Too crazy even to be a Morman?

It's true. Brigham Young University found Steven Jones to be a total loony and asked him to resign. This is unfair. Steven Jones is a respected physicist, whose brilliant work on Cold Fusion paved the way for a brighter tomorrow. His untiring investigative work on the true cause of the collapse on the Twin Towershas been an inspiration to us all. Most importantly his essay "Behold My Hands: Evidence for Christ's Visit in Ancient America" is a brilliant piece of satire, and for that alone he should be given full tenure. Still not convinced? Then it's time for the Cold Hard Facts

Steven Jones has plenty of evidence to support his conspiracy theory. He believes fires should not be able to produce molten metal. And even if the fires could melt aluminum, it would be silvery not yellow. Ergo, the molten metal could only have come from a thermite reaction. And you know what else, analysis of the debris showed it was primarily from aluminium and Iron, the same elements in thermite. There is no other plausible source for these elements.

And Steven Jones has already identified the culprits. In this article appearing between Israel used chemical weapons in Lebanon and Gaza and Israel used White Phosphorous bombs during War in Lebanon, just above Israel used Bubonic Plague during War in Lebanon, he states he believes that the "international banking cartel" is behind the attacks. Can you believe that this innocent warning about First Fidelity and Bank of America, was taken by us Jews as an indication of his anti-Semitism? I mean really, not every evil Zionist International Banking Cartel member is Jewish, and even if they are how was poor Steven Jones supposed to know that. Just because he stated an anti-Semitic view on an anti-Semitic website doesn't make him an anti-Semite; he was just speculating.

Dumping Steven Jones will cast doubt on all his scientific research into Cold Fusion and Mormonism. And worse his bad name will forever tarnish these once pristine areas of research. As fellow scientists we cannot let that happen. Once a physicist, always a physicist.

Fantasize Away

Recently a new web site has been unveiled, which turns congress from the most boring bunch of 535 old dudes you ever met, into an exciting recreational activity. Just like Fantasy Football only more pointless, here you draft legislators into your dream team congress and rack up points based on each one's ERA. Ted Kennedy, for example can't rush for his life and thus scores nothing, whereas Mark Foley the hottest QB around until, you know, has, or rather had, gobs of them. Even though every other news station has picked up the story, it's not too late for a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

I decided to make my own team just to see how it's done. After registering, I carefully drafted a team of real winners, thoroughly, scrolling down through the long list of names, slowly vetting each dossier. I believe the whole thing took an hour or more, but it was worth it. My success as a coach depended on it.

With the team formed, I waited anxiously for them to start leaving my opponents in the dust. But apparently unlike football players, my congressmen can get away with taking breaks, and in fact, they're all on recess in Cancun. Not one single motion to lower taxes, reform social security, or even to assassinate the president of Turkmenistan, all of which would score me a cool 15 points. But nope, nothing.

I sent letters, but my men continued to lounge. I sent email after email begging them to come back. I made inspiration speeches over the telephone. When nothing else worked, I even went to congress and personally begged our team to start passing laws again, but they just got their lackey, Fred, to throw me out and order me never to step foot in Washington, DC again.

So that's it. 15 entire hours of my life wasted. Fine guys don't win. Don't even make the playoffs off of the wildcard. Don't even win a single game. You guys are a bunch of no good losers. But why do I care? It's not like you're really my team anyway. Fantasy congress, what a stupid idea. Ah well at least the T-shirt was zazziling.

So there you have it, my affair and violent breakup with fantasy congress. I'm kinda distressed over the whole thing, so I think I'll call it a night.

Technical difficulties

Today's blog post would have been the greatest yet, but alas it was canceled due to technical difficulties.

Golden Anniversary Jubilee Postravagnza

Guess which post this is? Post 37! That's right, for over 39 years this blog has been bringing you the Cold Hard Facts. Men have grown and died on this blog. Careers have been made and ruined. Laws were made and broken, and all without ever telling a lie.

Remember way back when none of the posts made the slightest bit of sense? Or how about the time when we had a record number of comments. Or that time I accidently told the truth and was forced to let someone else blog. Or that time I got real drunk, and posted those pictures I'd rather not talk about. Not to mention all those pointless debates and interviews. Good times Good times.

You we have had a long and laurel filled run. But all good things must come to an end. So I am announcing my resignation, pending Thursday. That's right, I am throwing in the towel. To gIve the young ones a chance. Plus my advisors told me should keep a low profile while that lawsuit is going on. Don't try to talk me out of it; I have already made my decision.

But of course I couldn't have done it without you dear readers. Yes, you made this blog what it is today. We've been through a lot together. We were there for each other, through thick and thin. Thanks for all you mail and helpful criticism. It's been a good run. I'm going to miss you.

They Read My Blog!

A few days ago, we blogged a story about Wal-Mart hiring bloggers to write propaganda about their company. In it, I expressed a small amount of surprise that someone would write propaganda for free. I mentioned that if it had been me, I would have demanded about $2,200 from Wal-Mart. Well Wal-Mart is at it again, but this time they hired people who know the Cold Hard Facts. That's right Wal-Mart hired our regular Contributors, "Washington Post photographer James Thresher and galpal Laura St. Claire." (By the way, James, Laura, thanks for you work on that Ouija board article. It was apppreciated ;-).) They did just as I suggested, and Wal-Mart paid!

Jim Thresher's blog Wal-Marting Across America about a cheerful couple who drive around national parks, camping out at the nearest Wal-Mart, and cheerfully blogging about the accommodations. "When they say restrooms are for paying customers only, you don't have to be a big paying customer. You can buy one of those $2 chatchkas made by starving children in a sweatshop in Malaysia. And really if you gotta go the whole thing is only a formality. That nice cashier doesn't want piss all over her clean floor anymore than you do," one such pleasant post began.

For a while everything was all good. But then some no-good evil stinkers came and reavealed the obvious. Of couse, no couple would write cheery stories about Wal-Mart out of free will, but you guys didn't have to spill the beans. No you busybodies have to get involved with everything. Go ahead and mock two poor innocent people who were merely following my sage advice, and got a paid vacation out of the deal. You muckrakers and truthseekers disgust me.

But now, Jim is throwing a curveball at us. He's planning to give back the money, just because it was wrong to accept it. Jim, HOW DARE YOU GIVE THAT BRIBE.If you do that, your enemies will have won. Your eyes have already been blinded and your righteousness has already been corrupted. It's too late to repent and come clean. You might as well keep the cool 2 thoundand bucks you earned. After all, you earned it. They made you sleep in filthy Wal-Mart parking lots like a hobo.

You would have proudly cherished the money as long as no one found out about it. And you should still cherish the money now that it ruined you career. If you give back the money, you'll be no better than any of those other people we made fun of together. But if you keep it, if you say "Yeah Wal-Mart paid me to write cheery mush stories, but I made two thousand bucks and you didn't neener neener", you'll be the kind of scoundrel the Cold Hard Facts can be proud of. And that goes double for your wife girlfriend galpal.

I urge everyone to write in, and talk James Thresher and Laura St. Claire out of their madness.

An outrage to Greater Washingtonians everywhere

Recently the Greater Washington Transit Authority ran the following campaign.
The New York Times and these guys wrote articles implying the ads are insulting to Plato's Republic. But those guys are dead wrong. The ads aren't insulting to Romance Novels; they're insulting to Greater Washingtonians. And as a Greater Washingtonian, I am personally outraged.

Why is ad so insulting to us Greater Washingtonians you ask? Let me reveal the Cold Hard Facts. First off, the ad campaign implies that Greater Washingtonians aren't cool. While the "Average Subway reading" is a modern book. prehaps the latest in thing. The Greater Washingtonian is so uncool, he's reading Plato. Plato was written like 5 hundred years ago. It's hopelessly out of date. This ad is inmplying we're still stuck in Roman times, a gross slander.

Next, this ad is implying Greater Washintonians don't read. The "Average Reader" is cleaarly immersed in his engrossing book, probably part of a huge collection. But the "Greater Washingtonian" is reading Plato's Republic, one of those books no one would read if it was not on his high school reading list. And The poor guy is over forty years old, yet he only finishes his high school reading now? Is this implying that Greater Washingtonians can't make it through high school until we are 45? That's just too low.

You know what else? The ad is trying to strike a blow at our religion. The greater Washingtonian is reading a book by Plato , an immoral pagan. I don't know much about the other book, but I bet it has the words "Oh, God" in it a lot. This is implying that other cities are more religious and moral than we Greater Washingtonians. That, that is the most, unkindly cut of all. I'll you know Greater Washingtonians read a lot of regious books like trashy romance novels. Whatever company dared to say that about us, better take it all back now or there will be trouble. Mark my words we won't take religious slander lying down.

So clearly the ad is mocking us on all fronts. And I say as Greater Washingtonians, we can't take this lying down. We must unite. We stand together, Greater Washingtonians. And we demand an apology.

Five days passes by so fast, or at least I think it does.

In honor of the upcoming elections we have a candidate from the Florida 4th district, who though a little behind in the polls may just be able to take advantage of current events and catch up. Please welcome Future Represenative Steven Abbott to the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: You will catch up won't you?
Steve: Yes I think so. It is in range of possibility.
CHF: Good, cause we don't interview losers on the Cold Hard Facts So you're from the Waver Party? What issues do you take a stand on?
Steve: Well there's the war in Iraq, it uh isn't going so well, I don't think. Well, no, I guess is is too close to call. But it doesn't look like it's going well, at least I'm not sure, I think it's going well. And, well taxes are too high. Well no maybe they're too low now that I think about it. But over all, in a general sort of way, the country is going in the wrong direction sometimes. You know what I'm saying?
CHF: Not really, no. Um you've been attacked or rather mocked for your campaign ad. You don't see any problems with it.
Steve; Is it too harsh? I'm sorry if I hurt anyone feeling, even if they possibly deserved it.
CHF: No, I don't think that is the problem. Here is the ad.

Mark Foley harassed little kids, or so I've heard. The other guy took bribes, we believe. Don't vote for the crooks, unless you really, really want to. Vote for Steven Abbott, the somewhat honest choice. He probably wouldn't harass boys, and he would never take bribes, at least we don't think he would. Steven Abbott, quite possibly, has worked tirelessly to make the country what it is today. Vote Abbott in 06, please. "I'm Steven Abbott, and I think I approve of this message."

You see the problem with it?
Steve: Sort of.
CHF: Have you guys ever actually taken a stand on anything?
Steve: Yes! No! I don't Know!
CHF: Don't you think voters may want someone who can make up his mind?
Steve: It's hard to say.
CHF: You know, you are starting to sound like a loser.
Steve: I'm not so sure about that.
CHF: Well I am. Scram!
Steve: Well ok, if you're absolutley positive. So I guess this means you probably won't endorse me, huh?

It's in the blood

Recently this blog ran a story about a cripplingly debilitating lentil shortage, causing mass starvation in Queens. In reference to this tragic piece of news, one reader asked us why anyone would even want to eat lentils, as they are poisonous. The answer is simple. According to the genuine Dr. D'Adamo, Lentils are poisonous, but only to certain people. Lentils are deadly if your blood type is "O" or "B', especially if you are a secretor. Type "A" people however should eat lentils until the lentils come out of their ears.

But why does a person's diet depend on his blood type anyway? The exact details are available only to those acolytes wise enough to see the path of Dr. D'Adamo to buy his books, but luckily there are some such morons on Wikipedia. Apparently foods have proteins called Lectins which stick to the sugars present on Red-Blood Cell, or in the case of type "O" blood stick to the absence of sugars on the cells. Then the cells clump together and clog capillaries, sort of like an attack of sickle cell anemia, only more painful.

Some pessimists think that this whole Blood type diet is just a scheme by a doctor who "couldn't cure his way out of a paper bag" to sell all sorts of worthless health junk at inflated prices, but they are missing the point. These guys don't need evidence or knowledge to dispense dietary advice, as long as they pretend to have it. They're mavericks fighting against the system, and as such they're automatically right.

But criticism also comes from more serious source. Followers of the PETA diet criticize the Eat Right 4 Your Type Diet, believing meat to be unhealthy. With two agenda driven, "alternative", health sources at loggerheads, how do we know which one to believe? We can't. All we can do is keep striving to discover the Cold Hard Facts.

The Schedule. Wait, This Blog has a Schedule?

In the beginning, posts came regularly, whenever I felt like it. They came quite frequently, like clockwork, every year or so. However one week, I accidently ruined everything by posting twice, and the hits declined by an order of magnitude. Now I've decided to erratically post every monday and either on Wednesdays or Fridays, perhaps both if I am begged enough. Tommorow, however, expect an extra long post sometime after 8:00 PM, when I will not be exausted from fasting at least 25 hours.

The pervious paragraph was not an Editor's Note in traditional Cold Hard Factian. The note will not be repeated below in English, for all the new readers. Even if you point this out, you can write the next post.

In the beginning, this blog's posting schedule was erratic and crazy, with the average time between posts being one month. Now however, I have decided, that I will regularly post on Mondays, and also either post on Wednesdays or Fridays. If enough readers write in and beg me to post on both Wednesdays and Fridays, I may well end up posting on both. After all, the blog is quite fun to write. This schedule will begin next week. Do not expect a post on Monday, not even after 8:00 PM. I will probably not have sufficient energy to write one, or at least not to write a good one, and therefore won't.

The previous paragraph did indeed contain may true sentences. However I am not counting it as a post. Please do not write in, and demand to know why I didn't lie. You will not be granted next time's post. Sorry about the truth. It won't happen again. Don't write in about this paragraph either.

Dangerous Lentil Shortage will Lead to War

Once again a serious problem is almost completely ignored by the media. The following in a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

In a malicious attempt to starve half the country, India has decided to ban all exports of lentils. As lentils grow scarcer and scarcer, the price has shot up to $4.00 a gallon, and many in-the-know feel it will only get higher.” Lentils are a non-renewable resource, and we should have seen the coming a long time ago. As demand begins to exceeds supply and production tips over the point of no return lentil-wise, price shoots through the roof." said one economist.

People will have to begin to explore alternate sources of food, he continued. Those lucky enough to be in the in the chick-pea business iare counting on this; they believe it to be only a matter of time before Arabs, Indians and Sephardim are forced to choose their product. "Now that they can't get lentils, all those deserters will have to come crawling back, and we'll give them their chick peas. Yes we'll give them their chick peas, we'll just demand blood in return," said one wholesaler in jubilation.

But many people won't settle for anything less. "Lentils are among the king of foods, and no matter what price they are people will buy them," said one man we interviewed. "I'd rather starve than eat chick peas," said another. Culinary experts agree that lentils are unique foods. "Comparing Indian lentils with chick pea is like comparing the finest French wines with tap water," one chef told us. "If I stopped serving lentils, war would break out said another."

Some wholesalers have begun to turn to the black market, in order to meet the demand. "It's no secret that many of the lentils on my shelves left India illegally," one grocery store owner told us. "One of my suppliers told me he stuffs as many lentils as he can fit into his pants and make a run for Pakistan. It's wrong, but what can I do? People need lentils," he said apologetically. The Indian government has confirmed the smuggling rumors. "We know they're there, but there's not much we can do about it," one Indian customs agent told us.

But even the smugglers can't meet the demand, and several men are worried about the consequences. "We all know what happened after the last lentil shortage in 1939," said John Smith a professor of revisionist history at NYU. "There's no reason to think it won't happen again." No one knows how long it will be until Poland is invaded again, but unless India opens its borders, it is only a matter of time.

As always, remember if even one sentence in these posts is not the Cold Hard Facts, and you catch it, you get to write the next post.

The Amazing Emperor Kreskitine

As you all know, the Amazing Kreskin, has recently presented a free seminar to Indiana police officers. Called ICOPS, or Intuitive Cops Observational Preparedness Seminars “ICOPS, it also has much to do with plasma physics and little to do with real science. Never a blog to miss free conferences, we go live with our correspondent, John Smith, who has been patiently waiting on the scene for a week for us to conduct the interview. Kreskin, as you know, believes the whole universe is connected by some kind of "Four-Dimensional Force", so the conference should be quite interesting. This is The Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: John did you have trouble gaining entrance?
John Smith: Nah, I disguised myself as some kind of trooper; fit right in.
CHF: What exactly did the Amazing Kreskin speak about?
JS: He prefers to be known as the Grand Emperor Kreskitine. It makes him feel important.
CHF: Okay what is Emperor Kreskitine's opinion on Psychic Policing.
JS: Only that it is quite effective at "bringing order to the galaxy," as it's called. You see he believes we should have a special secret division of the police called the "intuitive COPs" or "ICOPS". These ICOPS will specialize in tuning in "intuition when dealing with daily law enforcement situations." Just watch how ICOPS improve the standard good cop/bad cop routine.

Good ICOP: You will tell me where you were on the night of the 27th of June.
Criminal: I will tell you whe...
Bad ICOP: Confess NOW. I want the truth!
Criminal: [achhhhh, gag choke. Couch splutter gag]. [gasp gasp] OK I Confess!!

JS: See how effective that is. But that's not all. Darth Kreskus believes if you focus your mind and concentrate your anger, you can actually tune yourself to the power of your enemy, mentally locate which planet he is hiding on, and then turn him to the Cop Side of the Force.
CHF: Sound Impressive ... Most impressive.
JS: Yes, but law enforcement is only the beginning; you wouldn't believe the ideas he has.
CHF: Like what?
JS: Power for one; the republic is weak and crumbling. Now is the chance to seize the reigns of power, to unite the worlds under a new empire. No one will stand before the power of the COP side of the Force. And Emperor Kreskitine is the man/thing to harness this power. Just read his bio. His is the true path to greatness. He can read a book in 15 minutes! You don't know the power of the COP side! Obey Kreskitine or DIE. CHF, I am your father.
CHF: Um Ok... You wouldn't happen to have pictures of the conference would you?
JS:

This is Emperor Kreskitine showing off his mental prowess.
JS: And this guy in black is the first of Kreskin's ICOPS, here showing off his interrogation techniques.

You certainly can't argue with that guy!
CHF: No I suppose not. Well, I think we should quit while we're ahead, so we won't even bother showing that trooper disguise John Smith used.

Reading Ability

In response to this article on the reading skills of New Yorkers, we decided to interview Richard P. Mills, New York commissioner of Education to get all the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard FactsMr. Mills your study found that the reading ability of New Yorkers is inversely proportional to age.
Richard P. Mills: Well sort of, but only after fifth grade. Let's start from the beginning.
CHF: The beginning?
RPM: We surgically implated various books of all reading levels into the wombs of 150 pregnant women and one hippy. Fifteen days later we implanted blue essay books and number 2 pencils, and asked the fetuses to each write a short essay describing their book. Results were disastrous.
CHF: In what way?
RPM: Apparently fetuses cannot read or write, but lawyers can. It seems, when in vivo, pencils and notebooks can do quite a bit of damage to both mother and fetus. As if we were supposed to realize that!
CHF: Yes what about after the New Yorker is born?
RPM: Well for the first four years of a baby's life he or she can't read anything at all. But around the fifth year a major breakthrough is achieved with the conquering of Pup Jumps in Mud by Bud Lumpkin or something similar. From there, Cat in the Hat is accomplished in first grade followed by Amelia Bedelia, Sheldon Silverstein's poems, and so on, up to the pinnacle of reading acuity around fifth grade when, the average student is able to read War and Peace.
CHF: War and Peace by Tolstoy?
RPM: Yes, although she can't actually understand any of it. But the average sixth grader can't even read War and Peace, let alone understand it and it all goes downhill from there.
CHF: How far?
RPM: By the time the average New Yorker enters graduate school, he could barely make out a single word in this blog.
CHF: That's Pretty bad. Is there any hope for New York?
RPM: Interestingly enough, if you only look at comic books and video game strategy guides, the average reading level increases year after year, at least among men. So I propose The New York department of Education make a first person shooter game called Tolstoy, and War and Peace would be it's strategy guide. That would pretty well cover the "War" part of it, anyway.
CHF: And for girls?
RPM: We'll make a "Peace" fashion magazine.

It's Scandalous!

Due to some rumors going around about Lee Siegel, I have come back early from my vaction to answer questions about whether I too commented on my own posts, in order to make myself look better. The short answer is no I have not, do not, and will not make up comments under assumed names stating how glorious I am. I have not, do not, and will not write make up comments under assumed names staing how much I suck either. And, I have not, do not, and will not make of comments to attack the authors of other comments be they real comments or comments I did not make up.

Even if I did comment on my own blogs, which I didn't, I would never give myself away by saying I'm funnier than Jon Stewart. That's just a foolish thing to write, even though it may well be true; things like that can get you into trouble. In addition if I did write comments under a pseudonym, which I don't, I would certainly would be a lot more subtle than this guy. I mean it's so obvious jhscwartz is really Lee Siegal.

You readers know as controversial and comment provoking as my posts may be, I am committed to dishing out the Cold Hard Facts, and I would never decieve you reader in such a manner, and nor should you readers tolerate being suckered in such a manner.

To quote sprezzatura, "I'm not Lee Siegel, you imbecile," and truer words have never been spoken.

Another Day, Another Dollar

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from SlaveofMcDonald.blogspot.com. It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

So how did my very interesting day go today? I can see you are very impatient to know.

Well, I walked in the door about 6:30 AM. Started making burgers. Made burgers for about 3 hours, nothing to eventful happened. Then about 12 or 1 we got a call for a special order. Guy apparently wants a deluxe McBurger with the works and a side of fries plus a large coke. Willing to pay us big bucks for it. So what's the catch? Meat got to be made with the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices, and we're not a freaking KFC. Sounds to me like a prank call. But that doesn't stop the manager. No! He thinks he can make an easy $200.

So he sends emily to the local KFC to bring back the herbs. Meanwhile I'm arguing with him the whole thing is stupid, and we don't get paid enough to break into someone else's resturant and steal their spice rack. But the idiot won't listen. Keeps whistling to himself. "We're gonna be rich" We're going to be rich.

Why do all my managers have to be such idiots?

Well Em gets herself busted, ends up in the slammer. It all comes back to us, manager goes off on an "errand" and im the one who has to deal with it. Police don't finish with me till 2 AM. And all for a lousy $5 an hour. Wish I stayed in school. Oh and the guy didn't even like the burger; said all them herbs made him nauseous.

At least I got a blog entry out of the whole thing.

Again they give terrorists information!

As stated previously the editor is on vacation. The following article and first few comments come from IhateNewYorkTimes.blogspot.com. It was chosen due to its unbiased nature and dedication to the Cold Hard Facts.

It's unbelievable. On 9/11 exactly five years after they betrayed our country to Al Qaida, New York Times reporters MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT hand over another important piece of information to enemies. By revealing that companies employ people to masquerade as a customer in order obtain telephone his records illegally, it makes it that much harder for the FBI to do the same thing. We were this close to obtaining Bin Laden, but no you blew it, MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT. What does your editor think he runs, an information source.

As the article further revealed, private detectives often hire these companies to find out if a client's wife is committing Adultery. Adultery is a serious scourge, and this tool gave us the edge in stopping it. But now that MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT spilled the beans, detectives will have to use something else. So wives can now cheat all they want, and we can't do a thing about it. I suppose MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT are proud of themselves, getting rid of America's Moral Values one step at a time.

But worse, your paper will put the phone companies on guard, so they won't give out our confidential information to intruders, and some off those intruders could be the FBI. Before all the FBI had to do to get Verizon to hand over Osama's phone records was call Verizon and have someone pretend to be Bin Laden. Verizon would fall for the ruse, hand over the records, and then we might be able to nab him. But now the Verizon Customer Service People will be on their guards, they'll want proof that an FBI agent is Bin Laden, and he won't be able to get the call records.

First reveal the wiretapping. Then reveal the secret prisons. After that tell the whole world we torture people. Now this. You might as well demoralize the entire American people by telling them how badly we are losing the war in Iraq. Oh wait, you do that too. This has to stop.

And you know what else is wrong with this article. This article written on September 11, 2006, exactly five years after Osama Bin Laden crashed planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, neglects to mention how far we've come in the war on terror, just to make Bush look bad. It doesn't even mention 9/11; I guess MATT RICHTEL and MIGUEL HELFT don't care about the orphans.

Mr. President if these newspapers are going to fight dirty, you've got to fight dirty too. I want you to declare martial law on the New York Times. This is wartime, Mr. President; there can be no half-measures. President Adams had congress pass a law to shut down newspapers when it wasn't even wartime, and historians consider this Adam's finest hour. When war came to President Lincoln, he shut down papers too. The longer you let the NY Times flagrantly defame you, he harder it will be on the American People. Seize the moment. MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW MARTIAL LAW!

Editor's Note

I, Edgar "NotElon" Greenberg will be out of town on business for the next few weeks. I have tried to obtain substitute bloggers during my absence. They have agreed to license their posts to this blog for free. These bloggers will stick to my same regular schedule, and are just as committed to the Cold Hard Facts as I am. At the top of each post will be the real actual blog where it came from. These other bloggers will not be me in disguise. I am really going. This is not some gimmick for me to write about something completely different.

Edgar

Oh to visit the moon!

Appearing today on the Cold Hard Facts is a special guest, who will explain to us why NASA never landed on the Moon. Please welcome Ted Donnig.
CHF: So Ted, why do you think the Moon Landings are fake.
Ted: Well it's like when you see a magic trick, and you know that the magician didn't actually use magic (this time), but you don't know how he did it. It's the same thing. NASA can't possibly land on the Moon, and it wuld take irrefutable evidence for me to believe otherwise. Extraodinary claims require extraordinary proof.
CHF: Do you find it odd that there are people who would use that same argument against you?
Ted: Yes, extremely. These whackjobs types swallow NASA's lies about the moon, but when it comes to something common sense such as Aliens Abductions, they suddenly get all skeptical.
CHF: But are alien abductions are common sense?
Ted: Of course they are. I mean who doesn't want to kidnap random people and stick probes up their noses. And if your are an alien being unbounded by the laws of physics, you certainly have the tools to do it. It would be an extraordinary claim that Aliens don't abduct people. It's the same with my theories on medicine.
CHF: Medicine?
Ted: Sure these people believe that little tiny invisible particles cause disease, some thing so ridiculous that I Just have to roll my eyes. But they don't believe in homeopathy.
CHF: Yes, that is weird. But back to the Moon.
Ted: Well you bsically have three catagories of people. We already discussed the wackjobs, but there are also the morons, who believe that we got to the Moon, and then faked the landing to cover up evidence of extra-terrestrial activity; at least their theories are plausible. Last, you have the normal people like me. We know that NASA faked the whole thing because people cannot survive outside the Van-Allen belts. Their "pictures" really show countless evidence of anomalies. Though I did hear that Russia actually went to the Moon, and NASA covered that up too.
CHF: Hmm, well that is one rather interesting hypothesis. Until next time, always demand proof except in the cases of the obvious like telekenesis for example.
Ted: You said it; if telekinesis was impossible, how woulld I commute to work?

HIV doesn't kill people. People kill people.

Everyone says HIV causes AIDS, but do we have any Cold Hard Facts? Wait, wait I know you scientists will show me this picture and tell me those little bumps coming out of that big bump represent AIDS bursting out of a CD4+ T-cell, but I don't trust you.

Maybe those little bumps are baby cells budding from their mommy. Or maybe those aren't even cells. Perhaps it is some kind of cerimonial object. We just don't know.

Does the AIDS virus even exist? Is there any evidence for it? Right now the answer is no. The nice people of Virusmyth.net are awarding in good faith a 1000 pound prize for the trivial task of finding the mysteriously elusive "AIDS virus". Of course those good for nothing biologists would whine and complain the money is impossible to collect, but the rules are simple enough.

So what does cause AIDS, if not a virus. The surprising answer is AIDS is caused by AIDS drugs. People may think those cosyly drugs are extending their lifespans, but in reality those protease inhibitors and AZT are slowly killing them. But wait you say, what about all those destitute people in Zimbabwe who die of AIDS? AIDS can't be caused by AIDS drugs if people can't afford them, can it? Well over there, clearly it's not the drugs, but that doesn't mean we should blame the harmless HIV virus instead of some other, more reasonable, cause. In poor countries AIDS in actually caused by malnutrition. And AIDS in children is really caused by the mother having ingested steriods during pregnancy, so everything works out. There are many underlying causes for AIDS depending on the patient, but none is caused by the common factor of HIV. That would be too simple, and the simple explantion is always wrong.

Until next time, never trust a doctor. Only trust the conspiricy theories. Refuse to take your medicine. And don't worry about infecting others; there's no proof they'll get AIDS either.

A bump on the head

Today's topic is the science of Phrenology, or the method of telling someone's personality from the shape of his nose. Finding perhaps the only person brave enough to believe in this unfairly ridiculed science, I wrote him a friendly and not at all mocking letter. Alas, he must have fallen down the stairs at child, critically crushing his courtesy bump, as he responded quite rudely, and our thorough investigation into the Cold Hard Facts behind this most interesting phenomenon must go on without him.


The best way to test phrenology is to find a picture of someone we know all about and make his head fit the profile. And who better to look at, than..


Comparing this specimen to the chart.

The first thing we notice is the prominent swelling of the forehead in the benevolence area, indicating compassion. But more than that, the head is of course well rounded. Our fearless leader has no shortage of affection, constructiveness, causality, self-esteem, and eventuality. This man possesses the "dome-shaped head of the superior type," indicating conscientiousness and spirituality. Clearly he is a kind and caring person, upright, moral person, who is open-minded and would never purge millions of people just because a) he can and b) he has an inhuman desire to rule by fear. A higher being, civilized in every way. This profile is completely objective and comparing it with the biography of specimen we can see how the character traits we assigned to our subject impacted his life.

Of course a phrenologist must be careful, for hair can mask character and a bump or concavity in the skull can really be a wrinkle or acne. Most phrenologist ignore this, but some insist on shaving their subjects bald and surgically removing any skin imperfections before proceeding.

Another scientific error results from deformation of skull, in which a patient may be of one type but due to his weirdly shaped head, he appears to have problems. This man is one example.
His grotesque ugliness makes it impossible for us to tell his true personality.

The last cause of error is due to a failure to appreciate the "interaction between faculties". In fact most of the time the phrenologist is way off, it's not because he was actually wrong, but because of the complex personality interactions with a bump he missed. Getting these interactions right is extremely difficult, and it helps to "cold read" insights into the subject's character, lest the unwary phrenologist miss anything. Some so called experts suggest that this may be a cause for saying phrenology is bunk and should have been at least disproved 100 years ago, but they are lying through their teeth. Furthermore most of these Skeptics tend to have an indentation where their intelligence bump should be, if you know what I mean. So we shouldn't pay attention to what scientists have to say. In fact science isn't even a phrenologically acceptable career for any skull shape.

For any further questions just email phrenology.org; they'll be sure to address your concerns. And, while you're at it, you might as well demand an apology for my sake, for no one mortally offends Stalin and lives to tell the tale.

Where have you been?

Well it's been a long time and yes there were many interesting things to blog about, such as the guy who can turn earwax into gold, the guy holding himself hostage in Nebraska, and the three thugs who robbed a bank at gunpoint for a dollar to buy a cream soda from the machine across the street. But alas I couldn't blog any of it because I was in jail on murder charges, cellmate to a guy named Butch who said if I ever blogged the Cold Hard Facts of exactly where in New York his multimillion dollar stash of cocaine was, he'd knock out every last one of my teeth. He needn't have worried. I didn't have internet access in that jail anyway.

Why in the world did the police suspect me of murdering anyone? Well my lawyer says I can't talk about it, but now that I'm free and cleared of all charges, expect more of The Cold Hard Facts soon.

Hceeps Esrever

Read this post forward and then read it in reverse, in order not to miss out on all the Cold Hard Facts, because today's topic is the exciting new field of reverse speech. Created by a man who bears an uncanny resemblance to Saddam Hussein, Reverse Speech may just be the key to our inner Psyche. See people can lie with normal speech in forward time direction, but if you record those lies on a special broken tape recorder, play them backwards, and listen real closely until you go insane, the truth emerges.

And not only are you subconsciously giving away all your deepest darkest inner thoughts in reverse, even people who can only express gibberish in forward speech, like babies, are already fluent at talking backwards. So that little baby, who's so cuuuute may really be cursing you off backwards. And babies aren't the only ones who can express themselves backwards. Did you know that people with severe mental retardation, who appear to only communicate with grunts and shrieks, are actually composing poems in reverse speech. All this incontrovertible evidence leads to only one conclusion, "that the process of spoken communication in children begins backwards before it does forwards."

Of course there are skeptics who foolishly question the utility of reverse speech. For some reason they are stupid enough to think that there is no rational benefit in subconscious communication in a medium that no one could understand before the invention of tape recorders. Ha! Of course there's a benefit. From an evolutionary standpoint, you wouldn't want to subconsciously express your innermost thoughts on a topic in an easily understandable form, because such thought expression would obviously end all marriages before reproduction occured, and thus Reverse Speech evolved. It makes perfect sense!

But how can you get in on the reverse speech action? It's easy for the small fee of $295, you can own a Sony tape recorder reconfigured to run backwards. Then for a small fee of $300/week for 3 weeks and another small fee of $300/week for 5 weeks, and yet another small fee of $300/week for only 8 weeks, and a few extra hundred dollars in software, you can become a Reverse Speech Practitioner and charge others the hugely inflated prices. But it's worth it. Just send me 500 bucks and a blank CD and a microphone, and I'll dictate the offer to you backwards; you'll see I'm not lying.

It's a bear... It's a guy in gorilla suit... It's BIGFOOT. Oh wait it is a bear.

Bigfoot is he real? No one knows for sure, but most people think he is and that it is only a matter of time before we nab him. We bring an exclusive Cold Hard Facts report on Bigfoot and what our top biologists are doing to nab him.

First we turn to the most trusted name in Bigfoot field research, the aptly named Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Their skeptical researcher are constantly investigating encounters with the reclusive beasts and separating the facts from the fiction. They remind viewers of the importance of always looking at skeptical arguments, such as "Didn't some guy say that you claim a picture of him in a gorilla suit is Bigfoot," skeptically. I mean if he hoaxed us once by dressing up in a costume, who's to say he's not hoaxing us again by admitting it; obviously this picture is of Bigfoot.

But now that the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization has conclusively proven bigfoots exist, how do we go about catching one? This is job for the Great American Bigfoot Research Organization. Right now their top fieldhands are hard at work on a serious scientific mission to find a bigfoot and bring him alive, and for only $6.95 US per month we can receive daily entries on their progress so far. Knowing that you all are cheapskates this blog managed to procure a couple of free journal entries.

April 1, 2006
Dear Diary,
Had the expiditions photos developed today. Why does a bigfoot always look blurry and in the distance? Perhaps it's the quality of my wide-angle lens. But no matter. The expiditon must go on. I know bigfoots are intelligent. If only I could get one to talk to me, I'm sure we both would have a lot to learn.

April 2, 2006
Dear Diary,
Great news! Met a bigfoot today. His name is Urgurg and he invited me over for tea tomorrow. This could be the break investigators have been seaching for. Still it begs a question. Bigfoots drink tea? Could it be that they are far more intelligent and cultured than we believed possible?

April 3, 2006
Dear Diary,
Bad news. After talking to Urgurg today, I made a horrible dicovery: Urgurg is not a bigfoot. He's a just a creepy human in a costume named Sam Mudgeman. Even worse, when I showed him our scientific footage of a bigfoot, he demanded to know how long we've been stalking him. Then he pulled out a gun and ordered us to get off his property and leave him alone. I don't believe it. My whole life's work wasted. Still we must press on.

April 5, 2006
Dear Diary,
Thought we saw a bigfoot today, but when I heard a gunshot, I realized it was just Mudgeman. When will that guy get a life? Sometimes I ask myself is bigfoot really out there? Perhaps we'll never know.

Exciting stuff. So until next time remember to send all those Bigfoot sightings to the experts, and perhaps with your help, even scientists will believe in Bigfoot.

Did the world end yesterday?

Yesterday was the sixth day of the sixth month of the the 2006th year after the fourth year after Jesus was born, associating it with the number 662006, THE NUMBER OF EVIL. Unless of course you're more of a yyyy/mm/dd kind of guy in which case 200766 is the NUMBER OF EVIL. And according some movie trailer, there will be... will have been... was dire consequences yesterday involving a little kid and a tea party. But this is no time to no time to have a tea party; this is the time to call in the resident experts and discern the Cold Hard Facts on the matter.

If the world will end yesterday... I mean will have ended... would have... ended yesterday, we wouldn't very well exist would we? So I think we're fine.

He thinks he so smart. Well maybe in the future the world will have been retroactively annulled annulled yesterday. Did you think of that before you ridiculed me, huh? Forget you, I'm going to our next expert.

Do I think the world will end yesterday because some arbitrary calendar with either the arbitrary format mm/dd/yy or the equally arbitrary format dd/mm/yy comes out to 666 if you arbitrarily leave out the /s and 0s. This is a tough question. I can't just give an arbitrary answer of whether the world will have ended.

So you're caught on the fence, eh. You skeptics are always to scared to make a stand.

Well like always the skeptics choose to answer a reasonable question with sarcasm and ignore the facts. So let's turn to more of a true believer.

Certainly the world ended yesterday. You may not notice it yet, but trust me you will. You might think killing me will stop it, but my death will make little difference. The end of the world is already here. You can't prevent it; you can't escape it, for the end is already upon us, and there's no turning back.

That guy sounds much more reasonable. But how can the world end without us noticing it. Well since information doesn't travel faster than the speed of light, and since the world ends say a light-year from us yesterday, we won't know it ended until a year from yesterday when the signal reaches us, but it certainly already ended.

So to summarize, it's all for you Damien, whatever that means.

The June Primary

Today was the very important June primary, upon which the whole future of our country depended. And once again to discuss the cold hard facts with us, is our political clairvoyant Madame Cleo Browne.

Madame Cleo Browne: I see the facts. They are cold and hard!
Cold Hard Facts: Since you were last with us, you helped the Houston Police solve a murderer. Tell us about that.
MCB: I had a vision of a body, felt and suffering and death. "Who did this horrible deed" I cried, and the spirits revealed the path. They showed my a man with flaming red hair, a crooked nose, a eye blue and one brown.
CHF: That's quite descriptive, but I don't think...
MCB: Silence unbeliever! Be gone skeptic! The spirits have not yet finished revealing their wisdom! A broad chin did I see, and an eyepatch black as night and one eyebrow, ugliness unmarred by a mustache. And as the spirits revealed, so did the murderer look. See for yourself.

CHF: Um, let's talk about that primary.
MCB: I see a man, he is speaking. Triumphant is he and joyous! Protestant and Anglo-Saxon is he, it is an M word, clearly a winner.
CHF: M-word? You mean Richard Menendez?
MCB: Yes Menendez the WASP, a name of strength, power. He is destined for the presidency. A crisis with Iran will unfold and he will attempt to solve.
CHF: Wow that's amazing. How did you know that? You must have a newspaper.
MCB: Newspaper, it has never crossed my eyes. From the underworld does all my news come. I see another man, he is crying, sulking devastated. A man will lose.
CHF: Astounding, tell me more.
MCB:Um argh, blood, guts, death. Can't continue stupid interview. Danger.
CHF: Well, ok then.

Mysteries of the Marshall Islands Square

The Bermuda Triangle an exactly triangle shaped region of the ocean, where millions of ships and airplanes disappear daily. But what causes all those ships to disappear? Skeptics would have you believe their arcane and ridiculous explanations such as stormy seas or pilot error. We on other hand know that like always, those skeptics are involved in the active destruction of the truth, just to make us true-believers seem ridiculous.

So what is the real explanation for the triangle? No one knows for sure, but the answer has something to do with Atlantis, wormholes, and aliens. Unfortunately I was not able to understand the deep truth of the wormhole-Atlantis-space-alien hypothesis, but it has something to do with aliens transporting a neutron star under the Atlantic in order to warp light in that area, and as it has the words quantum and relativity in it, it must be true. So until next time, remember that no one knows less about science then the biased idiots who call themselves scientists.

Gas Pills

Made by Bio Performance, they work, they're fuel efficient, and Texas is unfairly cracking down on them. What are they? A revolutionary new fuel additive that increases fuel efficiency so much that some customers actually lose gas mileage. But Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott has it in for them. First he viciously blackmailed independent researchers in the University of Texas into claiming that the Fuel Pills are made of Naphthaline, a bald faced lie. Now he's saying that Bio Performances brilliant marketing scheme in which each mark pays the one above him in what is called "the pyramid" $50 for the right to sell gas pills, and then sells this right to the four people below him in this pyramid, is actually an illegal pyramid scandal. The Gall!

But how do these pills actually work? According to some people who are not Bio Performance they "lower flashpoint of our fuel, which allows for easier ignition. It will in turn, because of dispersant quality, enable fuel to burn more efficiently"

But that is just a smokescreen set up to cover their real secret, the Vronks - Krebb Reaction.

As the equation illustrates 1 mole of octane reacts with 1 mole one naphthalene, which is not present in Bio Performance, to form 3 moles of muon neutrinos plus gamma radiation and byproducts, and nothing kickstarts a car quite like muon neutrinos or gamma rays, not to mention the byproducts. But gas pills are just the beginning. Imagine what could be done with the Vronks-Krebbs reaction. The possibilities are endless!

Ghosts: Part II — Ouija Boards

Ouija Boards: Everyone knows they can communicate with the dead. Well everyone except the few skeptics, who can never accept the normal explantion for everything. They seem to think the guy holding the ouija pointer is the one who moves it, but that is so rediculous we won't discuss it any further. To get back on topic, can Ouija boards summon demons or is talking to the dead just a bad idea. We bring you the Cold Hard Facts. Do to religious concerns I wouldn't actually use a Ouija board, so I found a transcribed conversation.

User: Oh great and powerful Ouija board of Oz, speak to me.
Ouija Board: O-K
User: You're actually revealing the letters paranormally? That's not my fingers moving the pointer over then correct letters subconciously or something stupid like that?
Ouija: N-O-O-F-C-O-U-R-S-E-N-O-T-!
User: Oh Good. So which spirt is talking to me?
Ouija: J-O-H-N-T-H-E-D-E-A-D-M-A-N
User: John the dead man, what's it like being a dead man?
Ouija: N-O-T-F-U-N
User: Will I ever get married?
Ouija: N-O-Y-O-U-A-R-E-A-L-O-S-E-R
User: I don't believe you. Show me proof.
Ouija: Y-O-U-A-R-E-T-A-L-K-I-N-G-T-O-A-B-O-A-R-D-O-F-W-O-O-D-.
User: So?
Ouija: O-N-L-Y-L-O-S-E-R-S-U-S-E-O-U-I-J-A-B-O-A-R-D-S
User: Oh great Ouija Board, can you summon a demon?
Ouija: N-O
User: Please?
Ouija: N-O
User: Pretty Please?
Ouija: N-O
User: Pretty Please with a cherry on top?
Ouija: F-I-N-E-I-F-Y-O-U-I-N-S-I-S-T
Demon: Boo
User: Cool!
Ouija: G-E-T-A-L-I-F-E
Demon: Yes, get a life. Loser!

So the evidence is clearly inconclusive. Stay tuned for the exciting part three of our series, or get a life.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Blogs

As you all know The Cold Hard Facts is the most successful blog in the history of blogs. But how is it done? Well if you utilize the 7 legal suggestions that follow, I personally guarantee your blog too will become a sensation.

1) Post daily: As you all know this blog posts a new and exciting thought that can be mulled over with the morning coffee. As the saying goes, “It is better to speak when you have nothing to say, than not to speak at all.” You too must post daily, even if you have no time and nothing to say, otherwise no one will ever bother reading it.

2) Have a gimmick to draw in readership: I have found the best draw for blogs is free candy. People come for the candy and stay for the post.

3) Contrary to what you may have heard, never link to other people’s blogs*: That practice only increases those blogs’ hits; it doesn’t benefit you in any way. In fact it is harmful, because those blogs might be, and probably are, more interesting than yours and will steal your precious, precious readership.

4) Get linked to from other people blogs: Obviously you have to be crafty about this because those other people just read tip #3. But a good way to do this is to randomly go to a blog, and post the following comment: “Quite an informative piece you got there. More information on that topic is available here,“ of course linking the word here to your blog. It’s the kind of nuanced, subtle approach to publicity that will get you noticed without creating a fuss.

5) Controversial Political Opinions: Your blog will never go anywhere unless it offends someone. But why just offend someone? The more offensive the better, and the following political positions are guaranteed to offend democrat, republican, and communist alike, making your blog the talk of the internet. a) Raise taxes and invade China, b) Free silver and tariff reform (very controversial nowadays), and c), this one's a real gem, show strong support for the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850. Those are sure to get your blog noticed.

6) Celebrity Gossip: It’s no secret that a blog is nothing without a juicy bit of celebrity gossip. But most people don’t realize that this can be combined with tip #5 for extra effectiveness, as in the following quote:

“Britney Spears was seen today looking resplendent in a Sheik black dress, possibly illustrating her support for the Fugitive Slave Act.”

7) And if those six tips don’t work? Then go with the tried and true method: Chain Letters! There is no better way to take advantage of gullible, superstitious morons. But don’t bother writing you own. I included one of mine that has been making waves across the internet. Just substitute your blog for The Cold Hard Facts, change the URL, and send it to everyone in your inbox. This baby will travel all around the internet in no time.

There is a very important website you must see, or you will die. Don’t believe us, here are four cases.
CASE 1: Kimbe Olobogo of Gambia had one goal in life, to earn enough money subsistence farming to support a family. Then one day the price of Okra went up, and Kimbe earned 3 whole dollars! He was so exited. But then he noticed, he had had e-mail. He checked it, mostly the usual United States Scams, but then he saw one that he had never gotten before. It was this letter telling him to check out The Cold Hard Facts. He wanted to, but he was too poor to own a computer. BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, he died of malaria.

CASE 2: Take Mao Jindao. She received this letter and being the believer that she was, she sent it to her friends but she couldn’t see The Cold Hard Facts, because the Chinese government censored it. Three days later, Jindao went to a masquerade ball. Later that night when she left to get to her bicycle to go home, she was killed on the spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver. And later, the friends that got sent her letter and also couldn't check out The Cold Hard Facts also died in horrible accidents.


CASE 3: Kim S. Winters sent it to these guys. Seconds later, she was run over by an army tank, in her own house.

CASE 4: Richard S. Willis sent this letter out within 45 minutes of reading it, went to elonstruths.blogspot.com, read the entire The Cold Hard Facts and posted 23 comments. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview, he got an even better job with a really big company, when he ran into his real estate agent who told him that his house offer was accepted! But his day got even better! Later on his computer, a little window popped up saying he won a free ipod, and he actually won one. Then his wife decided not to divorce him, and they lived happily ever after.

This is the letter:

You must go to The Cold Hard Facts, read three posts and write a comment, then send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 different people. If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck. If you do not, bad luck will rear it's ugly head at you. THIS IS NOT A JOKE! You have read the warnings, seen the cases, and the consequences. You MUST send this on, or face dreadfully bad luck.

*NOTE* The more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have.

P.S. I did not make this up, someone sent it to me and I went to The Cold Hard Facts, and now am passing it on to you! Now you have to stop everything you’re doing to send it along! Pbttth! You have been warned!

Well there you have 7 tips to make your blog almost as successful as this one.

*Statistics show that 93.4% of Americans do not consider The Cold Hard Facts an “Other Person’s Blog.”

Ghosts

Ghosts, they haunt our pubs and ruin our photographs. This ghost had the audacity to write physics graffiti all over this one. Clearly ghosts are a serious problem. A problem that must be examined by a serious source, like this blog. Here is the Cold Hard Facts on ghosts.

We start by examining testimony of self-proclaimed experts, scientists who talk to ghosts on a daily basis.

Ghosts? You mean invisible dead guys that can go through walls, but yet still knock two pots against each other and make a noise? Bah!

Only an idiot would believe in ghosts.

I have never seen a ghostly phenomenon that couldn't be explained away without the use of ghosts.

Clearly, once again the skeptics know nothing. These guys must be the only people in the world who would ignore the overwhelming evidence for anything that breaks the laws of physics.

Ah here we go.These guys know about ghosts. Not only can they see and hear ghosts, but you too can "see dead people" with six easy lessons. And that degree in ghostology will take career to new levels. John Smith, Ghostologist, is clearly Senior Vice President material.

But how do you detect ghosts once you get your diploma. It's all in the Air Ion Counter, Gaussmeter, and Geiger Counter, equipment specifically designed for optimum ghost deteection. This equipment provided the first positive confirmation that ghosts live around Uranium mines.

So buy your Ghostology degree and Ghosthunting equipment and join the good fight to keep ghosts out of your pubs and photos.

Don't expect more blog posts!

Blogging will be light today, due to the fact I have run out of ideas.

Bloody Murder

I was just clicking on the little "Next Blog" button in the upper right corner when I came upon one called Fantasies of A Serial Killer. I decided to publish his latest and most probably last entry, in order to provoke calm discourse, and eventually lead to a great example of Linear Decay.
Here now is the complete entry, which once again I did not write

To all my loyal and devoted fans. I have an important announcement to make, which will forever change the nature of our relationship. I murdered 12 humans in cold blood. But there was a purpose to this madness, this blog. That's right. Before the only person who ever read this garbage was my grandma, and even you hated it. I got maybe one hit a week. But no longer.

Just think about all the publicity I'll generate. Never again will I ignored. I can just see the statcounter shooting up already.

But even better, for the first time ever, people will leave comments. Now I will forever be known as "You Punk", "You Sick Freak", and "You Stupid Nasty Jerk" even among strangers. Yes, random people from all over the world will write to me and tell me how they really feel about me. It's too perfect.

But what am I rambling on about? This has to be posted before the FBI drag me away, or it won't work. And remember loyal fans, as always tell me what you think. Heh Heh.

Yours truly
John "Killer" Smith

Wait, before you start posting your comments, remember to send this to all your gullible friends. Let's get this thing forwarded all over the internet, and Make John Killer Smith proud.

Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of ________

We are here with the Vice President of the Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of ________, A society so secret that non-member can't even know it's full name. But at last we have found a snitch who will give us the Cold Hard Facts and the inner workings of this club. There is no reason to suspect why a disgruntled member would not give us only the Cold Hard Facts without any embellishment.

Cold Hard Facts: Why is it called the Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of _________?
Snitch: Well if a secret society has a name, then you can figure out what they do without joining. For example, Masons build things, Elks go hunting or something, and Members of the Skull and Bones obviously kill people. Our organization is so secret, you can't find anything about it until you join.
CHF: Why? What's your big secret?
Snitch: Our real name is the Secret Society of the Secret Fraternal Order of Babka.
CHF: Babka?
Snitch: Our first Grand Master thought the word sounded cool and ancient and perfect for a Fraternal Society. But after the derision the name, Secret Fraternal Order of Babka, received from the general public, he declared the sacred and underlying meaning of Babka is too deep for mortal men, and must be kept from profane tongues.
CHF: A wise choice. So do you have some cool initiation ritual?
Snitch: Oh yes we have the sacred ritual of the Glockenspiel. Where the recruit must run through the field of Mangos, and receive the hidden truth of Claymore.
CHF:undoubtedly, the ritual was thought of by your first Grand Master.
Snitch: Um, yeah. He was not very good with names.
CHF: Moving On. What does your group do.
Snitch: Well we get together every month and talk about inducting new members. And we reward the guys who induct the most members, practice the sacred rituals. Oh and sometimes we do stuff to help the community. But mostly we drink, discuss the sacred rituals, which no unenlightened one can know and guard the sacred rituals from unenlightened ones, a big job there. Those unenlightened ones are always trying to spy on us and learn our rituals. You can ever be too careful.
CHF: Why spend so much effort guarding the secret rituals? Does Anyone really care about them?
Snitch: If people knew all we did was discuss nonsense, then where would we be? No the arcane secrets must be held from the world. Otherwise no one would join. WeÂ’d lose the mystique.
CHF: And yet, you just told me.
Snitch: Oh well that's different. You're a member; you know the secret handshake.
CHF: Actually I just guessed. Incidentally, what does VVV mean?
Snitch: Well it's an acronym for three sacred words our first Grand Master came up with. All the initiates keep clamoring to know it, but I always tell them it means Vorld Vide Veb or Ve Vant Vampire and other nonsense like that. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.
Snitch: Judging by your first Grand Master's penchant for vocabulary. I can imagine it probably is quite a shock. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Where are They Now

Posts have faithfully appeared on this blog every day for the past three weeks, but that is no reason not to post now. Because today I met a guy, Jonathan Jefferson, who claims he meets formerly famous people every day on his way to work. He assures me this is the Cold Hard Fact. So without further ado, here is the real life interview with Jonathan Jefferson.

Cold Hard Facts:Can you give us an example of a formerly famous person you meet regularly.
Jefferson: Well there's Isaac Newton for one. I see him every day in Times Square.
CHF: What would Sir Isaac Newton be doing in Times Square?
Jefferson: Panhandling.
CHF: Isaac Newton, the 14th century physicist, is now begging for change in Time Square?
Jefferson: Oh yeah. He told me that Nabisco cut off his Cookie Royalties, and you would be surprised at how little he gets for "The sum of all forces is the mass times the acceleration". You just can't live above the poverty line on it.
CHF: Do you have a picture of Newton begging to make your claim more believable?
Jefferson: Right here.

Spare Change?

CHF: That's quite an informative picture. Have you seen anyone else?
Jefferson: Well there's the economist, Adam Smith. He lives in a cardboard box on 57th St.
CHF: So he's broke too?
Jefferson: Yup, he lost it all in the stock market.
CHF: Do you know anyone who's not dead?
Jefferson: Well there is Catherine the Great. She plays the Banjo in Penn Station by the LIRR terminal. Incidentally, she's not great. I would be more apt to call her Catherine the Pretty Darn Bad. I only gave her a nickel.
CHF: Do you find it depressing that all these famous people end up as bums and hobos centuries later?
Jefferson: No, if they weren't bums and hobos, I wouldn't be able to meet them. I got to go I just saw Suleiman the Magnificent organ grinding across the street. I should say hello.
CHF: We'll have to invite you back sometime to talk about it.

I have a Confession to Make

Due to the recent uproar about Wal-mart enlisting bloggers for its propaganda campaign, I feel it is only right for me to give the Cold Hard Facts about my sponsors.

First of all, that article I wrote about Irish diets being the key to effective weight loss was not my own work. The Idaho Potato farmers Association gave me discount potatoes to say that. And when I randomly said that Wise made the best potato chips, well I was paid to say that too. And on a less potato related note, when I said Exxon-Mobil captains can't steer their ships very well, I did it because Citgo wired me $1,000 dollars. I regret taking their money now, and resolve not to do any more.

And therein lies the difference between me and those blogs in the Wal-mart Scandal, because unlike those morons, I got paid for writing propaganda. And while we are on that subject, companies if you send me $10, I am your mouthpiece. But I digress, writing corporate propaganda, is wrong, and those guys should be ashamed for being Wal-mart's mouthpieces and should probably kill themselves over it. At least over the fact that they didn't wiggle anything out of Wal-mart, not even free potatoes. I wouldn't have done it because I know you trust me to bring you only the Cold Hard Facts.

Currents Of Death - MUH HAH HAH HA!

Even though electricity can't directly kill people, it is responsible for billions of cases of cancer every year. And thus we should all applaud the actions of Fred Gilbert who won't allow the dangerous "electromagnetic forces" and radio waves produced by Wi-Fi units anywhere near his vulnerable students. But what about other producers of electromagnetic radiation such as blenders, microwave ovens, and particle accelerators? Are they dangerous too? Let's get the Cold Hard Facts on the matter.

Paul Brodeur, a colleague of mine, wrote several books during the 1970s, proving that microwaves such as those produced by power lines caused cancer. Not surprisingly physicists and physiologist everywhere, every one of whom is in the pay of the power companies and chemotherapy providers, tried to cover this up. Of course there is no earthy reason why physicists should know anything about power lines, or medical researchers about cancer, but they just sound so darn convincing. And pretty soon, everyone in the United States thought Brodeur was an idiot, even though he was right.

But Brodeur wouldn't give up. He kept digging and, sure enough he realized that our military and the government of Communist Russia were also involved. This should have gotten everyone's attention, but the evil scientists just scoffed and said that if over 100 peer reviewed papers find no correlation between power lines and cancer, there isn't one. Balderdash, those study authors were also involved in the giant power line conspiracy and therefore biased. The only unbiased guy is Brodeur. And still, no one listened to him.

But now, finally, one man is listening to Brodeur. Good Job, Mr. Gilbert, but it's not enough. As Mr. Brodeur demonstrates every electric appliance and even electrical wiring also cause cancer. Plus all those television and radio stations broadcasting the evening news, polluting our very air with their hideous radiation, will lead to increased rates of heart disease when your students get older. Therefore, this blog suggests the only logical course of action. Move your entire university on a fleet of sailboats, so as not to die from the EM radiation generated by jet engines, to some uncharted island in the Pacific. Your students will thank you and your Paranoia.

By the way, just reading this blog on a CRT exposed you to enough radiation to cut your lifespan by about half. So look into those miracle pills in the archives. You'll need them.

A Polite Political Debate

Presidential elections are coming up in just a few short weeks, and it's time to meet the major candidates to garner the Cold Hart Facts on their policies. First representing the Whig Party, Alexander Hamilton Hamilton. Representing the Know Nothing Party George Washington Harrison III. Representing the favored Vampire Party, Count Nospertu. And, representing the Psychics party, Madame Cleo Browne.

Cold Hard Facts: Mr. Harrison, where does your party stand on the Iraqi war?
Harrison: I know nothing.
CHF: What about government wiretapping?
Harrison: I know nothing.
CHF: Surely you must know something? Is there some reason why you are running for president?
Harrison: I know no...
Hamilton: The only reason that little back-stabbing traitor is running is to split the Whig Ticket. We Whigs have not forgotten, nor shall we ever forget 1852. And nor is it only the Know-nothings. We know what you Free-soilers and Republicans are up to. Plotting our downfall at this very moment. But now, in our darkest hour, is the time when we will get those protective tariffs passed one way or another.
Madame Browne: The spirits show no such thing.
Hamilton: Shut up, Jacksonian. And take your bloody anti-Bank crusade with with you!
Count Nospertu: Vell I haf a platform. Ve Vampyres haf been persecuted for too long. Everybody makes fun off our accents. Ond there's all these movies thot make uss seem evil. Plus ve vant to restrict access to vooden stakes. You don't even need a license to buy von. It has to stop somevon could get hurt.
CHF: You do know you have to be born in the US in order to become president?
Harrison: Yes, there is no way a blood sucking foreigner will ever have sovereign authority over this land.
Hamilton: I agree with you. But I said that first. You Know-Nothings always steal our ideas.
Count Nospertu: I'll Haf you know I came here in 1678. So I om American. Ah, Ond that's another thing. Ve vant to remoff the restriction on access to Human Blood. It makes things so annoying.
Harrison: Never learned any English though did you?
Count Nospertu: How dare you. Even you should know that whole ridiculous accent thing is just to garner votes. I hope you sleep with plenty of garlic...
Harrison: I just might.
Count Nosperatu: Then I better kill you now. (Slurp)
Count Harrison: I see your point. Ve doo need to get rrrid off the rrrestrrrictions on Human Blood. Rrrright now you can't even enjoy it occcasionally. And the fake accent is pretty cool.
Hamilton: I will not stand for such underhanded debate tactics. I'm Leaving.
Madame Browne: I foresee your spirit will not even make it to the front door.
Hamilton: Well then it's a good thing I brought a steel stake with me. I will make my stand here.

Editorial Comment: The next part of the debate was so weird, we were forced to cut it.

Count Hamilton: It has been a pleasure debating you. I look forward to the victory of the Whig wearing Vampyres who Know-Nothing in the polls this November. Glad we finally worked out our differences.
Count Nosperatu: Glad I was able to make you see the Cold Hard Facts in the matter.

Dennis Lee, victim of Scientific repression.

Dennis Lee, the world Renowned inventor has invented not 1, but 300 machines that generate free energy. And the government won't let him use even one. I mean he's got all these machines buzzing around all over his house, yet the government forces him to depend on foreign oil. It's the Cold Hard Fact.

Every Fourth of July, Lee tries to benefit the public by launching his pyramid scheme/big release, but each time the government has mercilessly shut him down without cause.

And it's not just the government. Every physicist, chemist, and magician in the world is being bribed by Exxon-Mobil to say negative things about Lee. They even tried to pay me $1000 to say Lee is an idiot. Sometimes Exxon representatives even masquerade as curious audience members in order to waste Lee's precious time. The nerve! How dare that guy question the G-d given intellect of Dennis Lee! And for his information, everybody knows that in stable, normal water the positively charged hydrogens bond to each other but in explosive HOH they bond to the negatively charged oxygen atom. No wonder Lee has to keep his lecture tour secret.

We can't let this injustice continue. Snake oil salesmen must be allowed to sell perpetual motion machines to the general public. Everybody know the First Law of Thermodynamics is only a myth. There is such thing as a free lunch. The Cold Hard Facts must not b trampled by a vast Government/Oil Company/Evil Skeptics/UFO/Al Qaeda conspiracy. We will fight to the death over this issue, and we will win.

The State of the State is Strong

I am sure you all listened in rapt attention as George Bush announced that the state of the United States is once again strong. But now the Cold Hard Facts brings you the stirring word of other state leaders, who were unfortunately ignored by our biased media. And I am glad to say the states of those states are strong.
Yoweri Kaguta Museveni, Great President of Lower Half of the Republic of Uganda:

The state of Uganda is strong. Or at least this half is. I heard things weren't going so well in the north. I'll have to check it out.

Daniel Miller, President of the Republic of Texas

The State of the Republic of Texas is strong. Sure we're the laughingstock of the nation, but our cause is just. Soon even our so called President Bush will realize that he is a free and independant citizen of our glorious Republic.

John Jackson, President of the Nevada chapter of Kleptomanics Anonymous:

The state of our organization is STR. Hey, who stole my microphone.

Stirring speeches all. And for those in the Fanatical League of Chemical Terroists:
THe state of Operation Copper(II) Sulfate is strong.

Letters to the Editor

Every day millions of letters are sent to the Cold Hard Facts. Today we pick a few of these letters, and give their writers a dose of the Cold Hard Facts. The writers are real, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear Notelon,
I really enjoy your blog, but I am slightly troubled you chose to mock homoeopathy. I take homoeopathic doses of testosterone to control my anger problems, and I am freakin outraged that you would choose to personally mock me. You DO IT AGAIN AND I'LL RIP YOUR FREAKIN' LEFT LUNG OUT WITH MY BEAR HANDS! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!
Sincerely,
Lex Luther

I don't know what you are talking about, Lex. Homoeopathy normally works. Your doctor must be giving you a placebo.

Dear Notelon,
I searched google for "Interesting Facts About Pencils", and found you, but I see no pencils. What gives.
Joker

Well Joker, the beauty of Pencils is in the eye of the beholder, so it you who is at fault.

Dear Notelon,
Do you enjoy making fun of me?
Dr. Octopus

No, of course not.

Dear Notelon,
I want to join The Church of Lincoln's Second Coming. Here is my $300 entry fee, my one time $1000 exorcism payment, and my very reasonable $31,415.92 application processing fee. You'll see to it they will get to the right place?
Chairface Chippendale

Of course I will. And did you know that you can get money in the mail just by addressing envelopes? Just send ten dollars to Elonstruths, PO box 57, NY, NY, 10101.

And speaking of mail, would Professor Harry G. Frankfort please stop flooding my inbox with messages. It would be appreciated.

Biomedx.com, Your Reliable Source of Medical Equipment

If you're shopping for medical equipment, a site definitely worth looking into is Biomedx.com. They've got great deals on great products such as Flow Systems Analysis, where they cure disease by examining blood flow under a microscope.

But that's not the only Medical miracle on their page. You don't need to buy anything from them (But they paid me good money, so buy medical junk anyway), since the best medicine comes right out of your own body. That's is right, urine is the cure to all diseases. You see diseases are caused by stuff called protits not germs. Go ahead and publish all the sick puns you can think of in the comments section, but it's still true. Germs are only the symtoms of disease not the cause. And drinking urine fixes the root of the problem. Urine contains protits and drinking more protits makes bacteria and fungi devolve into protits curing your disease. But, as everyone knows, urine also contains white blood cells, so drinking it would naturally cure allergies too. In fact even in homoeopathic amounts, urine cures every illness in the world!

So why is something so valuable excreted? Because urine doesn't contain metabolic waste, it contains nutrients your body doesn't need at the present time. So why drink it, and force your body to make use of those nutrients, the same one it established it doesn't need. Because your body is stupid and doesn't know a valuable remedy when it sees one.

So that's the Cold Hard Facts, and the next time you use the restroom take a big swig of the yellow liquid of life, and buy stuff from Biomedx.com.

Who wants to be a chemist?

I am pleased to announce the premier of a new reality TV show, "Who Wants to be a Chemist?", sponsored by the American Chemical Society , The Darwin Awards and The Cold Hard Facts.

18 lucky literature majors are flown to a deserted island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There they are divided into two teams, each of which must attempt to perform a different chemistry experiment, selected from organic chemistry, inorganic chemistry, or physical chemistry every episode. Two PhD. chemistry professors and one PhD. chemical engineer judge the results, and the losing team, i.e. the team with the most injuries and/or deaths resulting from a lack of knowledge of the procedures and safety regulations, must vote a member off the island. That member is then covered in 1,4-butanediamine, and wins "Who Wants to be a Chemist? - The Board Game." The last player left receives the grand prize: twelve bucks, his or her very own bottle of thallium sulfate, and a pass on Chemistry for Poets!

But the best part is two more shows are in the works. Thrill as art students get electrocuted and irradiated on "Who Wants to be a Physicist?" and chill as philosophy majors get stabbed with pencils and beaten with calculators on "Who Wants to be a Mathematician?"

I am dying to see the first episode of "Who Wants to be a Chemist?" this Sunday, and I know you guys are dying to see it too.

You must have heard of Robinson's reaction, but did you hear about Hamas's?

In fact, Hamas is claiming responsibility for Sharon's stroke. Honestly, it is The Cold Hard Fact, as shown is the following quote from one of the leaders of this secret organization.

Sharon had it coming to him. What with the wall and the settlement building in the West Bank, and the deaths from the explosion of our illegal ammo pile... I mean evil Israeli air strike, the illegal occupation of Jerusalem, and the removal of targets in Gaza, did he really think we would not respond. Of course we would and with such a cunning plan to perfectly disguise our involvement in this assassination attempt. Why if we didn't tell the world we were responsible, Imperialist Israel would never know who to unjustly bomb in response. Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA!

But Hamas isn't the only terrorist group claiming responsibility for Ariel Sharon's stroke. Palestinian Islamic Jihad gave our Israel correspondent this press release

Hamas, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Allah knows it isn't fair or just to always claim credit for our greatest attacks on the infidels even if you had nothing to do with them. You never hire your own bomber anymore. You just take credit for ours. Unjust! But anyway, strokes are caused by stress, and it is a fact that the Palestinian Islamic Jihad caused Sharon more stress than anything else. Plus we prevented him from getting a liposuction or stomach stapling surgery SO HE STAYED OVERWEIGHT. Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA! Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA!

But now Rabbi Philip Berg of the Kabbalah Centre has his own reasons for Sharon's stroke."It's obvious", he says.

Sharon didn't study enough kabbalah with me. I told him, you and me study together and Mashiach will come rushing here tomorrow. I even told him I'd arrange a shidduch with Maddonah, but for some reason he avoided me. Now G-d has decided the time has come for devine retribution. I could use my kabbalah to save him, but who am I to interfere with G-d's plans.

Yes, who is he? In any case, this has been another, chock full of truth, edition of The Cold Hard Facts

Free your Souls from the Evil Woogies!

Our correspondent is on call to get The Cold Hard Facts about a new religion, The Church of Lincoln's Second Coming. With me today is the originator John Q. Green.

The Cold Hard Facts: Could you describe your religion for us?
John Q. Green: Yes. First we train people to meditate upon the secret knowledge and believe in the true faith, then Lincoln returns to free our souls from the Woogies.
TCHF: The Woogies? What in the world is a woogie?
JQG: First you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter.
TCHF: So the Church of Lincoln's Second Coming is just a cynical ploy designed to make you money?
JQG: No it is a honest attempt to better the world. And, if I can pay off my bookie? Well I am the Messiah!
TCHF: How did your religion start?
JQG: Well one day, I was arguing with my creditors when I got a revelation. There he appeared with his stupid hat and hideous beard, and he taught me The Knowledge. Knowledge which could be yours for the low payment of $19.95 a month.
TCHF: What is your religion's opinion on Intelligent Design?
JQG: Did Abraham Lincoln, the acme of creation evolve by chance? Nay, there must be a creator, and for only one payment of 99.99, or 3 small, easy payments of 33.33, I will tell you his identity.
TCHF: Some people call your religion a cult, what is your response?
JQG: It may well be a cult, but our Acolytes are some of the most satisfied customers around.
TCHF: Does your religion really preach "Death to all People from Maryland and Death to all Named Booth"
JQG: That is a misinterpretation of one of our myriad of secret religious beliefs. The Supreme Fellows on the Highest Plain of Mortal existence Praise John Wilkes Booth, the one who caused our sins to be forgiven. You can pray for him too for only 6590.23.
TCHF: Many Christians call your religion, "Idolatry of the worst kind." What is your response?
JQG: Well, really you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter. But in short, we believe in a Creator who Created Lincoln, and will Recreate Lincoln to Free us from the Woogies. That is the central Tenant of our church, which is spiritually profound, yes, but certainly not idolatry.
TCHF: Does your church have any contact, where the idiots, I mean true believers can gain spiritual advice and pay their bills?
JQG: Yes, our website www.lincolnsecondcoming.tripod.com is coming soon. But until then, send your cash checks and money orders to The Cold Hard Facts here, and you will see to it that they get to us, right?