Monday, May 08, 2006

7 Habits of Highly Effective Blogs

As you all know The Cold Hard Facts is the most successful blog in the history of blogs. But how is it done? Well if you utilize the 7 legal suggestions that follow, I personally guarantee your blog too will become a sensation.

1) Post daily: As you all know this blog posts a new and exciting thought that can be mulled over with the morning coffee. As the saying goes, “It is better to speak when you have nothing to say, than not to speak at all.” You too must post daily, even if you have no time and nothing to say, otherwise no one will ever bother reading it.

2) Have a gimmick to draw in readership: I have found the best draw for blogs is free candy. People come for the candy and stay for the post.

3) Contrary to what you may have heard, never link to other people’s blogs*: That practice only increases those blogs’ hits; it doesn’t benefit you in any way. In fact it is harmful, because those blogs might be, and probably are, more interesting than yours and will steal your precious, precious readership.

4) Get linked to from other people blogs: Obviously you have to be crafty about this because those other people just read tip #3. But a good way to do this is to randomly go to a blog, and post the following comment: “Quite an informative piece you got there. More information on that topic is available here,“ of course linking the word here to your blog. It’s the kind of nuanced, subtle approach to publicity that will get you noticed without creating a fuss.

5) Controversial Political Opinions: Your blog will never go anywhere unless it offends someone. But why just offend someone? The more offensive the better, and the following political positions are guaranteed to offend democrat, republican, and communist alike, making your blog the talk of the internet. a) Raise taxes and invade China, b) Free silver and tariff reform (very controversial nowadays), and c), this one's a real gem, show strong support for the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850. Those are sure to get your blog noticed.

6) Celebrity Gossip: It’s no secret that a blog is nothing without a juicy bit of celebrity gossip. But most people don’t realize that this can be combined with tip #5 for extra effectiveness, as in the following quote:
“Britney Spears was seen today looking resplendent in a Sheik black dress, possibly illustrating her support for the Fugitive Slave Act.”

7) And if those six tips don’t work? Then go with the tried and true method: Chain Letters! There is no better way to take advantage of gullible, superstitious morons. But don’t bother writing you own. I included one of mine that has been making waves across the internet. Just substitute your blog for The Cold Hard Facts, change the URL, and send it to everyone in your inbox. This baby will travel all around the internet in no time.
There is a very important website you must see, or you will die. Don’t believe us, here are four cases.
CASE 1: Kimbe Olobogo of Gambia had one goal in life, to earn enough money subsistence farming to support a family. Then one day the price of Okra went up, and Kimbe earned 3 whole dollars! He was so exited. But then he noticed, he had had e-mail. He checked it, mostly the usual United States Scams, but then he saw one that he had never gotten before. It was this letter telling him to check out The Cold Hard Facts. He wanted to, but he was too poor to own a computer. BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, he died of malaria.

CASE 2: Take Mao Jindao. She received this letter and being the believer that she was, she sent it to her friends but she couldn’t see The Cold Hard Facts, because the Chinese government censored it. Three days later, Jindao went to a masquerade ball. Later that night when she left to get to her bicycle to go home, she was killed on the spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver. And later, the friends that got sent her letter and also couldn't check out The Cold Hard Facts also died in horrible accidents.

CASE 3: Kim S. Winters sent it to these guys. Seconds later, she was run over by an army tank, in her own house.

CASE 4: Richard S. Willis sent this letter out within 45 minutes of reading it, went to, read the entire The Cold Hard Facts and posted 23 comments. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview, he got an even better job with a really big company, when he ran into his real estate agent who told him that his house offer was accepted! But his day got even better! Later on his computer, a little window popped up saying he won a free ipod, and he actually won one. Then his wife decided not to divorce him, and they lived happily ever after.

This is the letter:

You must go to The Cold Hard Facts, read three posts and write a comment, then send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 different people. If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck. If you do not, bad luck will rear it's ugly head at you. THIS IS NOT A JOKE! You have read the warnings, seen the cases, and the consequences. You MUST send this on, or face dreadfully bad luck.

*NOTE* The more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have.

P.S. I did not make this up, someone sent it to me and I went to The Cold Hard Facts, and now am passing it on to you! Now you have to stop everything you’re doing to send it along! Pbttth! You have been warned!

Well there you have 7 tips to make your blog almost as successful as this one.

*Statistics show that 93.4% of Americans do not consider The Cold Hard Facts an “Other Person’s Blog.”

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