Monday, October 23, 2006

Fantasize Away

Recently a new web site has been unveiled, which turns congress from the most boring bunch of 535 old dudes you ever met, into an exciting recreational activity. Just like Fantasy Football only more pointless, here you draft legislators into your dream team congress and rack up points based on each one's ERA. Ted Kennedy, for example can't rush for his life and thus scores nothing, whereas Mark Foley the hottest QB around until, you know, has, or rather had, gobs of them. Even though every other news station has picked up the story, it's not too late for a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

I decided to make my own team just to see how it's done. After registering, I carefully drafted a team of real winners, thoroughly, scrolling down through the long list of names, slowly vetting each dossier. I believe the whole thing took an hour or more, but it was worth it. My success as a coach depended on it.

With the team formed, I waited anxiously for them to start leaving my opponents in the dust. But apparently unlike football players, my congressmen can get away with taking breaks, and in fact, they're all on recess in Cancun. Not one single motion to lower taxes, reform social security, or even to assassinate the president of Turkmenistan, all of which would score me a cool 15 points. But nope, nothing.

I sent letters, but my men continued to lounge. I sent email after email begging them to come back. I made inspiration speeches over the telephone. When nothing else worked, I even went to congress and personally begged our team to start passing laws again, but they just got their lackey, Fred, to throw me out and order me never to step foot in Washington, DC again.

So that's it. 15 entire hours of my life wasted. Fine guys don't win. Don't even make the playoffs off of the wildcard. Don't even win a single game. You guys are a bunch of no good losers. But why do I care? It's not like you're really my team anyway. Fantasy congress, what a stupid idea. Ah well at least the T-shirt was zazziling.

So there you have it, my affair and violent breakup with fantasy congress. I'm kinda distressed over the whole thing, so I think I'll call it a night.

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