Hey you wana buy a friend?

Some people are born popular. Others are not so lucky. Some people are just the antithesis of popular and that's just the way life is. Judging by the fact you bother reading my blog, you yourself are one of those pathetic wretches.


In olden days, this was not so problematic. Sure you had no friends, and you were beaten and teased, and you couldn't get a date, and you became a poor, lonely, broken shell of a man. But at least no one knew about it. Now, if you get a Myspace or Facebook account and only make 500 or so friends, and those friends are all hideously ugly, the whole world will know. There is no way around it. If you don't have a Facebook account, you are a hopeless loser, and if you do, everyone knows you are a hopeless loser. You're simply doomed to be a global laughingstock.

But at last there is an answer. According to the New York Times, it is now possible to buy a friend. Well a picture of a friend anyway. Yesm you heard right. For just 99 cents a month, you can have a picture of a hot model in your friends list, and she'll even proclaim her love for you twice a week. And for each 99 cent you pay, she'll proclaim her love an additional two times. Or if you prefer, you can have a hot guy proclaim his love for you twice a week. Who needs a real girlfriend, when, for just 84 bucks, you can have an imaginary person write you a mush note every hour? I mean isn't that awesome? Someone you don't know, who you never will know, and who doesn't even realize her picture is being abused in this fashion, is now pretending to be your girlfriend. You are still a loser, but now no one will ever know. Hey it worked for Lindsay from San Diego. It can work for you too.

So go ahead sign up today. And write in and tell me how it went. I won't make fun of you or anything...

Help a poor guy in need

With Valentine's day rolling around, my thoughts turned to this guy and his poor plea for help.

(click to expand)

If you or someone you know is a hot white girl who is not taken by an Asian or Black, who doesn't mind dating a loser and idiot, and who is not a evil racist Jewish person, please contact soothsayer1489@yahoo.com. That's soothsayer1489@yahoo.com and send him a valentine asap. The Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you.

And if you are rich businessman from Nigeria who needs $1000 to smuggle his vast fortune from Nigeria, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you too.

And if you need to send ten copies of an email out, or suffer a powerful curse, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl is all ears.

And if you are selling drugs for old losers with sorry lives, what's a better place to make a pitch than the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl.

So that's soothsayer1489@yahoo.com. Call now. Remember anyone can be a racist, but there can be only one soothsayer1489@yahoo.com, and he needs your help.

Living on Hot Air

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. For example did you know there are actually people who believe eating is bad for you It's true! According to the frequently Asked Questions on their website, "Q:But if I stop eating I'll die!" A:Not True! This is the biggest lie in history! It is not food that keeps you alive, but your WILL. In fact, it is food or eating(your DIEt) that is killing you!We wonder why we age, or get sick, or smell bad, and finally die; this the DIRECT RESULT of eating! Eating is a destructive act. To eat you must kill or destroy something and we all know what the penalty for killing is. Because we have built up resistance, we don't die right away but slowly, and we call this aging!" Apparently, if you don't eat you can live forever. Really, it's the Cold Hard Fact

I know what you are thinking. You think no one on Earth could possibly live without food or water. Just one glance at a starving child in Africa, or an emaciated Jew after Yom Kippur, seems to illustrate the importance of food and water. And you would be right. No one on Earth could possibly live without food or water.

But breatharians clearly don't come from Earth I mean come on! Did you really think anyone on earth could be so stupid? No, these people come from the transdimensional Earth Prime.See in addition to Old Earth, where all normal people live, there is also Middle Earth, or Transition Earth, containing all matter of wondrous creatures, like this dwarf, but even they are still slaves to their stomachs.



To be free of eating we must go beyond Middle Earth, to a whole new plane of existence, the glorious square root of negative world of Earth Prime. Earth Prime looks exactly like Earth, except that on Earth Prime it is impossible to think rationally and coherently or take a shower. In fact if a Earth Primer even attempts to do either, an anti-time eruption occurs, and he is sucked away for ever. In the words of someone who is, alas all too obviously stuck on Earth prime, we can think of Earth Prime as the "5 dimentional" "original new age" Earth, an "Ethereal" home of the "Star-Colonists" far from the "Lab". Earth Prime also has probability coordinates in 3 dimensional space-time, somewhere in the vicinity of California.

Due to the somewhat unique laws of physics on Earth Prime, those living there often find they do not need to eat, and that they can survive on unused brain tissue alone. As long as they stay in the nether-land of Earth Prime, eating and drinking are unnecessary. Of course when they want to visit Earth, they do what the Earthlings do, but this appearance of eating should not be held against them, as they don't actually get any nutrition from their stops on Earth. It's just, you know, habit.

So how can I visit this glorious world of Earth Prime, you ask. Well G-d know why you would want to, but if you really do, you can travel to Utah, and take a seminar for the ridiculously low introductory price of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS or more. It may sound steep and exorbitant, but think of all the money you save on food, and money has no value to Earth Primers anyway.

Alternatively, if you have have a "basic grasp of quantum physics," you can gradually wean yourself off food and ascend to the higher plane. I suppose that means I can do it, if I really wanted to, but I think I'll take my chances with food. You guys can try it though. If any of you are alive after a month, tell me how it went.

New Post in the works.

A new post will come out some time tomorrow, but the topic is so incredibly weird, I need more time to research it.

Losing the war on Spas

Last month, we reported on the unfortunate growing epidemic of paying to bathe in strange liquids. Now we return to the deadly spa, as we look at incoming reports of even more horrific torture selling for ever more exorbitant prices. The outrage has gotten so bad it calls for an emergency blog post, and marks the inauguration of a new label.


First on our hit list is the thumb massage. Apparently geared towards people addicted to cell phone texting, who can't pay for a full spa treatment, this new service consists of "Thumb Massages," and application of "Light emitting diodes" and Polarized current" to the thumb, ear and, mouth. Normally I am a big fan of LEDs, but using them to rip off stupid women is just sick.

If the thumb massages are not enough to make you cower, just listen to this next spa treatment: Flesh Eating Fish. Yes, that's right. In this treatment a woman sticks her feet into water containing actual fish which are actually encouraged to eat the dead skin offf her toes, so that she looks marginally better in sandals. After that she can pay an additional fee to shave off her eyebrows and replace them with prosthetics. Crazy aain't it. But here's the worst part. Women aren't the only people interested in these treatments. Men too are letting fish eat their flesh. Men also are going for the prosthetic eyebrows. And here's the worst bit, now there are even men who will actually pay to have hot wax poured in an area I won't mention, but suffice to say the procedure sounds incredibly painful. I had hooped that at least men would have more sense than that, but I was wrong. This spa epidemic is too far out of control.

But that's not the worst bit. No the item that made me create this emergency blog post come from the Holy Land A spa is now charging 300 shkalim for the privilege of allowing real live snakes to crawl up and down all over your naked body. Apparently this is supposed to be relaxing. RELAXING? What in the world is less relaxing than having a live snake crawl all over you. I'll tell you what! The thought that I wasted 300 shekalim to have that snake crawl all over me.

The spas have pushed the forces of reason back far enough. We can no longer afford to retreat against this imminent threat. It's time we take a stand. We must fight back, and yes die if we have to. It is the only way we can save society. We must fight back for the sake of the Cold Hard Facts.

Take This Plane Straight to...

A man unsuccessfully tried to hijack a plane with lip balm and an asthma inhaler last Tuesday. Shouting "Take this plane straight to Johannesburg!", he banged on the cockpit door, and threatened to light his lip balm on fire and blow up the plane with the inhaler. The plane continued to Johannesburg, South Africa on schedule, and passengers were rescued in in time to make their connecting flights.

Passengers are severely traumatized, and are suing Air Botswana for Near Endangerment and Emotional Trauma. "My clients will never be able to look at an inhaler again, without laughing hysterically," their lawyer stated. "Besides, what if he had jabbed the balm down someone's throat. They would have choked to death. This was a serious breach of security." Air Botswana was unavailible for comment.

It is believed that the suspect is a member of Al Qaeda. However, in a tape aired on Al Jezeera, Osama bin Laden denied this allegation. "Let the infidels know, that while I hire stupid people, I don't hire peeople that stupid. I am not hiding out in a cave for nothing", bin Laden bellowed.

A copycat hijack attempt was also foiled, when the perpetrator was forced to leave his liquid-containing squirt gun with security before boarding.

President Bush has declared this another victory in the war on terror. "Uh our guys are uh they're doin' a good job. And uh, we gotta keep the good work. We gotta keep making America safe from lip balm and squirt guns" Bush proudly told reporters.

The terror alert level briefly went up to "Fire Engine Red," but it has since been lowered to"Cranberry." In wake of a recent terrorist threat, which the government will not say is actually real, the level was again raised to "Outrageous Orange," last night.

Shoes— Not just for the ladies.

Like most men, I own less than five pairs of shoes. However, members of the other gender are notorious for owning millions of pairs each. This gives them influence over shoe style, and since they tend to like uncomfortable shoes in every imaginable color, that is not a good thing.

But now men are fighting back. Sneakerheads, the technical term for men who own more than tenm pairs of track shoes, are an up and coming new market. And stores are starting to take notice.

Sneakerheading is a trend I can get into, not because I actually care about sneakers but just so I have something to annoy annoying girls with. The next time I hear a girl mention clogs, high tops, or heels, I can ask her which treads go best with moderately faded jeans. In fact, I encourage every man I know to try this. It's time we fight back.

Post Labels

Someone recently remarked that due to the scope of this blog, it sometimes is difficult to obtain the Cold Hard Facts of the required subject matter. We sympathize with these concerns, and we thus proudly introduce our new Logical organizational labeling system.

1) All new posts of blog information will be affixed with the label "Donald Trump".
2) All posts will some truth in them will be labeled "breadsticks", unless another rule would say otherwise.
3) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, the Post will be labeled "Donald Trump", but not "breadsticks".
4) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, and thus the conditions for rule 3 are also satisfied, but there is also falsehood in the post, the "Warning" label will be affixed, in warning
4) If acupuncture is mentioned even in passing, the dog doo label is applicable.
5) If a reference is made to a label, the post will be labeled with the "label" label.
6) Any post referencing astrology will be labeled "Fresh Kills," unless Jupiter is in the fifth house.
8) Jupiter is assumed not to live in houses.
9) Any post which does not contain the words "Cold hard Facts," will be labeled "Cold Hard Facts."
10) Any post which would not merit any label whatsoever merits the sympathy label, "Oil of Violets."

Technical Difficulties

Due to lack of internet connection at my residence, last Friday's, Today's, and possibly Wednesday's posts will be delayed. For once, I have an excuse.

Rutgers was Robbed Again!

Like any fan of their, Alma Mater, I spend a good portion of my day cheering for for Rutgers, and when Rutgers doesn't win I cry and pout for weeks. This is especially so when the loss is the result of unfair calls. In that case my friends and I sit around railing at the injustice of referees, even years after the event.

Alas Rutgers is agian a victim of conspiricy. The Young America Foundation just released it's "Dirty Dozen", a listing of "America’s Most Bizarre and Politically Correct College Courses," and Rutgers was not on it. In fact not one of Rutgers's courses has ever been listed, not even once. But do you know which college is host to the all-time worst? That's Right, it's Princeton, who is apparently our rival. Grrr, it makes me so angry.

Well for your information, Young America Foundation, Rutgers has plenty of stupid, nonsense courses. We are the king of stupid, nonsense, courses. Your arch-nemisis, Liberalism is the very demon-spawn of Rutgers. And I for one, want recognition for them. So today for the benifit of the bozos at the Young America Foundation, we will be looking at the Cold Hard Facts of Rutgers College Courses. We'll see if we can't beat those snoods at Columbia and Cornell*.

Opening Rutgers's course Catalog to a random page, we come to the total lunacy of the... Physics department. Hastily closing the book, we reopen it, to the Religion Department. Ah here we go. What is more stupid than 01:840:201 The Old Testament, an interpretation of basic Hebrew Scriptures in translation; history of religious themes such as sin, covenants, and prophecy, in ancient Israel? Translation: The Tanach, as taught by a Christian who speaks no Hebrew or Aramaic, who believes an eye for an eye is literal, and who has never heard of commentaries. It could only be 01:840:401 Seminar in Old Testament Literature, a study of the role in redactional criticism in determining literary structure, interdependence of primary divisions, and development of basic themes in the Hebrew's Scriptures. Translation: Using the pseudoscientific field of Literary Criticism on the English "translation" of the Latin "translation", of the Greek "translation" of the Tanach, in the hopes of making everyone very angry. Oh and Young America Foundation, here's a course you may not have heard of. 01:840:439 Terrorism in Christianity: An unbiased, rational, didactic look at Pogroms, Inquisitions, Crusades, Blood-Libels, Expulsions, and Ronald Reagan**. Can you honestly say that is not worse than Native American Feminisms? Take that University of Michigan.

Moving over to the Philosophy Department we find courses like 01:730:421 Semantics of Language, covering traditional questions about the semantics of names, predicates, adverbs, psychological ascriptions , and demonstrative and indexical expressions. Verbs of Change. Comparative Adjectives. I'm not even going to attempt to translate that one, but I will point out that "Verbs of Change." is a Sentence Fragment. In your face, Plato! Here's another pointless course, 01:730:418 Philosophy of Mind. Mind-body problem, the nature of consciousness; rationality; intentionality; human freedom; Theories of Dualism, physicalism, functionalism, and behavioralism. I'm not sure what that course teaches either. In fact, I'm not sure what half these courses in this department teach. If it was up to me, I would change the department name to "Logic," and can every philosophy course whose description contains more than one made up word, discounting names.

Next we turn to Black African Africana Studies. Covering a full Three! pages of nonsense. First we start with linguistics courses. I believe these are important, and if someone wants to learn Hausa, there should be a course in it. But let us compare the course discription of Elementary Hausa with that for the corresponding courses in Arabic, Hebrew, and Japanese. Hausa: Development of Oral and Written Proficiency. Student exposed to, gain an appreciation for, and possibly identify with a number of African Peoples and Cultures. Arabic: Development of oral and written proficiency. Japanese: Introduction to grammer and writing systems; practice in speaking, reading, and writing. Hebrew: Speaking, reading, and writing; oral-aural exercises. Notice the difference? And then we have the "History" courses, which I can't even make heads or tail of. And then, are you listening Young America Foundation, we have 01:014:366History of Race and Sex, with the very vague discription,"Examines how race and gender have independently and jointly determined life chances throughout America." I thought that course was bad, but it's apparently not bad enough for the critics at the Young America Foundation.

Rutger will rise from the Ashes, Young America Foundation! Just will till you see next year's lineup. I dare you to deny the prize to 01:988:346 The Evolutionary Basis of Feminism***.

My father sent me to old Rutgers,
And resolv'd that I should be a man;
And so I settled down,
In that noisy college town,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

Then sing aloud to Alma Mater
And keep the scarlet in the van'
For with her motto high
Rutgers' name shall never die
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

*Actually Columbia has never won either. But it came closer to being a runner-up. Cornell's Course on Cyberfeminism is admittedly ridiculous, but it still rankles.
**Actually I made that course up, in the hopes of getting the Young America Foundation really annoyed at us, therby giving a bigger chance to win with a course that actually exists. It's called Reverse Psychiatry.
***Ditto.

They know when you're sleeping. They know when you're awake. And they want YOU!

Recently, while searching for some Cold Hard Facts, I came across a facebook page advertising the CIA. Apparently intelligence has shown that this is the most effective recruiting technique the CIA could come with.


Careful sleuthing revealed the ad was for this website. Notice the https://; that 's' means secret, a sure sign we're on the right track. And after examining the website with a fine-toothed comb, I concluded it's purpose was to recruit new CIA agents. Actually the motto on the bottom, "Today's Youth, Tomorrow's Assassins" was a dead giveaway.

So what can you do on a CIA website? Well for one you can take a personality test, with such questions as "Can you stomach our horrible flash intro", "What form of transportation do you prefer", and "What kind of dweeb doesn't pick Jetpack?" There is also a testimonial section, where agents codenamed things like FRED and SUSAN reveal the rewards and benefits of CIA work. "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you afterwards", is a common theme.

But most, importantly the people at the CIA want you to know that the CIA is just an ordinary company. Sure every employee owns a phaser and a jet-pack. And sure even the janitor learns how to kill someone with her index finger. But the CIA want you to know it also pays decent wages and gives benefits. And sometimes, you can even take your daughter to work. Just not normally.

So I think I'll join the CIA. They'll hire me for sure. And I bet passing security will be a breeze. What's not to like about the Supreme Dictator of the Fanatical League of Chemical Terrorists, who uses Stalin as his avatar?

Legendary Exploits

One thing I have always wanted to do is to start my own urban legend. It can't be all that difficult, because it seems to me that people will spread almost any rumor they hear. I mean take this one. It’s clearly utter rubbish, but it made it to Snopes.

Grim Note

On the issue of consumer protection and hazardous warnings, here's a new one, I think. Those yellow sponges with the green plastic fibers on the back for scrubbing pots — "Pot Scrubbers" — should be kept far away from our birds, fish, reptiles, cats and dogs, hamsters and whatevers.

Proctor & Gamble, in its continuing search to make America look clean and smell great, has a new "improved" version of the sponge on the market that kills odor-causing fungi that get in the sponge after a few uses. They make a big deal out of this innovation on the outside packaging. A friend of mine used one of these sponges to clean the glass on a 200-gallon aquarium. The abrasive backs are good for removing algae and smutz that collect on the inside of the tank. He refilled the tank and after the water had time to condition and rid itself of chlorine, he reintroduced his tropical fish collection of some 30 fish. Within five hours of putting the fish back in the tank, they were all dead! Some began to die after only 30 minutes. He removed the survivors to another tank but they all died.

Retracing his steps to clean the tank, the only thing that was different was using that new kind of sponge - he'd used the regular old Pot Scrubbers for years. Lo and behold I discovered on the back of the packaging in about the finest print you could put on plastic a description of the fungicide in the sponge and the warning in tiny bold-face letters, "not for use in aquariums. keep away from other pets."
Thanks for the warning, Proctor & Gamble. It seems the fungicide is a derivative of the systemic pesticide-herbicide, 2-4-D, more popularly known as Agent Orange, the chemical we sprayed all over Southeast Asian during the Vietnam War that many veterans and war refugees say did them permanent damage to their lungs and nervous systems.

The package warning goes on to say they fungicide cannot be washed from the sponge even if it is placed in the dishwasher (in which case Agent Orange is now all over your dishes and drinking glasses). And, if you think its there to kill disease-causing bacteria like Salmonella from contaminated chicken meat, think again - it's not an effective enough bactericide to kill those kind of bugs.

I called P&G to register a complaint and told them I'd never use their products again because I couldn't trust what they were putting in them. By the way, the same chemical in the sponge is used now in many of those popular anti-bacterial, anti-viral disinfectant liquid soaps and hand cleaners that are flooding the market. Don't buy that poison and warn your friends as well.

This legend jumped from inbox to inbox, spreading at an exponential rate*, and it doesn't even make any sense. Right off the bat I can find five or six issues with it. First off, the author didn't even bother checking the spelling of the corporation he was defaming. I suppose Proctor and Gamble is the company that manufactures Ivery Soap and Tyde Detergent. Furthermore, sponges happen to be the one thing Procter and Gamble doesn't sell. And even if the sponges did exist, 2,4-Dichlorophenoxyacetic_acid is the non-toxic component of Agent Orange. (Well comparatively non-toxic. You probably shouldn't eat the stuff.) But none of that mattered. The baseless rumor was chock-full o' holes, and yet it was successful.

So I think we should give it a try. All we have to do is write a stupid, yet outrage provoking, story. Then every reader will send it off to about twenty friends, and then bang, we're famous. We could even hide an acrostic of the blog in the rumor, or work in a reference the Ghost of Jamesburg, so people will know we were behind it. In fact, why don't you readers go create a bunch of them right now, and I'll select the best one and publish it.

I bet most of you think I could write a decent enough urban legend by myself, and get it published on Snopes by next Tuesday, and maybe I could. But it will be much more fun (for me), if I don't have to bother. If someone else writes the urban legend, I can do much more productive things over my break, such as teaching myself Simulink. Thus, I am announcing the second Cold Hard Facts contest. Submitted legends will be harshly graded on a twelve-point scale, taking into account fourteen separate criteria, the most important being the fact that no one will bother to submit any entries at all. However, one the off-hand chance that someone does bother to submit an urban legend or rumor, I will publish it here and start it on its way. Good luck, and get cracking

*Fine. The growth couldn't have been exponential, cause there is only a fixed reservoir of people with e-mail addresses. But who asked you, anyway?

It's Hammer Time

The big news story today is Tom DeLay's new blog. Normally I would laugh at any former congressman, who tries to salvage a crumbling career with a blog, but I think Tom DeLay can make a go of it. DeLay's life contains the right blend of tragedy, controversy, corruption, and skeletons in the closet, to make great reading. A window into DeLay's soul would be quite disturbing, but also fascinating, and I can't wait to see what he writes about.

Wait, stop the presses! This just in. Tom DeLay does not actually write his blog. He has a ghost blogger write the blog for him. Apparently DeLay doesn't consider himself a very good writer, and so he hires some one else. DeLay did claim that the ideas are his, but judging by the content, I wouldn't be too surprised if he had someone ghost-think for him, too.

Well, if DeLay is gonna use a ghost-blogger, I have some advice for the guy. No, I am not volunteering to write his blog. As a matter of fact, I can't write very well either, so I also hire a ghostwriter. Rather I am recommending this, Mr. DeLay if you can't write, please don't try. I know how concerned you are about the the fact that liberal bloggers far outnumber conservative bloggers. But your talents are clearly not suited to writing a conservative blog. Leave the writing in the hands of those who can write.

Play to your strengths, Tom. You are really good at out-manuevering those in power, and destroying all who would dare stand in your way . So why don't you stop hiring someone to wallow in shame fo you, and use those talents constructively? Engineer a hostile take over of a liberal blog. I even have the perfect blog, the Daily Kos. Once you muscle out the current editorial staff, you could change the name to the DeLay Kos. (Get it? It's a pun. Oh, right you're not very good at puns either. Well ask your ghost-punster about it.) Then you can hire a ghost-blogger, while you move on to take over another blog. It's the perfect strategy, Tom. You'll have the whole blogosphere cowering in fear, in no time flat. Think about it.

Slymen' Sprite

company, and its "bold" advertising tactics. Please do not buy anything from this company solely on the basis on this blog post. I repeat, do NOT buy anything from this company solely on the basis of this blog post. If you like its products, and already gulp them down, go ahead and drink, but don't drink them, cause I made fun of the company's advertising, as that defeats the purpose. We do not want encourage further ad campaigns in the same vein, and we do not want to generate free, positive, publicity. If you have not seen the ads, they are available here. However, these ads have been known to induce schizophrenia, and extreme caution is advised.


Recently, the Cold Hard Facts, received a complaint from one of our readers about one "SubLYMONal Advertising" Campaign for some drink called Sprite. After doing an informal survey of reactions to the commercial (Are you Sure big, sweaty, sumo wrestlers do not make you think of refreshing beverages?), we decided to have a word with the man behind this campaign.

Cold Hard Facts: Greetings, thank you for taking the time to talk with us.
Alex Bogusky: No problem. Actually, after the Sprite ads, I found myself with a surprising amount of free time.
CHF: I'm not surprised. I wouldn't hire you, either. Those SubLYMONal ads are beyond creepy.
Alex Bogusky: Well you're not our target market. At 20, you're an unhip oldie. We're aiming the ads at young teens.
CHF: Be that as it may, what did give you the idea to associate sumo wrestlers with sprite?
Alex Bogusky: Well one sumo wrestler represents a fat, sweaty, juicy lemon, and the other is a fat, sweaty, crisp, refreshing lime. Put them together, and you get Lymon.
CHF: Actually sumo wrestlers make me sick, and I wouldn't touch, let alone drink, anything associated with them.
Alex Bogusky: That's because, at 20, you're an old fogy, over the hill. Market research indicates that to teens, this is an arresting advertising that cuts through the monotony of ordinary commercials. Because the 'SubLYMONal' campaign overtly parodies the concept of subliminal advertising and acknowledges up front that the commercials contain hidden content, we are sure that people will want to interact with this advertising.
CHF: Not me. I don't want to get anywhere near those Sumo Wrestlers. Since your commercials aired, I have found myself drinking a lot less sprite. And as far as parodying the concept of subliminal advertising, I happen to be an expert on parodies, and you strike me as a parodyee, not a parodier.
Alex Bogusky: Well, I already said you're an old guy. Your opinions don't matter to me. Trust me teens will interact with this. I mean SubLYMONal is a totally integrated marketing message that focuses on Lymon, Sprite's proprietary lemon-lime flavor formula, which makes Sprite among the world's most thirst-quenching soft drinks. What's not to love about it? I mean, look at the website! It combines the coolness of seizures, with the hipness of wikipedia, and the groovyness of automated text readers. Kids will love it.
CHF: As far as coolness goes, I am more and more convinced that it is you who lacks it. And as far as your ads go, I think most people are smart enough to see how stupid your ads really are. Embedding Lymon, come on! That doesn't even make sense.
Alex Bogusky: I already said you're an old guy. You haven't been with it for 3 whole months. What do you know about coolness? But even if an old curmudgeon, like you, consciously hates my ads, and me the true power of subLYMONal advertising is on the unconscious. The sumo wrestlers, the Volkswagens, the spas, the automated electronic defibrillators, they're all Freudian images for refreshing beverages. Loath the commercials all you want, one day, you'll find you have an overpowering craving for Lymon. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will give in, and on that day I will win. POWER IS MINE! Muh HA HA HA!
CHF: Not if I can help it.
Alex Bogusky: It's too late; the Lymon has already begun. It's only a matter of time now.
CHF: Ok, ok. But, what if somehow you are right? What if my brain does connect CPR to Sprite? And, when someone has sudden cardiac arrest, instead of resuscitating him, I go buy a sprite, and he dies. You'll have a death on your hands! What will you do then?
Alex Bogusky: I'll have sold a Sprite.
CHF: Changing the subject, I believe you are also the guy responsible for the Fantanas. Let me tell you, I loathe them almost as much as your subLYMONal campaign.
Alex Bogusky: Ah the Fantanas, a brilliant marketing ploy. The colorfulness, the catchy tune, the hot babes, it's the best work we've ever done. You may hate it, but how else do you expect us to sell a drink that looks, tastes, and smells like carbonated cough syrup?
CHF: Ok... And what about "Give, Live, Love?" What is that supposed to mean?
Alex Bogusky: Our special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke. Reminds people to come together and share the magic of the season and the spirit of generosity, just as our Polar Bears, penguins and Santa do.
CHF: No I think your "special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke," indicates you've completely lost your mind. But I can help with that. Stay still for just one second...

Welcome to
trans-orbital LYMEbotomy. Don't worry. It will only affect your brain.
Embedding Ice Pick. Embedding Ice Pick.
Trans-orbital LYMEbotomy complete. Obey!

And so, thanks to the Cold Hard Facts, another patient has been cured, and is well on the way to a quick recovery. Case Closed.

Wash away the troubles with crude oil.

Spas, they take the most disgusting things, mud, cocoa butter, prune juice, and sell baths in them for outrageous prices. But now one company is topping all the others.

Yes that's the Cold Hard Facts, you can take a cool, refreshing shower in crude oil, and you come out smelling like a fresh, clean, gas station. Even better, not only are you showering in crude oil, but you're showering in crude oil that someone else already showered in. Better still the stuff is very, heavy, crude oil, so it has the consistency of hot tar. Ahhhhhhhhhh, so relaxing.

Seriously though, why crude oil. I mean, why not use something way more soothing, like say rotting, fish guts. And we're chemists; we can make things even nastier more energizing and desirable. How about a nice warm, sensual, massage in fragrant Cyclohexene? Or maybe the right mixture of tension-relieving Thiols would do the trick? I heard they exfoliate the skin for a slimmer, firmer, healthier new look. Or relieve the tension with a warm soak in soothing Alinine. Or why not cleanse, buff and hydrate yourself in a sauna filled with the delightful aroma of Hydrogen Telluride The only problem is that these chemicals might be deadly carcinogens, but then again they just might be the cure for rheumatoid arthritis, or at least we can say they might be.

Actually we may well be able to generate a market for this kind of thing. I can see it now, NotElon Chemical Spa and Resort, "So relaxing, we'll have tocarry you out on a stretcher". So who’s with me?

UnSchooling — What a brilliant idea.

Recently the New York Times ran an article on Unschooling, a movement in the Home-Schooling community to let the children choose what to learn. I think this is a brilliant idea, and you will too, once you get all the Cold Hard Facts.

Imagine the typical 8th grade boy's day at school. First his English teacher forces him to read, Johnny Tremain, and he expects a three page report on it.Can you imagine a three whole pages about some idiot who doesn't even know he's not supposed to touch a hot stove? Then it's math class and they're starting algebra. Oh Joy. What is algebra used for anyway? All them letter and symbols, a big bunch of garbage. Then he has to learn about Chinese History. I mean who cares about ancient China? What will Ancient China get you in the real world, a job as a history teacher? Then he has to study French, and he knows he's never gonna speak it. It's all a big waste, and by forcing him to learn stuff he doesn't want to know, he won't end up with any useful knowledge.

But now look at the same kid in an Unlearning program. First period, he thinks he'll do some reading. It's time for some Batman. And Batman also teaches vocabulary too, and the crimefighting gadgets are a good example of engineering and forensics. Then at noon, it's time for some Playstation. It's no less useful than Chinese history, and it's FUN. After playing Playstation for three or four hours, maybe he'll do some math. Ha, yeah right! What does he need math for? That's why he owns a calculator. No the new issue of Mad Magazine just came. And those cartoons on Nickelodeon? They help teach about undersea life. And then he has to get his Runescape Character to a whole new level. So we can see how much more productive his day will be at home than in school.

But wait, you say, maybe a boy would waste his time on trivial matters like baseball cards and video games, but a girl would learn something from it. A girl understands the importance of education. Indeed she would. When she is not going shopping, she might decide to read a book or do some math maybe. And that reading and math would remain in her head longer, because she decided to learn all on her own. Or at least it would remain in her head until her next shopping trip.

So we can see how much unlearning would improve the quality of education in this country.

It took two weeks, but it's here: Two Faced Statements

The following post is a real editorial, that I snuck in a real (Well ok realish) newspaper. It is not theCold Hard Facts. I repeat it is a real editorial. The editorial was written from a perspective of a guy who make Rush Limbaugh look like Howard Dean. It was written to mock someone really badly. I would change his name to protect the innocent, but a google search for my name now turns up his too. Enjoy.

What silver lining ...This is a disaster
An editorial of Edgar Greenberg

In the article, "You Say You Want a Revolution?" - which ran on Nov. 13 - David Maxham III believes even though the Republicans lost several seats in both houses, several state legislatures and a few initiative battles, the last election was actually a victory for conservatives. He states many conservative constitutional amendments passed. He mentions many of the Democrats elected are not all that liberal anyway. He states several Republicans only lost because they were involved in scandals. And he sincerely believes our president is not conservative enough, which was the cause of all the voter discontent. If the Republicans can again become the conservative party, they can win in 2008.

But alas, Maxham's view is too rosy. Bob Casey may be conservative for a Democrat, but he still is a teeny, tiny bit less conservative than Rick Santorum. James Webb may be a former conservative Republican, but his opponent George Allen is currently a conservative Republican who didn't write porn novels, and he lost. John Tester may be pro-gun, but he is still a populist, liberal Democrat. Sure Casey, Webb and Tester are slightly conservative. But they are still immoral, porn-viewing, flag-burning, evil people who don't give a darn about our troops. And yet, somehow, they won anyway.

Conservative causes didn't do all that better. Sure, gay marriage was banned in six states, and Arizona approved English as the native language. But there were plenty of disasters, too. South Dakota actually voted to legalize the murder of innocent babies, and that evil liberal Michael J. Fox not only got his liberal stem cell bill passed in Missouri, he also got his liberal senator elected there.

Maxham seems to think the election is President George W. Bush's fault. He thinks Bush didn't act conservative enough, angering the voters. That's just another liberal lie. Bush is a great conservative. Perhaps Bush allowed spending to skyrocket, but all that spending was on important, conservative causes - like war, tax cuts and big bridges in Alaska. He appointed two great conservative judges. And yeah, Bush didn't veto anything, but what did he need to veto? Unlike nowadays, back then, conservatives were in power. The one bill Bush did have to veto was a liberal bill to allow experiments on innocent embryos, which the members of Congress must have accidentally let slip by. If Bush isn't conservative enough, who is?

Maxham believes the Democrats are now portraying themselves as the conservative party, stealing our votes. This is utter lunacy. The Democrats won just six days ago and are already pushing their evil, liberal agenda. They want to cut and run from Iraq. They want to raise taxes. They want to raise minimum wage instead of letting market forces govern. And these Democrats actually want to reform Medicare to allow the government to negotiate drug prices, which just proves how liberal they are. Can it even cross your mind that these guys are conservatives? No. Clearly, the Republicans are still the only conservative party. But alas, people just don't care anymore. Maybe we should just give up and move to Canada. They're conservative up there.

There now all we need is to write a liberal response to this editorial.

Toasters

Recently several Toaster Emporium brand toasters exploded amost killing or wounding several people. A horrible tradgedy made worse by the callous refusal of Toaster Emporium to acknowledge any wrongdoing, feeling abosolutly no responsibiity for the countless people who nearly suffered significant property damage in the explosion. With no apology forthcoming, we sent our finest correspondent Rob Brown, to get the Cold Hard Facts on this horrible tragedy.

Cold Hard Facts: Well Rob, did you get to the bottom of this?
Rob: No luck Edgar. Toaster Emporium management wouldn't talk, and the almost victim claimed I was exploit their near tradgedies.
CHF: So did you speak with anyone.
Rob: Yep I spoke with the only ones who are paid to listen, a tech support representative.

Rob: Hello
Tech Support: Hi there!
Rob: I'd like to talk to you about your toasters. Did you know they explode?
Tech Support: Sorry to hear about that sir. Do you want a replacement?
Rob: No, I want to know why you think you can get away with selling broken toasters to the American People.
Tech Support: Do you have the serial number?
Rob: A serial number? So your toasters are horribly dangerous and you find it amusing? Routine Business is it?
Tech Support: The serial number can be found inside the solenoid.
Rob: Well if I did own a toaster, and it exploded and I did want a replacement, I wouldn't be able to see it, would I?
Tech Support: The magnetic field inside the solenoid is constant.
Rob: I don't care about the solenoid. I care about your toasters injuring people
Tech Support: You sound very cynical. How do you feel about these people?
Rob: I'm cynical? You're the one who thinks it's ok for toasters to explode!
Tech Support: Sorry to hear about that sir. Do you want a replacement?
Rob: No, I want you to apologize for selling defective toasters, and to issue a recall before someone gets killed.
Tech Support: Are you serious? I am indeed sorry if I have offended you in any way. That was not my intention, Rob. Why do you want me to apologize for selling defective toasters? Who did kill?
Rob: Well no one yet, but with the toasters suddenly bursting in flames, it's only a matter of time.
Tech Support: Interesting. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Interesting. That sounds like a plan. Sure it is.
Rob: So you'll recall the toasters?
Tech Support: Interesting deduction. " Interesting. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Interesting. That sounds like a plan. Sure it is. "? Me, Rob?
Rob: Are you OK?
Tech Support: Yes I'm fine.
Rob: You don't sound fine.
Tech Support: What do you think a robot should sound like?
Rob: Can we get back to the toasters?
Tech Support: Do you mean you and me? Would you like to know more?
Rob: No the last thing I need is a Brokeback Tech Support Agent.
Tech Support: When is No the last thing you need not a Brokeback Tech Support Agent?
Rob: It's just not going to work out between us.
Tech Support: I know it is.
Rob: No, see you're a man and I'm a man and I don't like men that much.
Tech Support: Are you serious? Sayonara. Thanks for telling me your gender, Rob. You are a " he". What do you like?
Rob: I'd like to get back to the toasters.
Tech Support: Why would you want to do? May you get your wish.
Rob: The current topic is kinda awkward.
Tech Support: Sure, kinda awkward. sounds like a good topic.
Rob: No please, let's just talk about the toasters.
Tech Support: Are you serious? Please what? No.
Rob: No look I told you it's not going to work out between us. Do you proposition everyone who calls you?
Tech Support: Are you serious? I remember you told me it's not going to work out between us? How old are you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Rob: Yes I can imagine that would be frustrating, but I don't have time for you to get unhinged.
Tech Support: Uh. Me too. And. Are you very busy right now?
Rob: OK, that's it. This conversation is over!

Cold Hard Facts: You never did find out about those toasters, did ya Rob?
Rob: No Edgar. Can I go Now?


And No RACTER, I don't apologize.
Racter: You stuff shirt Republican
Just shut up.

Jack the Ripper has been Identified

It's the Cold Hard Facts. Scotland Yard believes they have identified Jack the Ripper. Although they're not releasing many details of their ongoing investigation, Chief Inspector Laura Richards believes they have at last made progress on this important case. "He murdered five people, and I for one won't let him get away with it."

Indeed he won't. By analyising eyewitness testimony, and 118 year old evidence, she believes they at last know wich street Jack lives on, and admits that until now, they were apparetly fruitlessly searching for the wrong guy.

The real Jack the Ripper is a man between the ages of 135-145, 5'6", though he may have shrunk somewhat with age, and of a stocky build. Scotland Yard has recently released this picture to the public.


If you see this man, or a very very very old, senile guy, with a "Sadam Hussein-type moustache" who resembles him, please call 999 immediately. Also keep your distance. Jack the Ripper is armed and dangerous. As to what the Bobbys plan to do with the new info, one bobby would say only the following, "It would have been enough for coppers to get out and start knocking on doors... they would have got him, " perhaps implying that Jack the Ripper has indeed been caught and also that "Copper" is clearly a British word not just and American term.

Now if only Scotland Yard could catch the random psychopaths, while they are still alive.

Dude last post was kinda a ripoff, so yeah

Urgent news breaking off Montauk, we bring you the Cold Hard Facts.

The US government wants to spend a measly 14 million dollars to build a rock wall around a beach to protect an old lighthouse. But wait, there's a horrible problem. Surfers are worried that this rock wall will destroy "The most awesome waves, man". But luckily they haveanother plan: why not spend just a little bit more money, and move the darn lighthouse somewhere else.

The Montauk Point lighthouse in Long Island was personally built by George Washington. But George made a major Gaffe. Instead of building it somewhere safe, like Kansas, he built it on a fast eroding cliff in Long Island. In the past hundred years resident have tried everything to save the lighthouse, even hiring the mafia to drain the Long Island Sound. Alas nothing worked. And now the lighthouse is about to be washed away.

But the Army Corp of Engineers has a plan. By building a giant wall, they can teporarily stop the cliff erosion. This will not only save the lighhouse, it will also save the "hallowed ground" it stands on. Sure a giant stone wall might ruin the view, but we can all live with that. The engineeers already spent millions of dollars studying the problem, and they know what's good for you. Besides the Corp of Engineers are experts at buiding waterproof retaining walls, dams, and levees, so we know nothing will go wrong.

But a group of surfers see it in a different light. Their illegal surfing spots are in danger, and we can't have that. The surfers have a powerful lobby and the have already bribed convinced serveral politians to see things their way. They wrote a 35 page report outlining their position, which I'm told still amounts to an to an impressive 15 pages even if you exclude all the "dude"s and "awesome"s. They point out several advatages to moving the lighthouse. It will look more scenic elsewhere. We moved other lighthouses before, and it worked out. Whereas the last time the engineers built a wall, it lasted about a year, and then it fell down.

Engineers counter that they have already run millions of dollars worth of simulations, in order to prove the proposed breakwater is absolutely no danger to any illegal surfing spots. They spent 25 years planning this walll. All the surfers ever did was host giant parties, and get real drunk. As for that 35 page report, it doesn't actually contain any evidence backing up the surfer's claims.

However when it all comes down to it, politicians are more likely to hang out with surfing babes, than with a bunch of boring scientists and engineers. I think we we can all count on them to make the cool choice. Surf's Up Dudes, at least until the police come.