Saturday, December 31, 2005

Another Strike?

Unfortunately, it's the Cold Hard Facts. The Computer Programmers Guild has decided to strike for better health care and tastier donuts.

Well the most important issue is health care. System programming is a dangerous job. I'll bet you didn't know that a programmer is 58% more likely to have a heart attack than a bridge builder. It stands to reason. We should have better health care than them. And, from what I understand from the BBOB, that's the Bridge Builders of America, bridge builders have a very good health plan.

Which brings us to the next issue, donuts. I don't know about you guys, but we're sick of having the same doughnut every meeting. It's not fair working conditions. I think that workplaces should be forced to provide cookies, cakes, or even tarts sometimes, instead donuts. We're not unreasonable, so we'll say three days a week of donuts and two days of other junk food.

We can easily force corporations to the table, because we hid code in every new Windows computer to make it extra vulnerable to viruses during this time, and with so many programmers out of work, we'll just say Symantec's customer support should expect to be extra busy. So I'm sure we'll reach a settlement real soon... or else.

Unexpectedly, the American Chemical Society and American Physics Society started sympathy strikes, causing widespread chaos and destruction. In the interests of obtaining the Cold Hard Facts, we interviewed a representative from each.

An ACS representative:
It wasn't a hard choice to make. We understand health risks. I mean one day you mix Glycerin with Nitric and Sulfuric acids under heat*, and the next day you're in the hospital missing a few digits, and as for doughnuts, most of our members can't even eat them in the workplace. How unfair is that? So we decided to quit work and use the free time to play nasty chemical type pranks on our enemies. Just yesterday, we rigged a cadaverine bomb to detonate during the American Society of Literary Criticism's discussion of "Feministic Ideas behind Isaac Newton's Principia Mathmatica. Ha Ha, what suckers. And I can't wait to pull off tomorrow's agenda. Which reminds me, I think I hear a police car coming, and that means I'm out of here.

Well I sure can't wait to see what those fun loving chemists destroy next. But now lets turn to the APS representative.
That's right, we may or may not have found Higg's Particle, but we won't tell you anything, until you double each and every one of our research grants. In the meantime, our members will be hiding in bushes, and then jumping out at people to explain Schrodinger Equations in detail. And, if I were you, I would make sure to see the ball drop tonight. One of our workers is already stationed there for a little demonstration of something we like to call inelastic collisions involving lead projectiles at high velocities.

Programmers not working, chemists pulling all sorts of nasty pranks, and physicists conducting drive-by shootings? What is this world coming to?

*Try it. It's real fun.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

It's Alchemistry not that boring other stuff!

I bet you thought alchemy was alive and thriving. You thought alchemy never died a natural death around 1750! Well David Radius Hudson is convinced that there really is nothing to alchemy, and his discovery is vitally important to our society's well being.

Apparently he has found out how to turn Manna into gold. Hudson farther demonstrates his vast knowledge of the book of Exodus, with this account that can't possibly be his real words:

Okay, now we come back to the Hebrews who exited Egypt. All of the Egyptians that had this knowledge were slaughtered, and no one was there to bring them back to life. But the Hebrews had this knowledge, and Bezaleel, the goldsmith, was commanded by Moses to prepare the "What is it?", the manna, or the "bread of the presence of God", which was another name, they knew it in old kingdom Egypt. In old kingdom Egypt they had three other names for it, it was called "the golden tear from the eye of Horus", it was called "that which issues from the mouth of the Creator", the spittle, or it was called "the semen of the Father in Heaven". And if you take the white powder gold and you mix it with water, it forms a gelatinous white suspension, that, as a farmer I can attest, it does look just like semen, which we use to, for the cattle and all. Ah, that would be a good description of it, if I was trying to convey to someone what it looks like.

Basically this is the basis of all religions of the world.

Well that certainly makes a whole lot of sense. And not only is the historical and religious basis of this stuff sound, but it breaks no laws of physics either. Here is not a summary of this important discovery:

The ORME -- related to Star Fire, and also known as The Philosopher's Stone, the Elixir of Life, the White Powder of Gold, Ma-na or Manna -- is also an acronym for "Orbitally Rearranged Monoatomic Elements". The phrase was coined by David Radius Hudson, who has done an enormous amount of research on the subject (of which he has in turn shared with thousands of others). The word ORME -- perhaps coincidentally, or perhaps not -- is the same as the Hebrew word which means: the "Tree of Life".

Yes ORME (pronounced Etz Ha'Chaim) is the key to all chemistry and physics. Apparently gold is not a only a metal but rather is also a monoatomic element like neon. This monoatomic state is green in color, far more common than "normal" gold, and for some reason unreactive, in complete accordance with quantum physics. He then degenerates into perfectly clear "technical" jargon, which I suspect no sane chemist or physicist could possibly understand. But people interested in the Cold Hard Facts on the matter probably couldn't care less, because these monoatomic gold particles are the basis for the Philosopher's
Stone, jointly discovered with Nicholas Flamel, whose recipe allowed Adam to live for 930 years, but which was regrettably lost by Noah during the flood. Amazing stuff this Trans-Orbital Lobotomized gold, huh.

Radius tell many more deep, revealing truths, but we have plenty of time to go into them in detail.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Civil War Denial

Recently some respected historians have come forward, and claimed the Civil War never happened. We bring you The cold hard facts.
According to one of these respected historians:
We're not actually denying that the Civil War never happened, rather we just want to revise and correct history to push it towards a more acceptable outcome. At first we just thought that historians record the wrong outcome, because the confederacy never lost. Notice people in the south still march with its colors. But when we examined it closely, it turns out that the Civil Skirmish, as we'll call it wasn't all that big a deal.

I mean I'm not denying that there was a battle here, a battle there but can you honestly tell me that 600,000 people lost their lives in the war. You would think there would be evidence of that. I mean, there's direct evidence, like pictures, of only 2 -300 hundred dead bodies. All the others are probably hiding somewhere. What's 600,000 in 300,000,000?

Which brings me to my next point. It's common knowledge that most of those pictures were faked. In reality all the bodies didn't die from bullets. They died from cholera, or gangrene or other common diseases. That leaves us with what 200 dead maximum.

I Know you're going to say "What about the guns and the bullets that litter all these 'battlefields? Surely they killed people." To that I say "You can't prove it." I mean we see all these bullets and casings in Gettysburg, but do we have any proof they were used against people and not rats? Is a bullet even physically able to kill a man? When you study the question closely, I think you will find the answer is no, and therefore they didn't.

In reality, the whole "Civil War" thing is an Evil Abolitionist conspiracy to free the slaves. And you know what? Historians knew this already but the Jews forced them to keep quiet. But we won't stand for it anymore. As they say in my town. You can't change the past, but you can revise history So let's revise a better world today.

According to another historian, on this topic:
I'm not even going to go there!

So there you go, two equally respected opinions on the matter.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Squaring the Circle - You saw it here first!

Important News Flash
According to reliable sources, a man named John Winslow just squared a circle, a feat most mathematician consider impossible.

Posted by John Winslow

That's right all the big name guys said it couldn't be done. Well I never had no fancy geometry, and I got a square around a circle. I did it months ago in fact. But when I sent my results in, I was ridiculed and the government tried to cover up my work. But G-d wants me to work, and I'm going to keep working till the truth gets out. And after that I'm gonna trisect the angle and find the antiderivative for the elliptical integral. No jealous mathematician will stop me from making important discoveries in the name of humanity!.

A picture of Mr. Winslow's squared circle is given below.

We must not let the government cover up The Cold Hard Facts. We must not stop until John Winslow is on the cover of every journal from Science to Nature, and we will keep fighting until we win!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Celebrity Gossip

One topic that unfortunately receives no coverage on other blogs these days, is celebrity gossip. Today's Post will seek to rectify that situation.

We all know everybody's favorite celebrity. But did you know that those rumors that he is giving up Scientology are true? This blog is proud to give the Cold Hard Facts on the matter.
According to his spokesman, Tom Cruise said:
Well, you know when you get down to it, the whole thing seemed kind of silly. So I decided to practice something much more sensible: Cabalogy. You know, the weird stuff Madonna is always doing? Well now I get to do it also. And the best part? My sales representative expects "Tom Cruise's Red Ribbons" to sell 100 times better than "Tom Cruise's E-Meters" And, of course with a wife and child, I'm going to need all the money I could get.

According to "Rabbi" Yochanan Greenfeld, leader in cabalogy:
It just proves it. 9/10 acolytes choose Kabbalah over all the other leading cults.

What do Tom Cruise's fellow scientologists have to say?
Ah, if only he had reached the 402nd plane of knowledge, Then all his questions would be answered.

This blog concurs. And with that, I think it's time to draw this post to a beginning.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Is There a Professor Harry G. Frankfurt in the House?

This post will have to be very long, as I don't have much physics to study.Some time ago, this blog didn't send a letter to Professor Frankfurt Harry G. Frankfurt, and just recently he didn't respond the following:

If you don't care about our Rights as Bloggers being trod upon, please send him a polite reminder of his commitment to the Cold Hard Facts. He probably still will respond, but at least we can't fill his box with spam. Thank you for your time.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Homoeopathy, the Fair Deal

At last the riveting fifteenth installment of our miniseries tackling real scientific issues that respectable scientists spend years researching, ultimately begrudging The Cold Hard Fact. Today's controversial topic is pathology For some reason, most respectable scientists claim homeopathy is fact. If you need to drink 15000 litres of water in order to ingest one molecule of medicine, and you only ingest a drop or two, the medicine must be tremendously effective, they say. "How can't nothing cure you," they cry.

However, these hideous, rotten, no good, debunking skeptics don't know anything. Homeopathic medicine has been proved hundreds of times, and doctors everywhere are forced to concede it works. I mean, you can't argue with a professional study, like that one.

Homeopathy was started when a man named David Bowie realized the profound truth that medicine works by inflicting the same symptoms on the patient as the disease it cures. Unfortunately his first attempts at treating male pattern baldness with thallium failed miserably, leading Bowie to develop his second law "The more dilute the medicine,the better." And, when he managed to cure malaria with a 1 part in 30 000 000 000 000 000 000 dilution of quinine, the world realized he was on to something and immediately adopted his work.

But how does this amazing cure work? Apparently it involves a profound quantum physical concept called the Heisenberg Very Certainty Principle, which allows the medicine's makeup to be imprinted in the exact momentum and position of every electron in every molecule of the ingested pill. This Very Certainty Principle can lead to other strange properties. For example, thanks to a technological breakthrough by Jacques Benveniste, the information stored in these electrons can be uploaded to a website, where it can presumably be downloaded in convenient PDF format into glasses of water all over the world. Cool isn't it?

So there you have it, The Cold Hard Facts Once again the scientists put their education, experiance and credibitity on the line, just to denounce a popular cheap and effective cure-all as worthless. But the Quaks don't lie: Homeopathy is the best, most effective medicine with the fewest side effects. Plus it's natural, so it must be safe.