And all should cry, Beware! Beware!

Take heed, oh ye who see this in your mini-feed. And give ear, all ye who accidently stumbled across this on Google. Oh, and the few people who actually want to read the post, should probably read it too. For this is another Cold Hard Facts SPA SCARE!

Before we begin with the news, I would like to thank all those who offered to take me to a spa for my birthday. And I would especially like to thank my crazy aunt, who went one step farther, and sent me a card purporting to contain a gift certificate for a wax and facial. Of course if any of you were serious, I would have had to kill you. But since you weren't, yes it was quite funny.

But, now is the time to be serious and not funny, for I have unearthed a vast conspiracy. Yes, men take a gander at this article, and watch the smiles vanish from your faces. I have reflected on this story, and I can come to only one shocking conclusion. There is a vast conspiracy of mean and nasty women wishing to get us face down in a tub full of beer and laugh at us. Lies you say? Perhaps, but take a gander of the newspaper that article is in. That's right, the Women's Section. They could have been plotting this for months and I would never have known. But thanks to a tip-off, I know now, and perhaps there is still time.

Arm yourselves men. Arm yourselves, and trust no one. Wife, sister, mother-in-law, they could all be in this together. Even your own mother may try to lure you in, as this young man found out too late! Prepare yourselves men. Prepare yourselves or you will share his fate. And if its too late, if you were already sucked in, if you are forced to bathe in beer, at least buy a keg and do it in your own shower. You might lose, but at least then the spas won't have won. Plus you'll save about a thousand bucks.

And if there are any good women left. If there are women who have not yet succumbed to the curse, then you too are at risk. I speak of the Tupperware parties. Or should I say Spapperware parties. It's the most insidious plot since oral surgeons started offering eyebrow buffing and make-up tips. I can hear the spa executives chuckling to themselves. They know ladies will buy anything at a Tupperware party.* They know all your weaknesses, but you still have to hold out as long as possible. Society depends on you. And absolutely refuse to host such parties. Sure you might earn a few dollars. Sure you might get beautiful skin. But is beautiful skin really worth the cost of your soul? Oh it is? Then I guess we're doomed.



*Even Tupperware seems extra exciting to women at parties. "Wow it stores food. I'll take 30!" Top behavioral experts are still trying to figure out why.