Monday, November 06, 2006

One last Election Post

The all important elections are coming up in April, 2007, and I urge you all to vote. I refer of course all important School board elections of Edwardsville, Illinois. To aid the voters in choosing their candidates, we invited two of the eligible candidates to the Cold Hard Facts Mr. Jon Warheimer, and Mr. Edward Ferindal.

Cold Hard Facts: Let's start the debate by ensuring that you are both eligible to run. Mr. Warheimer, you previously stated your opponent should in fact be disqualified from the race. Please explain.
Warheimer: Well in order to run for the esteemed position of the Edwardsville School Board, you must meet the residency requirements, and I happen to know that my honorable opponent. Edwaard Ferindal, does not in fact reside amongst the good men and women of Edwardsville, but instead lives across the street from my house in Chicago. People of Edwardsville deserve someone who will stand by them in their time of need, someone dedicated to getting the best education for their children, a native-born citizen. They don’t deserve some two-bit foreign sleazebag, who thinks he can sidle in and steal the school board from the proud Edwardsville public. I won't stand for such behavior.
CHF: Wait a minute, Mr. Warheimer, but if Mr. Ferindal lives across the street from you, then is it not true that you don't live in Edwardsville either?
Warheimer: Well not as such, no. But unlike my opponent, I do rent a townhouse in Edwardsville, which is in full accordance with the residency statute as defined by the Edwardsville Charter section VII, subsection 2, paragraph (c), as amended in 1938 and again amended in 1969, before the 1998 amendment reverted the statute to the original text. My opponent however is not.
CHF: Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute to respond.
Ferindal: My opponent should know full well that I do in fact rent the other half of the aforementioned townhouse in Edwardsville, and therefore am also in compliance with the town charter.
CHF: According to the school board charter, candidates are required to be non-partisan, and yet, you guys have said some pretty nasty things about each other. Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute.
Ferindal: I am completely non-partisan, but my opponent agreed with Bush 98.2718% of the time. Do we want Bush running our schools! Bush is the wrong man for the job, and so is Mr. Warheimer.
CHF: So you're saying your opponent is a Republican?
Ferindal: All I'm saying is our opponent got us stuck in a nasty war over seas!
Warheimer: Which you would cut and run from!
Ferindal: And you want our students to be stupid, so they can go there when they grow up!
Warheimer: We are fighting illiteracy over there so we don't fight it here.
Ferindal: We're supposed to fight illiteracy here. That's what we do as school board officials.
Warheimer: Unn Uh. Not if we fight it over there.
CHF: Alright, you guys aren't making any sense so let's...
Ferindal: He's a liar. A crook. He had an affair with his wife. He wants to teach Evolution!
Warheimer: So do you!
Warheimer: But you want to turn our "Drug Free School Zone" into a "Free Drug School Zone"
Ferindal: Now that's a lie, and you know it Warheimer.
Warheimer: Oh so you want the students to buy drugs? I suppose that your idea of fundraising, is it. Forget the cookie sales, let's get the kids to sell crack. I'm Jon Ferindal. Vote for me, I SELL DRUGS TO LITTLE KIDS.
Ferindal: Yeah, well... Well.... You killed innocent flamingos.
Warheimer: What?! You're mad!
Ferindal: Oh mad, am I I? Flamingos are kind, gentle, birds with beautiful plumage, who keep our streets free of krill. But you know what my opponent did with that nesting pair in his lawn?
Warheimer: Those were plastic, you moron!
Ferindal: Shut UP. He cruelly pulled them out of their nest, chopped the poor buggers' legs off, and threw them in a dumpster. I tried to save them but, but it was too late.
Warheimer: Um, hello those were fake. Plastic. Not real.
Ferindal: Tell that to the voters, Flamingo Killer.
CHF: Um, so there you have it, Mr. Edward Ferindal, and Jon "Flamingo Hater" Warheimer. You have to vote for one of them, unfortunately.

1 comment:

Eli said...

I, too, was always puzzled by the wording of the "Drug Free School Zone." I tended to read it as "Drugs Free - School zone," though.