Friday, September 29, 2006

Dangerous Lentil Shortage will Lead to War

Once again a serious problem is almost completely ignored by the media. The following in a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

In a malicious attempt to starve half the country, India has decided to ban all exports of lentils. As lentils grow scarcer and scarcer, the price has shot up to $4.00 a gallon, and many in-the-know feel it will only get higher.” Lentils are a non-renewable resource, and we should have seen the coming a long time ago. As demand begins to exceeds supply and production tips over the point of no return lentil-wise, price shoots through the roof." said one economist.

People will have to begin to explore alternate sources of food, he continued. Those lucky enough to be in the in the chick-pea business iare counting on this; they believe it to be only a matter of time before Arabs, Indians and Sephardim are forced to choose their product. "Now that they can't get lentils, all those deserters will have to come crawling back, and we'll give them their chick peas. Yes we'll give them their chick peas, we'll just demand blood in return," said one wholesaler in jubilation.

But many people won't settle for anything less. "Lentils are among the king of foods, and no matter what price they are people will buy them," said one man we interviewed. "I'd rather starve than eat chick peas," said another. Culinary experts agree that lentils are unique foods. "Comparing Indian lentils with chick pea is like comparing the finest French wines with tap water," one chef told us. "If I stopped serving lentils, war would break out said another."

Some wholesalers have begun to turn to the black market, in order to meet the demand. "It's no secret that many of the lentils on my shelves left India illegally," one grocery store owner told us. "One of my suppliers told me he stuffs as many lentils as he can fit into his pants and make a run for Pakistan. It's wrong, but what can I do? People need lentils," he said apologetically. The Indian government has confirmed the smuggling rumors. "We know they're there, but there's not much we can do about it," one Indian customs agent told us.

But even the smugglers can't meet the demand, and several men are worried about the consequences. "We all know what happened after the last lentil shortage in 1939," said John Smith a professor of revisionist history at NYU. "There's no reason to think it won't happen again." No one knows how long it will be until Poland is invaded again, but unless India opens its borders, it is only a matter of time.

As always, remember if even one sentence in these posts is not the Cold Hard Facts, and you catch it, you get to write the next post.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Amazing Emperor Kreskitine

As you all know, the Amazing Kreskin, has recently presented a free seminar to Indiana police officers. Called ICOPS, or Intuitive Cops Observational Preparedness Seminars “ICOPS, it also has much to do with plasma physics and little to do with real science. Never a blog to miss free conferences, we go live with our correspondent, John Smith, who has been patiently waiting on the scene for a week for us to conduct the interview. Kreskin, as you know, believes the whole universe is connected by some kind of "Four-Dimensional Force", so the conference should be quite interesting. This is The Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: John did you have trouble gaining entrance?
John Smith: Nah, I disguised myself as some kind of trooper; fit right in.
CHF: What exactly did the Amazing Kreskin speak about?
JS: He prefers to be known as the Grand Emperor Kreskitine. It makes him feel important.
CHF: Okay what is Emperor Kreskitine's opinion on Psychic Policing.
JS: Only that it is quite effective at "bringing order to the galaxy," as it's called. You see he believes we should have a special secret division of the police called the "intuitive COPs" or "ICOPS". These ICOPS will specialize in tuning in "intuition when dealing with daily law enforcement situations." Just watch how ICOPS improve the standard good cop/bad cop routine.
Good ICOP: You will tell me where you were on the night of the 27th of June.
Criminal: I will tell you whe...
Bad ICOP: Confess NOW. I want the truth!
Criminal: [achhhhh, gag choke. Couch splutter gag]. [gasp gasp] OK I Confess!!

JS: See how effective that is. But that's not all. Darth Kreskus believes if you focus your mind and concentrate your anger, you can actually tune yourself to the power of your enemy, mentally locate which planet he is hiding on, and then turn him to the Cop Side of the Force.
CHF: Sound Impressive ... Most impressive.
JS: Yes, but law enforcement is only the beginning; you wouldn't believe the ideas he has.
CHF: Like what?
JS: Power for one; the republic is weak and crumbling. Now is the chance to seize the reigns of power, to unite the worlds under a new empire. No one will stand before the power of the COP side of the Force. And Emperor Kreskitine is the man/thing to harness this power. Just read his bio. His is the true path to greatness. He can read a book in 15 minutes! You don't know the power of the COP side! Obey Kreskitine or DIE. CHF, I am your father.
CHF: Um Ok... You wouldn't happen to have pictures of the conference would you?

This is Emperor Kreskitine showing off his mental prowess.
JS: And this guy in black is the first of Kreskin's ICOPS, here showing off his interrogation techniques.

You certainly can't argue with that guy!
CHF: No I suppose not. Well, I think we should quit while we're ahead, so we won't even bother showing that trooper disguise John Smith used.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Reading Ability

In response to this article on the reading skills of New Yorkers, we decided to interview Richard P. Mills, New York commissioner of Education to get all the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard FactsMr. Mills your study found that the reading ability of New Yorkers is inversely proportional to age.
Richard P. Mills: Well sort of, but only after fifth grade. Let's start from the beginning.
CHF: The beginning?
RPM: We surgically implated various books of all reading levels into the wombs of 150 pregnant women and one hippy. Fifteen days later we implanted blue essay books and number 2 pencils, and asked the fetuses to each write a short essay describing their book. Results were disastrous.
CHF: In what way?
RPM: Apparently fetuses cannot read or write, but lawyers can. It seems, when in vivo, pencils and notebooks can do quite a bit of damage to both mother and fetus. As if we were supposed to realize that!
CHF: Yes what about after the New Yorker is born?
RPM: Well for the first four years of a baby's life he or she can't read anything at all. But around the fifth year a major breakthrough is achieved with the conquering of Pup Jumps in Mud by Bud Lumpkin or something similar. From there, Cat in the Hat is accomplished in first grade followed by Amelia Bedelia, Sheldon Silverstein's poems, and so on, up to the pinnacle of reading acuity around fifth grade when, the average student is able to read War and Peace.
CHF: War and Peace by Tolstoy?
RPM: Yes, although she can't actually understand any of it. But the average sixth grader can't even read War and Peace, let alone understand it and it all goes downhill from there.
CHF: How far?
RPM: By the time the average New Yorker enters graduate school, he could barely make out a single word in this blog.
CHF: That's Pretty bad. Is there any hope for New York?
RPM: Interestingly enough, if you only look at comic books and video game strategy guides, the average reading level increases year after year, at least among men. So I propose The New York department of Education make a first person shooter game called Tolstoy, and War and Peace would be it's strategy guide. That would pretty well cover the "War" part of it, anyway.
CHF: And for girls?
RPM: We'll make a "Peace" fashion magazine.

Monday, September 18, 2006

It's Scandalous!

Due to some rumors going around about Lee Siegel, I have come back early from my vaction to answer questions about whether I too commented on my own posts, in order to make myself look better. The short answer is no I have not, do not, and will not make up comments under assumed names stating how glorious I am. I have not, do not, and will not write make up comments under assumed names staing how much I suck either. And, I have not, do not, and will not make of comments to attack the authors of other comments be they real comments or comments I did not make up.

Even if I did comment on my own blogs, which I didn't, I would never give myself away by saying I'm funnier than Jon Stewart. That's just a foolish thing to write, even though it may well be true; things like that can get you into trouble. In addition if I did write comments under a pseudonym, which I don't, I would certainly would be a lot more subtle than this guy. I mean it's so obvious jhscwartz is really Lee Siegal.

You readers know as controversial and comment provoking as my posts may be, I am committed to dishing out the Cold Hard Facts, and I would never decieve you reader in such a manner, and nor should you readers tolerate being suckered in such a manner.

To quote sprezzatura, "I'm not Lee Siegel, you imbecile," and truer words have never been spoken.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Another Day, Another Dollar

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

So how did my very interesting day go today? I can see you are very impatient to know.

Well, I walked in the door about 6:30 AM. Started making burgers. Made burgers for about 3 hours, nothing to eventful happened. Then about 12 or 1 we got a call for a special order. Guy apparently wants a deluxe McBurger with the works and a side of fries plus a large coke. Willing to pay us big bucks for it. So what's the catch? Meat got to be made with the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices, and we're not a freaking KFC. Sounds to me like a prank call. But that doesn't stop the manager. No! He thinks he can make an easy $200.

So he sends emily to the local KFC to bring back the herbs. Meanwhile I'm arguing with him the whole thing is stupid, and we don't get paid enough to break into someone else's resturant and steal their spice rack. But the idiot won't listen. Keeps whistling to himself. "We're gonna be rich" We're going to be rich.

Why do all my managers have to be such idiots?

Well Em gets herself busted, ends up in the slammer. It all comes back to us, manager goes off on an "errand" and im the one who has to deal with it. Police don't finish with me till 2 AM. And all for a lousy $5 an hour. Wish I stayed in school. Oh and the guy didn't even like the burger; said all them herbs made him nauseous.

At least I got a blog entry out of the whole thing.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Again they give terrorists information!

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

It's unbelievable. On 9/11 exactly five years after they betrayed our country to Al Qaida, New York Times reporters MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT hand over another important piece of information to enemies. By revealing that companies employ people to masquerade as a customer in order obtain telephone his records illegally, it makes it that much harder for the FBI to do the same thing. We were this close to obtaining Bin Laden, but no you blew it, MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT. What does your editor think he runs, an information source.

As the article further revealed, private detectives often hire these companies to find out if a client's wife is committing Adultery. Adultery is a serious scourge, and this tool gave us the edge in stopping it. But now that MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT spilled the beans, detectives will have to use something else. So wives can now cheat all they want, and we can't do a thing about it. I suppose MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT are proud of themselves, getting rid of America's Moral Values one step at a time.

But worse, your paper will put the phone companies on guard, so they won't give out our confidential information to intruders, and some off those intruders could be the FBI. Before all the FBI had to do to get Verizon to hand over Osama's phone records was call Verizon and have someone pretend to be Bin Laden. Verizon would fall for the ruse, hand over the records, and then we might be able to nab him. But now the Verizon Customer Service People will be on their guards, they'll want proof that an FBI agent is Bin Laden, and he won't be able to get the call records.

First reveal the wiretapping. Then reveal the secret prisons. After that tell the whole world we torture people. Now this. You might as well demoralize the entire American people by telling them how badly we are losing the war in Iraq. Oh wait, you do that too. This has to stop.

And you know what else is wrong with this article. This article written on September 11, 2006, exactly five years after Osama Bin Laden crashed planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, neglects to mention how far we've come in the war on terror, just to make Bush look bad. It doesn't even mention 9/11; I guess MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT don't care about the orphans.

Mr. President if these newspapers are going to fight dirty, you've got to fight dirty too. I want you to declare martial law on the New York Times. This is wartime, Mr. President; there can be no half-measures. President Adams had congress pass a law to shut down newspapers when it wasn't even wartime, and historians consider this Adam's finest hour. When war came to President Lincoln, he shut down papers too. The longer you let the NY Times flagrantly defame you, he harder it will be on the American People. Seize the moment. MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Editor's Note

I, Edgar "NotElon" Greenberg will be out of town on business for the next few weeks. I have tried to obtain substitute bloggers during my absence. They have agreed to license their posts to this blog for free. These bloggers will stick to my same regular schedule, and are just as committed to the Cold Hard Facts as I am. At the top of each post will be the real actual blog where it came from. These other bloggers will not be me in disguise. I am really going. This is not some gimmick for me to write about something completely different.


Friday, September 08, 2006

Oh to visit the moon!

Appearing today on the Cold Hard Facts is a special guest, who will explain to us why NASA never landed on the Moon. Please welcome Ted Donnig.
CHF: So Ted, why do you think the Moon Landings are fake.
Ted: Well it's like when you see a magic trick, and you know that the magician didn't actually use magic (this time), but you don't know how he did it. It's the same thing. NASA can't possibly land on the Moon, and it wuld take irrefutable evidence for me to believe otherwise. Extraodinary claims require extraordinary proof.
CHF: Do you find it odd that there are people who would use that same argument against you?
Ted: Yes, extremely. These whackjobs types swallow NASA's lies about the moon, but when it comes to something common sense such as Aliens Abductions, they suddenly get all skeptical.
CHF: But are alien abductions are common sense?
Ted: Of course they are. I mean who doesn't want to kidnap random people and stick probes up their noses. And if your are an alien being unbounded by the laws of physics, you certainly have the tools to do it. It would be an extraordinary claim that Aliens don't abduct people. It's the same with my theories on medicine.
CHF: Medicine?
Ted: Sure these people believe that little tiny invisible particles cause disease, some thing so ridiculous that I Just have to roll my eyes. But they don't believe in homeopathy.
CHF: Yes, that is weird. But back to the Moon.
Ted: Well you bsically have three catagories of people. We already discussed the wackjobs, but there are also the morons, who believe that we got to the Moon, and then faked the landing to cover up evidence of extra-terrestrial activity; at least their theories are plausible. Last, you have the normal people like me. We know that NASA faked the whole thing because people cannot survive outside the Van-Allen belts. Their "pictures" really show countless evidence of anomalies. Though I did hear that Russia actually went to the Moon, and NASA covered that up too.
CHF: Hmm, well that is one rather interesting hypothesis. Until next time, always demand proof except in the cases of the obvious like telekenesis for example.
Ted: You said it; if telekinesis was impossible, how woulld I commute to work?

Monday, September 04, 2006

HIV doesn't kill people. People kill people.

Everyone says HIV causes AIDS, but do we have any Cold Hard Facts? Wait, wait I know you scientists will show me this picture and tell me those little bumps coming out of that big bump represent AIDS bursting out of a CD4+ T-cell, but I don't trust you.

Maybe those little bumps are baby cells budding from their mommy. Or maybe those aren't even cells. Perhaps it is some kind of cerimonial object. We just don't know.

Does the AIDS virus even exist? Is there any evidence for it? Right now the answer is no. The nice people of are awarding in good faith a 1000 pound prize for the trivial task of finding the mysteriously elusive "AIDS virus". Of course those good for nothing biologists would whine and complain the money is impossible to collect, but the rules are simple enough.

So what does cause AIDS, if not a virus. The surprising answer is AIDS is caused by AIDS drugs. People may think those cosyly drugs are extending their lifespans, but in reality those protease inhibitors and AZT are slowly killing them. But wait you say, what about all those destitute people in Zimbabwe who die of AIDS? AIDS can't be caused by AIDS drugs if people can't afford them, can it? Well over there, clearly it's not the drugs, but that doesn't mean we should blame the harmless HIV virus instead of some other, more reasonable, cause. In poor countries AIDS in actually caused by malnutrition. And AIDS in children is really caused by the mother having ingested steriods during pregnancy, so everything works out. There are many underlying causes for AIDS depending on the patient, but none is caused by the common factor of HIV. That would be too simple, and the simple explantion is always wrong.

Until next time, never trust a doctor. Only trust the conspiricy theories. Refuse to take your medicine. And don't worry about infecting others; there's no proof they'll get AIDS either.