Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It took two weeks, but it's here: Two Faced Statements

The following post is a real editorial, that I snuck in a real (Well ok realish) newspaper. It is not theCold Hard Facts. I repeat it is a real editorial. The editorial was written from a perspective of a guy who make Rush Limbaugh look like Howard Dean. It was written to mock someone really badly. I would change his name to protect the innocent, but a google search for my name now turns up his too. Enjoy.

What silver lining ...This is a disaster
An editorial of Edgar Greenberg

In the article, "You Say You Want a Revolution?" - which ran on Nov. 13 - David Maxham III believes even though the Republicans lost several seats in both houses, several state legislatures and a few initiative battles, the last election was actually a victory for conservatives. He states many conservative constitutional amendments passed. He mentions many of the Democrats elected are not all that liberal anyway. He states several Republicans only lost because they were involved in scandals. And he sincerely believes our president is not conservative enough, which was the cause of all the voter discontent. If the Republicans can again become the conservative party, they can win in 2008.

But alas, Maxham's view is too rosy. Bob Casey may be conservative for a Democrat, but he still is a teeny, tiny bit less conservative than Rick Santorum. James Webb may be a former conservative Republican, but his opponent George Allen is currently a conservative Republican who didn't write porn novels, and he lost. John Tester may be pro-gun, but he is still a populist, liberal Democrat. Sure Casey, Webb and Tester are slightly conservative. But they are still immoral, porn-viewing, flag-burning, evil people who don't give a darn about our troops. And yet, somehow, they won anyway.

Conservative causes didn't do all that better. Sure, gay marriage was banned in six states, and Arizona approved English as the native language. But there were plenty of disasters, too. South Dakota actually voted to legalize the murder of innocent babies, and that evil liberal Michael J. Fox not only got his liberal stem cell bill passed in Missouri, he also got his liberal senator elected there.

Maxham seems to think the election is President George W. Bush's fault. He thinks Bush didn't act conservative enough, angering the voters. That's just another liberal lie. Bush is a great conservative. Perhaps Bush allowed spending to skyrocket, but all that spending was on important, conservative causes - like war, tax cuts and big bridges in Alaska. He appointed two great conservative judges. And yeah, Bush didn't veto anything, but what did he need to veto? Unlike nowadays, back then, conservatives were in power. The one bill Bush did have to veto was a liberal bill to allow experiments on innocent embryos, which the members of Congress must have accidentally let slip by. If Bush isn't conservative enough, who is?

Maxham believes the Democrats are now portraying themselves as the conservative party, stealing our votes. This is utter lunacy. The Democrats won just six days ago and are already pushing their evil, liberal agenda. They want to cut and run from Iraq. They want to raise taxes. They want to raise minimum wage instead of letting market forces govern. And these Democrats actually want to reform Medicare to allow the government to negotiate drug prices, which just proves how liberal they are. Can it even cross your mind that these guys are conservatives? No. Clearly, the Republicans are still the only conservative party. But alas, people just don't care anymore. Maybe we should just give up and move to Canada. They're conservative up there.

There now all we need is to write a liberal response to this editorial.

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