One last Election Post

The all important elections are coming up in April, 2007, and I urge you all to vote. I refer of course all important School board elections of Edwardsville, Illinois. To aid the voters in choosing their candidates, we invited two of the eligible candidates to the Cold Hard Facts Mr. Jon Warheimer, and Mr. Edward Ferindal.


Cold Hard Facts: Let's start the debate by ensuring that you are both eligible to run. Mr. Warheimer, you previously stated your opponent should in fact be disqualified from the race. Please explain.
Warheimer: Well in order to run for the esteemed position of the Edwardsville School Board, you must meet the residency requirements, and I happen to know that my honorable opponent. Edwaard Ferindal, does not in fact reside amongst the good men and women of Edwardsville, but instead lives across the street from my house in Chicago. People of Edwardsville deserve someone who will stand by them in their time of need, someone dedicated to getting the best education for their children, a native-born citizen. They don’t deserve some two-bit foreign sleazebag, who thinks he can sidle in and steal the school board from the proud Edwardsville public. I won't stand for such behavior.
CHF: Wait a minute, Mr. Warheimer, but if Mr. Ferindal lives across the street from you, then is it not true that you don't live in Edwardsville either?
Warheimer: Well not as such, no. But unlike my opponent, I do rent a townhouse in Edwardsville, which is in full accordance with the residency statute as defined by the Edwardsville Charter section VII, subsection 2, paragraph (c), as amended in 1938 and again amended in 1969, before the 1998 amendment reverted the statute to the original text. My opponent however is not.
CHF: Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute to respond.
Ferindal: My opponent should know full well that I do in fact rent the other half of the aforementioned townhouse in Edwardsville, and therefore am also in compliance with the town charter.
CHF: According to the school board charter, candidates are required to be non-partisan, and yet, you guys have said some pretty nasty things about each other. Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute.
Ferindal: I am completely non-partisan, but my opponent agreed with Bush 98.2718% of the time. Do we want Bush running our schools! Bush is the wrong man for the job, and so is Mr. Warheimer.
CHF: So you're saying your opponent is a Republican?
Ferindal: All I'm saying is our opponent got us stuck in a nasty war over seas!
Warheimer: Which you would cut and run from!
Ferindal: And you want our students to be stupid, so they can go there when they grow up!
Warheimer: We are fighting illiteracy over there so we don't fight it here.
Ferindal: We're supposed to fight illiteracy here. That's what we do as school board officials.
Warheimer: Unn Uh. Not if we fight it over there.
CHF: Alright, you guys aren't making any sense so let's...
Ferindal: He's a liar. A crook. He had an affair with his wife. He wants to teach Evolution!
Warheimer: So do you!
Warheimer: But you want to turn our "Drug Free School Zone" into a "Free Drug School Zone"
Ferindal: Now that's a lie, and you know it Warheimer.
Warheimer: Oh so you want the students to buy drugs? I suppose that your idea of fundraising, is it. Forget the cookie sales, let's get the kids to sell crack. I'm Jon Ferindal. Vote for me, I SELL DRUGS TO LITTLE KIDS.
Ferindal: Yeah, well... Well.... You killed innocent flamingos.
Warheimer: What?! You're mad!
Ferindal: Oh mad, am I I? Flamingos are kind, gentle, birds with beautiful plumage, who keep our streets free of krill. But you know what my opponent did with that nesting pair in his lawn?
Warheimer: Those were plastic, you moron!
Ferindal: Shut UP. He cruelly pulled them out of their nest, chopped the poor buggers' legs off, and threw them in a dumpster. I tried to save them but, but it was too late.
Warheimer: Um, hello those were fake. Plastic. Not real.
Ferindal: Tell that to the voters, Flamingo Killer.
CHF: Um, so there you have it, Mr. Edward Ferindal, and Jon "Flamingo Hater" Warheimer. You have to vote for one of them, unfortunately.

Ghosts Part III - The Ghost of Jamesburg

A long long time ago, when I was a wee lad in Boy Scout troop 22, we camped out in Jamesburg, NJ. One of our members told really, really scary stories about a Ghost of Jamesburg. Everyone knew the Ghost really didn't exist, but I was convinced it was the Cold Hard Facts. Now at last I have been proven right. There really is a Ghost of Jamesburg and a whole team of ghostologists ready to study it. The ghost even stars in his own documentary!

But the best part about the Ghost of Jamesburg, is I can get in on the money, erm contribute valuable research. I mean everybody suspects the Ghost lives in the stupid mansion, but how many people know he also lives in _________ __________ (Location Censored so no one can beat me to the morons erm ghostwatchers). I should know way more about the ghost than South Jersey Ghost Research. I camped there, after all. I think that entitles me to sell "I slept with The Ghost of Jamesburg" t-shirt. Actually we should probably put something else on the shirts, but the point is the same. And for only a $3000 investment, I'll let you join me. Now is the time to make a killing people, because if we don't start soon, we'll be haunted by our stupidity for the rest of our lives.

Too crazy even to be a Morman?

It's true. Brigham Young University found Steven Jones to be a total loony and asked him to resign. This is unfair. Steven Jones is a respected physicist, whose brilliant work on Cold Fusion paved the way for a brighter tomorrow. His untiring investigative work on the true cause of the collapse on the Twin Towershas been an inspiration to us all. Most importantly his essay "Behold My Hands: Evidence for Christ's Visit in Ancient America" is a brilliant piece of satire, and for that alone he should be given full tenure. Still not convinced? Then it's time for the Cold Hard Facts

Steven Jones has plenty of evidence to support his conspiracy theory. He believes fires should not be able to produce molten metal. And even if the fires could melt aluminum, it would be silvery not yellow. Ergo, the molten metal could only have come from a thermite reaction. And you know what else, analysis of the debris showed it was primarily from aluminium and Iron, the same elements in thermite. There is no other plausible source for these elements.

And Steven Jones has already identified the culprits. In this article appearing between Israel used chemical weapons in Lebanon and Gaza and Israel used White Phosphorous bombs during War in Lebanon, just above Israel used Bubonic Plague during War in Lebanon, he states he believes that the "international banking cartel" is behind the attacks. Can you believe that this innocent warning about First Fidelity and Bank of America, was taken by us Jews as an indication of his anti-Semitism? I mean really, not every evil Zionist International Banking Cartel member is Jewish, and even if they are how was poor Steven Jones supposed to know that. Just because he stated an anti-Semitic view on an anti-Semitic website doesn't make him an anti-Semite; he was just speculating.

Dumping Steven Jones will cast doubt on all his scientific research into Cold Fusion and Mormonism. And worse his bad name will forever tarnish these once pristine areas of research. As fellow scientists we cannot let that happen. Once a physicist, always a physicist.

Fantasize Away

Recently a new web site has been unveiled, which turns congress from the most boring bunch of 535 old dudes you ever met, into an exciting recreational activity. Just like Fantasy Football only more pointless, here you draft legislators into your dream team congress and rack up points based on each one's ERA. Ted Kennedy, for example can't rush for his life and thus scores nothing, whereas Mark Foley the hottest QB around until, you know, has, or rather had, gobs of them. Even though every other news station has picked up the story, it's not too late for a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

I decided to make my own team just to see how it's done. After registering, I carefully drafted a team of real winners, thoroughly, scrolling down through the long list of names, slowly vetting each dossier. I believe the whole thing took an hour or more, but it was worth it. My success as a coach depended on it.

With the team formed, I waited anxiously for them to start leaving my opponents in the dust. But apparently unlike football players, my congressmen can get away with taking breaks, and in fact, they're all on recess in Cancun. Not one single motion to lower taxes, reform social security, or even to assassinate the president of Turkmenistan, all of which would score me a cool 15 points. But nope, nothing.

I sent letters, but my men continued to lounge. I sent email after email begging them to come back. I made inspiration speeches over the telephone. When nothing else worked, I even went to congress and personally begged our team to start passing laws again, but they just got their lackey, Fred, to throw me out and order me never to step foot in Washington, DC again.

So that's it. 15 entire hours of my life wasted. Fine guys don't win. Don't even make the playoffs off of the wildcard. Don't even win a single game. You guys are a bunch of no good losers. But why do I care? It's not like you're really my team anyway. Fantasy congress, what a stupid idea. Ah well at least the T-shirt was zazziling.

So there you have it, my affair and violent breakup with fantasy congress. I'm kinda distressed over the whole thing, so I think I'll call it a night.

Technical difficulties

Today's blog post would have been the greatest yet, but alas it was canceled due to technical difficulties.

Golden Anniversary Jubilee Postravagnza

Guess which post this is? Post 37! That's right, for over 39 years this blog has been bringing you the Cold Hard Facts. Men have grown and died on this blog. Careers have been made and ruined. Laws were made and broken, and all without ever telling a lie.

Remember way back when none of the posts made the slightest bit of sense? Or how about the time when we had a record number of comments. Or that time I accidently told the truth and was forced to let someone else blog. Or that time I got real drunk, and posted those pictures I'd rather not talk about. Not to mention all those pointless debates and interviews. Good times Good times.

You we have had a long and laurel filled run. But all good things must come to an end. So I am announcing my resignation, pending Thursday. That's right, I am throwing in the towel. To gIve the young ones a chance. Plus my advisors told me should keep a low profile while that lawsuit is going on. Don't try to talk me out of it; I have already made my decision.

But of course I couldn't have done it without you dear readers. Yes, you made this blog what it is today. We've been through a lot together. We were there for each other, through thick and thin. Thanks for all you mail and helpful criticism. It's been a good run. I'm going to miss you.

They Read My Blog!

A few days ago, we blogged a story about Wal-Mart hiring bloggers to write propaganda about their company. In it, I expressed a small amount of surprise that someone would write propaganda for free. I mentioned that if it had been me, I would have demanded about $2,200 from Wal-Mart. Well Wal-Mart is at it again, but this time they hired people who know the Cold Hard Facts. That's right Wal-Mart hired our regular Contributors, "Washington Post photographer James Thresher and galpal Laura St. Claire." (By the way, James, Laura, thanks for you work on that Ouija board article. It was apppreciated ;-).) They did just as I suggested, and Wal-Mart paid!

Jim Thresher's blog Wal-Marting Across America about a cheerful couple who drive around national parks, camping out at the nearest Wal-Mart, and cheerfully blogging about the accommodations. "When they say restrooms are for paying customers only, you don't have to be a big paying customer. You can buy one of those $2 chatchkas made by starving children in a sweatshop in Malaysia. And really if you gotta go the whole thing is only a formality. That nice cashier doesn't want piss all over her clean floor anymore than you do," one such pleasant post began.

For a while everything was all good. But then some no-good evil stinkers came and reavealed the obvious. Of couse, no couple would write cheery stories about Wal-Mart out of free will, but you guys didn't have to spill the beans. No you busybodies have to get involved with everything. Go ahead and mock two poor innocent people who were merely following my sage advice, and got a paid vacation out of the deal. You muckrakers and truthseekers disgust me.

But now, Jim is throwing a curveball at us. He's planning to give back the money, just because it was wrong to accept it. Jim, HOW DARE YOU GIVE THAT BRIBE.If you do that, your enemies will have won. Your eyes have already been blinded and your righteousness has already been corrupted. It's too late to repent and come clean. You might as well keep the cool 2 thoundand bucks you earned. After all, you earned it. They made you sleep in filthy Wal-Mart parking lots like a hobo.

You would have proudly cherished the money as long as no one found out about it. And you should still cherish the money now that it ruined you career. If you give back the money, you'll be no better than any of those other people we made fun of together. But if you keep it, if you say "Yeah Wal-Mart paid me to write cheery mush stories, but I made two thousand bucks and you didn't neener neener", you'll be the kind of scoundrel the Cold Hard Facts can be proud of. And that goes double for your wife girlfriend galpal.

I urge everyone to write in, and talk James Thresher and Laura St. Claire out of their madness.

An outrage to Greater Washingtonians everywhere

Recently the Greater Washington Transit Authority ran the following campaign.
The New York Times and these guys wrote articles implying the ads are insulting to Plato's Republic. But those guys are dead wrong. The ads aren't insulting to Romance Novels; they're insulting to Greater Washingtonians. And as a Greater Washingtonian, I am personally outraged.

Why is ad so insulting to us Greater Washingtonians you ask? Let me reveal the Cold Hard Facts. First off, the ad campaign implies that Greater Washingtonians aren't cool. While the "Average Subway reading" is a modern book. prehaps the latest in thing. The Greater Washingtonian is so uncool, he's reading Plato. Plato was written like 5 hundred years ago. It's hopelessly out of date. This ad is inmplying we're still stuck in Roman times, a gross slander.

Next, this ad is implying Greater Washintonians don't read. The "Average Reader" is cleaarly immersed in his engrossing book, probably part of a huge collection. But the "Greater Washingtonian" is reading Plato's Republic, one of those books no one would read if it was not on his high school reading list. And The poor guy is over forty years old, yet he only finishes his high school reading now? Is this implying that Greater Washingtonians can't make it through high school until we are 45? That's just too low.

You know what else? The ad is trying to strike a blow at our religion. The greater Washingtonian is reading a book by Plato , an immoral pagan. I don't know much about the other book, but I bet it has the words "Oh, God" in it a lot. This is implying that other cities are more religious and moral than we Greater Washingtonians. That, that is the most, unkindly cut of all. I'll you know Greater Washingtonians read a lot of regious books like trashy romance novels. Whatever company dared to say that about us, better take it all back now or there will be trouble. Mark my words we won't take religious slander lying down.

So clearly the ad is mocking us on all fronts. And I say as Greater Washingtonians, we can't take this lying down. We must unite. We stand together, Greater Washingtonians. And we demand an apology.

Five days passes by so fast, or at least I think it does.

In honor of the upcoming elections we have a candidate from the Florida 4th district, who though a little behind in the polls may just be able to take advantage of current events and catch up. Please welcome Future Represenative Steven Abbott to the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: You will catch up won't you?
Steve: Yes I think so. It is in range of possibility.
CHF: Good, cause we don't interview losers on the Cold Hard Facts So you're from the Waver Party? What issues do you take a stand on?
Steve: Well there's the war in Iraq, it uh isn't going so well, I don't think. Well, no, I guess is is too close to call. But it doesn't look like it's going well, at least I'm not sure, I think it's going well. And, well taxes are too high. Well no maybe they're too low now that I think about it. But over all, in a general sort of way, the country is going in the wrong direction sometimes. You know what I'm saying?
CHF: Not really, no. Um you've been attacked or rather mocked for your campaign ad. You don't see any problems with it.
Steve; Is it too harsh? I'm sorry if I hurt anyone feeling, even if they possibly deserved it.
CHF: No, I don't think that is the problem. Here is the ad.

Mark Foley harassed little kids, or so I've heard. The other guy took bribes, we believe. Don't vote for the crooks, unless you really, really want to. Vote for Steven Abbott, the somewhat honest choice. He probably wouldn't harass boys, and he would never take bribes, at least we don't think he would. Steven Abbott, quite possibly, has worked tirelessly to make the country what it is today. Vote Abbott in 06, please. "I'm Steven Abbott, and I think I approve of this message."

You see the problem with it?
Steve: Sort of.
CHF: Have you guys ever actually taken a stand on anything?
Steve: Yes! No! I don't Know!
CHF: Don't you think voters may want someone who can make up his mind?
Steve: It's hard to say.
CHF: You know, you are starting to sound like a loser.
Steve: I'm not so sure about that.
CHF: Well I am. Scram!
Steve: Well ok, if you're absolutley positive. So I guess this means you probably won't endorse me, huh?

It's in the blood

Recently this blog ran a story about a cripplingly debilitating lentil shortage, causing mass starvation in Queens. In reference to this tragic piece of news, one reader asked us why anyone would even want to eat lentils, as they are poisonous. The answer is simple. According to the genuine Dr. D'Adamo, Lentils are poisonous, but only to certain people. Lentils are deadly if your blood type is "O" or "B', especially if you are a secretor. Type "A" people however should eat lentils until the lentils come out of their ears.

But why does a person's diet depend on his blood type anyway? The exact details are available only to those acolytes wise enough to see the path of Dr. D'Adamo to buy his books, but luckily there are some such morons on Wikipedia. Apparently foods have proteins called Lectins which stick to the sugars present on Red-Blood Cell, or in the case of type "O" blood stick to the absence of sugars on the cells. Then the cells clump together and clog capillaries, sort of like an attack of sickle cell anemia, only more painful.

Some pessimists think that this whole Blood type diet is just a scheme by a doctor who "couldn't cure his way out of a paper bag" to sell all sorts of worthless health junk at inflated prices, but they are missing the point. These guys don't need evidence or knowledge to dispense dietary advice, as long as they pretend to have it. They're mavericks fighting against the system, and as such they're automatically right.

But criticism also comes from more serious source. Followers of the PETA diet criticize the Eat Right 4 Your Type Diet, believing meat to be unhealthy. With two agenda driven, "alternative", health sources at loggerheads, how do we know which one to believe? We can't. All we can do is keep striving to discover the Cold Hard Facts.

The Schedule. Wait, This Blog has a Schedule?

In the beginning, posts came regularly, whenever I felt like it. They came quite frequently, like clockwork, every year or so. However one week, I accidently ruined everything by posting twice, and the hits declined by an order of magnitude. Now I've decided to erratically post every monday and either on Wednesdays or Fridays, perhaps both if I am begged enough. Tommorow, however, expect an extra long post sometime after 8:00 PM, when I will not be exausted from fasting at least 25 hours.

The pervious paragraph was not an Editor's Note in traditional Cold Hard Factian. The note will not be repeated below in English, for all the new readers. Even if you point this out, you can write the next post.

In the beginning, this blog's posting schedule was erratic and crazy, with the average time between posts being one month. Now however, I have decided, that I will regularly post on Mondays, and also either post on Wednesdays or Fridays. If enough readers write in and beg me to post on both Wednesdays and Fridays, I may well end up posting on both. After all, the blog is quite fun to write. This schedule will begin next week. Do not expect a post on Monday, not even after 8:00 PM. I will probably not have sufficient energy to write one, or at least not to write a good one, and therefore won't.

The previous paragraph did indeed contain may true sentences. However I am not counting it as a post. Please do not write in, and demand to know why I didn't lie. You will not be granted next time's post. Sorry about the truth. It won't happen again. Don't write in about this paragraph either.

Dangerous Lentil Shortage will Lead to War

Once again a serious problem is almost completely ignored by the media. The following in a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

In a malicious attempt to starve half the country, India has decided to ban all exports of lentils. As lentils grow scarcer and scarcer, the price has shot up to $4.00 a gallon, and many in-the-know feel it will only get higher.” Lentils are a non-renewable resource, and we should have seen the coming a long time ago. As demand begins to exceeds supply and production tips over the point of no return lentil-wise, price shoots through the roof." said one economist.

People will have to begin to explore alternate sources of food, he continued. Those lucky enough to be in the in the chick-pea business iare counting on this; they believe it to be only a matter of time before Arabs, Indians and Sephardim are forced to choose their product. "Now that they can't get lentils, all those deserters will have to come crawling back, and we'll give them their chick peas. Yes we'll give them their chick peas, we'll just demand blood in return," said one wholesaler in jubilation.

But many people won't settle for anything less. "Lentils are among the king of foods, and no matter what price they are people will buy them," said one man we interviewed. "I'd rather starve than eat chick peas," said another. Culinary experts agree that lentils are unique foods. "Comparing Indian lentils with chick pea is like comparing the finest French wines with tap water," one chef told us. "If I stopped serving lentils, war would break out said another."

Some wholesalers have begun to turn to the black market, in order to meet the demand. "It's no secret that many of the lentils on my shelves left India illegally," one grocery store owner told us. "One of my suppliers told me he stuffs as many lentils as he can fit into his pants and make a run for Pakistan. It's wrong, but what can I do? People need lentils," he said apologetically. The Indian government has confirmed the smuggling rumors. "We know they're there, but there's not much we can do about it," one Indian customs agent told us.

But even the smugglers can't meet the demand, and several men are worried about the consequences. "We all know what happened after the last lentil shortage in 1939," said John Smith a professor of revisionist history at NYU. "There's no reason to think it won't happen again." No one knows how long it will be until Poland is invaded again, but unless India opens its borders, it is only a matter of time.

As always, remember if even one sentence in these posts is not the Cold Hard Facts, and you catch it, you get to write the next post.

The Amazing Emperor Kreskitine

As you all know, the Amazing Kreskin, has recently presented a free seminar to Indiana police officers. Called ICOPS, or Intuitive Cops Observational Preparedness Seminars “ICOPS, it also has much to do with plasma physics and little to do with real science. Never a blog to miss free conferences, we go live with our correspondent, John Smith, who has been patiently waiting on the scene for a week for us to conduct the interview. Kreskin, as you know, believes the whole universe is connected by some kind of "Four-Dimensional Force", so the conference should be quite interesting. This is The Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: John did you have trouble gaining entrance?
John Smith: Nah, I disguised myself as some kind of trooper; fit right in.
CHF: What exactly did the Amazing Kreskin speak about?
JS: He prefers to be known as the Grand Emperor Kreskitine. It makes him feel important.
CHF: Okay what is Emperor Kreskitine's opinion on Psychic Policing.
JS: Only that it is quite effective at "bringing order to the galaxy," as it's called. You see he believes we should have a special secret division of the police called the "intuitive COPs" or "ICOPS". These ICOPS will specialize in tuning in "intuition when dealing with daily law enforcement situations." Just watch how ICOPS improve the standard good cop/bad cop routine.

Good ICOP: You will tell me where you were on the night of the 27th of June.
Criminal: I will tell you whe...
Bad ICOP: Confess NOW. I want the truth!
Criminal: [achhhhh, gag choke. Couch splutter gag]. [gasp gasp] OK I Confess!!

JS: See how effective that is. But that's not all. Darth Kreskus believes if you focus your mind and concentrate your anger, you can actually tune yourself to the power of your enemy, mentally locate which planet he is hiding on, and then turn him to the Cop Side of the Force.
CHF: Sound Impressive ... Most impressive.
JS: Yes, but law enforcement is only the beginning; you wouldn't believe the ideas he has.
CHF: Like what?
JS: Power for one; the republic is weak and crumbling. Now is the chance to seize the reigns of power, to unite the worlds under a new empire. No one will stand before the power of the COP side of the Force. And Emperor Kreskitine is the man/thing to harness this power. Just read his bio. His is the true path to greatness. He can read a book in 15 minutes! You don't know the power of the COP side! Obey Kreskitine or DIE. CHF, I am your father.
CHF: Um Ok... You wouldn't happen to have pictures of the conference would you?
JS:

This is Emperor Kreskitine showing off his mental prowess.
JS: And this guy in black is the first of Kreskin's ICOPS, here showing off his interrogation techniques.

You certainly can't argue with that guy!
CHF: No I suppose not. Well, I think we should quit while we're ahead, so we won't even bother showing that trooper disguise John Smith used.

Reading Ability

In response to this article on the reading skills of New Yorkers, we decided to interview Richard P. Mills, New York commissioner of Education to get all the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard FactsMr. Mills your study found that the reading ability of New Yorkers is inversely proportional to age.
Richard P. Mills: Well sort of, but only after fifth grade. Let's start from the beginning.
CHF: The beginning?
RPM: We surgically implated various books of all reading levels into the wombs of 150 pregnant women and one hippy. Fifteen days later we implanted blue essay books and number 2 pencils, and asked the fetuses to each write a short essay describing their book. Results were disastrous.
CHF: In what way?
RPM: Apparently fetuses cannot read or write, but lawyers can. It seems, when in vivo, pencils and notebooks can do quite a bit of damage to both mother and fetus. As if we were supposed to realize that!
CHF: Yes what about after the New Yorker is born?
RPM: Well for the first four years of a baby's life he or she can't read anything at all. But around the fifth year a major breakthrough is achieved with the conquering of Pup Jumps in Mud by Bud Lumpkin or something similar. From there, Cat in the Hat is accomplished in first grade followed by Amelia Bedelia, Sheldon Silverstein's poems, and so on, up to the pinnacle of reading acuity around fifth grade when, the average student is able to read War and Peace.
CHF: War and Peace by Tolstoy?
RPM: Yes, although she can't actually understand any of it. But the average sixth grader can't even read War and Peace, let alone understand it and it all goes downhill from there.
CHF: How far?
RPM: By the time the average New Yorker enters graduate school, he could barely make out a single word in this blog.
CHF: That's Pretty bad. Is there any hope for New York?
RPM: Interestingly enough, if you only look at comic books and video game strategy guides, the average reading level increases year after year, at least among men. So I propose The New York department of Education make a first person shooter game called Tolstoy, and War and Peace would be it's strategy guide. That would pretty well cover the "War" part of it, anyway.
CHF: And for girls?
RPM: We'll make a "Peace" fashion magazine.

It's Scandalous!

Due to some rumors going around about Lee Siegel, I have come back early from my vaction to answer questions about whether I too commented on my own posts, in order to make myself look better. The short answer is no I have not, do not, and will not make up comments under assumed names stating how glorious I am. I have not, do not, and will not write make up comments under assumed names staing how much I suck either. And, I have not, do not, and will not make of comments to attack the authors of other comments be they real comments or comments I did not make up.

Even if I did comment on my own blogs, which I didn't, I would never give myself away by saying I'm funnier than Jon Stewart. That's just a foolish thing to write, even though it may well be true; things like that can get you into trouble. In addition if I did write comments under a pseudonym, which I don't, I would certainly would be a lot more subtle than this guy. I mean it's so obvious jhscwartz is really Lee Siegal.

You readers know as controversial and comment provoking as my posts may be, I am committed to dishing out the Cold Hard Facts, and I would never decieve you reader in such a manner, and nor should you readers tolerate being suckered in such a manner.

To quote sprezzatura, "I'm not Lee Siegel, you imbecile," and truer words have never been spoken.

Another Day, Another Dollar

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from SlaveofMcDonald.blogspot.com. It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

So how did my very interesting day go today? I can see you are very impatient to know.

Well, I walked in the door about 6:30 AM. Started making burgers. Made burgers for about 3 hours, nothing to eventful happened. Then about 12 or 1 we got a call for a special order. Guy apparently wants a deluxe McBurger with the works and a side of fries plus a large coke. Willing to pay us big bucks for it. So what's the catch? Meat got to be made with the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices, and we're not a freaking KFC. Sounds to me like a prank call. But that doesn't stop the manager. No! He thinks he can make an easy $200.

So he sends emily to the local KFC to bring back the herbs. Meanwhile I'm arguing with him the whole thing is stupid, and we don't get paid enough to break into someone else's resturant and steal their spice rack. But the idiot won't listen. Keeps whistling to himself. "We're gonna be rich" We're going to be rich.

Why do all my managers have to be such idiots?

Well Em gets herself busted, ends up in the slammer. It all comes back to us, manager goes off on an "errand" and im the one who has to deal with it. Police don't finish with me till 2 AM. And all for a lousy $5 an hour. Wish I stayed in school. Oh and the guy didn't even like the burger; said all them herbs made him nauseous.

At least I got a blog entry out of the whole thing.

Again they give terrorists information!

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from IhateNewYorkTimes.blogspot.com. It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

It's unbelievable. On 9/11 exactly five years after they betrayed our country to Al Qaida, New York Times reporters MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT hand over another important piece of information to enemies. By revealing that companies employ people to masquerade as a customer in order obtain telephone his records illegally, it makes it that much harder for the FBI to do the same thing. We were this close to obtaining Bin Laden, but no you blew it, MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT. What does your editor think he runs, an information source.

As the article further revealed, private detectives often hire these companies to find out if a client's wife is committing Adultery. Adultery is a serious scourge, and this tool gave us the edge in stopping it. But now that MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT spilled the beans, detectives will have to use something else. So wives can now cheat all they want, and we can't do a thing about it. I suppose MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT are proud of themselves, getting rid of America's Moral Values one step at a time.

But worse, your paper will put the phone companies on guard, so they won't give out our confidential information to intruders, and some off those intruders could be the FBI. Before all the FBI had to do to get Verizon to hand over Osama's phone records was call Verizon and have someone pretend to be Bin Laden. Verizon would fall for the ruse, hand over the records, and then we might be able to nab him. But now the Verizon Customer Service People will be on their guards, they'll want proof that an FBI agent is Bin Laden, and he won't be able to get the call records.

First reveal the wiretapping. Then reveal the secret prisons. After that tell the whole world we torture people. Now this. You might as well demoralize the entire American people by telling them how badly we are losing the war in Iraq. Oh wait, you do that too. This has to stop.

And you know what else is wrong with this article. This article written on September 11, 2006, exactly five years after Osama Bin Laden crashed planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, neglects to mention how far we've come in the war on terror, just to make Bush look bad. It doesn't even mention 9/11; I guess MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT don't care about the orphans.

Mr. President if these newspapers are going to fight dirty, you've got to fight dirty too. I want you to declare martial law on the New York Times. This is wartime, Mr. President; there can be no half-measures. President Adams had congress pass a law to shut down newspapers when it wasn't even wartime, and historians consider this Adam's finest hour. When war came to President Lincoln, he shut down papers too. The longer you let the NY Times flagrantly defame you, he harder it will be on the American People. Seize the moment. MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW!

Editor's Note

I, Edgar "NotElon" Greenberg will be out of town on business for the next few weeks. I have tried to obtain substitute bloggers during my absence. They have agreed to license their posts to this blog for free. These bloggers will stick to my same regular schedule, and are just as committed to the Cold Hard Facts as I am. At the top of each post will be the real actual blog where it came from. These other bloggers will not be me in disguise. I am really going. This is not some gimmick for me to write about something completely different.

Edgar

Oh to visit the moon!

Appearing today on the Cold Hard Facts is a special guest, who will explain to us why NASA never landed on the Moon. Please welcome Ted Donnig.
CHF: So Ted, why do you think the Moon Landings are fake.
Ted: Well it's like when you see a magic trick, and you know that the magician didn't actually use magic (this time), but you don't know how he did it. It's the same thing. NASA can't possibly land on the Moon, and it wuld take irrefutable evidence for me to believe otherwise. Extraodinary claims require extraordinary proof.
CHF: Do you find it odd that there are people who would use that same argument against you?
Ted: Yes, extremely. These whackjobs types swallow NASA's lies about the moon, but when it comes to something common sense such as Aliens Abductions, they suddenly get all skeptical.
CHF: But are alien abductions are common sense?
Ted: Of course they are. I mean who doesn't want to kidnap random people and stick probes up their noses. And if your are an alien being unbounded by the laws of physics, you certainly have the tools to do it. It would be an extraordinary claim that Aliens don't abduct people. It's the same with my theories on medicine.
CHF: Medicine?
Ted: Sure these people believe that little tiny invisible particles cause disease, some thing so ridiculous that I Just have to roll my eyes. But they don't believe in homeopathy.
CHF: Yes, that is weird. But back to the Moon.
Ted: Well you bsically have three catagories of people. We already discussed the wackjobs, but there are also the morons, who believe that we got to the Moon, and then faked the landing to cover up evidence of extra-terrestrial activity; at least their theories are plausible. Last, you have the normal people like me. We know that NASA faked the whole thing because people cannot survive outside the Van-Allen belts. Their "pictures" really show countless evidence of anomalies. Though I did hear that Russia actually went to the Moon, and NASA covered that up too.
CHF: Hmm, well that is one rather interesting hypothesis. Until next time, always demand proof except in the cases of the obvious like telekenesis for example.
Ted: You said it; if telekinesis was impossible, how woulld I commute to work?

HIV doesn't kill people. People kill people.

Everyone says HIV causes AIDS, but do we have any Cold Hard Facts? Wait, wait I know you scientists will show me this picture and tell me those little bumps coming out of that big bump represent AIDS bursting out of a CD4+ T-cell, but I don't trust you.

Maybe those little bumps are baby cells budding from their mommy. Or maybe those aren't even cells. Perhaps it is some kind of cerimonial object. We just don't know.

Does the AIDS virus even exist? Is there any evidence for it? Right now the answer is no. The nice people of Virusmyth.net are awarding in good faith a 1000 pound prize for the trivial task of finding the mysteriously elusive "AIDS virus". Of course those good for nothing biologists would whine and complain the money is impossible to collect, but the rules are simple enough.

So what does cause AIDS, if not a virus. The surprising answer is AIDS is caused by AIDS drugs. People may think those cosyly drugs are extending their lifespans, but in reality those protease inhibitors and AZT are slowly killing them. But wait you say, what about all those destitute people in Zimbabwe who die of AIDS? AIDS can't be caused by AIDS drugs if people can't afford them, can it? Well over there, clearly it's not the drugs, but that doesn't mean we should blame the harmless HIV virus instead of some other, more reasonable, cause. In poor countries AIDS in actually caused by malnutrition. And AIDS in children is really caused by the mother having ingested steriods during pregnancy, so everything works out. There are many underlying causes for AIDS depending on the patient, but none is caused by the common factor of HIV. That would be too simple, and the simple explantion is always wrong.

Until next time, never trust a doctor. Only trust the conspiricy theories. Refuse to take your medicine. And don't worry about infecting others; there's no proof they'll get AIDS either.