Monday, April 23, 2007

Book Deal?

Recently I was talking to one of my friends, and he mentioned he was shocked that I hadn't capitalized on the blog's runaway popularity, in order to make millions off a crummy book that I can trick you all into reading. Oddly enough, the though never occurred to me, but a Cold Hard Facts book, or even better a series of books, does seem like the next logical step.

There's just one small problem. All the bloggers who capitalized their success, primarily had blogs about two things: Sex and Politics. As I told my friend, there just not that big a market among the weirdo and the math-obsessed. But he observed that's why I'm the perfect person to write one, because I am full of both sex and politics. We could combine both into one book, and have ourselves a best-seller.

He was right of course. I mean everybody knows, Edgar Greenberg the life of every party, both political and drinking. Every night I go off to the bar with my friends to discuss the latest hot issue, and every morning I wake up in a dumpster with no memory, but confident that I must have torn up the place. The longer, the louder, the better, that's my motto on parties. I drink so much, I have cirrhosis at 20.Don't you want to read about how I'm wasting my life, Houghton-Mifflen? And of course my reputation with the ladies speaks for itself.* Rumor has it, that I once had 20 girls fling themselves at me in one night*. Nope, I'm certainly not a boring, straight-laced, moral, upright kind of guy. Not at all.

So yeah, I think my book would be perfect. Now all I have to do is find a publisher. I was thinking Scholastic. I mean The Cold Hard Facts on Girls and Graft: My Life: Part One would be the perfect addition to that spam you send out to fifth graders. It would certainly make a name for itself with the teachers.

*It says loser, but it speaks loud and clear. Oh and Random House, just uh ignore these footnotes. They're uh none of your business.
*Well rumor has it now, anyway.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Don't forget to vote tomorrow!

Just a reminder. The all important Edwardsville School Board Elections are tomorrow. The Cold Hard Facts previously hosted a debate between two of the candidates, and if you live in Edwardsville, IL, we urge to carefully read through the whole thing, and then go vote. The election is obviously very close and very important. And judging by the recent spike in hits and controversy engendered by that debate, many of your fellow Edwardsvillians are morons who don't know the meaning of the word humor, and you don''t want them selecting the school board, do you?

If you don't live in Edwardsville, there's still time to grab your rifle and your bible, march down there, and make Edwardsville bleed. We'll take their school board by force if we have to.

Either way, Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party, even in Edwardsville where parties officially don't exist. They just don't know the meaning of fun there. It's up to you to show them how to have a good time.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Which is more important — blogging or studying?

Clearly blogging. Otherwise, why would I bother writing this post?

Sunday, April 08, 2007


Another day, another contest. And guess which blog didn't win. That's right this one. I was robbed. The Seattle Post Intelligencer* crowned some blog called Careerandkids their featured blog. Apparently they were impressed by it's cheap, gimmicky headlines like "Taking Kids on Business Trips," and The Secret to Successful Work Life Balance." Oh and Careerandkids is written by a "Real working parent, Busy Mom, not a journalist who is also a dad." Whoop-de-doo. It's still way worse than Cold Hard Facts and the Post Intelligencer knows it.

I know what you are going to tell me. "Calm down. Maybe Careerandkids really did deserve to win." Well it's not going to work. We have been aiming for that award for the last two weeks straight. We spent ages working up to this moment. Our hour of triumph was at hand. And then fate cruelly snatched the prize from our grasp.

Working Dad you are making a huge mistake. This blog is Chock-full of "Childcare tips". Perhaps you forgot we gave you that exclusive scoop on how to get the best babysitters for the money. And maybe you didn't notice, but only the Cold Hard Facts contains step by step instructions on changing a diaper while driving down the freeway at 90 mph. Perhaps you didn't notice our special segment, "Tele-housework, the wave of the Future." That post alone could revolutionize homemaking and forever change the pardigm of Working Moms. And last but not least we saved countless mothers time and money by teaching them a better way to fold laundry. Careerandkids never did any of that.

And hey, maybe I'm not a mom, and Maybe I don't have kids, and maybe I don't even work, maybe I'm not even a girl, but to deny me the prize is discrimination. What makes you think a mom knows more about childcare than a single man? Isn't that just prejudice? In fact in this enlightened society, shouldn't you specifically choose the poor bum over the experienced mom? Wouldn't that really illustrate the meaning of joint child-rearing? Think about it.

Mr. Working Dad, I urge you to reconsider. Look deep inside yourself, and ask who really deserves that reward. And then disregard that person and give it to me. It's only just.

*Slightly off topic, but what kind of name is the Post Intelligencer? I wonder if there is a Pre Intelligencer too. Perhaps that is Tacoma's Paper. And what in heck does Intelligencer mean anyway?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007