Monday, February 26, 2007

Hey you wana buy a friend?

Some people are born popular. Others are not so lucky. Some people are just the antithesis of popular and that's just the way life is. Judging by the fact you bother reading my blog, you yourself are one of those pathetic wretches.

In olden days, this was not so problematic. Sure you had no friends, and you were beaten and teased, and you couldn't get a date, and you became a poor, lonely, broken shell of a man. But at least no one knew about it. Now, if you get a Myspace or Facebook account and only make 500 or so friends, and those friends are all hideously ugly, the whole world will know. There is no way around it. If you don't have a Facebook account, you are a hopeless loser, and if you do, everyone knows you are a hopeless loser. You're simply doomed to be a global laughingstock.

But at last there is an answer. According to the New York Times, it is now possible to buy a friend. Well a picture of a friend anyway. Yesm you heard right. For just 99 cents a month, you can have a picture of a hot model in your friends list, and she'll even proclaim her love for you twice a week. And for each 99 cent you pay, she'll proclaim her love an additional two times. Or if you prefer, you can have a hot guy proclaim his love for you twice a week. Who needs a real girlfriend, when, for just 84 bucks, you can have an imaginary person write you a mush note every hour? I mean isn't that awesome? Someone you don't know, who you never will know, and who doesn't even realize her picture is being abused in this fashion, is now pretending to be your girlfriend. You are still a loser, but now no one will ever know. Hey it worked for Lindsay from San Diego. It can work for you too.

So go ahead sign up today. And write in and tell me how it went. I won't make fun of you or anything...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Help a poor guy in need

With Valentine's day rolling around, my thoughts turned to this guy and his poor plea for help.

(click to expand)

If you or someone you know is a hot white girl who is not taken by an Asian or Black, who doesn't mind dating a loser and idiot, and who is not a evil racist Jewish person, please contact That's and send him a valentine asap. The Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you.

And if you are rich businessman from Nigeria who needs $1000 to smuggle his vast fortune from Nigeria, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you too.

And if you need to send ten copies of an email out, or suffer a powerful curse, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl is all ears.

And if you are selling drugs for old losers with sorry lives, what's a better place to make a pitch than the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl.

So that's Call now. Remember anyone can be a racist, but there can be only one, and he needs your help.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Living on Hot Air

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. For example did you know there are actually people who believe eating is bad for you It's true! According to the frequently Asked Questions on their website, "Q:But if I stop eating I'll die!" A:Not True! This is the biggest lie in history! It is not food that keeps you alive, but your WILL. In fact, it is food or eating(your DIEt) that is killing you!We wonder why we age, or get sick, or smell bad, and finally die; this the DIRECT RESULT of eating! Eating is a destructive act. To eat you must kill or destroy something and we all know what the penalty for killing is. Because we have built up resistance, we don't die right away but slowly, and we call this aging!" Apparently, if you don't eat you can live forever. Really, it's the Cold Hard Fact

I know what you are thinking. You think no one on Earth could possibly live without food or water. Just one glance at a starving child in Africa, or an emaciated Jew after Yom Kippur, seems to illustrate the importance of food and water. And you would be right. No one on Earth could possibly live without food or water.

But breatharians clearly don't come from Earth I mean come on! Did you really think anyone on earth could be so stupid? No, these people come from the transdimensional Earth Prime.See in addition to Old Earth, where all normal people live, there is also Middle Earth, or Transition Earth, containing all matter of wondrous creatures, like this dwarf, but even they are still slaves to their stomachs.

To be free of eating we must go beyond Middle Earth, to a whole new plane of existence, the glorious square root of negative world of Earth Prime. Earth Prime looks exactly like Earth, except that on Earth Prime it is impossible to think rationally and coherently or take a shower. In fact if a Earth Primer even attempts to do either, an anti-time eruption occurs, and he is sucked away for ever. In the words of someone who is, alas all too obviously stuck on Earth prime, we can think of Earth Prime as the "5 dimentional" "original new age" Earth, an "Ethereal" home of the "Star-Colonists" far from the "Lab". Earth Prime also has probability coordinates in 3 dimensional space-time, somewhere in the vicinity of California.

Due to the somewhat unique laws of physics on Earth Prime, those living there often find they do not need to eat, and that they can survive on unused brain tissue alone. As long as they stay in the nether-land of Earth Prime, eating and drinking are unnecessary. Of course when they want to visit Earth, they do what the Earthlings do, but this appearance of eating should not be held against them, as they don't actually get any nutrition from their stops on Earth. It's just, you know, habit.

So how can I visit this glorious world of Earth Prime, you ask. Well G-d know why you would want to, but if you really do, you can travel to Utah, and take a seminar for the ridiculously low introductory price of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS or more. It may sound steep and exorbitant, but think of all the money you save on food, and money has no value to Earth Primers anyway.

Alternatively, if you have have a "basic grasp of quantum physics," you can gradually wean yourself off food and ascend to the higher plane. I suppose that means I can do it, if I really wanted to, but I think I'll take my chances with food. You guys can try it though. If any of you are alive after a month, tell me how it went.

Monday, February 12, 2007

New Post in the works.

A new post will come out some time tomorrow, but the topic is so incredibly weird, I need more time to research it.