Saturday, December 03, 2005

Homoeopathy, the Fair Deal

At last the riveting fifteenth installment of our miniseries tackling real scientific issues that respectable scientists spend years researching, ultimately begrudging The Cold Hard Fact. Today's controversial topic is pathology For some reason, most respectable scientists claim homeopathy is fact. If you need to drink 15000 litres of water in order to ingest one molecule of medicine, and you only ingest a drop or two, the medicine must be tremendously effective, they say. "How can't nothing cure you," they cry.

However, these hideous, rotten, no good, debunking skeptics don't know anything. Homeopathic medicine has been proved hundreds of times, and doctors everywhere are forced to concede it works. I mean, you can't argue with a professional study, like that one.

Homeopathy was started when a man named David Bowie realized the profound truth that medicine works by inflicting the same symptoms on the patient as the disease it cures. Unfortunately his first attempts at treating male pattern baldness with thallium failed miserably, leading Bowie to develop his second law "The more dilute the medicine,the better." And, when he managed to cure malaria with a 1 part in 30 000 000 000 000 000 000 dilution of quinine, the world realized he was on to something and immediately adopted his work.

But how does this amazing cure work? Apparently it involves a profound quantum physical concept called the Heisenberg Very Certainty Principle, which allows the medicine's makeup to be imprinted in the exact momentum and position of every electron in every molecule of the ingested pill. This Very Certainty Principle can lead to other strange properties. For example, thanks to a technological breakthrough by Jacques Benveniste, the information stored in these electrons can be uploaded to a website, where it can presumably be downloaded in convenient PDF format into glasses of water all over the world. Cool isn't it?

So there you have it, The Cold Hard Facts Once again the scientists put their education, experiance and credibitity on the line, just to denounce a popular cheap and effective cure-all as worthless. But the Quaks don't lie: Homeopathy is the best, most effective medicine with the fewest side effects. Plus it's natural, so it must be safe.

1 comment:

Eli said...

Very good analysis of the homeopathic situation. I would just like to point out that this plant is also all-natural.