Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Living on Hot Air

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. For example did you know there are actually people who believe eating is bad for you It's true! According to the frequently Asked Questions on their website, "Q:But if I stop eating I'll die!" A:Not True! This is the biggest lie in history! It is not food that keeps you alive, but your WILL. In fact, it is food or eating(your DIEt) that is killing you!We wonder why we age, or get sick, or smell bad, and finally die; this the DIRECT RESULT of eating! Eating is a destructive act. To eat you must kill or destroy something and we all know what the penalty for killing is. Because we have built up resistance, we don't die right away but slowly, and we call this aging!" Apparently, if you don't eat you can live forever. Really, it's the Cold Hard Fact

I know what you are thinking. You think no one on Earth could possibly live without food or water. Just one glance at a starving child in Africa, or an emaciated Jew after Yom Kippur, seems to illustrate the importance of food and water. And you would be right. No one on Earth could possibly live without food or water.

But breatharians clearly don't come from Earth I mean come on! Did you really think anyone on earth could be so stupid? No, these people come from the transdimensional Earth Prime.See in addition to Old Earth, where all normal people live, there is also Middle Earth, or Transition Earth, containing all matter of wondrous creatures, like this dwarf, but even they are still slaves to their stomachs.

To be free of eating we must go beyond Middle Earth, to a whole new plane of existence, the glorious square root of negative world of Earth Prime. Earth Prime looks exactly like Earth, except that on Earth Prime it is impossible to think rationally and coherently or take a shower. In fact if a Earth Primer even attempts to do either, an anti-time eruption occurs, and he is sucked away for ever. In the words of someone who is, alas all too obviously stuck on Earth prime, we can think of Earth Prime as the "5 dimentional" "original new age" Earth, an "Ethereal" home of the "Star-Colonists" far from the "Lab". Earth Prime also has probability coordinates in 3 dimensional space-time, somewhere in the vicinity of California.

Due to the somewhat unique laws of physics on Earth Prime, those living there often find they do not need to eat, and that they can survive on unused brain tissue alone. As long as they stay in the nether-land of Earth Prime, eating and drinking are unnecessary. Of course when they want to visit Earth, they do what the Earthlings do, but this appearance of eating should not be held against them, as they don't actually get any nutrition from their stops on Earth. It's just, you know, habit.

So how can I visit this glorious world of Earth Prime, you ask. Well G-d know why you would want to, but if you really do, you can travel to Utah, and take a seminar for the ridiculously low introductory price of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS or more. It may sound steep and exorbitant, but think of all the money you save on food, and money has no value to Earth Primers anyway.

Alternatively, if you have have a "basic grasp of quantum physics," you can gradually wean yourself off food and ascend to the higher plane. I suppose that means I can do it, if I really wanted to, but I think I'll take my chances with food. You guys can try it though. If any of you are alive after a month, tell me how it went.

1 comment:

Eli said...

Yeeks! And I thought Scientology was ridiculous...