Monday, October 30, 2006

Ghosts Part III - The Ghost of Jamesburg

A long long time ago, when I was a wee lad in Boy Scout troop 22, we camped out in Jamesburg, NJ. One of our members told really, really scary stories about a Ghost of Jamesburg. Everyone knew the Ghost really didn't exist, but I was convinced it was the Cold Hard Facts. Now at last I have been proven right. There really is a Ghost of Jamesburg and a whole team of ghostologists ready to study it. The ghost even stars in his own documentary!

But the best part about the Ghost of Jamesburg, is I can get in on the money, erm contribute valuable research. I mean everybody suspects the Ghost lives in the stupid mansion, but how many people know he also lives in _________ __________ (Location Censored so no one can beat me to the morons erm ghostwatchers). I should know way more about the ghost than South Jersey Ghost Research. I camped there, after all. I think that entitles me to sell "I slept with The Ghost of Jamesburg" t-shirt. Actually we should probably put something else on the shirts, but the point is the same. And for only a $3000 investment, I'll let you join me. Now is the time to make a killing people, because if we don't start soon, we'll be haunted by our stupidity for the rest of our lives.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Too crazy even to be a Morman?

It's true. Brigham Young University found Steven Jones to be a total loony and asked him to resign. This is unfair. Steven Jones is a respected physicist, whose brilliant work on Cold Fusion paved the way for a brighter tomorrow. His untiring investigative work on the true cause of the collapse on the Twin Towershas been an inspiration to us all. Most importantly his essay "Behold My Hands: Evidence for Christ's Visit in Ancient America" is a brilliant piece of satire, and for that alone he should be given full tenure. Still not convinced? Then it's time for the Cold Hard Facts

Steven Jones has plenty of evidence to support his conspiracy theory. He believes fires should not be able to produce molten metal. And even if the fires could melt aluminum, it would be silvery not yellow. Ergo, the molten metal could only have come from a thermite reaction. And you know what else, analysis of the debris showed it was primarily from aluminium and Iron, the same elements in thermite. There is no other plausible source for these elements.

And Steven Jones has already identified the culprits. In this article appearing between Israel used chemical weapons in Lebanon and Gaza and Israel used White Phosphorous bombs during War in Lebanon, just above Israel used Bubonic Plague during War in Lebanon, he states he believes that the "international banking cartel" is behind the attacks. Can you believe that this innocent warning about First Fidelity and Bank of America, was taken by us Jews as an indication of his anti-Semitism? I mean really, not every evil Zionist International Banking Cartel member is Jewish, and even if they are how was poor Steven Jones supposed to know that. Just because he stated an anti-Semitic view on an anti-Semitic website doesn't make him an anti-Semite; he was just speculating.

Dumping Steven Jones will cast doubt on all his scientific research into Cold Fusion and Mormonism. And worse his bad name will forever tarnish these once pristine areas of research. As fellow scientists we cannot let that happen. Once a physicist, always a physicist.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Fantasize Away

Recently a new web site has been unveiled, which turns congress from the most boring bunch of 535 old dudes you ever met, into an exciting recreational activity. Just like Fantasy Football only more pointless, here you draft legislators into your dream team congress and rack up points based on each one's ERA. Ted Kennedy, for example can't rush for his life and thus scores nothing, whereas Mark Foley the hottest QB around until, you know, has, or rather had, gobs of them. Even though every other news station has picked up the story, it's not too late for a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

I decided to make my own team just to see how it's done. After registering, I carefully drafted a team of real winners, thoroughly, scrolling down through the long list of names, slowly vetting each dossier. I believe the whole thing took an hour or more, but it was worth it. My success as a coach depended on it.

With the team formed, I waited anxiously for them to start leaving my opponents in the dust. But apparently unlike football players, my congressmen can get away with taking breaks, and in fact, they're all on recess in Cancun. Not one single motion to lower taxes, reform social security, or even to assassinate the president of Turkmenistan, all of which would score me a cool 15 points. But nope, nothing.

I sent letters, but my men continued to lounge. I sent email after email begging them to come back. I made inspiration speeches over the telephone. When nothing else worked, I even went to congress and personally begged our team to start passing laws again, but they just got their lackey, Fred, to throw me out and order me never to step foot in Washington, DC again.

So that's it. 15 entire hours of my life wasted. Fine guys don't win. Don't even make the playoffs off of the wildcard. Don't even win a single game. You guys are a bunch of no good losers. But why do I care? It's not like you're really my team anyway. Fantasy congress, what a stupid idea. Ah well at least the T-shirt was zazziling.

So there you have it, my affair and violent breakup with fantasy congress. I'm kinda distressed over the whole thing, so I think I'll call it a night.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Technical difficulties

Today's blog post would have been the greatest yet, but alas it was canceled due to technical difficulties.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Golden Anniversary Jubilee Postravagnza

Guess which post this is? Post 37! That's right, for over 39 years this blog has been bringing you the Cold Hard Facts. Men have grown and died on this blog. Careers have been made and ruined. Laws were made and broken, and all without ever telling a lie.

Remember way back when none of the posts made the slightest bit of sense? Or how about the time when we had a record number of comments. Or that time I accidently told the truth and was forced to let someone else blog. Or that time I got real drunk, and posted those pictures I'd rather not talk about. Not to mention all those pointless debates and interviews. Good times Good times.

You we have had a long and laurel filled run. But all good things must come to an end. So I am announcing my resignation, pending Thursday. That's right, I am throwing in the towel. To gIve the young ones a chance. Plus my advisors told me should keep a low profile while that lawsuit is going on. Don't try to talk me out of it; I have already made my decision.

But of course I couldn't have done it without you dear readers. Yes, you made this blog what it is today. We've been through a lot together. We were there for each other, through thick and thin. Thanks for all you mail and helpful criticism. It's been a good run. I'm going to miss you.

Monday, October 16, 2006

They Read My Blog!

A few days ago, we blogged a story about Wal-Mart hiring bloggers to write propaganda about their company. In it, I expressed a small amount of surprise that someone would write propaganda for free. I mentioned that if it had been me, I would have demanded about $2,200 from Wal-Mart. Well Wal-Mart is at it again, but this time they hired people who know the Cold Hard Facts. That's right Wal-Mart hired our regular Contributors, "Washington Post photographer James Thresher and galpal Laura St. Claire." (By the way, James, Laura, thanks for you work on that Ouija board article. It was apppreciated ;-).) They did just as I suggested, and Wal-Mart paid!

Jim Thresher's blog Wal-Marting Across America about a cheerful couple who drive around national parks, camping out at the nearest Wal-Mart, and cheerfully blogging about the accommodations. "When they say restrooms are for paying customers only, you don't have to be a big paying customer. You can buy one of those $2 chatchkas made by starving children in a sweatshop in Malaysia. And really if you gotta go the whole thing is only a formality. That nice cashier doesn't want piss all over her clean floor anymore than you do," one such pleasant post began.

For a while everything was all good. But then some no-good evil stinkers came and reavealed the obvious. Of couse, no couple would write cheery stories about Wal-Mart out of free will, but you guys didn't have to spill the beans. No you busybodies have to get involved with everything. Go ahead and mock two poor innocent people who were merely following my sage advice, and got a paid vacation out of the deal. You muckrakers and truthseekers disgust me.

But now, Jim is throwing a curveball at us. He's planning to give back the money, just because it was wrong to accept it. Jim, HOW DARE YOU GIVE THAT BRIBE.If you do that, your enemies will have won. Your eyes have already been blinded and your righteousness has already been corrupted. It's too late to repent and come clean. You might as well keep the cool 2 thoundand bucks you earned. After all, you earned it. They made you sleep in filthy Wal-Mart parking lots like a hobo.

You would have proudly cherished the money as long as no one found out about it. And you should still cherish the money now that it ruined you career. If you give back the money, you'll be no better than any of those other people we made fun of together. But if you keep it, if you say "Yeah Wal-Mart paid me to write cheery mush stories, but I made two thousand bucks and you didn't neener neener", you'll be the kind of scoundrel the Cold Hard Facts can be proud of. And that goes double for your wife girlfriend galpal.

I urge everyone to write in, and talk James Thresher and Laura St. Claire out of their madness.

Friday, October 13, 2006

An outrage to Greater Washingtonians everywhere

Recently the Greater Washington Transit Authority ran the following campaign.
The New York Times and these guys wrote articles implying the ads are insulting to Plato's Republic. But those guys are dead wrong. The ads aren't insulting to Romance Novels; they're insulting to Greater Washingtonians. And as a Greater Washingtonian, I am personally outraged.

Why is ad so insulting to us Greater Washingtonians you ask? Let me reveal the Cold Hard Facts. First off, the ad campaign implies that Greater Washingtonians aren't cool. While the "Average Subway reading" is a modern book. prehaps the latest in thing. The Greater Washingtonian is so uncool, he's reading Plato. Plato was written like 5 hundred years ago. It's hopelessly out of date. This ad is inmplying we're still stuck in Roman times, a gross slander.

Next, this ad is implying Greater Washintonians don't read. The "Average Reader" is cleaarly immersed in his engrossing book, probably part of a huge collection. But the "Greater Washingtonian" is reading Plato's Republic, one of those books no one would read if it was not on his high school reading list. And The poor guy is over forty years old, yet he only finishes his high school reading now? Is this implying that Greater Washingtonians can't make it through high school until we are 45? That's just too low.

You know what else? The ad is trying to strike a blow at our religion. The greater Washingtonian is reading a book by Plato , an immoral pagan. I don't know much about the other book, but I bet it has the words "Oh, God" in it a lot. This is implying that other cities are more religious and moral than we Greater Washingtonians. That, that is the most, unkindly cut of all. I'll you know Greater Washingtonians read a lot of regious books like trashy romance novels. Whatever company dared to say that about us, better take it all back now or there will be trouble. Mark my words we won't take religious slander lying down.

So clearly the ad is mocking us on all fronts. And I say as Greater Washingtonians, we can't take this lying down. We must unite. We stand together, Greater Washingtonians. And we demand an apology.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Five days passes by so fast, or at least I think it does.

In honor of the upcoming elections we have a candidate from the Florida 4th district, who though a little behind in the polls may just be able to take advantage of current events and catch up. Please welcome Future Represenative Steven Abbott to the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: You will catch up won't you?
Steve: Yes I think so. It is in range of possibility.
CHF: Good, cause we don't interview losers on the Cold Hard Facts So you're from the Waver Party? What issues do you take a stand on?
Steve: Well there's the war in Iraq, it uh isn't going so well, I don't think. Well, no, I guess is is too close to call. But it doesn't look like it's going well, at least I'm not sure, I think it's going well. And, well taxes are too high. Well no maybe they're too low now that I think about it. But over all, in a general sort of way, the country is going in the wrong direction sometimes. You know what I'm saying?
CHF: Not really, no. Um you've been attacked or rather mocked for your campaign ad. You don't see any problems with it.
Steve; Is it too harsh? I'm sorry if I hurt anyone feeling, even if they possibly deserved it.
CHF: No, I don't think that is the problem. Here is the ad.
Mark Foley harassed little kids, or so I've heard. The other guy took bribes, we believe. Don't vote for the crooks, unless you really, really want to. Vote for Steven Abbott, the somewhat honest choice. He probably wouldn't harass boys, and he would never take bribes, at least we don't think he would. Steven Abbott, quite possibly, has worked tirelessly to make the country what it is today. Vote Abbott in 06, please. "I'm Steven Abbott, and I think I approve of this message."

You see the problem with it?
Steve: Sort of.
CHF: Have you guys ever actually taken a stand on anything?
Steve: Yes! No! I don't Know!
CHF: Don't you think voters may want someone who can make up his mind?
Steve: It's hard to say.
CHF: You know, you are starting to sound like a loser.
Steve: I'm not so sure about that.
CHF: Well I am. Scram!
Steve: Well ok, if you're absolutley positive. So I guess this means you probably won't endorse me, huh?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

It's in the blood

Recently this blog ran a story about a cripplingly debilitating lentil shortage, causing mass starvation in Queens. In reference to this tragic piece of news, one reader asked us why anyone would even want to eat lentils, as they are poisonous. The answer is simple. According to the genuine Dr. D'Adamo, Lentils are poisonous, but only to certain people. Lentils are deadly if your blood type is "O" or "B', especially if you are a secretor. Type "A" people however should eat lentils until the lentils come out of their ears.

But why does a person's diet depend on his blood type anyway? The exact details are available only to those acolytes wise enough to see the path of Dr. D'Adamo to buy his books, but luckily there are some such morons on Wikipedia. Apparently foods have proteins called Lectins which stick to the sugars present on Red-Blood Cell, or in the case of type "O" blood stick to the absence of sugars on the cells. Then the cells clump together and clog capillaries, sort of like an attack of sickle cell anemia, only more painful.

Some pessimists think that this whole Blood type diet is just a scheme by a doctor who "couldn't cure his way out of a paper bag" to sell all sorts of worthless health junk at inflated prices, but they are missing the point. These guys don't need evidence or knowledge to dispense dietary advice, as long as they pretend to have it. They're mavericks fighting against the system, and as such they're automatically right.

But criticism also comes from more serious source. Followers of the PETA diet criticize the Eat Right 4 Your Type Diet, believing meat to be unhealthy. With two agenda driven, "alternative", health sources at loggerheads, how do we know which one to believe? We can't. All we can do is keep striving to discover the Cold Hard Facts.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Schedule. Wait, This Blog has a Schedule?

In the beginning, posts came regularly, whenever I felt like it. They came quite frequently, like clockwork, every year or so. However one week, I accidently ruined everything by posting twice, and the hits declined by an order of magnitude. Now I've decided to erratically post every monday and either on Wednesdays or Fridays, perhaps both if I am begged enough. Tommorow, however, expect an extra long post sometime after 8:00 PM, when I will not be exausted from fasting at least 25 hours.

The pervious paragraph was not an Editor's Note in traditional Cold Hard Factian. The note will not be repeated below in English, for all the new readers. Even if you point this out, you can write the next post.

In the beginning, this blog's posting schedule was erratic and crazy, with the average time between posts being one month. Now however, I have decided, that I will regularly post on Mondays, and also either post on Wednesdays or Fridays. If enough readers write in and beg me to post on both Wednesdays and Fridays, I may well end up posting on both. After all, the blog is quite fun to write. This schedule will begin next week. Do not expect a post on Monday, not even after 8:00 PM. I will probably not have sufficient energy to write one, or at least not to write a good one, and therefore won't.

The previous paragraph did indeed contain may true sentences. However I am not counting it as a post. Please do not write in, and demand to know why I didn't lie. You will not be granted next time's post. Sorry about the truth. It won't happen again. Don't write in about this paragraph either.