Wednesday, May 06, 2009


So this guy supposedly won some dream job which involves collecting $100,000 to sun himself on an island and drink piƱa coladas. But I'm thinking this sounds suspiciously like a horror movie setup. So perhaps the island is infested with radiation mutated zombies. Or maybe it is quickly sinking, and those "Snorkeling skills" will come in awfully handy. I mean the interview involved a spa, and that is never a good sign.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wasting Money Efficiently

I happened to find this elegant concrete doorstop for sale. The doorstop is so elegant in fact, that it costs thirty five hundred bucks.

Now if I were buying a doorstop for $3500, I would want it to send the message that I am so rich, I can blow thousands of dollars on a doorstop. For 3500 dollars, I would want a doorstop that screams this message, preferably something solid gold and diamond encrusted. Which is why I am puzzled and dismayed that this doorstop is basically a glorified cinderblock.

Sure it says it was molded in a one of a kind vase, that had to be smashed in order to produce this fine art. But my problem is that my neighbors may well not know this when they see it propping open my front door. G-d forbid, they might think that my doorstop is only 350 bucks. That and the fact that it would totally clash with all of the other solid gold, diamond encrusted tchotchkes in my house. So I clearly cannot get behind this doorstop, or so I thought.

But then I realized the real point to the doorstop. Notice that under the link to buy the ugly thing is a link to put in on your wedding registry. This is an opportunity waiting to be exploited. The practical jokes alone would be worth it. Can you imagine the shock when guests find out that you expect them to pay $3500 bucks on a piece of junk? Or just imagine the joy on Uncle Gene's face when he finds out that is the only item left to buy. Plus this thing is made of solid concrete and is probably quite clunky to carry, so even if guests could afford it, someone is going to have to lug it around. Won't that be fun?

So this is definitely a must-have item. Uncle Gene, you had better start saving up.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Good-bye Shish, Hello Kufta

I read this great cliffhanger editorial in the Rutgers Targum, entitled Good-bye Peace, Hello Lieberman. How do I know it's got a cliffhanger ending? Neither peace nor Lieberman made it to the article.

I figure that the was writing on at full steam, and just before he got to the part about Joe or maybe Avigdor, BAM!, out of space. It happens. An honest mistake and nothing more. So I look forward to seeing Part 2. Because no Editorial Board is going to allow the passing slur on whichever, apparently warmongering, Lieberman the article was supposed to be about without a good explanation, right? Right? Right.

It might have occurred to you that an old headline was accidentally reused, perhaps from an editorial opposed to the war in Gaza or maybe Iraq. That occurred to me also, and a Google search shows it isn't the case.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

If you were anywhere near a college campus last week, you probably heard that a site called juicycampus was shut down. Of couse if you are not a college student, and probably even if you are, you never heard of juicycampus. So why should you care it was shut down? Because, if college newspaper editorials are any judge, juicycampus is was the most evil college gossip site since sataniccampus or cannibalvixoncampus. Just look a a small sampling of the celebratory letters on its closing.
One of the cruelest Web sites out there was - which, to the relief of many, has just closed down.–UConn Press

Student Government Association President Frank Hood said he was happy to hear the news that JuicyCampus was shutting down.
Hood thought the closing would bring relief to students who were posted about the most because the avenue used to bash them was gone.
"I'm excited," Hood said. "It was a site that really tore apart the community of Ball State." –Ball State News

University Dean of Students Timothy Grimm said the site allowed users to lose their sense of responsibility to their post and tarnish other students’ reputations.
“I’m a firm believer in free speech,” Grimm said. “But with any freedom comes responsibility. Just because it’s easy to [post a comment] doesn’t make it right to.” –Rutgers Daily Targum

Unfortunately for all the reveling Deans of Students, Juicy Campus is apparently less dead then people might have hoped. Because if you go to the website, you will see that is clearly still there, only now the title reads CampusACB. And apparently, the content is still as unspeakably horrible as ever, leading to a new horde of hysterical [pun intended] editorials.

This begs several important journalistic questions. If no one even heard of Juicy Campus until it died, who cares if it is dead? If it didn't actually die, does it even merit a news story? And was this whole death thing just a cynical ploy to harness the righteous indignation of detractors into temporarily rejuvenating a dying white elephant. But being that the obvious answers are "Everybody," "Of Course," and "No!" respectively, we won't spend any more time dwelling on such questions.

Instead let us turn our critical eye to what exactly was on Juicy Campus. If this choice selection from The New Hampshire is any indication, JuicyCampus deserves all that condemnation and more.
THIS is the g****t f*****g thing in the world," said the anonymous poster. "Go ahead and delete this comment you h***'s. juicycampus was fun, but you couldn't let us have that you f*****g prick.

I mean that guy used the dreaded G-word*. Even George Carlin didn't dare say that.

I wanted to experience this nastiness first hand. So I decided to write how I really feel about someone, and then we will see what happens.
"Jimmy Wintergreen" is a cool guy.

And now to make it fit in.
"J***y Wintergr***n is a ke*l g*y.

There perfect. And now we wait.

*Warning: Never call anyone in New Hampshire a "Great Hobo". YOu will probably be shot on sight

Monday, February 02, 2009

I Meant to Write a Post Today...

...But I lost the link to the article I was referencing. As soon as I find it, I will get it up here.