. Either 2/3 or 70% or 90% or a whopping 98% of confederates didn't even own slaves. And that doesn't even include all the slaves who didn't own slaves.**** It's about States' Rights. And you really didn't want to start a war. The north forced you to fire on Fort Sumner. Or better yet, the North fired on their own fort, forcing, I suppose, PGT Beauregard, to try and defend it. All you're doing is honoring the brave soldiers, your proud forbearers, who took up arms to defend their homelands from a foreign invader. And you will honor their treason erm bravery for ever and ever. Oh, and all them Blacks can honor their ancestors in the Confederacy too. They just don't for some reason. Instead, of acknowledging the truth, and taking responsibility, you deny the meaning of the war, and you pretend the Confederacy and its flag has nothing to do with racism. For over 100 years, you have upheld myth of the Fallen South, instead of owning up to your problems. And, you have the gall to accuse us of "Racism" and "Offensiveness", whenever someone dares say you're wrong. I fail to see how that attitude is brave or rebellious in any way.

Well, in many other countries, waving the flag of a rebellion, would get you accused of treason and thrown in jail. In no other country, do governors, senators, army officers, and judges fly the flag of rebellion. Nowhere else do people venerate traitors and name forts and cities after them. Nowhere else, do states annually pass proclamations honoring thee contributions of said traitors. That is done only here. You of all peoples should be grateful you live in the United States, where we let you get away with this kind of behavior.

*Actually that a bad example, and not at all the Cold Hard Facts, because the Texas Senate has a reputation for passing any proclamation, no matter how stupid. But other states passed similar documents.
**Fine here
*** Ok fine, tariffs too. But, who starts a bloody war with hundreds of thousands of deaths over tariffs?
**** Of course every Southern Political Leader owned slaves, and nearly every man who could vote owned slaves, and most of the Confederate Officers owned slaves, and slavery was the only issue discussed leading up to the Civil War, but slavery had nothing to do with it. If most of the Confederates simply went along with their leaders, and did not believe their cause was just, how exactly did they "join the Confederate armed forces to defend their homes, their families, and their proud heritage as Southerners." If they had not blindly followed the slave-owners, their homes and families wouldn't be attacked.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Post Soon

Busy now. No time for Cold Hard Facts.

Monday, March 05, 2007

How many words for snow do you know?

Recently the Rutgers University Student Association drafted a new constitution. Fine, Good, Who Cares? Well normally nobody, but this is Rutgers, and so, naturally, such things are complicated affairs. Instead of just electing a college-wide body of representatives, under the new constitution we elect at least ten, one body for each of the four schools, which supposedly don't exist anymore, one body for Busch Campus which never was a school, but hey it can have a government too, one body each for the Business, Pharmacy, and Engineering Schools, cause G-d Forbid their members vote in one of the five other elections, and in addition, there is a provision in the constitution granting additional reps for cultural councils. Although the cultural councils are not specified in the 10 out 16 pages of the constitution dealing with voting procedure, there is a vague understanding that these cultural councils are specifically for Black and or Asian students. The result of this bureaucracy, is that I get only one vote, a vote for the Livingston Governing Board, and even though I am involved in both Chemistry and Judaism, those interests are not deemed important enough to give me votes. But a Chinese Engineer, or a Black Business student will get three, because they have three different interests on the board. While my engineering friends are overjoyed, I can't help but feel that I am getting gypped.

And so, after considering various options (Should the Chemistry Department secede, and form its own school. Should we blaackmail President McCormick into giving Jews two or three extra votes?), I decided that the best option would be to create a new cultural board, a board we can all be part of. And so with apologies to Inuit and Yupik, the Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council was born. First I get a large group of people with similar interests to mine. Next, we band together in the Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council, and pledge to vote as a block. Last, we get Eskimos recognized as a majority needing extra protection, and BANG, we all get extra votes. Sounds like a plan, right.

I already came up with some catchy slogans. Take a look.

"We use every part of the Walrus bu..." "Every part" "Yes, even that part, but we still only get one vote."

"It rankles my igloo."

"If we have to gulp down raw whale blubber, at least we should get fair representation"

So go ahead join the The Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council— A Cynical Ploy to Garner an Extra Vote for the Rutgers Student Government, and make a positive impact on society. Only with your help, can we all cheat the system!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Hey you wana buy a friend?

Some people are born popular. Others are not so lucky. Some people are just the antithesis of popular and that's just the way life is. Judging by the fact you bother reading my blog, you yourself are one of those pathetic wretches.

In olden days, this was not so problematic. Sure you had no friends, and you were beaten and teased, and you couldn't get a date, and you became a poor, lonely, broken shell of a man. But at least no one knew about it. Now, if you get a Myspace or Facebook account and only make 500 or so friends, and those friends are all hideously ugly, the whole world will know. There is no way around it. If you don't have a Facebook account, you are a hopeless loser, and if you do, everyone knows you are a hopeless loser. You're simply doomed to be a global laughingstock.

But at last there is an answer. According to the New York Times, it is now possible to buy a friend. Well a picture of a friend anyway. Yesm you heard right. For just 99 cents a month, you can have a picture of a hot model in your friends list, and she'll even proclaim her love for you twice a week. And for each 99 cent you pay, she'll proclaim her love an additional two times. Or if you prefer, you can have a hot guy proclaim his love for you twice a week. Who needs a real girlfriend, when, for just 84 bucks, you can have an imaginary person write you a mush note every hour? I mean isn't that awesome? Someone you don't know, who you never will know, and who doesn't even realize her picture is being abused in this fashion, is now pretending to be your girlfriend. You are still a loser, but now no one will ever know. Hey it worked for Lindsay from San Diego. It can work for you too.

So go ahead sign up today. And write in and tell me how it went. I won't make fun of you or anything...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Help a poor guy in need

With Valentine's day rolling around, my thoughts turned to this guy and his poor plea for help.

(click to expand)

If you or someone you know is a hot white girl who is not taken by an Asian or Black, who doesn't mind dating a loser and idiot, and who is not a evil racist Jewish person, please contact That's and send him a valentine asap. The Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you.

And if you are rich businessman from Nigeria who needs $1000 to smuggle his vast fortune from Nigeria, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you too.

And if you need to send ten copies of an email out, or suffer a powerful curse, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl is all ears.

And if you are selling drugs for old losers with sorry lives, what's a better place to make a pitch than the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl.

So that's Call now. Remember anyone can be a racist, but there can be only one, and he needs your help.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Living on Hot Air

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. For example did you know there are actually people who believe eating is bad for you It's true! According to the frequently Asked Questions on their website, "Q:But if I stop eating I'll die!" A:Not True! This is the biggest lie in history! It is not food that keeps you alive, but your WILL. In fact, it is food or eating(your DIEt) that is killing you!We wonder why we age, or get sick, or smell bad, and finally die; this the DIRECT RESULT of eating! Eating is a destructive act. To eat you must kill or destroy something and we all know what the penalty for killing is. Because we have built up resistance, we don't die right away but slowly, and we call this aging!" Apparently, if you don't eat you can live forever. Really, it's the Cold Hard Fact

I know what you are thinking. You think no one on Earth could possibly live without food or water. Just one glance at a starving child in Africa, or an emaciated Jew after Yom Kippur, seems to illustrate the importance of food and water. And you would be right. No one on Earth could possibly live without food or water.

But breatharians clearly don't come from Earth I mean come on! Did you really think anyone on earth could be so stupid? No, these people come from the transdimensional Earth Prime.See in addition to Old Earth, where all normal people live, there is also Middle Earth, or Transition Earth, containing all matter of wondrous creatures, like this dwarf, but even they are still slaves to their stomachs.

To be free of eating we must go beyond Middle Earth, to a whole new plane of existence, the glorious square root of negative world of Earth Prime. Earth Prime looks exactly like Earth, except that on Earth Prime it is impossible to think rationally and coherently or take a shower. In fact if a Earth Primer even attempts to do either, an anti-time eruption occurs, and he is sucked away for ever. In the words of someone who is, alas all too obviously stuck on Earth prime, we can think of Earth Prime as the "5 dimentional" "original new age" Earth, an "Ethereal" home of the "Star-Colonists" far from the "Lab". Earth Prime also has probability coordinates in 3 dimensional space-time, somewhere in the vicinity of California.

Due to the somewhat unique laws of physics on Earth Prime, those living there often find they do not need to eat, and that they can survive on unused brain tissue alone. As long as they stay in the nether-land of Earth Prime, eating and drinking are unnecessary. Of course when they want to visit Earth, they do what the Earthlings do, but this appearance of eating should not be held against them, as they don't actually get any nutrition from their stops on Earth. It's just, you know, habit.

So how can I visit this glorious world of Earth Prime, you ask. Well G-d know why you would want to, but if you really do, you can travel to Utah, and take a seminar for the ridiculously low introductory price of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS or more. It may sound steep and exorbitant, but think of all the money you save on food, and money has no value to Earth Primers anyway.

Alternatively, if you have have a "basic grasp of quantum physics," you can gradually wean yourself off food and ascend to the higher plane. I suppose that means I can do it, if I really wanted to, but I think I'll take my chances with food. You guys can try it though. If any of you are alive after a month, tell me how it went.

Monday, February 12, 2007

New Post in the works.

A new post will come out some time tomorrow, but the topic is so incredibly weird, I need more time to research it.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Losing the war on Spas

Last month, we reported on the unfortunate growing epidemic of paying to bathe in strange liquids. Now we return to the deadly spa, as we look at incoming reports of even more horrific torture selling for ever more exorbitant prices. The outrage has gotten so bad it calls for an emergency blog post, and marks the inauguration of a new label.

First on our hit list is the thumb massage. Apparently geared towards people addicted to cell phone texting, who can't pay for a full spa treatment, this new service consists of "Thumb Massages," and application of "Light emitting diodes" and Polarized current" to the thumb, ear and, mouth. Normally I am a big fan of LEDs, but using them to rip off stupid women is just sick.

If the thumb massages are not enough to make you cower, just listen to this next spa treatment: Flesh Eating Fish. Yes, that's right. In this treatment a woman sticks her feet into water containing actual fish which are actually encouraged to eat the dead skin offf her toes, so that she looks marginally better in sandals. After that she can pay an additional fee to shave off her eyebrows and replace them with prosthetics. Crazy aain't it. But here's the worst part. Women aren't the only people interested in these treatments. Men too are letting fish eat their flesh. Men also are going for the prosthetic eyebrows. And here's the worst bit, now there are even men who will actually pay to have hot wax poured in an area I won't mention, but suffice to say the procedure sounds incredibly painful. I had hooped that at least men would have more sense than that, but I was wrong. This spa epidemic is too far out of control.

But that's not the worst bit. No the item that made me create this emergency blog post come from the Holy Land A spa is now charging 300 shkalim for the privilege of allowing real live snakes to crawl up and down all over your naked body. Apparently this is supposed to be relaxing. RELAXING? What in the world is less relaxing than having a live snake crawl all over you. I'll tell you what! The thought that I wasted 300 shekalim to have that snake crawl all over me.

The spas have pushed the forces of reason back far enough. We can no longer afford to retreat against this imminent threat. It's time we take a stand. We must fight back, and yes die if we have to. It is the only way we can save society. We must fight back for the sake of the Cold Hard Facts.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Take This Plane Straight to...

A man unsuccessfully tried to hijack a plane with lip balm and an asthma inhaler last Tuesday. Shouting "Take this plane straight to Johannesburg!", he banged on the cockpit door, and threatened to light his lip balm on fire and blow up the plane with the inhaler. The plane continued to Johannesburg, South Africa on schedule, and passengers were rescued in in time to make their connecting flights.

Passengers are severely traumatized, and are suing Air Botswana for Near Endangerment and Emotional Trauma. "My clients will never be able to look at an inhaler again, without laughing hysterically," their lawyer stated. "Besides, what if he had jabbed the balm down someone's throat. They would have choked to death. This was a serious breach of security." Air Botswana was unavailible for comment.

It is believed that the suspect is a member of Al Qaeda. However, in a tape aired on Al Jezeera, Osama bin Laden denied this allegation. "Let the infidels know, that while I hire stupid people, I don't hire peeople that stupid. I am not hiding out in a cave for nothing", bin Laden bellowed.

A copycat hijack attempt was also foiled, when the perpetrator was forced to leave his liquid-containing squirt gun with security before boarding.

President Bush has declared this another victory in the war on terror. "Uh our guys are uh they're doin' a good job. And uh, we gotta keep the good work. We gotta keep making America safe from lip balm and squirt guns" Bush proudly told reporters.

The terror alert level briefly went up to "Fire Engine Red," but it has since been lowered to"Cranberry." In wake of a recent terrorist threat, which the government will not say is actually real, the level was again raised to "Outrageous Orange," last night.