Sunday, June 17, 2007

Friday's post

Friday's post will be produced, right on schedule, some time tomorrow.

We would also like to thank the five people who commented. As for the 65 lurkers who did not comment, we know where you live, though admittedly, not who you are. We urge you all to come out of the closet and post. You'll see. It'll probably be cathartic or something.

Acupuncture. (Hey we haven't used that label in a while.)

Monday, June 11, 2007

Who even reads this blog?

I can guess, but I really have no idea, and your insightful comments are not so much help. Post 100 is coming up, why don't you drop by and say hi.

And we still have no winners for any of our contests.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Ghosts Part IV - Stalin

Many, many people object to my having Stalin as an avatar. They claim it is poor taste, and they wonder what sick, demented reason I could have for using such a guy. Of course, in truth the picture is not Stalin at all. In a freak coincidence, Joseph Stalin and I just happen to look identical and have the same taste in dress. But if that is not enough to convince people they should stop whining, maybe this will be. New evidence shows that Stalin was really not the most evil man of the last century. In fact, some historians now claim that he was actually a pretty nice guy, and that the Gulags were all hype. Here to answer these charges is the man himself, Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

Cold Hard Facts: You are the same Joseph Stalin, premier of the USSR, who died on March 5, 1953?
Joseph Stalin: I am.
CHF: Good. I was worried we got an impostor.
CHF: How do you feel about not being the most evil, most hated, most despicable man of the last century?
JS: Blast, it's that Adolf dude isn't it? I always knew it would be close, but I thought I might just pull ahead.
CHF: Uh no, I didn't mean that you came in second place. I meant how do you feel about the changes in your legacy.
JS: Changes?
CHF: For example, did you know that if you were to run in an election today, a sizable minority of Russians would vote for you.
JS: Only a minority! Give me a sec. Beria get in here! You've got some work to do.
CHF: No I meant out of their own free will, in a secret election even if you didn't threaten to kill them.
JS: Oh. Well those people are crazy!
CHF: But there is no denying your popularity. Look at this encyclopedia article. I mean sure you were a dictator, but look how great you made Russia.
JS: That article is more biased than Pravda! Surely you don't believe that nonsense.
CHF: But look what they say about your foreign policy! You brought the glories of communism to millions of people across Europe. Think of how happy then must have been.
JS: Oh yeah. They were dancing in the street, or else...
CHF: Fine so maybe you were a little harsh, but you were the great, Fearless Leader, who won World War II. You single-handedly defeated fascism.
JS: Yeah after I sold Half of Eastern Europe to it, then purged the army and got caught in a surprise attack that killed millions of Russians, but eventually yes.
CHF: But don't the ends justify means?
JS: I think so, but I'm a heartless dictator. Normally they don't.
CHF: What about this offhand reference to Ukraine. "The economy-based cabal blames him for the 1932-1933 famine in the Ukraine, which is analogous to blaming Queen Victoria for the Irish potato famine of 1845-1849." That's fair, right.
JS: Considering Queen Victoria forced starving Ireland to export most of its food to England, yeah it's fair. I mean I only did the same thing in Ukraine. I don't like Ukrainians. Why do they need food anyway? May as well not give it to them.
CHF: Fine so you were brutal, so you deported and imprisoned innocent men...
JS: GUILTY men. Once I deport them, they're guilty, even if they're innocent.
CHF: Right. Anyway, so you killed millions of people in cold blood. You did all those terrible things. But look, you wrote beautiful poetry. Doesn't that make you a good person deserving of admiration.
JS: Well look at Hitler. Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats! But no one worships Hitler, do they?
CHF: Well actually...

So that's it for today. Tune in next week when we revise the history of Pol Pot. I bet you didn't know he was a world class Ballet Dancer.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sorry About That

We apologize for three spa related posts in a row. We hope no feelings were injured. Hopefully non-spa related posting can resume tomorrow when I return to the right state of my mind.

The Horror!!! The Horror

Well it had to happen sometime. The spa epidemic has successfully jumped the species barrier to dog, cat, budgie, and possibly even goldfish. That's right. Spas are no longer for humans only. Now a new service, which appears to have been spawned in an unholy union of spa and bookmobile, will pamper your pets with a "luxurious hydrosurge therapeutic bath". Worse the "Spamobile" was started by the head of K-Mart, and rumor has it that its Blue-Light Specials are irresistible. In an attempt to find out why pets are being seduced by such a fiendish beast, we took to the streets. The results are not pleasant.

So Rex, what attracted you to this abomination. Was it the service or the Hydrosurge™?


Snowball as a cat, shouldn't you know better to be seduced by such a travesty?


Goldie, surely a smart, sensible fish like you would know better than this! Goldie? Goldie? Hello? Is there any life in this tank? Well FINE! Don't answer!

Apparently the whole plague can be laid at the feet of certain individuals: Stupid Pet Owners. I mean COME ON People! Why in heck do you think your cat even wants that manicure? Do you honestly think your dog needs that $500 aromatherapy? Do you have nothing better to do with your money than blow it on a STINKIN' GOLDFISH! You people make me sick!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Oh No! When will it end?

Just when I thought there might be a hint of good news on the spa front, I saw this. Yes the horrible spa industry has come out with a new form of torture, one worthy of the, now infamous, Guantanamo Bay Resort, Permanent make-up. Yes ladies, the Spa Cabal knows how obsessed you are with applying lipstick, rouge, and mascara, and, in its own sick, demented, way, it want to help. For a fee, the "Spa Renew," in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin will "delicately tattoo" blush to "to their facial area where they [women or possibly even men too!] normally wear make-up." And for extra, they will even permanently dye your lips a more vibrant shade of red. They will even anesthetize you, so you feel almost no pain. Afterwards you can have a "chemical peel", which they promise will be loads of fun.

Girls, I beg you, for your own good, do not buy their outrageous lies. I don't care how difficult it is to apply lipstick. I don't care how appealing chemical peels sound. You must stand firm. We will not not sit idly by, while people inject us with strange poisons and call it relaxing. We will not allow these bastards to drown our sorrows in soothing goo. We will stand firm. We will... Hey wait! Where are you going? Get away from those telephones. I'm serious here!

We Salute You!

The Cold Hard Facts salutes the brave makers of the documentary Severance. While I have not actually seen this, I am told it is a real-life, behind-the-scenes look at a typical spa. Kudos to you producers. Perhaps once people realize that spas are actually inhabited by depraved serial killers, they will think twice about visiting one, and the Tides of War will finally turn. Information is our strongest weapon. Spread the word.