Friday, January 26, 2007

Take This Plane Straight to...

A man unsuccessfully tried to hijack a plane with lip balm and an asthma inhaler last Tuesday. Shouting "Take this plane straight to Johannesburg!", he banged on the cockpit door, and threatened to light his lip balm on fire and blow up the plane with the inhaler. The plane continued to Johannesburg, South Africa on schedule, and passengers were rescued in in time to make their connecting flights.

Passengers are severely traumatized, and are suing Air Botswana for Near Endangerment and Emotional Trauma. "My clients will never be able to look at an inhaler again, without laughing hysterically," their lawyer stated. "Besides, what if he had jabbed the balm down someone's throat. They would have choked to death. This was a serious breach of security." Air Botswana was unavailible for comment.

It is believed that the suspect is a member of Al Qaeda. However, in a tape aired on Al Jezeera, Osama bin Laden denied this allegation. "Let the infidels know, that while I hire stupid people, I don't hire peeople that stupid. I am not hiding out in a cave for nothing", bin Laden bellowed.

A copycat hijack attempt was also foiled, when the perpetrator was forced to leave his liquid-containing squirt gun with security before boarding.

President Bush has declared this another victory in the war on terror. "Uh our guys are uh they're doin' a good job. And uh, we gotta keep the good work. We gotta keep making America safe from lip balm and squirt guns" Bush proudly told reporters.

The terror alert level briefly went up to "Fire Engine Red," but it has since been lowered to"Cranberry." In wake of a recent terrorist threat, which the government will not say is actually real, the level was again raised to "Outrageous Orange," last night.

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