Monday, February 27, 2006

Currents Of Death - MUH HAH HAH HA!

Even though electricity can't directly kill people, it is responsible for billions of cases of cancer every year. And thus we should all applaud the actions of Fred Gilbert who won't allow the dangerous "electromagnetic forces" and radio waves produced by Wi-Fi units anywhere near his vulnerable students. But what about other producers of electromagnetic radiation such as blenders, microwave ovens, and particle accelerators? Are they dangerous too? Let's get the Cold Hard Facts on the matter.

Paul Brodeur, a colleague of mine, wrote several books during the 1970s, proving that microwaves such as those produced by power lines caused cancer. Not surprisingly physicists and physiologist everywhere, every one of whom is in the pay of the power companies and chemotherapy providers, tried to cover this up. Of course there is no earthy reason why physicists should know anything about power lines, or medical researchers about cancer, but they just sound so darn convincing. And pretty soon, everyone in the United States thought Brodeur was an idiot, even though he was right.

But Brodeur wouldn't give up. He kept digging and, sure enough he realized that our military and the government of Communist Russia were also involved. This should have gotten everyone's attention, but the evil scientists just scoffed and said that if over 100 peer reviewed papers find no correlation between power lines and cancer, there isn't one. Balderdash, those study authors were also involved in the giant power line conspiracy and therefore biased. The only unbiased guy is Brodeur. And still, no one listened to him.

But now, finally, one man is listening to Brodeur. Good Job, Mr. Gilbert, but it's not enough. As Mr. Brodeur demonstrates every electric appliance and even electrical wiring also cause cancer. Plus all those television and radio stations broadcasting the evening news, polluting our very air with their hideous radiation, will lead to increased rates of heart disease when your students get older. Therefore, this blog suggests the only logical course of action. Move your entire university on a fleet of sailboats, so as not to die from the EM radiation generated by jet engines, to some uncharted island in the Pacific. Your students will thank you and your Paranoia.

By the way, just reading this blog on a CRT exposed you to enough radiation to cut your lifespan by about half. So look into those miracle pills in the archives. You'll need them.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Polite Political Debate

Presidential elections are coming up in just a few short weeks, and it's time to meet the major candidates to garner the Cold Hart Facts on their policies. First representing the Whig Party, Alexander Hamilton Hamilton. Representing the Know Nothing Party George Washington Harrison III. Representing the favored Vampire Party, Count Nospertu. And, representing the Psychics party, Madame Cleo Browne.

Cold Hard Facts: Mr. Harrison, where does your party stand on the Iraqi war?
Harrison: I know nothing.
CHF: What about government wiretapping?
Harrison: I know nothing.
CHF: Surely you must know something? Is there some reason why you are running for president?
Harrison: I know no...
Hamilton: The only reason that little back-stabbing traitor is running is to split the Whig Ticket. We Whigs have not forgotten, nor shall we ever forget 1852. And nor is it only the Know-nothings. We know what you Free-soilers and Republicans are up to. Plotting our downfall at this very moment. But now, in our darkest hour, is the time when we will get those protective tariffs passed one way or another.
Madame Browne: The spirits show no such thing.
Hamilton: Shut up, Jacksonian. And take your bloody anti-Bank crusade with with you!
Count Nospertu: Vell I haf a platform. Ve Vampyres haf been persecuted for too long. Everybody makes fun off our accents. Ond there's all these movies thot make uss seem evil. Plus ve vant to restrict access to vooden stakes. You don't even need a license to buy von. It has to stop somevon could get hurt.
CHF: You do know you have to be born in the US in order to become president?
Harrison: Yes, there is no way a blood sucking foreigner will ever have sovereign authority over this land.
Hamilton: I agree with you. But I said that first. You Know-Nothings always steal our ideas.
Count Nospertu: I'll Haf you know I came here in 1678. So I om American. Ah, Ond that's another thing. Ve vant to remoff the restriction on access to Human Blood. It makes things so annoying.
Harrison: Never learned any English though did you?
Count Nospertu: How dare you. Even you should know that whole ridiculous accent thing is just to garner votes. I hope you sleep with plenty of garlic...
Harrison: I just might.
Count Nosperatu: Then I better kill you now. (Slurp)
Count Harrison: I see your point. Ve doo need to get rrrid off the rrrestrrrictions on Human Blood. Rrrright now you can't even enjoy it occcasionally. And the fake accent is pretty cool.
Hamilton: I will not stand for such underhanded debate tactics. I'm Leaving.
Madame Browne: I foresee your spirit will not even make it to the front door.
Hamilton: Well then it's a good thing I brought a steel stake with me. I will make my stand here.

Editorial Comment: The next part of the debate was so weird, we were forced to cut it.

Count Hamilton: It has been a pleasure debating you. I look forward to the victory of the Whig wearing Vampyres who Know-Nothing in the polls this November. Glad we finally worked out our differences.
Count Nosperatu: Glad I was able to make you see the Cold Hard Facts in the matter.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Dennis Lee, victim of Scientific repression.

Dennis Lee, the world Renowned inventor has invented not 1, but 300 machines that generate free energy. And the government won't let him use even one. I mean he's got all these machines buzzing around all over his house, yet the government forces him to depend on foreign oil. It's the Cold Hard Fact.

Every Fourth of July, Lee tries to benefit the public by launching his pyramid scheme/big release, but each time the government has mercilessly shut him down without cause.

And it's not just the government. Every physicist, chemist, and magician in the world is being bribed by Exxon-Mobil to say negative things about Lee. They even tried to pay me $1000 to say Lee is an idiot. Sometimes Exxon representatives even masquerade as curious audience members in order to waste Lee's precious time. The nerve! How dare that guy question the G-d given intellect of Dennis Lee! And for his information, everybody knows that in stable, normal water the positively charged hydrogens bond to each other but in explosive HOH they bond to the negatively charged oxygen atom. No wonder Lee has to keep his lecture tour secret.

We can't let this injustice continue. Snake oil salesmen must be allowed to sell perpetual motion machines to the general public. Everybody know the First Law of Thermodynamics is only a myth. There is such thing as a free lunch. The Cold Hard Facts must not b trampled by a vast Government/Oil Company/Evil Skeptics/UFO/Al Qaeda conspiracy. We will fight to the death over this issue, and we will win.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The State of the State is Strong

I am sure you all listened in rapt attention as George Bush announced that the state of the United States is once again strong. But now the Cold Hard Facts brings you the stirring word of other state leaders, who were unfortunately ignored by our biased media. And I am glad to say the states of those states are strong.
Yoweri Kaguta Museveni, Great President of Lower Half of the Republic of Uganda:
The state of Uganda is strong. Or at least this half is. I heard things weren't going so well in the north. I'll have to check it out.

Daniel Miller, President of the Republic of Texas
The State of the Republic of Texas is strong. Sure we're the laughingstock of the nation, but our cause is just. Soon even our so called President Bush will realize that he is a free and independant citizen of our glorious Republic.
John Jackson, President of the Nevada chapter of Kleptomanics Anonymous:
The state of our organization is STR. Hey, who stole my microphone.

Stirring speeches all. And for those in the Fanatical League of Chemical Terroists:
THe state of Operation Copper(II) Sulfate is strong.