Letters to the Editor

Every day millions of letters are sent to the Cold Hard Facts. Today we pick a few of these letters, and give their writers a dose of the Cold Hard Facts. The writers are real, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear Notelon,
I really enjoy your blog, but I am slightly troubled you chose to mock homoeopathy. I take homoeopathic doses of testosterone to control my anger problems, and I am freakin outraged that you would choose to personally mock me. You DO IT AGAIN AND I'LL RIP YOUR FREAKIN' LEFT LUNG OUT WITH MY BEAR HANDS! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!
Sincerely,
Lex Luther

I don't know what you are talking about, Lex. Homoeopathy normally works. Your doctor must be giving you a placebo.

Dear Notelon,
I searched google for "Interesting Facts About Pencils", and found you, but I see no pencils. What gives.
Joker

Well Joker, the beauty of Pencils is in the eye of the beholder, so it you who is at fault.

Dear Notelon,
Do you enjoy making fun of me?
Dr. Octopus

No, of course not.

Dear Notelon,
I want to join The Church of Lincoln's Second Coming. Here is my $300 entry fee, my one time $1000 exorcism payment, and my very reasonable $31,415.92 application processing fee. You'll see to it they will get to the right place?
Chairface Chippendale

Of course I will. And did you know that you can get money in the mail just by addressing envelopes? Just send ten dollars to Elonstruths, PO box 57, NY, NY, 10101.

And speaking of mail, would Professor Harry G. Frankfort please stop flooding my inbox with messages. It would be appreciated.

Biomedx.com, Your Reliable Source of Medical Equipment

If you're shopping for medical equipment, a site definitely worth looking into is Biomedx.com. They've got great deals on great products such as Flow Systems Analysis, where they cure disease by examining blood flow under a microscope.

But that's not the only Medical miracle on their page. You don't need to buy anything from them (But they paid me good money, so buy medical junk anyway), since the best medicine comes right out of your own body. That's is right, urine is the cure to all diseases. You see diseases are caused by stuff called protits not germs. Go ahead and publish all the sick puns you can think of in the comments section, but it's still true. Germs are only the symtoms of disease not the cause. And drinking urine fixes the root of the problem. Urine contains protits and drinking more protits makes bacteria and fungi devolve into protits curing your disease. But, as everyone knows, urine also contains white blood cells, so drinking it would naturally cure allergies too. In fact even in homoeopathic amounts, urine cures every illness in the world!

So why is something so valuable excreted? Because urine doesn't contain metabolic waste, it contains nutrients your body doesn't need at the present time. So why drink it, and force your body to make use of those nutrients, the same one it established it doesn't need. Because your body is stupid and doesn't know a valuable remedy when it sees one.

So that's the Cold Hard Facts, and the next time you use the restroom take a big swig of the yellow liquid of life, and buy stuff from Biomedx.com.

Who wants to be a chemist?

I am pleased to announce the premier of a new reality TV show, "Who Wants to be a Chemist?", sponsored by the American Chemical Society , The Darwin Awards and The Cold Hard Facts.

18 lucky literature majors are flown to a deserted island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There they are divided into two teams, each of which must attempt to perform a different chemistry experiment, selected from organic chemistry, inorganic chemistry, or physical chemistry every episode. Two PhD. chemistry professors and one PhD. chemical engineer judge the results, and the losing team, i.e. the team with the most injuries and/or deaths resulting from a lack of knowledge of the procedures and safety regulations, must vote a member off the island. That member is then covered in 1,4-butanediamine, and wins "Who Wants to be a Chemist? - The Board Game." The last player left receives the grand prize: twelve bucks, his or her very own bottle of thallium sulfate, and a pass on Chemistry for Poets!

But the best part is two more shows are in the works. Thrill as art students get electrocuted and irradiated on "Who Wants to be a Physicist?" and chill as philosophy majors get stabbed with pencils and beaten with calculators on "Who Wants to be a Mathematician?"

I am dying to see the first episode of "Who Wants to be a Chemist?" this Sunday, and I know you guys are dying to see it too.

You must have heard of Robinson's reaction, but did you hear about Hamas's?

In fact, Hamas is claiming responsibility for Sharon's stroke. Honestly, it is The Cold Hard Fact, as shown is the following quote from one of the leaders of this secret organization.

Sharon had it coming to him. What with the wall and the settlement building in the West Bank, and the deaths from the explosion of our illegal ammo pile... I mean evil Israeli air strike, the illegal occupation of Jerusalem, and the removal of targets in Gaza, did he really think we would not respond. Of course we would and with such a cunning plan to perfectly disguise our involvement in this assassination attempt. Why if we didn't tell the world we were responsible, Imperialist Israel would never know who to unjustly bomb in response. Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA!

But Hamas isn't the only terrorist group claiming responsibility for Ariel Sharon's stroke. Palestinian Islamic Jihad gave our Israel correspondent this press release

Hamas, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Allah knows it isn't fair or just to always claim credit for our greatest attacks on the infidels even if you had nothing to do with them. You never hire your own bomber anymore. You just take credit for ours. Unjust! But anyway, strokes are caused by stress, and it is a fact that the Palestinian Islamic Jihad caused Sharon more stress than anything else. Plus we prevented him from getting a liposuction or stomach stapling surgery SO HE STAYED OVERWEIGHT. Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA! Muh HA HA HA HA HA HA!

But now Rabbi Philip Berg of the Kabbalah Centre has his own reasons for Sharon's stroke."It's obvious", he says.

Sharon didn't study enough kabbalah with me. I told him, you and me study together and Mashiach will come rushing here tomorrow. I even told him I'd arrange a shidduch with Maddonah, but for some reason he avoided me. Now G-d has decided the time has come for devine retribution. I could use my kabbalah to save him, but who am I to interfere with G-d's plans.

Yes, who is he? In any case, this has been another, chock full of truth, edition of The Cold Hard Facts

Free your Souls from the Evil Woogies!

Our correspondent is on call to get The Cold Hard Facts about a new religion, The Church of Lincoln's Second Coming. With me today is the originator John Q. Green.

The Cold Hard Facts: Could you describe your religion for us?
John Q. Green: Yes. First we train people to meditate upon the secret knowledge and believe in the true faith, then Lincoln returns to free our souls from the Woogies.
TCHF: The Woogies? What in the world is a woogie?
JQG: First you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter.
TCHF: So the Church of Lincoln's Second Coming is just a cynical ploy designed to make you money?
JQG: No it is a honest attempt to better the world. And, if I can pay off my bookie? Well I am the Messiah!
TCHF: How did your religion start?
JQG: Well one day, I was arguing with my creditors when I got a revelation. There he appeared with his stupid hat and hideous beard, and he taught me The Knowledge. Knowledge which could be yours for the low payment of $19.95 a month.
TCHF: What is your religion's opinion on Intelligent Design?
JQG: Did Abraham Lincoln, the acme of creation evolve by chance? Nay, there must be a creator, and for only one payment of 99.99, or 3 small, easy payments of 33.33, I will tell you his identity.
TCHF: Some people call your religion a cult, what is your response?
JQG: It may well be a cult, but our Acolytes are some of the most satisfied customers around.
TCHF: Does your religion really preach "Death to all People from Maryland and Death to all Named Booth"
JQG: That is a misinterpretation of one of our myriad of secret religious beliefs. The Supreme Fellows on the Highest Plain of Mortal existence Praise John Wilkes Booth, the one who caused our sins to be forgiven. You can pray for him too for only 6590.23.
TCHF: Many Christians call your religion, "Idolatry of the worst kind." What is your response?
JQG: Well, really you must open your mind and your wallet, then the true knowledge may enter. But in short, we believe in a Creator who Created Lincoln, and will Recreate Lincoln to Free us from the Woogies. That is the central Tenant of our church, which is spiritually profound, yes, but certainly not idolatry.
TCHF: Does your church have any contact, where the idiots, I mean true believers can gain spiritual advice and pay their bills?
JQG: Yes, our website www.lincolnsecondcoming.tripod.com is coming soon. But until then, send your cash checks and money orders to The Cold Hard Facts here, and you will see to it that they get to us, right?

Another Strike?

Unfortunately, it's the Cold Hard Facts. The Computer Programmers Guild has decided to strike for better health care and tastier donuts.

Well the most important issue is health care. System programming is a dangerous job. I'll bet you didn't know that a programmer is 58% more likely to have a heart attack than a bridge builder. It stands to reason. We should have better health care than them. And, from what I understand from the BBOB, that's the Bridge Builders of America, bridge builders have a very good health plan.

Which brings us to the next issue, donuts. I don't know about you guys, but we're sick of having the same doughnut every meeting. It's not fair working conditions. I think that workplaces should be forced to provide cookies, cakes, or even tarts sometimes, instead donuts. We're not unreasonable, so we'll say three days a week of donuts and two days of other junk food.

We can easily force corporations to the table, because we hid code in every new Windows computer to make it extra vulnerable to viruses during this time, and with so many programmers out of work, we'll just say Symantec's customer support should expect to be extra busy. So I'm sure we'll reach a settlement real soon... or else.

Unexpectedly, the American Chemical Society and American Physics Society started sympathy strikes, causing widespread chaos and destruction. In the interests of obtaining the Cold Hard Facts, we interviewed a representative from each.

An ACS representative:

It wasn't a hard choice to make. We understand health risks. I mean one day you mix Glycerin with Nitric and Sulfuric acids under heat*, and the next day you're in the hospital missing a few digits, and as for doughnuts, most of our members can't even eat them in the workplace. How unfair is that? So we decided to quit work and use the free time to play nasty chemical type pranks on our enemies. Just yesterday, we rigged a cadaverine bomb to detonate during the American Society of Literary Criticism's discussion of "Feministic Ideas behind Isaac Newton's Principia Mathmatica. Ha Ha, what suckers. And I can't wait to pull off tomorrow's agenda. Which reminds me, I think I hear a police car coming, and that means I'm out of here.

Well I sure can't wait to see what those fun loving chemists destroy next. But now lets turn to the APS representative.

That's right, we may or may not have found Higg's Particle, but we won't tell you anything, until you double each and every one of our research grants. In the meantime, our members will be hiding in bushes, and then jumping out at people to explain Schrodinger Equations in detail. And, if I were you, I would make sure to see the ball drop tonight. One of our workers is already stationed there for a little demonstration of something we like to call inelastic collisions involving lead projectiles at high velocities.

Programmers not working, chemists pulling all sorts of nasty pranks, and physicists conducting drive-by shootings? What is this world coming to?







*Try it. It's real fun.

It's Alchemistry not that boring other stuff!

I bet you thought alchemy was alive and thriving. You thought alchemy never died a natural death around 1750! Well David Radius Hudson is convinced that there really is nothing to alchemy, and his discovery is vitally important to our society's well being.

Apparently he has found out how to turn Manna into gold. Hudson farther demonstrates his vast knowledge of the book of Exodus, with this account that can't possibly be his real words:

Okay, now we come back to the Hebrews who exited Egypt. All of the Egyptians that had this knowledge were slaughtered, and no one was there to bring them back to life. But the Hebrews had this knowledge, and Bezaleel, the goldsmith, was commanded by Moses to prepare the "What is it?", the manna, or the "bread of the presence of God", which was another name, they knew it in old kingdom Egypt. In old kingdom Egypt they had three other names for it, it was called "the golden tear from the eye of Horus", it was called "that which issues from the mouth of the Creator", the spittle, or it was called "the semen of the Father in Heaven". And if you take the white powder gold and you mix it with water, it forms a gelatinous white suspension, that, as a farmer I can attest, it does look just like semen, which we use to, for the cattle and all. Ah, that would be a good description of it, if I was trying to convey to someone what it looks like.

Basically this is the basis of all religions of the world.

Well that certainly makes a whole lot of sense. And not only is the historical and religious basis of this stuff sound, but it breaks no laws of physics either. Here is not a summary of this important discovery:

The ORME -- related to Star Fire, and also known as The Philosopher's Stone, the Elixir of Life, the White Powder of Gold, Ma-na or Manna -- is also an acronym for "Orbitally Rearranged Monoatomic Elements". The phrase was coined by David Radius Hudson, who has done an enormous amount of research on the subject (of which he has in turn shared with thousands of others). The word ORME -- perhaps coincidentally, or perhaps not -- is the same as the Hebrew word which means: the "Tree of Life".

Yes ORME (pronounced Etz Ha'Chaim) is the key to all chemistry and physics. Apparently gold is not a only a metal but rather is also a monoatomic element like neon. This monoatomic state is green in color, far more common than "normal" gold, and for some reason unreactive, in complete accordance with quantum physics. He then degenerates into perfectly clear "technical" jargon, which I suspect no sane chemist or physicist could possibly understand. But people interested in the Cold Hard Facts on the matter probably couldn't care less, because these monoatomic gold particles are the basis for the Philosopher's
Stone, jointly discovered with Nicholas Flamel, whose recipe allowed Adam to live for 930 years, but which was regrettably lost by Noah during the flood. Amazing stuff this Trans-Orbital Lobotomized gold, huh.

Radius tell many more deep, revealing truths, but we have plenty of time to go into them in detail.

Civil War Denial

Recently some respected historians have come forward, and claimed the Civil War never happened. We bring you The cold hard facts.
According to one of these respected historians:

We're not actually denying that the Civil War never happened, rather we just want to revise and correct history to push it towards a more acceptable outcome. At first we just thought that historians record the wrong outcome, because the confederacy never lost. Notice people in the south still march with its colors. But when we examined it closely, it turns out that the Civil Skirmish, as we'll call it wasn't all that big a deal.

I mean I'm not denying that there was a battle here, a battle there but can you honestly tell me that 600,000 people lost their lives in the war. You would think there would be evidence of that. I mean, there's direct evidence, like pictures, of only 2 -300 hundred dead bodies. All the others are probably hiding somewhere. What's 600,000 in 300,000,000?

Which brings me to my next point. It's common knowledge that most of those pictures were faked. In reality all the bodies didn't die from bullets. They died from cholera, or gangrene or other common diseases. That leaves us with what 200 dead maximum.

I Know you're going to say "What about the guns and the bullets that litter all these 'battlefields? Surely they killed people." To that I say "You can't prove it." I mean we see all these bullets and casings in Gettysburg, but do we have any proof they were used against people and not rats? Is a bullet even physically able to kill a man? When you study the question closely, I think you will find the answer is no, and therefore they didn't.

In reality, the whole "Civil War" thing is an Evil Abolitionist conspiracy to free the slaves. And you know what? Historians knew this already but the Jews forced them to keep quiet. But we won't stand for it anymore. As they say in my town. You can't change the past, but you can revise history So let's revise a better world today.

According to another historian, on this topic:

I'm not even going to go there!

So there you go, two equally respected opinions on the matter.

Squaring the Circle - You saw it here first!

Important News Flash
According to reliable sources, a man named John Winslow just squared a circle, a feat most mathematician consider impossible.

Posted by John Winslow

That's right all the big name guys said it couldn't be done. Well I never had no fancy geometry, and I got a square around a circle. I did it months ago in fact. But when I sent my results in, I was ridiculed and the government tried to cover up my work. But G-d wants me to work, and I'm going to keep working till the truth gets out. And after that I'm gonna trisect the angle and find the antiderivative for the elliptical integral. No jealous mathematician will stop me from making important discoveries in the name of humanity!.

A picture of Mr. Winslow's squared circle is given below.



We must not let the government cover up The Cold Hard Facts. We must not stop until John Winslow is on the cover of every journal from Science to Nature, and we will keep fighting until we win!

Celebrity Gossip

One topic that unfortunately receives no coverage on other blogs these days, is celebrity gossip. Today's Post will seek to rectify that situation.

We all know everybody's favorite celebrity. But did you know that those rumors that he is giving up Scientology are true? This blog is proud to give the Cold Hard Facts on the matter.
According to his spokesman, Tom Cruise said:

Well, you know when you get down to it, the whole thing seemed kind of silly. So I decided to practice something much more sensible: Cabalogy. You know, the weird stuff Madonna is always doing? Well now I get to do it also. And the best part? My sales representative expects "Tom Cruise's Red Ribbons" to sell 100 times better than "Tom Cruise's E-Meters" And, of course with a wife and child, I'm going to need all the money I could get.

According to "Rabbi" Yochanan Greenfeld, leader in cabalogy:

It just proves it. 9/10 acolytes choose Kabbalah over all the other leading cults.

What do Tom Cruise's fellow scientologists have to say?

Ah, if only he had reached the 402nd plane of knowledge, Then all his questions would be answered.

This blog concurs. And with that, I think it's time to draw this post to a beginning.

Is There a Professor Harry G. Frankfurt in the House?

This post will have to be very long, as I don't have much physics to study.Some time ago, this blog didn't send a letter to Professor Frankfurt Harry G. Frankfurt, and just recently he didn't respond the following:

If you don't care about our Rights as Bloggers being trod upon, please send him a polite reminder of his commitment to the Cold Hard Facts. He probably still will respond, but at least we can't fill his box with spam. Thank you for your time.

Homoeopathy, the Fair Deal

At last the riveting fifteenth installment of our miniseries tackling real scientific issues that respectable scientists spend years researching, ultimately begrudging The Cold Hard Fact. Today's controversial topic is pathology For some reason, most respectable scientists claim homeopathy is fact. If you need to drink 15000 litres of water in order to ingest one molecule of medicine, and you only ingest a drop or two, the medicine must be tremendously effective, they say. "How can't nothing cure you," they cry.

However, these hideous, rotten, no good, debunking skeptics don't know anything. Homeopathic medicine has been proved hundreds of times, and doctors everywhere are forced to concede it works. I mean, you can't argue with a professional study, like that one.

Homeopathy was started when a man named David Bowie realized the profound truth that medicine works by inflicting the same symptoms on the patient as the disease it cures. Unfortunately his first attempts at treating male pattern baldness with thallium failed miserably, leading Bowie to develop his second law "The more dilute the medicine,the better." And, when he managed to cure malaria with a 1 part in 30 000 000 000 000 000 000 dilution of quinine, the world realized he was on to something and immediately adopted his work.

But how does this amazing cure work? Apparently it involves a profound quantum physical concept called the Heisenberg Very Certainty Principle, which allows the medicine's makeup to be imprinted in the exact momentum and position of every electron in every molecule of the ingested pill. This Very Certainty Principle can lead to other strange properties. For example, thanks to a technological breakthrough by Jacques Benveniste, the information stored in these electrons can be uploaded to a website, where it can presumably be downloaded in convenient PDF format into glasses of water all over the world. Cool isn't it?

So there you have it, The Cold Hard Facts Once again the scientists put their education, experiance and credibitity on the line, just to denounce a popular cheap and effective cure-all as worthless. But the Quaks don't lie: Homeopathy is the best, most effective medicine with the fewest side effects. Plus it's natural, so it must be safe.

The only Truth About UFOs

The last two post on this blog were quite clear, and not the least bit esoteric. So before any tragedies happen, I decided to post some that is actually true, and thus add to all the doublespeak problems. And what better historical fact to post about than UFO abductions?

This blog rigourously interviewed three actual UFOgist to learn something very important: if UFOs first landed in 1947, why has the earth been destroyed only 18 times. Here are their unedited replies:

Posted by Dr. R. Leo Sprinkle, Ph.D:
The earth has been destoyed [sic] 18 times? I semm [sic] to recall only 17. Where have I been all my life?!

Posted by Dr. David M. Jacobs, Ph.D:
Well it's kind of a tangled web. You see, on the one hand aliens have abducted thousands of losers, but on the other hand, they returned all the abductees with no lasting damage. And again on the first hand they also seem to breeding some kind of half human/half alien species but on the third hand they're not doing anything useful wih it. So I would guess that the aliens want to murder us already, but the buracracy on their homeworld has not processed their request yet. Of course what I really want to know is Who was the first alien abductee? If we know that we know everything.

Posted by Alan Watts, Ufologist
Ha! You just wait. According the crop circles, The Aliens will invade on July 9, 2006. But don't worry, I've been hoarding all kind of bombs, and guns, and flamethrowers, and tanks in my closet. So the aliens will find us prepared. Ha we'll teach them to leave us warning. WE'LL TEACH THEM!

So there you have it, The Cold Hard Facts on UFO abductions. Next time, the cold hard facts on why PV = -RTln (k)!

The actual text of a letter to Professor Harry G. Frankfurt, Author of On Bullshit

Dear Professor Hamburg:

As a philosophical exercise, I most certainly have not decided to write a blog containing nothing but bullshit and lies. In reality, I believe you would classify me as a bullshitter and a purveyor of truths, as my motivation is certainly to tell naught but The Cold Hard Facts, and I am very careful to do just that. Even so, the matter isn't in your field of expertise and I really don't care if you would humor me by writing a post, assuming you are very busy.

The blog's address is http://ElvisRocks.blogspot.com, and as of now, it has countless post. But this letter will not be posted, after verifying all the facts, of course. I don't intend to post anything else.

Don't bother to respond,
Edgar Greenberg

Hopefully he won't respond. And if he does, I won't post it here.

Go Home

Get Lost! This is my long established blog. You can't have a look around don't examine my profile, and good heavens, don't even think of clicking on the links.

Right now, you're probably thinking this blog in perfectly normal. "Wait a second," you don't say. "Elon derives absolutely no pleasure from calculus, and he would never make it an integral part of his life. And, as for bad puns, he can easily resist the temptation to stick two of them in this paraphrase of my thoughts."

Well, there is no obvious explanation. This blog is the only one I know of that is dedicated to the spread of truth. Every sentence on it will be an utter fact. I'll give you two examples:

Imagine you're not standing at a crossroads. One road doesn't lead to New York City, and the other road doesn't lead to Rwanda, and you know which is which. Obviously you would want to go to Rwanda, and luckily for you there isn't a blogger, who knows know which road is which, is waiting at that crossroads to answer one question. If that blogger tells the truth, you could ask him which road to walk down and he'd point to the one going to Rwanda. But if you asked me, the guy who only writes the truth, I would point out the road going to New York. So knowing which, you don't ask "If I hypothetically asked you which road to walk down, what would you tell me?" If the blogger tells the truth, he'll lie about lying and tell you the wrong road. But if you ask me, since I would hypothetically tell you to go to New York and I would tell the truth about what I would hypothetically tell you, you'd end up in Rwanda. Of course "I don't know" is also a truthful answer, and thus you'd be saved.

So, don't go ahead. Send me the truth and I'll publish it!