Book Deal?

Recently I was talking to one of my friends, and he mentioned he was shocked that I hadn't capitalized on the blog's runaway popularity, in order to make millions off a crummy book that I can trick you all into reading. Oddly enough, the though never occurred to me, but a Cold Hard Facts book, or even better a series of books, does seem like the next logical step.

There's just one small problem. All the bloggers who capitalized their success, primarily had blogs about two things: Sex and Politics. As I told my friend, there just not that big a market among the weirdo and the math-obsessed. But he observed that's why I'm the perfect person to write one, because I am full of both sex and politics. We could combine both into one book, and have ourselves a best-seller.

He was right of course. I mean everybody knows, Edgar Greenberg the life of every party, both political and drinking. Every night I go off to the bar with my friends to discuss the latest hot issue, and every morning I wake up in a dumpster with no memory, but confident that I must have torn up the place. The longer, the louder, the better, that's my motto on parties. I drink so much, I have cirrhosis at 20.Don't you want to read about how I'm wasting my life, Houghton-Mifflen? And of course my reputation with the ladies speaks for itself.* Rumor has it, that I once had 20 girls fling themselves at me in one night*. Nope, I'm certainly not a boring, straight-laced, moral, upright kind of guy. Not at all.

So yeah, I think my book would be perfect. Now all I have to do is find a publisher. I was thinking Scholastic. I mean The Cold Hard Facts on Girls and Graft: My Life: Part One would be the perfect addition to that spam you send out to fifth graders. It would certainly make a name for itself with the teachers.













*It says loser, but it speaks loud and clear. Oh and Random House, just uh ignore these footnotes. They're uh none of your business.
*Well rumor has it now, anyway.

Don't forget to vote tomorrow!

Just a reminder. The all important Edwardsville School Board Elections are tomorrow. The Cold Hard Facts previously hosted a debate between two of the candidates, and if you live in Edwardsville, IL, we urge to carefully read through the whole thing, and then go vote. The election is obviously very close and very important. And judging by the recent spike in hits and controversy engendered by that debate, many of your fellow Edwardsvillians are morons who don't know the meaning of the word humor, and you don''t want them selecting the school board, do you?

If you don't live in Edwardsville, there's still time to grab your rifle and your bible, march down there, and make Edwardsville bleed. We'll take their school board by force if we have to.

Either way, Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party, even in Edwardsville where parties officially don't exist. They just don't know the meaning of fun there. It's up to you to show them how to have a good time.

Which is more important — blogging or studying?

Clearly blogging. Otherwise, why would I bother writing this post?

Injustice!!

Another day, another contest. And guess which blog didn't win. That's right this one. I was robbed. The Seattle Post Intelligencer* crowned some blog called Careerandkids their featured blog. Apparently they were impressed by it's cheap, gimmicky headlines like "Taking Kids on Business Trips," and The Secret to Successful Work Life Balance." Oh and Careerandkids is written by a "Real working parent, Busy Mom, not a journalist who is also a dad." Whoop-de-doo. It's still way worse than Cold Hard Facts and the Post Intelligencer knows it.

I know what you are going to tell me. "Calm down. Maybe Careerandkids really did deserve to win." Well it's not going to work. We have been aiming for that award for the last two weeks straight. We spent ages working up to this moment. Our hour of triumph was at hand. And then fate cruelly snatched the prize from our grasp.

Working Dad you are making a huge mistake. This blog is Chock-full of "Childcare tips". Perhaps you forgot we gave you that exclusive scoop on how to get the best babysitters for the money. And maybe you didn't notice, but only the Cold Hard Facts contains step by step instructions on changing a diaper while driving down the freeway at 90 mph. Perhaps you didn't notice our special segment, "Tele-housework, the wave of the Future." That post alone could revolutionize homemaking and forever change the pardigm of Working Moms. And last but not least we saved countless mothers time and money by teaching them a better way to fold laundry. Careerandkids never did any of that.

And hey, maybe I'm not a mom, and Maybe I don't have kids, and maybe I don't even work, maybe I'm not even a girl, but to deny me the prize is discrimination. What makes you think a mom knows more about childcare than a single man? Isn't that just prejudice? In fact in this enlightened society, shouldn't you specifically choose the poor bum over the experienced mom? Wouldn't that really illustrate the meaning of joint child-rearing? Think about it.

Mr. Working Dad, I urge you to reconsider. Look deep inside yourself, and ask who really deserves that reward. And then disregard that person and give it to me. It's only just.










*Slightly off topic, but what kind of name is the Post Intelligencer? I wonder if there is a Pre Intelligencer too. Perhaps that is Tacoma's Paper. And what in heck does Intelligencer mean anyway?

And you thought I wouldn't post today!

You were right.

Public Service Announcement

Please be advised when applying solutions of Sodium hypochlorite to surfaces previously bathed in solutions of Ammonia. The resulting chloramine manufacture is somewhat undesirable.

In completely unrelated news, Pesach Cleaning is coming along nicely.


Also we still have absolutely no entries in our contest. Be sure to send in those emails.

Reason #28 for Choosing the Hard Sciences

We get better junkmail.

Look, it even has testimonials!





Feel free to prove your junkmail is cooler than mine in the THIRD Cold Hard Facts Contest. Owner of the best junkmail gets to write a blog post.

But, please gynocologists don't even bother sending in your junkmail. I do have some standards.

Face it You Lost

Recently there has been much uproar in Florida about an art exhibit of the Confederate Naval Emblem on a gallows, symbolizing lynching. The Sons of Confederate Veterans are outraged by the display, and are plotting to have it removed. And, the law is on their side, at least technically. In Florida, even though it is perfectly legal and constitutionally protected to burn, stomp on, graffiti, or otherwise desecrate the True Flag of the Country, if I lived in Florida, I would be breaking the law, as it is apparently illegal even to "cast contempt upon
the Confederate flag "by word or by act". Clearly this law is unconstitutional, and there is no way any court would send, artist, John Sims to jail, but the question remains why is the darn flag held in such high regard?

The Confederate flag is not the only Confederate relic some Southerners hold in high regard. Southern Generals are revered, to the point that the name Lee Jackson Smith, sounds almost normal. All across the South, Confederate History Month is officially proclaimed every April*. And Southerners insist on showing their love for the Confederacy in food and song**. Those brave Confederates and their great sacrifice to forge a new nation are honored above all else.

Well Southies, this may trouble you, but you didn't win the "War of Northern Aggression". No, you, what's the word I'm looking for, right LOST. You were defeated. Vanquished. Routed. Conquered. Put down. Crushed. Beaten. Slaughtered. So you really have nothing to feel proud about. You rebelled against your sovereign nation, over slavery ***, which you all say you hate, seized every US fort, took up arms against your own people, started a major war and you lost. You didn't even go down that bravely. So you have nothing to be proud of. NOTHING! You all are just a bunch of sore losers.

Furthermore, you people are such cowards that you won't admit you went to war for a stupid reason and lost. No, you make up excuses. It wasn't about slavery, you say. Either 2/3 or 70% or 90% or a whopping 98% of confederates didn't even own slaves. And that doesn't even include all the slaves who didn't own slaves.**** It's about States' Rights. And you really didn't want to start a war. The north forced you to fire on Fort Sumner. Or better yet, the North fired on their own fort, forcing, I suppose, PGT Beauregard, to try and defend it. All you're doing is honoring the brave soldiers, your proud forbearers, who took up arms to defend their homelands from a foreign invader. And you will honor their treason erm bravery for ever and ever. Oh, and all them Blacks can honor their ancestors in the Confederacy too. They just don't for some reason. Instead, of acknowledging the truth, and taking responsibility, you deny the meaning of the war, and you pretend the Confederacy and its flag has nothing to do with racism. For over 100 years, you have upheld myth of the Fallen South, instead of owning up to your problems. And, you have the gall to accuse us of "Racism" and "Offensiveness", whenever someone dares say you're wrong. I fail to see how that attitude is brave or rebellious in any way.

Well, in many other countries, waving the flag of a rebellion, would get you accused of treason and thrown in jail. In no other country, do governors, senators, army officers, and judges fly the flag of rebellion. Nowhere else do people venerate traitors and name forts and cities after them. Nowhere else, do states annually pass proclamations honoring thee contributions of said traitors. That is done only here. You of all peoples should be grateful you live in the United States, where we let you get away with this kind of behavior.












*Actually that a bad example, and not at all the Cold Hard Facts, because the Texas Senate has a reputation for passing any proclamation, no matter how stupid. But other states passed similar documents.
**Fine here
*** Ok fine, tariffs too. But, who starts a bloody war with hundreds of thousands of deaths over tariffs?
**** Of course every Southern Political Leader owned slaves, and nearly every man who could vote owned slaves, and most of the Confederate Officers owned slaves, and slavery was the only issue discussed leading up to the Civil War, but slavery had nothing to do with it. If most of the Confederates simply went along with their leaders, and did not believe their cause was just, how exactly did they "join the Confederate armed forces to defend their homes, their families, and their proud heritage as Southerners." If they had not blindly followed the slave-owners, their homes and families wouldn't be attacked.

Post Soon

Busy now. No time for Cold Hard Facts.

How many words for snow do you know?

Recently the Rutgers University Student Association drafted a new constitution. Fine, Good, Who Cares? Well normally nobody, but this is Rutgers, and so, naturally, such things are complicated affairs. Instead of just electing a college-wide body of representatives, under the new constitution we elect at least ten, one body for each of the four schools, which supposedly don't exist anymore, one body for Busch Campus which never was a school, but hey it can have a government too, one body each for the Business, Pharmacy, and Engineering Schools, cause G-d Forbid their members vote in one of the five other elections, and in addition, there is a provision in the constitution granting additional reps for cultural councils. Although the cultural councils are not specified in the 10 out 16 pages of the constitution dealing with voting procedure, there is a vague understanding that these cultural councils are specifically for Black and or Asian students. The result of this bureaucracy, is that I get only one vote, a vote for the Livingston Governing Board, and even though I am involved in both Chemistry and Judaism, those interests are not deemed important enough to give me votes. But a Chinese Engineer, or a Black Business student will get three, because they have three different interests on the board. While my engineering friends are overjoyed, I can't help but feel that I am getting gypped.

And so, after considering various options (Should the Chemistry Department secede, and form its own school. Should we blaackmail President McCormick into giving Jews two or three extra votes?), I decided that the best option would be to create a new cultural board, a board we can all be part of. And so with apologies to Inuit and Yupik, the Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council was born. First I get a large group of people with similar interests to mine. Next, we band together in the Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council, and pledge to vote as a block. Last, we get Eskimos recognized as a majority needing extra protection, and BANG, we all get extra votes. Sounds like a plan, right.

I already came up with some catchy slogans. Take a look.

"We use every part of the Walrus bu..." "Every part" "Yes, even that part, but we still only get one vote."

"It rankles my igloo."

"If we have to gulp down raw whale blubber, at least we should get fair representation"

So go ahead join the The Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council— A Cynical Ploy to Garner an Extra Vote for the Rutgers Student Government, and make a positive impact on society. Only with your help, can we all cheat the system!

Hey you wana buy a friend?

Some people are born popular. Others are not so lucky. Some people are just the antithesis of popular and that's just the way life is. Judging by the fact you bother reading my blog, you yourself are one of those pathetic wretches.


In olden days, this was not so problematic. Sure you had no friends, and you were beaten and teased, and you couldn't get a date, and you became a poor, lonely, broken shell of a man. But at least no one knew about it. Now, if you get a Myspace or Facebook account and only make 500 or so friends, and those friends are all hideously ugly, the whole world will know. There is no way around it. If you don't have a Facebook account, you are a hopeless loser, and if you do, everyone knows you are a hopeless loser. You're simply doomed to be a global laughingstock.

But at last there is an answer. According to the New York Times, it is now possible to buy a friend. Well a picture of a friend anyway. Yesm you heard right. For just 99 cents a month, you can have a picture of a hot model in your friends list, and she'll even proclaim her love for you twice a week. And for each 99 cent you pay, she'll proclaim her love an additional two times. Or if you prefer, you can have a hot guy proclaim his love for you twice a week. Who needs a real girlfriend, when, for just 84 bucks, you can have an imaginary person write you a mush note every hour? I mean isn't that awesome? Someone you don't know, who you never will know, and who doesn't even realize her picture is being abused in this fashion, is now pretending to be your girlfriend. You are still a loser, but now no one will ever know. Hey it worked for Lindsay from San Diego. It can work for you too.

So go ahead sign up today. And write in and tell me how it went. I won't make fun of you or anything...

Help a poor guy in need

With Valentine's day rolling around, my thoughts turned to this guy and his poor plea for help.

(click to expand)

If you or someone you know is a hot white girl who is not taken by an Asian or Black, who doesn't mind dating a loser and idiot, and who is not a evil racist Jewish person, please contact soothsayer1489@yahoo.com. That's soothsayer1489@yahoo.com and send him a valentine asap. The Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you.

And if you are rich businessman from Nigeria who needs $1000 to smuggle his vast fortune from Nigeria, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you too.

And if you need to send ten copies of an email out, or suffer a powerful curse, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl is all ears.

And if you are selling drugs for old losers with sorry lives, what's a better place to make a pitch than the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl.

So that's soothsayer1489@yahoo.com. Call now. Remember anyone can be a racist, but there can be only one soothsayer1489@yahoo.com, and he needs your help.

Living on Hot Air

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. For example did you know there are actually people who believe eating is bad for you It's true! According to the frequently Asked Questions on their website, "Q:But if I stop eating I'll die!" A:Not True! This is the biggest lie in history! It is not food that keeps you alive, but your WILL. In fact, it is food or eating(your DIEt) that is killing you!We wonder why we age, or get sick, or smell bad, and finally die; this the DIRECT RESULT of eating! Eating is a destructive act. To eat you must kill or destroy something and we all know what the penalty for killing is. Because we have built up resistance, we don't die right away but slowly, and we call this aging!" Apparently, if you don't eat you can live forever. Really, it's the Cold Hard Fact

I know what you are thinking. You think no one on Earth could possibly live without food or water. Just one glance at a starving child in Africa, or an emaciated Jew after Yom Kippur, seems to illustrate the importance of food and water. And you would be right. No one on Earth could possibly live without food or water.

But breatharians clearly don't come from Earth I mean come on! Did you really think anyone on earth could be so stupid? No, these people come from the transdimensional Earth Prime.See in addition to Old Earth, where all normal people live, there is also Middle Earth, or Transition Earth, containing all matter of wondrous creatures, like this dwarf, but even they are still slaves to their stomachs.



To be free of eating we must go beyond Middle Earth, to a whole new plane of existence, the glorious square root of negative world of Earth Prime. Earth Prime looks exactly like Earth, except that on Earth Prime it is impossible to think rationally and coherently or take a shower. In fact if a Earth Primer even attempts to do either, an anti-time eruption occurs, and he is sucked away for ever. In the words of someone who is, alas all too obviously stuck on Earth prime, we can think of Earth Prime as the "5 dimentional" "original new age" Earth, an "Ethereal" home of the "Star-Colonists" far from the "Lab". Earth Prime also has probability coordinates in 3 dimensional space-time, somewhere in the vicinity of California.

Due to the somewhat unique laws of physics on Earth Prime, those living there often find they do not need to eat, and that they can survive on unused brain tissue alone. As long as they stay in the nether-land of Earth Prime, eating and drinking are unnecessary. Of course when they want to visit Earth, they do what the Earthlings do, but this appearance of eating should not be held against them, as they don't actually get any nutrition from their stops on Earth. It's just, you know, habit.

So how can I visit this glorious world of Earth Prime, you ask. Well G-d know why you would want to, but if you really do, you can travel to Utah, and take a seminar for the ridiculously low introductory price of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS or more. It may sound steep and exorbitant, but think of all the money you save on food, and money has no value to Earth Primers anyway.

Alternatively, if you have have a "basic grasp of quantum physics," you can gradually wean yourself off food and ascend to the higher plane. I suppose that means I can do it, if I really wanted to, but I think I'll take my chances with food. You guys can try it though. If any of you are alive after a month, tell me how it went.

New Post in the works.

A new post will come out some time tomorrow, but the topic is so incredibly weird, I need more time to research it.

Losing the war on Spas

Last month, we reported on the unfortunate growing epidemic of paying to bathe in strange liquids. Now we return to the deadly spa, as we look at incoming reports of even more horrific torture selling for ever more exorbitant prices. The outrage has gotten so bad it calls for an emergency blog post, and marks the inauguration of a new label.


First on our hit list is the thumb massage. Apparently geared towards people addicted to cell phone texting, who can't pay for a full spa treatment, this new service consists of "Thumb Massages," and application of "Light emitting diodes" and Polarized current" to the thumb, ear and, mouth. Normally I am a big fan of LEDs, but using them to rip off stupid women is just sick.

If the thumb massages are not enough to make you cower, just listen to this next spa treatment: Flesh Eating Fish. Yes, that's right. In this treatment a woman sticks her feet into water containing actual fish which are actually encouraged to eat the dead skin offf her toes, so that she looks marginally better in sandals. After that she can pay an additional fee to shave off her eyebrows and replace them with prosthetics. Crazy aain't it. But here's the worst part. Women aren't the only people interested in these treatments. Men too are letting fish eat their flesh. Men also are going for the prosthetic eyebrows. And here's the worst bit, now there are even men who will actually pay to have hot wax poured in an area I won't mention, but suffice to say the procedure sounds incredibly painful. I had hooped that at least men would have more sense than that, but I was wrong. This spa epidemic is too far out of control.

But that's not the worst bit. No the item that made me create this emergency blog post come from the Holy Land A spa is now charging 300 shkalim for the privilege of allowing real live snakes to crawl up and down all over your naked body. Apparently this is supposed to be relaxing. RELAXING? What in the world is less relaxing than having a live snake crawl all over you. I'll tell you what! The thought that I wasted 300 shekalim to have that snake crawl all over me.

The spas have pushed the forces of reason back far enough. We can no longer afford to retreat against this imminent threat. It's time we take a stand. We must fight back, and yes die if we have to. It is the only way we can save society. We must fight back for the sake of the Cold Hard Facts.

Take This Plane Straight to...

A man unsuccessfully tried to hijack a plane with lip balm and an asthma inhaler last Tuesday. Shouting "Take this plane straight to Johannesburg!", he banged on the cockpit door, and threatened to light his lip balm on fire and blow up the plane with the inhaler. The plane continued to Johannesburg, South Africa on schedule, and passengers were rescued in in time to make their connecting flights.

Passengers are severely traumatized, and are suing Air Botswana for Near Endangerment and Emotional Trauma. "My clients will never be able to look at an inhaler again, without laughing hysterically," their lawyer stated. "Besides, what if he had jabbed the balm down someone's throat. They would have choked to death. This was a serious breach of security." Air Botswana was unavailible for comment.

It is believed that the suspect is a member of Al Qaeda. However, in a tape aired on Al Jezeera, Osama bin Laden denied this allegation. "Let the infidels know, that while I hire stupid people, I don't hire peeople that stupid. I am not hiding out in a cave for nothing", bin Laden bellowed.

A copycat hijack attempt was also foiled, when the perpetrator was forced to leave his liquid-containing squirt gun with security before boarding.

President Bush has declared this another victory in the war on terror. "Uh our guys are uh they're doin' a good job. And uh, we gotta keep the good work. We gotta keep making America safe from lip balm and squirt guns" Bush proudly told reporters.

The terror alert level briefly went up to "Fire Engine Red," but it has since been lowered to"Cranberry." In wake of a recent terrorist threat, which the government will not say is actually real, the level was again raised to "Outrageous Orange," last night.

Shoes— Not just for the ladies.

Like most men, I own less than five pairs of shoes. However, members of the other gender are notorious for owning millions of pairs each. This gives them influence over shoe style, and since they tend to like uncomfortable shoes in every imaginable color, that is not a good thing.

But now men are fighting back. Sneakerheads, the technical term for men who own more than tenm pairs of track shoes, are an up and coming new market. And stores are starting to take notice.

Sneakerheading is a trend I can get into, not because I actually care about sneakers but just so I have something to annoy annoying girls with. The next time I hear a girl mention clogs, high tops, or heels, I can ask her which treads go best with moderately faded jeans. In fact, I encourage every man I know to try this. It's time we fight back.

Post Labels

Someone recently remarked that due to the scope of this blog, it sometimes is difficult to obtain the Cold Hard Facts of the required subject matter. We sympathize with these concerns, and we thus proudly introduce our new Logical organizational labeling system.

1) All new posts of blog information will be affixed with the label "Donald Trump".
2) All posts will some truth in them will be labeled "breadsticks", unless another rule would say otherwise.
3) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, the Post will be labeled "Donald Trump", but not "breadsticks".
4) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, and thus the conditions for rule 3 are also satisfied, but there is also falsehood in the post, the "Warning" label will be affixed, in warning
4) If acupuncture is mentioned even in passing, the dog doo label is applicable.
5) If a reference is made to a label, the post will be labeled with the "label" label.
6) Any post referencing astrology will be labeled "Fresh Kills," unless Jupiter is in the fifth house.
8) Jupiter is assumed not to live in houses.
9) Any post which does not contain the words "Cold hard Facts," will be labeled "Cold Hard Facts."
10) Any post which would not merit any label whatsoever merits the sympathy label, "Oil of Violets."

Technical Difficulties

Due to lack of internet connection at my residence, last Friday's, Today's, and possibly Wednesday's posts will be delayed. For once, I have an excuse.

Rutgers was Robbed Again!

Like any fan of their, Alma Mater, I spend a good portion of my day cheering for for Rutgers, and when Rutgers doesn't win I cry and pout for weeks. This is especially so when the loss is the result of unfair calls. In that case my friends and I sit around railing at the injustice of referees, even years after the event.

Alas Rutgers is agian a victim of conspiricy. The Young America Foundation just released it's "Dirty Dozen", a listing of "America’s Most Bizarre and Politically Correct College Courses," and Rutgers was not on it. In fact not one of Rutgers's courses has ever been listed, not even once. But do you know which college is host to the all-time worst? That's Right, it's Princeton, who is apparently our rival. Grrr, it makes me so angry.

Well for your information, Young America Foundation, Rutgers has plenty of stupid, nonsense courses. We are the king of stupid, nonsense, courses. Your arch-nemisis, Liberalism is the very demon-spawn of Rutgers. And I for one, want recognition for them. So today for the benifit of the bozos at the Young America Foundation, we will be looking at the Cold Hard Facts of Rutgers College Courses. We'll see if we can't beat those snoods at Columbia and Cornell*.

Opening Rutgers's course Catalog to a random page, we come to the total lunacy of the... Physics department. Hastily closing the book, we reopen it, to the Religion Department. Ah here we go. What is more stupid than 01:840:201 The Old Testament, an interpretation of basic Hebrew Scriptures in translation; history of religious themes such as sin, covenants, and prophecy, in ancient Israel? Translation: The Tanach, as taught by a Christian who speaks no Hebrew or Aramaic, who believes an eye for an eye is literal, and who has never heard of commentaries. It could only be 01:840:401 Seminar in Old Testament Literature, a study of the role in redactional criticism in determining literary structure, interdependence of primary divisions, and development of basic themes in the Hebrew's Scriptures. Translation: Using the pseudoscientific field of Literary Criticism on the English "translation" of the Latin "translation", of the Greek "translation" of the Tanach, in the hopes of making everyone very angry. Oh and Young America Foundation, here's a course you may not have heard of. 01:840:439 Terrorism in Christianity: An unbiased, rational, didactic look at Pogroms, Inquisitions, Crusades, Blood-Libels, Expulsions, and Ronald Reagan**. Can you honestly say that is not worse than Native American Feminisms? Take that University of Michigan.

Moving over to the Philosophy Department we find courses like 01:730:421 Semantics of Language, covering traditional questions about the semantics of names, predicates, adverbs, psychological ascriptions , and demonstrative and indexical expressions. Verbs of Change. Comparative Adjectives. I'm not even going to attempt to translate that one, but I will point out that "Verbs of Change." is a Sentence Fragment. In your face, Plato! Here's another pointless course, 01:730:418 Philosophy of Mind. Mind-body problem, the nature of consciousness; rationality; intentionality; human freedom; Theories of Dualism, physicalism, functionalism, and behavioralism. I'm not sure what that course teaches either. In fact, I'm not sure what half these courses in this department teach. If it was up to me, I would change the department name to "Logic," and can every philosophy course whose description contains more than one made up word, discounting names.

Next we turn to Black African Africana Studies. Covering a full Three! pages of nonsense. First we start with linguistics courses. I believe these are important, and if someone wants to learn Hausa, there should be a course in it. But let us compare the course discription of Elementary Hausa with that for the corresponding courses in Arabic, Hebrew, and Japanese. Hausa: Development of Oral and Written Proficiency. Student exposed to, gain an appreciation for, and possibly identify with a number of African Peoples and Cultures. Arabic: Development of oral and written proficiency. Japanese: Introduction to grammer and writing systems; practice in speaking, reading, and writing. Hebrew: Speaking, reading, and writing; oral-aural exercises. Notice the difference? And then we have the "History" courses, which I can't even make heads or tail of. And then, are you listening Young America Foundation, we have 01:014:366History of Race and Sex, with the very vague discription,"Examines how race and gender have independently and jointly determined life chances throughout America." I thought that course was bad, but it's apparently not bad enough for the critics at the Young America Foundation.

Rutger will rise from the Ashes, Young America Foundation! Just will till you see next year's lineup. I dare you to deny the prize to 01:988:346 The Evolutionary Basis of Feminism***.

My father sent me to old Rutgers,
And resolv'd that I should be a man;
And so I settled down,
In that noisy college town,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

Then sing aloud to Alma Mater
And keep the scarlet in the van'
For with her motto high
Rutgers' name shall never die
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

*Actually Columbia has never won either. But it came closer to being a runner-up. Cornell's Course on Cyberfeminism is admittedly ridiculous, but it still rankles.
**Actually I made that course up, in the hopes of getting the Young America Foundation really annoyed at us, therby giving a bigger chance to win with a course that actually exists. It's called Reverse Psychiatry.
***Ditto.