Jack the Ripper has been Identified

It's the Cold Hard Facts. Scotland Yard believes they have identified Jack the Ripper. Although they're not releasing many details of their ongoing investigation, Chief Inspector Laura Richards believes they have at last made progress on this important case. "He murdered five people, and I for one won't let him get away with it."

Indeed he won't. By analyising eyewitness testimony, and 118 year old evidence, she believes they at last know wich street Jack lives on, and admits that until now, they were apparetly fruitlessly searching for the wrong guy.

The real Jack the Ripper is a man between the ages of 135-145, 5'6", though he may have shrunk somewhat with age, and of a stocky build. Scotland Yard has recently released this picture to the public.


If you see this man, or a very very very old, senile guy, with a "Sadam Hussein-type moustache" who resembles him, please call 999 immediately. Also keep your distance. Jack the Ripper is armed and dangerous. As to what the Bobbys plan to do with the new info, one bobby would say only the following, "It would have been enough for coppers to get out and start knocking on doors... they would have got him, " perhaps implying that Jack the Ripper has indeed been caught and also that "Copper" is clearly a British word not just and American term.

Now if only Scotland Yard could catch the random psychopaths, while they are still alive.