Monday, December 04, 2006

Wash away the troubles with crude oil.

Spas, they take the most disgusting things, mud, cocoa butter, prune juice, and sell baths in them for outrageous prices. But now one company is topping all the others.

Yes that's the Cold Hard Facts, you can take a cool, refreshing shower in crude oil, and you come out smelling like a fresh, clean, gas station. Even better, not only are you showering in crude oil, but you're showering in crude oil that someone else already showered in. Better still the stuff is very, heavy, crude oil, so it has the consistency of hot tar. Ahhhhhhhhhh, so relaxing.

Seriously though, why crude oil. I mean, why not use something way more soothing, like say rotting, fish guts. And we're chemists; we can make things even nastier more energizing and desirable. How about a nice warm, sensual, massage in fragrant Cyclohexene? Or maybe the right mixture of tension-relieving Thiols would do the trick? I heard they exfoliate the skin for a slimmer, firmer, healthier new look. Or relieve the tension with a warm soak in soothing Alinine. Or why not cleanse, buff and hydrate yourself in a sauna filled with the delightful aroma of Hydrogen Telluride The only problem is that these chemicals might be deadly carcinogens, but then again they just might be the cure for rheumatoid arthritis, or at least we can say they might be.

Actually we may well be able to generate a market for this kind of thing. I can see it now, NotElon Chemical Spa and Resort, "So relaxing, we'll have tocarry you out on a stretcher". So who’s with me?


Eli said...

Perhaps these can be offered as part of the prize package for "Who wants to be a chemist?".

Stacey W. said...

Let's combat this by all going to the Chocolate Spa in Hershey PA. You can take a bath in chocolate! Tastes better than Crude Oil!! At least I think it does. :)