Friday, June 08, 2007

Ghosts Part IV - Stalin

Many, many people object to my having Stalin as an avatar. They claim it is poor taste, and they wonder what sick, demented reason I could have for using such a guy. Of course, in truth the picture is not Stalin at all. In a freak coincidence, Joseph Stalin and I just happen to look identical and have the same taste in dress. But if that is not enough to convince people they should stop whining, maybe this will be. New evidence shows that Stalin was really not the most evil man of the last century. In fact, some historians now claim that he was actually a pretty nice guy, and that the Gulags were all hype. Here to answer these charges is the man himself, Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

Cold Hard Facts: You are the same Joseph Stalin, premier of the USSR, who died on March 5, 1953?
Joseph Stalin: I am.
CHF: Good. I was worried we got an impostor.
CHF: How do you feel about not being the most evil, most hated, most despicable man of the last century?
JS: Blast, it's that Adolf dude isn't it? I always knew it would be close, but I thought I might just pull ahead.
CHF: Uh no, I didn't mean that you came in second place. I meant how do you feel about the changes in your legacy.
JS: Changes?
CHF: For example, did you know that if you were to run in an election today, a sizable minority of Russians would vote for you.
JS: Only a minority! Give me a sec. Beria get in here! You've got some work to do.
CHF: No I meant out of their own free will, in a secret election even if you didn't threaten to kill them.
JS: Oh. Well those people are crazy!
CHF: But there is no denying your popularity. Look at this encyclopedia article. I mean sure you were a dictator, but look how great you made Russia.
JS: That article is more biased than Pravda! Surely you don't believe that nonsense.
CHF: But look what they say about your foreign policy! You brought the glories of communism to millions of people across Europe. Think of how happy then must have been.
JS: Oh yeah. They were dancing in the street, or else...
CHF: Fine so maybe you were a little harsh, but you were the great, Fearless Leader, who won World War II. You single-handedly defeated fascism.
JS: Yeah after I sold Half of Eastern Europe to it, then purged the army and got caught in a surprise attack that killed millions of Russians, but eventually yes.
CHF: But don't the ends justify means?
JS: I think so, but I'm a heartless dictator. Normally they don't.
CHF: What about this offhand reference to Ukraine. "The economy-based cabal blames him for the 1932-1933 famine in the Ukraine, which is analogous to blaming Queen Victoria for the Irish potato famine of 1845-1849." That's fair, right.
JS: Considering Queen Victoria forced starving Ireland to export most of its food to England, yeah it's fair. I mean I only did the same thing in Ukraine. I don't like Ukrainians. Why do they need food anyway? May as well not give it to them.
CHF: Fine so you were brutal, so you deported and imprisoned innocent men...
JS: GUILTY men. Once I deport them, they're guilty, even if they're innocent.
CHF: Right. Anyway, so you killed millions of people in cold blood. You did all those terrible things. But look, you wrote beautiful poetry. Doesn't that make you a good person deserving of admiration.
JS: Well look at Hitler. Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats! But no one worships Hitler, do they?
CHF: Well actually...

So that's it for today. Tune in next week when we revise the history of Pol Pot. I bet you didn't know he was a world class Ballet Dancer.

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