Sunday, February 17, 2008

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

Vaccines. I'm sure you all all still traumatized from the first time that mean, evil doctor stuck a needle in your innocent arm. But at least now you know how necessary it was, how many diseases it prevented. WRONG! According to Rebbecca Carley M.D., vaccines are the cause of disease not the prevention. Did you see the M.D after her name? That means she made it through Orgo. She must be a Qualified Expert. She must have been a genius to make it past Orgo.

Here is what Carley M.D. has to say about Vaccines

The basic truth that served as the foundation for the mountain of lies known as vaccinations was the observation that mammals who recover from infection with microorganisms acquire natural immunity from further infections... This truth gave birth to a beLIEf that if a foreign antigen was injected into an individual, that individual would then become immune to a future infection. This beLIEf, (you see the lie in the middle), was given the name, "vaccinations".
Ha ha, BeLIEf. I never noticed that before.

I beLIEve this government cannot endure permanently half-slave and half-free.
Ah, Lincoln , you little rascal. How easy is is to see through you now.

But back on topic, aside from the fact that it is a beLIEf, what you said sounded rather reasonable Carley. Pray tell, why isn't it so?
Medical Jargon. Pseudoscience. More boring stuff. Personal BeLIEfs. Crimes against plants. Medical nonsense. New World Order. Boring stuff. Evil NAZIs. Boring.

Wait! Crimes against plants? New World Order? Are these the rantings of a mad woman? Quite possibly. But they are the rantings of a woman who beLIEves she is right. Erm, BeTRUTHs she is right. Because the evidence supports her. She is an M.D., and you won't be able to understand a word she says, so she must be right.

And what to make of this? Is this a mere coincidence?

Yes. Yes it is. Because we in the know, know that vaccines cannot possibly work, and so that graph is totally wrong. I blame the NAZIs and their CRIMES AGAINST PLANTS.

Incidentally, if you want the REAL Cold Hard Facts, take a look at Carley's work. She is a true expert. That's why she passed Orgo.

I wouldn't have it any other way

I recently learned that there is a company using the call letters ELON. Not surprisingly, it completely dysfunctional and is apparently a losing proposition.

What the hell is wrong with this company?! How do they piss away money
quarter after quarter, year after year?

Trust me to bring a grown stockbroker to tears. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Perfect Gift

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I know this, because I received a lot of irate emails berating the lack of a gift guide. And so with the motto of better late than never, I present our top pick for guys, The Master Cleanse Guidebook, a book that will keep your girlfriend talking about you for a long time.

Everyone knows that diet books are second only to vacuum cleaners in terms of romance potential. Girls are always worrying about their figures, and this shows that you sympathize with her worries. She will definitely take note.And if you are going to get your girl a diet book, get this one. Because only this book contains the power of the Master Cleanse™.

I don't actually know what the Master Cleanse™ is, because the website is very vague and I am not enough of a loser to buy the book, but it is one of those magic food diets. Stick to the simple routine, and the pounds or kilos come flying off.

The diet consists of three simple parts. First, drink a quart of salt water every moning upon awakening. Next eat and drink nothing else but "Lemonade" made from fresh lemons, maple syrup, and savoury cayenne pepper. Drink 6-12 glasses of this concoction a day, and follow each glass with laxatives. Continue on this plan for about two weeks or until death does you part, whichever comes first. After that, eat only raw fruit and vegetables for two months. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now, now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this "diet" was invented during a game of Truth or Dare. That is not true. A lot of research went into this diet. It is all classified, but do you seriously think someone would just randomly recommend eating such weird food without a good reason? You can probably find the research in the book, which I was too cheap to buy. Maybe you can't. It doesn't matter anyway. The point is that this gets results.

So that's my suggestion. Wrap the book up in romantic wrapping paper. And have a camera ready for when she opens it. Trust me, this will be good. Oh, and don't forget to mention that you would take her to a fancy French restaurant, only they unfortunately do not serve lemons and maple syrup. Trust me, this will be a day to remember.

So kids, until next time, always choose Truth and always lie. But if you dare choose Dare, perhaps you will come up with the next health fad. And when you do, I will recommend it here.