Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Polite Political Debate

Presidential elections are coming up in just a few short weeks, and it's time to meet the major candidates to garner the Cold Hart Facts on their policies. First representing the Whig Party, Alexander Hamilton Hamilton. Representing the Know Nothing Party George Washington Harrison III. Representing the favored Vampire Party, Count Nospertu. And, representing the Psychics party, Madame Cleo Browne.

Cold Hard Facts: Mr. Harrison, where does your party stand on the Iraqi war?
Harrison: I know nothing.
CHF: What about government wiretapping?
Harrison: I know nothing.
CHF: Surely you must know something? Is there some reason why you are running for president?
Harrison: I know no...
Hamilton: The only reason that little back-stabbing traitor is running is to split the Whig Ticket. We Whigs have not forgotten, nor shall we ever forget 1852. And nor is it only the Know-nothings. We know what you Free-soilers and Republicans are up to. Plotting our downfall at this very moment. But now, in our darkest hour, is the time when we will get those protective tariffs passed one way or another.
Madame Browne: The spirits show no such thing.
Hamilton: Shut up, Jacksonian. And take your bloody anti-Bank crusade with with you!
Count Nospertu: Vell I haf a platform. Ve Vampyres haf been persecuted for too long. Everybody makes fun off our accents. Ond there's all these movies thot make uss seem evil. Plus ve vant to restrict access to vooden stakes. You don't even need a license to buy von. It has to stop somevon could get hurt.
CHF: You do know you have to be born in the US in order to become president?
Harrison: Yes, there is no way a blood sucking foreigner will ever have sovereign authority over this land.
Hamilton: I agree with you. But I said that first. You Know-Nothings always steal our ideas.
Count Nospertu: I'll Haf you know I came here in 1678. So I om American. Ah, Ond that's another thing. Ve vant to remoff the restriction on access to Human Blood. It makes things so annoying.
Harrison: Never learned any English though did you?
Count Nospertu: How dare you. Even you should know that whole ridiculous accent thing is just to garner votes. I hope you sleep with plenty of garlic...
Harrison: I just might.
Count Nosperatu: Then I better kill you now. (Slurp)
Count Harrison: I see your point. Ve doo need to get rrrid off the rrrestrrrictions on Human Blood. Rrrright now you can't even enjoy it occcasionally. And the fake accent is pretty cool.
Hamilton: I will not stand for such underhanded debate tactics. I'm Leaving.
Madame Browne: I foresee your spirit will not even make it to the front door.
Hamilton: Well then it's a good thing I brought a steel stake with me. I will make my stand here.

Editorial Comment: The next part of the debate was so weird, we were forced to cut it.

Count Hamilton: It has been a pleasure debating you. I look forward to the victory of the Whig wearing Vampyres who Know-Nothing in the polls this November. Glad we finally worked out our differences.
Count Nosperatu: Glad I was able to make you see the Cold Hard Facts in the matter.

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