Friday, September 29, 2006

Dangerous Lentil Shortage will Lead to War

Once again a serious problem is almost completely ignored by the media. The following in a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

In a malicious attempt to starve half the country, India has decided to ban all exports of lentils. As lentils grow scarcer and scarcer, the price has shot up to $4.00 a gallon, and many in-the-know feel it will only get higher.” Lentils are a non-renewable resource, and we should have seen the coming a long time ago. As demand begins to exceeds supply and production tips over the point of no return lentil-wise, price shoots through the roof." said one economist.

People will have to begin to explore alternate sources of food, he continued. Those lucky enough to be in the in the chick-pea business iare counting on this; they believe it to be only a matter of time before Arabs, Indians and Sephardim are forced to choose their product. "Now that they can't get lentils, all those deserters will have to come crawling back, and we'll give them their chick peas. Yes we'll give them their chick peas, we'll just demand blood in return," said one wholesaler in jubilation.

But many people won't settle for anything less. "Lentils are among the king of foods, and no matter what price they are people will buy them," said one man we interviewed. "I'd rather starve than eat chick peas," said another. Culinary experts agree that lentils are unique foods. "Comparing Indian lentils with chick pea is like comparing the finest French wines with tap water," one chef told us. "If I stopped serving lentils, war would break out said another."

Some wholesalers have begun to turn to the black market, in order to meet the demand. "It's no secret that many of the lentils on my shelves left India illegally," one grocery store owner told us. "One of my suppliers told me he stuffs as many lentils as he can fit into his pants and make a run for Pakistan. It's wrong, but what can I do? People need lentils," he said apologetically. The Indian government has confirmed the smuggling rumors. "We know they're there, but there's not much we can do about it," one Indian customs agent told us.

But even the smugglers can't meet the demand, and several men are worried about the consequences. "We all know what happened after the last lentil shortage in 1939," said John Smith a professor of revisionist history at NYU. "There's no reason to think it won't happen again." No one knows how long it will be until Poland is invaded again, but unless India opens its borders, it is only a matter of time.

As always, remember if even one sentence in these posts is not the Cold Hard Facts, and you catch it, you get to write the next post.

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