Saturday, December 09, 2006

Slymen' Sprite

company, and its "bold" advertising tactics. Please do not buy anything from this company solely on the basis on this blog post. I repeat, do NOT buy anything from this company solely on the basis of this blog post. If you like its products, and already gulp them down, go ahead and drink, but don't drink them, cause I made fun of the company's advertising, as that defeats the purpose. We do not want encourage further ad campaigns in the same vein, and we do not want to generate free, positive, publicity. If you have not seen the ads, they are available here. However, these ads have been known to induce schizophrenia, and extreme caution is advised.

Recently, the Cold Hard Facts, received a complaint from one of our readers about one "SubLYMONal Advertising" Campaign for some drink called Sprite. After doing an informal survey of reactions to the commercial (Are you Sure big, sweaty, sumo wrestlers do not make you think of refreshing beverages?), we decided to have a word with the man behind this campaign.

Cold Hard Facts: Greetings, thank you for taking the time to talk with us.
Alex Bogusky: No problem. Actually, after the Sprite ads, I found myself with a surprising amount of free time.
CHF: I'm not surprised. I wouldn't hire you, either. Those SubLYMONal ads are beyond creepy.
Alex Bogusky: Well you're not our target market. At 20, you're an unhip oldie. We're aiming the ads at young teens.
CHF: Be that as it may, what did give you the idea to associate sumo wrestlers with sprite?
Alex Bogusky: Well one sumo wrestler represents a fat, sweaty, juicy lemon, and the other is a fat, sweaty, crisp, refreshing lime. Put them together, and you get Lymon.
CHF: Actually sumo wrestlers make me sick, and I wouldn't touch, let alone drink, anything associated with them.
Alex Bogusky: That's because, at 20, you're an old fogy, over the hill. Market research indicates that to teens, this is an arresting advertising that cuts through the monotony of ordinary commercials. Because the 'SubLYMONal' campaign overtly parodies the concept of subliminal advertising and acknowledges up front that the commercials contain hidden content, we are sure that people will want to interact with this advertising.
CHF: Not me. I don't want to get anywhere near those Sumo Wrestlers. Since your commercials aired, I have found myself drinking a lot less sprite. And as far as parodying the concept of subliminal advertising, I happen to be an expert on parodies, and you strike me as a parodyee, not a parodier.
Alex Bogusky: Well, I already said you're an old guy. Your opinions don't matter to me. Trust me teens will interact with this. I mean SubLYMONal is a totally integrated marketing message that focuses on Lymon, Sprite's proprietary lemon-lime flavor formula, which makes Sprite among the world's most thirst-quenching soft drinks. What's not to love about it? I mean, look at the website! It combines the coolness of seizures, with the hipness of wikipedia, and the groovyness of automated text readers. Kids will love it.
CHF: As far as coolness goes, I am more and more convinced that it is you who lacks it. And as far as your ads go, I think most people are smart enough to see how stupid your ads really are. Embedding Lymon, come on! That doesn't even make sense.
Alex Bogusky: I already said you're an old guy. You haven't been with it for 3 whole months. What do you know about coolness? But even if an old curmudgeon, like you, consciously hates my ads, and me the true power of subLYMONal advertising is on the unconscious. The sumo wrestlers, the Volkswagens, the spas, the automated electronic defibrillators, they're all Freudian images for refreshing beverages. Loath the commercials all you want, one day, you'll find you have an overpowering craving for Lymon. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will give in, and on that day I will win. POWER IS MINE! Muh HA HA HA!
CHF: Not if I can help it.
Alex Bogusky: It's too late; the Lymon has already begun. It's only a matter of time now.
CHF: Ok, ok. But, what if somehow you are right? What if my brain does connect CPR to Sprite? And, when someone has sudden cardiac arrest, instead of resuscitating him, I go buy a sprite, and he dies. You'll have a death on your hands! What will you do then?
Alex Bogusky: I'll have sold a Sprite.
CHF: Changing the subject, I believe you are also the guy responsible for the Fantanas. Let me tell you, I loathe them almost as much as your subLYMONal campaign.
Alex Bogusky: Ah the Fantanas, a brilliant marketing ploy. The colorfulness, the catchy tune, the hot babes, it's the best work we've ever done. You may hate it, but how else do you expect us to sell a drink that looks, tastes, and smells like carbonated cough syrup?
CHF: Ok... And what about "Give, Live, Love?" What is that supposed to mean?
Alex Bogusky: Our special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke. Reminds people to come together and share the magic of the season and the spirit of generosity, just as our Polar Bears, penguins and Santa do.
CHF: No I think your "special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke," indicates you've completely lost your mind. But I can help with that. Stay still for just one second...
Welcome to
trans-orbital LYMEbotomy
. Don't worry. It will only affect your brain.
Embedding Ice Pick. Embedding Ice Pick.
Trans-orbital LYMEbotomy complete. Obey!

And so, thanks to the Cold Hard Facts, another patient has been cured, and is well on the way to a quick recovery. Case Closed.


notElon said...

Today's post topic was suggested to me by Stacey W. It was her idea to mock Sprite's Advertising campaign.

As always futher suggestions and ideas for furture posts are wecome, but only if they are good.

Anonymous said...

haha. faggot.