Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Bloody Murder

I was just clicking on the little "Next Blog" button in the upper right corner when I came upon one called Fantasies of A Serial Killer. I decided to publish his latest and most probably last entry, in order to provoke calm discourse, and eventually lead to a great example of Linear Decay.
Here now is the complete entry, which once again I did not write
To all my loyal and devoted fans. I have an important announcement to make, which will forever change the nature of our relationship. I murdered 12 humans in cold blood. But there was a purpose to this madness, this blog. That's right. Before the only person who ever read this garbage was my grandma, and even you hated it. I got maybe one hit a week. But no longer.

Just think about all the publicity I'll generate. Never again will I ignored. I can just see the statcounter shooting up already.

But even better, for the first time ever, people will leave comments. Now I will forever be known as "You Punk", "You Sick Freak", and "You Stupid Nasty Jerk" even among strangers. Yes, random people from all over the world will write to me and tell me how they really feel about me. It's too perfect.

But what am I rambling on about? This has to be posted before the FBI drag me away, or it won't work. And remember loyal fans, as always tell me what you think. Heh Heh.

Yours truly
John "Killer" Smith

Wait, before you start posting your comments, remember to send this to all your gullible friends. Let's get this thing forwarded all over the internet, and Make John Killer Smith proud.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of ________

We are here with the Vice President of the Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of ________, A society so secret that non-member can't even know it's full name. But at last we have found a snitch who will give us the Cold Hard Facts and the inner workings of this club. There is no reason to suspect why a disgruntled member would not give us only the Cold Hard Facts without any embellishment.

Cold Hard Facts: Why is it called the Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of _________?
Snitch: Well if a secret society has a name, then you can figure out what they do without joining. For example, Masons build things, Elks go hunting or something, and Members of the Skull and Bones obviously kill people. Our organization is so secret, you can't find anything about it until you join.
CHF: Why? What's your big secret?
Snitch: Our real name is the Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of Babka.
CHF: Babka?
Snitch: Our first Grand Master thought the word sounded cool and ancient and perfect for a Fraternal Society. But after the derision the name, Secret Fraternal Order of Babka, received from the general public, he declared the sacred and underlying meaning of Babka is too deep for mortal men, and must be kept from profane tongues.
CHF: A wise choice. So do you have some cool initiation ritual?
Snitch: Oh yes we have the sacred ritual of the Glockenspiel. Where the recruit must run through the field of Mangos, and receive the hidden truth of Claymore.
CHF:undoubtedly, the ritual was thought of by your first Grand Master.
Snitch: Um, yeah. He was not very good with names.
CHF: Moving On. What does your group do.
Snitch: Well we get together every month and talk about inducting new members. And we reward the guys who induct the most members, practice the sacred rituals. Oh and sometimes we do stuff to help the community. But mostly we drink, discuss the sacred rituals, which no unenlightened one can know and guard the sacred rituals from unenlightened ones, a big job there. Those unenlightened ones are always trying to spy on us and learn our rituals. You can ever be too careful.
CHF: Why spend so much effort guarding the secret rituals? Does Anyone really care about them?
Snitch: If people knew all we did was discuss nonsense, then where would we be? No the arcane secrets must be held from the world. Otherwise no one would join. WeÂ’d lose the mystique.
CHF: And yet, you just told me.
Snitch: Oh well that's different. You're a member; you know the secret handshake.
CHF: Actually I just guessed. Incidentally, what does VVV mean?
Snitch: Well it's an acronym for three sacred words our first Grand Master came up with. All the initiates keep clamoring to know it, but I always tell them it means Vorld Vide Veb or Ve Vant Vampire and other nonsense like that. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.
Snitch: Judging by your first Grand Master's penchant for vocabulary. I can imagine it probably is quite a shock. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.