The Cold Hard Facts

New Post Soon

2011-01-17T19:18:00.001-05:00

Sorry. These investigative dealies take much longer to write than the standard, "January 12: Life is great. Bought a new pair of shoes. Baby brother learned to cartwheel." Hang in there.

I'll try to get one up a month. Right now, three different ones are in the works, and we'll see how they progress.

Is a career in golf right for you? Man, is it ever!

2010-12-28T21:23:00.021-05:00

So I was minding my own business on Facebook when this popped up.

I mean, I wouldn't have thought so, but it worked okay for Tiger Woods. I certainly could use the Wheaties® Endorsement Fees. So let's do this. We're gonna do something different this time. I'm filling it out in real time, so you can all follow along with me, and then post your results in the comments box. Here it goes.

Registration:

I tried to pick a good address, and Fairlawn was the most golfing related town I could think of.

Page One:

I wasn't really sure what to put here. I mean I have no idea if golfers are the type of people to be playing Quicken when they should be studying. But I think we all can agree Tiger Woods is an expert in Time Management, if you get my drift. Man those jokes write themselves.

Also, this is probably why analytical chemists are so juvenile. Those guys are bouncing off walls. I mean, grow up people! I suppose it is the sacrifice they have to make.

Page Two:

I'll be honest with you. This is entirely live. I was expecting questions about vision, coordination, and putting. I could never have hoped for this weird psychology mumbo-jumbo. Scout's Honor!

Page Three:

I sincerely hope that taskbar down there is not accurate. This is entirely tedious. At least Question 12 mentioned the word golf. Yeah, 15b was too much a stretch, even for me, right now.

Page Four:

More Golf. I assumed proper club usage is the priority over study habits. Then again, if you don't study, how will you remember which club to choose?
Page π:
This is taking way too long. I even forgot to bold half this pages. Well I'm going to keep slogging though. But you can scroll down and cut to the chase. Just don't tell me if passed. I want it to be a surprise.

Page 5:

Just going with As this time. Don't worry, there will be plenty of time for jokes later.

Page Six

I think we've had some of these before, no?

Seven

Isn't golf a solo sport? What's with all these "Pushes Others to Be Better" type questions? Is this an interview for golf players or parole officers?

Eight...

I hope Google has enough room on its server for all these screen shots.

Page Arrgh!
Enough of this, I think. I saved all the pages on my drive. Send me an email if you want the rest. I might even crack a joke or two, if I'm feeling charitable.

DONE!!
One Hundred and twelve questions. I've had lab practicals shorter than that. Well let's see how I did.

I hate you.

ADDENDUM:
This result was too good to pass up as an ending to the post. But I didn't want to leave you guys in suspense, so I got another fake email, and took the survey again.

Three Stars! Pretty good for the guy who always got picked last in gym class, eh? I dare you to do better. Here is the link. Apply now! Our operator is standing by!

ADDENDUM 2: Moot informs me that Page 3 is there twice, and Page 4 not at all. I checked my archive, and this is unfortunately because I accidentally took two screenshots of Page 3 and none of Page 4. You aren't missing much.

DiamondAura: Faker Than Fake

2010-04-25T16:28:00.008-04:00

Recently, I started to get interested in jewelery. No, it is not because I am thinking about getting married. I will nip that rumor in the bud. It is because I am a scientist, and when I see a challenge like this, I can’t say no.

Most people have heard by now that gem-quality diamonds can now be created in a lab. Several years ago, there was much hype that the day of affordable high-quality diamonds was about to roll in, and that DeBeers was doing everything it could to fight it. The ad certainly goes out of the way to hype up its new lab process. And the diamonds are certainly cheaper than the real thing. So are these the hyped up, lab-created, gem-quality diamonds we have been waiting for? The ad seems designed to make you think so, but what are the Cold Hard Facts?

I was rather suspicious that these were actually real synthetic diamonds. The reason being, and jewelry companies do not want you to know this, is that synthetic jewelry is just as expensive as mined jewelry. Why shouldn’t it be? If it can’t be distinguished, who’s going to know the difference? Thus, even though rubies and sapphires have been made in labs for the past hundred years, they are still rare and valuable. And even though, Kino no longer has to risk life and limb, cultured pearls are still out of you price range. It is simply more economical to maintain the monopoly and sell to the rich, than to flood the market and sell to the poor. The rarity is now artificially generated, but it is still there. I would not be surprised to learn that DeBeers now makes many of its diamonds in a lab, and just hides that fact. Since these diamonds are way cheaper than real diamonds, it seemed likely to me that they were fake. But could I prove it?

The first way to distinguish real diamonds from fakes is the tried and true flame test. Contrary to what you may have heard, diamonds are not forever. They are actually unstable with regards to oxidation, or in layman’s terms, they burn. Fake diamonds, on the other hand, are pretty much forever. So one way to tell the difference between a real diamond and a fake is to heat it. The diamond will disappear in a puff of smoke, and the fake will be unharmed. Now I was sorely tempted to actually do this, but two things dissuaded me. 1) Diamonds don’t burn easily in only 20% oxygen. So in order to do the experiment properly, I would need to get the DiamondAura quite hot, possibly by way of using an oxidizer and something like a thermite reaction. This would make exercising that money-back guarantee rather awkward, once I blew the setting, but not the DiamondAura, to hell. 2) To properly conduct the experiment, I would need a control, and blowing up my mother’s engagement ring, struck me as a rather bad idea. Actually, if any relatives happen to read this, this whole paragraph was just a joke. I never even considered doing this. In fact, Mommy, just ignore that I ever wrote it.

So flame tests were out. How about hardness? Diamonds are well-famed for their ability to scratch glass. These DiamondAura are prominently advertised to do the same. Does that make them legit? Not really. Many things scratch glass, including sand and cubic zirconia, so no proof there. A better test would be to see if it could scratch a ruby or another diamond, but again, destroying another gemstone was out.

So is there a non-destructive way to tell? There actually is, and if any readers actually have any DiamondAura stuff, I urge you to try this. True diamond conducts heat incredibly well, better than metal even. A real diamond will generally feel cold to the touch, unless it is hotter than your body, in which case it will burn like crazy. Using a playground slide made of diamond would be a bad idea. So if you touch a diamond with your finger, and then touch the other end to an ice cube, the cube will melt appreciably. If you do the same with a fake, it won’t*. Something called the thermister test works on the same principle, but is more accurate. And unlike the first two tests, this one won’t destroy the DiamondAura or the control. SO, I could technically order a DiamondAura object, test it, and send it back within 30 days for the rebate. By all rights, I should have done that before writing this post. But the whole idea of spending hundreds of dollars, even temporarily, did not strike me as a good one.

Therefore, I decided to search the internet literature on DiamondAura to see if I could avoid testing things myself. Unfortunately, no one else did the test, either. But I found the smoking gun in one of DiamondAura’s own ads. (Click "Description") “We will not bore you with the incredible details of the scientific process, but will only say that it involves the use of rare minerals heated to an incredibly high temperature of nearly 5000˚F.” Did you catch it? Read it more slowly. “the… use… of… rare… minerals… heated…to… an” As anyone who has even used a pencil can attest, carbon is NOT rare. But Zirconium metal is, or is somewhat rarish anyway. So that was one clue. The other clue was that much touted shininess, the fact that it outdoes nature. This is do to something called fire, which is the ability of the material to act like a prism, turning white light into many colors. If DiamondAura were actual diamond, it should be as fiery as normal diamond. But it isn’t. The ad specifically tells you it outdoes diamond. Want to know what else outdoes diamond? Yep, Cubic Zirconia. So this is a blatant attempt to mislead. And now, you know the Cold Hard Facts. This just makes me wonder about the “some jewelers,” who fell for it. Perhaps they were paid?

*Technically, this test could fail if the materiel of DiamondAura is something called Silicon Carbide or synthetic Moissanite, which is almost as thermally conducting as real diamond, enough to fool an amateur. But luckily, it still fails the next paragraph. Moissanite is even more fiery than Cubic Zirconium. Enough, that the naked eye can tell the difference without much trouble.

New Direction?

2010-01-07T21:58:00.006-05:00

I stopped writing on this blog, because I was tired of all the "fan mail" I was getting. I would divide this mail into three categories.

1) Crazies who were happy I agreed with them and were too dumb to realize I was joking.
2) Crazies who were outraged I disagreed with the establishment and were too dumb to realize I was joking.
3) Silence in vast quantities.

Naturally, this gave me a rather cynical view of human nature.

It was also tiring to to lie all the time, so I pretty much let it die.

But lately, I have got the urge to write again, so I may post something soon, provided I get permission. Meanwhile, I leave you with updates and a quote.

Update 1: It turns out that David Radius Hudson's wonder drug is still around. The company recently sent me a prospectus detailing all the generations before Eve. They basically include every hot goddess who ever commissioned a nude portrait. There was also a long, rambling article about how hot those ancestors were. I will not be reprinting that link. It also turns out that Ol' Radius wasn't lying when he said that White Powder Gold is produced from the dirt in his barn. I received a sad story about a young woman who followed her eccentric doctor's advice and injected it into her arm. She promptly died of septic shock.

Update 2: I checked back on Yahoo Answers. It it still possible to check progress through college semesters by the questions that appear in the forums. On the math forum, for example, you can track posts from limits, up through derivatives, to optimizations, to integrals, and it repeats every semester.

Update 3: JuicyCampus officially died quietly in its sleep. It has been replaced with a blog that manages to update less frequently than this one. collegeacb is still around and antisemitic as ever. College newspapers learned their lesson, and this time, they wisely declined to dance on JuicyCampus's grave. Jimmy Wintergreen is still awesome.

Update 4: The perpetual motion machine dude is still around. No it's not done yet. But, yes, you can still send him more money. Tell him I sent you.

Update 5: Even that live forever magnet weirdo is still around. Perhaps, he really did discover the secret to immortality.

The quote: "Is that a toothbrush?"
Yes. Yes it was.

Congratualations...

2009-05-06T13:43:00.002-04:00

So this guy supposedly won some dream job which involves collecting $100,000 to sun himself on an island and drink piña coladas. But I'm thinking this sounds suspiciously like a horror movie setup. So perhaps the island is infested with radiation mutated zombies. Or maybe it is quickly sinking, and those "Snorkeling skills" will come in awfully handy. I mean the interview involved a spa, and that is never a good sign.

Wasting Money Efficiently

2009-03-25T14:47:00.004-04:00

I happened to find this elegant concrete doorstop for sale. The doorstop is so elegant in fact, that it costs thirty five hundred bucks.

Now if I were buying a doorstop for $3500, I would want it to send the message that I am so rich, I can blow thousands of dollars on a doorstop. For 3500 dollars, I would want a doorstop that screams this message, preferably something solid gold and diamond encrusted. Which is why I am puzzled and dismayed that this doorstop is basically a glorified cinderblock.

Sure it says it was molded in a one of a kind vase, that had to be smashed in order to produce this fine art. But my problem is that my neighbors may well not know this when they see it propping open my front door. G-d forbid, they might think that my doorstop is only 350 bucks. That and the fact that it would totally clash with all of the other solid gold, diamond encrusted tchotchkes in my house. So I clearly cannot get behind this doorstop, or so I thought.

But then I realized the real point to the doorstop. Notice that under the link to buy the ugly thing is a link to put in on your wedding registry. This is an opportunity waiting to be exploited. The practical jokes alone would be worth it. Can you imagine the shock when guests find out that you expect them to pay $3500 bucks on a piece of junk? Or just imagine the joy on Uncle Gene's face when he finds out that is the only item left to buy. Plus this thing is made of solid concrete and is probably quite clunky to carry, so even if guests could afford it, someone is going to have to lug it around. Won't that be fun?

So this is definitely a must-have item. Uncle Gene, you had better start saving up.

Good-bye Shish, Hello Kufta

2009-02-24T18:14:00.005-05:00

I read this great cliffhanger editorial in the Rutgers Targum, entitled Good-bye Peace, Hello Lieberman. How do I know it's got a cliffhanger ending? Neither peace nor Lieberman made it to the article.

I figure that the was writing on at full steam, and just before he got to the part about Joe or maybe Avigdor, BAM!, out of space. It happens. An honest mistake and nothing more. So I look forward to seeing Part 2. Because no Editorial Board is going to allow the passing slur on whichever, apparently warmongering, Lieberman the article was supposed to be about without a good explanation, right? Right? Right.

It might have occurred to you that an old headline was accidentally reused, perhaps from an editorial opposed to the war in Gaza or maybe Iraq. That occurred to me also, and a Google search shows it isn't the case.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

2009-02-16T17:33:00.004-05:00

If you were anywhere near a college campus last week, you probably heard that a site called juicycampus was shut down. Of couse if you are not a college student, and probably even if you are, you never heard of juicycampus. So why should you care it was shut down? Because, if college newspaper editorials are any judge, juicycampus is was the most evil college gossip site since sataniccampus or cannibalvixoncampus. Just look a a small sampling of the celebratory letters on its closing.

One of the cruelest Web sites out there was Juicycampus.com - which, to the relief of many, has just closed down.–UConn Press

Student Government Association President Frank Hood said he was happy to hear the news that JuicyCampus was shutting down.
Hood thought the closing would bring relief to students who were posted about the most because the avenue used to bash them was gone.
"I'm excited," Hood said. "It was a site that really tore apart the community of Ball State." –Ball State News

University Dean of Students Timothy Grimm said the site allowed users to lose their sense of responsibility to their post and tarnish other students’ reputations.
“I’m a firm believer in free speech,” Grimm said. “But with any freedom comes responsibility. Just because it’s easy to [post a comment] doesn’t make it right to.” –Rutgers Daily Targum

Unfortunately for all the reveling Deans of Students, Juicy Campus is apparently less dead then people might have hoped. Because if you go to the website, you will see that is clearly still there, only now the title reads CampusACB. And apparently, the content is still as unspeakably horrible as ever, leading to a new horde of hysterical [pun intended] editorials.

This begs several important journalistic questions. If no one even heard of Juicy Campus until it died, who cares if it is dead? If it didn't actually die, does it even merit a news story? And was this whole death thing just a cynical ploy to harness the righteous indignation of detractors into temporarily rejuvenating a dying white elephant. But being that the obvious answers are "Everybody," "Of Course," and "No!" respectively, we won't spend any more time dwelling on such questions.

Instead let us turn our critical eye to what exactly was on Juicy Campus. If this choice selection from The New Hampshire is any indication, JuicyCampus deserves all that condemnation and more.

THIS is the g****t f*****g thing in the world," said the anonymous poster. "Go ahead and delete this comment you h***'s. juicycampus was fun, but you couldn't let us have that you f*****g prick.

I mean that guy used the dreaded G-word*. Even George Carlin didn't dare say that.

I wanted to experience this nastiness first hand. So I decided to write how I really feel about someone, and then we will see what happens.

"Jimmy Wintergreen" is a cool guy.

And now to make it fit in.

"J***y Wintergr***n is a ke*l g*y.

There perfect. And now we wait.

*Warning: Never call anyone in New Hampshire a "Great Hobo". YOu will probably be shot on sight

I Meant to Write a Post Today...

2009-02-02T10:49:00.002-05:00

...But I lost the link to the article I was referencing. As soon as I find it, I will get it up here.

Shylock would be proud.

2008-12-31T11:39:00.003-05:00

Conclusive evidence that Jews control the world, or at least Wikipedia, which is practically the same thing.

And yes, still searching for that story interesting enough to sustain an actual post.

Be Very Afraid

2008-12-15T00:30:00.003-05:00

Apparently is some kind of new Woman's Leadership Scholarship Program at Rutgers. This is their logo.

I'm not sure whether I should be more worried by the somewhat fascist imagery, or that, judging by the faint writing still visibly overlaid on the logo, said imagery appears to have been misappropriated from a stock art gallery.

Ten points to the person who finds the original. I believe that the writing is the remains of "istockphoto," but so far my search has been fruitless.

Another Major Victory in the War On Spas!

2008-12-15T00:11:00.002-05:00

We can only speculate on how spas fit into this exactly, but seeing as that infamous word is right there in the title, I don't think that connection can be denied. And with all the recent setbacks, I am ready to jump on any victory we can find. Keep this up and we will win this war, one drug-dealing, violently bigoted, aromatherapist at a time.

PS:
I don't think this is the last we will hear from "Saratoga Springs" either. With a name like that, the place is a resort town waiting to open. That or a golf course. Either way, it is trouble.

At Long Last!

2008-11-13T16:14:00.003-05:00

Yes! We are proud to report that there is indeed such a thing as kosher haggis*. Dig in, boys.

Oh, you wanted a blog post? One of those is coming soon, too.

* Actually, this haggis is not all that Kosher, as it contains liver and it recommends salting it. A technicality.

Important Fish Spa Update

2008-10-03T15:25:00.000-04:00

Now it has that romantic outlaw appeal.

A Spam, I Think

2008-09-27T19:58:00.000-04:00

Time for the Quarterly Update for Halexandria... and only six days after the Equinox. But then again, Mercury is in Retrograde right now and communications are really in a mess. Among other things, some people on Wall Street have managed to misplace about $700 billion and can't seem to find it anywhere... except maybe in the coffers of the taxpayers. Sigh...

Meanwhile, we have not been derelict in our writings and still find our way to various new offerings at Halexandria. The Halexandria Forums, for example, continue to delight and amaze the unwary silver surfer. Many interesting threads to read and contribute to... maybe start your own thread on any topic under the Sun (and way beyond the Sun, come to think of it). Feel free to get involved.

As for new essays, these include some recent relevations about the incredible Labyrinth of Egypt and the People who are involved in hopefully bringing this stunning new discovery to the attention of the world. There is also the New and Improved essay on Totalitarianism... just in time for the upcoming elections. Come to think of it, there's also The Times They Are A Changin'... also with allusions to the elections and media weirdness in general.

All of these essays should intrigue most of you... except of course for aol.com users (who are now prevented from receiving updates from Halexandria... for no known reason). Accordingly, if your friends are (currently) aol.com users, you may have to forward this quarterly update to them so they can be similarly intrigued.

Last but not least is an update at Novels, due to the WORLD PREMIERE OF WE THE JURY, a novel.

As always, Thanks for the Use of the Hall.

Daniel

Gives you a lot to think about, no?

Disgusting Philosopical Problem of the Day

2008-09-18T11:08:00.002-04:00

Apparently, there is a chef in Switzerland who has decided to add a new ingredient to his meat dishes, human milk. Big deal, you say? Well I didn't care much either, until I saw the following quote in the Guardian.

They are not on the list of approved species such as cows and sheep, but they are also not on the list of the banned species such as apes and primates," Rolf Etter of the Zurich food control laboratory said.

So do we go according to the beginning, and say approved milk, yes, banned milk, no. Or maybe we go according the end, and say what is banned is banned, but what is not banned is permitted?

Come hear, it was taught...

And what about those biologists that say humans are both apes and primates? Would they not hold that the milk should be forbidden on all accounts?

Boil that Cabbage Down

2008-07-14T02:11:00.004-04:00

A lot of readers have written in saying that the Master Cleanse jus doesn't sound masochistic enough for their tastes. "Is their anything even more disgusting," they ask? Perhaps, and this one is even Kosher. Announcing the Cabbage Soup Diet, the only diet so horrifyingly evil, its own creators are ambivalent about it.

Based on the observation that poor, Victorian Londerers were often quite svelte, the cabbage soup diet brings the secret of their success to you in a bold new fad that is bound to make you say, "Please sir, I want some more".

What you want some more! Oh good, because cabbage soup is only the first step towards a ~~healthier~~ new you. The second step is an increasingly irrational and disgusting list of foods that you must eat, day by day, for a week. After that, all taste will be sucked out of your tongue and your stomach will hang itself in despair. Then you can go on an actual diet, because contrary to your expectations, the cabbage soup diet is safe to actually try losing weight on. But first, let us begin the Tour de Nausea.

On Day One, you can all the cabbage soup you want. And you can also eat all the fruit you want. Well all the fruit except: . And no rutabagas either. I see that gleam in your eye, you stinkin' cheater.

On day two, you can eat all the veggies you want, but no fruit. Fruit bad, veggies good. And also, if you want, treat yourself to a nice unbuttered baked potato. GO on; you deserve it. It'll be our little secret.

Day three. Cabbage soup. Fruit, veggies. No bananas. No potatoes. We mean business here.

On day four, G-d created the sun, the moon, and all the stars. Go have a banana or two or eight in honour of His achievement. And if you desire a carton of skim milk with your cabbage soup, now would be a good time. Bottoms up.

Day five is beef day. Eat twenty ounces of meat and six tomatoes. No you cannot substitute light fish for the beef. What do you think this is? Kindergarten? This is a diet, people! Sheesh.

Day six. After all that beef and tomatoes, you are probably hoping for something light. Well guess what? Tough eggs, because today is steak and green veggies day. Eat at least 2 or three steaks, one bowl of soup and all the leafy, green veggies you can cram down your throat.

Day seven. Brown rice and fruit juice. And do gorge yourself this time. We are trying to lose weight here.

There, that wasn't so bad. You survived the normal tremors and delirium, and maybe you even lost a pound or two. Well tomorrow begins a new week. So boil that cabbage down, boys; turn that old cake round.

Career Opportunities

2008-07-14T00:36:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately, and it only made sense to consider my career and what I can expect to earn for my efforts. Hmm, not bad. But how about this?. Much better. Maybe, I should try to broaden my horizons? Only if I want to be poorer than a postman.

Hmm, I wonder what else is open to a man of my talents*.

But that is just the beginning of this amazing tool. There are all sorts of great jobs that you didn't even know existed. In fact the job market is quite good, if you go about it the right way.
But what if you have no skills at all. What if you are destined to live in a box in the middle of Times Square? Is it still possible to send your kids to Yeshiva? Yes, but it's all about choosing the right title. And you thought they snorted because they were addicted to the stuff. Little did you know the surest path to riches.

And if you're a brainless git? Not to worry.

A fool and his money are soon joined.

Feel free to comment with any absurdities I may have missed.

With thanks to Not my Father for finding the site.
*Note to self: Avoid nanoshell scripting like the plague.

Blinding the Eyes of the Dumb

2008-06-30T23:43:00.003-04:00

Recently the New York Times released an article on a new trend on youtube, graphic videos of surgery. This is not because a sudden demand from sadistic people who like watching girls get cut up. No, that is what horror movies are for. This is strictly business. Apparently plastic surgeons have decided to advertise LASEK, nose jobs, liposuctions, face lifts and other cosmetic operations by paying patients to put their ordeals on the web. Is this practice unethical, a bold new advertising campaign, or just plain stupid? We bring you the Cold Hard Facts.

Now when I read this article, I assumed the whole thing was a joke. Then I saw this video, and I was enlightened.

I mean look at the professional quality. Look at that skill. Look at the poise. Look at that enthusiasm. Look at that gore. I ask you is it possible to see that and not to want a nose job?

Nonetheless, the New York Times is concerned. Apparently when it comes to cutting someone's face or chest open, we need objective opinions. And many ethicists feel that as well as being bribery, these youtube testimonials are also somewhat creepy.

Creepy! That kind of anti-doctor stance is just what you expect from an antisemitic, pro-Palestinian rag that... Alright, even I can't lie that badly. It is actually quite creepy.

But bribery? It's not bribery. It's like Dr. Emil Chynn says.

It’s really not a conflict of interest. I’m charging $5,000 for the surgery. If we gave $1,000, that would be a problem.

Yeah, maybe if he paid $1,000 dollars for the videos, it would be bribery. But he only paid a hundred. One hundred dollars is nothing. One hundred dollars can't even buy a stick of bubble gum. One hundred dollars is pocket change, particularly if you are a rich doctor raking in millions, but even if you are not.

And as for influencing innocent bystanders to rush to surgery without careful vetting, that WOULD be a problem IF people bought cosmetic surgery based on quality. But the smart shopper always buys nose jobs based on price. And thanks to his "Youtube Rebate Package," Dr. Simoni really is the cheapest. So there is no dishonesty going on whatsoever.

Well I have to rush off to get a few pounds sucked out of me, if you get my drift. SO until next time, this is the Cold Hard Facts.

Man at Work

2008-06-29T23:15:00.004-04:00

We here at The Cold Hard Facts take great pride in shipping only the coldest and hardest facts to our lovely clientèle. Our author works tirelessly converting ideas into only the finest written text available anywhere. Regrettably this takes time, and thus the post that you have been eagerly awaiting is not quite here yet. But rest assured, it will be here one day. Perhaps even today.

Work in Progress

Awards

2008-05-02T14:45:00.002-04:00

I'm pleased to annouce that this blog is finally getting the recognition it deserves. In the past several months I have received countless email recognizing the masterpiece that is this blog.

Oh I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "Who would possibly recognize this blog for anything." You're thinking "This blog hasn't even existed for the past few months. We all thought you were dead." You're are thinking "Ol' Edgar's making it all up." Well I'm not, and I ave the emails to prove it.

Edgar,

Your blog The Cold Hard Facts caught our attention. I'm the founder of a recently launched startup for bloggers. We are searching the internet for the world's best blogs by geography, and we found yours for Israel. I would like to invite you to our site which plots the content of the internet on an interactive map of the world. VerveEarth is an entirely new way to surf the net. It shows spatial and geographic connections that a blog search engine could never reveal.

The site is www.VerveEarth.com. Once on board, you can easily claim your blog a place in the VerveEarth world. The site is free to use and a way to drive new traffic to your blog. If our vision resonates with you, please give us a mention or add our widget to your blog. Please see our FAQ for any questions, and we welcome your feedback. The VerveEarth team will make a timely reply.

www.VerveEarth.com

Kind Regards,

Clayton

The best blog in all of Israel. Quite an honor for a humble Ramallan, no? And the best part is I beat my neighbor Abdul at his own game. You hear that, Abdul? No one cares about you and your depressing life.

But that is not the TRUE best part. All you loyal readers know that vintage car racing has always been the one joy in my heart. Well someone finally took notice of my interest.

Come join me on The Vintage Racing League.

Please excuse the nature of this invitation to join the Vintage Racing League.
You received this email because we believe that you love vintage and classic cars and would enjoy participating in the world’s largest online social network for people that love vintage and classic cars.
There is no cost to join and we do not disclose your contact information to third parties.
You can post pictures, videos, find Apparel, Parts & Services, join 200+ car marquee groups and locate Vintage Race events in your area.
Please invite your friends and fellow enthusiasts to join.

All the best - Stephen
Stephen J. L. Page
Chairman
The Vintage Racing League
Campbell Center 1
8350 N. Central Expressway, Suite 1500
Dallas, TX 75206
Work: 214-393-4662 x 224
Member website: www.myvrl.com
Business website: www.thevrl.com

Click here to join:
http://www.myvrl.com/?xgi=97OsuLC

Thanks,
Stephen Page

Well see you all later. My Bel Air and I have business to attend to.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

2008-02-17T16:10:00.003-05:00

Vaccines. I'm sure you all all still traumatized from the first time that mean, evil doctor stuck a needle in your innocent arm. But at least now you know how necessary it was, how many diseases it prevented. WRONG! According to Rebbecca Carley M.D., vaccines are the cause of disease not the prevention. Did you see the M.D after her name? That means she made it through Orgo. She must be a Qualified Expert. She must have been a genius to make it past Orgo.

Here is what Carley M.D. has to say about Vaccines

The basic truth that served as the foundation for the mountain of lies known as vaccinations was the observation that mammals who recover from infection with microorganisms acquire natural immunity from further infections... This truth gave birth to a beLIEf that if a foreign antigen was injected into an individual, that individual would then become immune to a future infection. This beLIEf, (you see the lie in the middle), was given the name, "vaccinations".

Ha ha, BeLIEf. I never noticed that before.

I beLIEve this government cannot endure permanently half-slave and half-free.

Ah, Lincoln , you little rascal. How easy is is to see through you now.

But back on topic, aside from the fact that it is a beLIEf, what you said sounded rather reasonable Carley. Pray tell, why isn't it so?

Medical Jargon. Pseudoscience. More boring stuff. Personal BeLIEfs. Crimes against plants. Medical nonsense. New World Order. Boring stuff. Evil NAZIs. Boring.

Wait! Crimes against plants? New World Order? Are these the rantings of a mad woman? Quite possibly. But they are the rantings of a woman who beLIEves she is right. Erm, BeTRUTHs she is right. Because the evidence supports her. She is an M.D., and you won't be able to understand a word she says, so she must be right.

And what to make of this? Is this a mere coincidence?

Yes. Yes it is. Because we in the know, know that vaccines cannot possibly work, and so that graph is totally wrong. I blame the NAZIs and their CRIMES AGAINST PLANTS.

Incidentally, if you want the REAL Cold Hard Facts, take a look at Carley's work. She is a true expert. That's why she passed Orgo.

I wouldn't have it any other way

2008-02-17T10:57:00.002-05:00

I recently learned that there is a company using the call letters ELON. Not surprisingly, it completely dysfunctional and is apparently a losing proposition.

What the hell is wrong with this company?! How do they piss away money
quarter after quarter, year after year?

Trust me to bring a grown stockbroker to tears. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Perfect Gift

2008-02-15T11:36:00.007-05:00

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I know this, because I received a lot of irate emails berating the lack of a gift guide. And so with the motto of better late than never, I present our top pick for guys, The Master Cleanse Guidebook, a book that will keep your girlfriend talking about you for a long time.

Everyone knows that diet books are second only to vacuum cleaners in terms of romance potential. Girls are always worrying about their figures, and this shows that you sympathize with her worries. She will definitely take note.And if you are going to get your girl a diet book, get this one. Because only this book contains the power of the Master Cleanse™.

I don't actually know what the Master Cleanse™ is, because the website is very vague and I am not enough of a loser to buy the book, but it is one of those magic food diets. Stick to the simple routine, and the pounds or kilos come flying off.

The diet consists of three simple parts. First, drink a quart of salt water every moning upon awakening. Next eat and drink nothing else but "Lemonade" made from fresh lemons, maple syrup, and savoury cayenne pepper. Drink 6-12 glasses of this concoction a day, and follow each glass with laxatives. Continue on this plan for about two weeks or until death does you part, whichever comes first. After that, eat only raw fruit and vegetables for two months. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now, now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this "diet" was invented during a game of Truth or Dare. That is not true. A lot of research went into this diet. It is all classified, but do you seriously think someone would just randomly recommend eating such weird food without a good reason? You can probably find the research in the book, which I was too cheap to buy. Maybe you can't. It doesn't matter anyway. The point is that this gets results.

So that's my suggestion. Wrap the book up in romantic wrapping paper. And have a camera ready for when she opens it. Trust me, this will be good. Oh, and don't forget to mention that you would take her to a fancy French restaurant, only they unfortunately do not serve lemons and maple syrup. Trust me, this will be a day to remember.

So kids, until next time, always choose Truth and always lie. But if you dare choose Dare, perhaps you will come up with the next health fad. And when you do, I will recommend it here.

Those Terrible Twins

2008-01-21T16:20:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while there is a scalding soft tall tale that is actually stranger than the Cold Hard Facts. Most such stories involve evil twins, and this one is no exception.

It all started when Rudy Gutierrez left his dog, Puddles, with his neighbor, Grace Saenz-Lopez, the mayor of Alice, TX. The dog was a Shih Tzu, one of those annoyingly yappy, little dogs with absurdly long hair that is a pain to groom. I mention this, because as you will see, the absurdly long hair is a cunning Chekhov's Gun. Just you wait.

Anyway when Gutierrez come back from vacation, he found the dog had died. Saenz-Lopez swore that the death happened in a manner that she was exempt from, and she further said that she had saved the Gutierrez family the trouble of burying it. The Gutierrez family were all quite distressed, but eventually they got over their loss and started the healing process.

That's when Rudy got a call from a friend, who reported seeing a familiar looking Shih Tzu at a local groomer. Told you the long hair would be important. Inquiries to the groomer determined that the dog was named Panchito and that it was owned by the mayor.

Sensing there was something suspicious, Gutierrez confronted the mayor. THe mayor denied that the dog was Puddles, but rather claimed it was her dog that just happened to look identical. Call it an evil twin of Puddles, if you will. Upon further interrogation, she broke down and admitted that it was indeed the same dog. The Gutierrez family now sued to gain custody, but a new complication arose. The dog had conveniently vanished.

Luckily a hard hitting reporter arose to track the dog down. Bravely confronting the mayor, he learned she was actually not the mayor, but rather her evil twin sister. Her evil twin, the real mayor lived in Arizona, and presumably so did the dog. The reporter bought this story for about ten minutes, before deciding maybe he should confront the mayor's twin a second time.

Driving back to her house, he bravely yelled, "I've been told you're the mayor and not the twin sister." Presumably his source for this was a skeptical preschool student, who the lame excuse for what it was and told the reporter so. However the mayor's alleged twin wouldn't budge, and the reporter left dogless for a second time.

Further inquiries revealed that the mayor really did have an evil twin, seriously, but she didn't live in Arizona. She lived about fifteen miles from Alice, where she served as a school district trustee. When the reporter tried to question her on the dog, she ignored his, not even bothering to claim she was the mayor and not the evil twin. However, the reporter did locate the dog on her property.

Thus the police, still not knowing which was which, wrote up arrest warrants for both the mayor and the evil twin. I of course mean alleged evil twin, as she has not yet been convicted. The mayor and the twin are still serving in their respective public offices, or perhaps each other's public office. But a recall effort is under way to replace them both with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Puddles is being held in custody until a hearing determines he is actually the dog belonging to the Gutierrezes and not the twin belonging to Mayor Saenz-Lopez.

The moral of all this is that twins are dangerous, and it is lucky I don't know any. Who knows what they would be up to?

Life After Death

2007-12-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago some friends and I got into a discussion of Facebook accounts, and one person wondered whether some smart alec created a profile for the Lubavitcher Rebbe. It seemed like a distinct possibility, and so I decided to find out. Alas the answer is no. Rav Menachem Mendel Schneerson is not on facebook.

But it did occur to me to see if other famous people did have accounts on Facebook. I first started with other great rabbis. I figured that if any rabbi would have a profile on facebook, it would have to be either Hillel or Rambam, as every school, camp, charity fund, or organization named after a rabbi, will invariably be named Hillel or Maimonides. No one is ever original enough to name something after the Ramah, for example. And so, the search began.

In addition to all the organizations and quotes from Guide to the Perlexed, Rambam has two profiles. The first is the only Jew in the Egypt network, and the second one is in Quebec, Canada, which I can only assume was his summer home. A search for Hillel only turned up the college organization, a Mr. Rutgers Hillel, and זכר למקדש כהללֹ— Korech Lovers Anonymous.

Moving on to secular figures, we find that Theodor Seuss Geisel, one of the greatest writers of all time has a rhyming facebook profile with less than two hundred different words, and William Shakepeare still lives on, but only in China. And though Dumas is no longer with us, his Comte de Montichristo has been busy. But Franz Kafka takes the literary cake, with 214 separate profiles. Bet you regret wanting to destroy your books now, eh Franz?

After literature, there was one thing I HAD to check. Joseph Stalin has a profile. Joe Stalin stole my blog avatar, and teaches at Villanova (You don't want to see his profile at ratemyprofessors. It's not pleasant). Iosef Stalin has two, and Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin also stole my picture, but at least he colorized it. Joseph Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili has 11 profiles. And it would seriously disturb you to learn how many girls call themselves Joan Stalin.

Chemists are behind in the fake profile game. Fritz Haber has only one profile, and it appears to be a LIVING Fritz Haber, not THE Haber. Kekule has none. The only famous chemist who does have a profile is Linus Pauling with 5. But mathematicians are rather better. 176 years after his fatal duel, Évariste Galois has finally graduated Princeton, Kansas City, and the University of Edinburgh. Hilbert, Godel, Lagrange and Laplace all have profile. And Fourier went to Rutgers.

Ignaz Semmelweis has a profile, as does Louis Pasteur. Lister does not, but I'm sure he'll have one shortly *cough*. Alexandre Yersin does not, but the disease named after him does. John Snow has a profile, and I had no idea that his work was an all too common last name.

I'm sure that many, many other famous people all have profiles, but I think this should be enough incentive for the Lubavitch to get a move on it.

Yea Linux!

2007-12-11T12:02:00.001-05:00

This reminds me of the time I overheard two girls gossiping about actors, and for a split second, I wondered why the heck they were discussing quantum mechanics.

"CLASSIFIED" or "Fun with Madlibs"

2007-11-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

Warning: After writing the outline to this post. I was told that Jon Stewart had made the same joke and even referenced the same passage that I am about to reference. To that all I can see is that, "Great minds think alike." But I don't need other great minds to think for me.

Recently I started reading "Fair Game" by a former CIA agent. Before the book could be published, it had to be vetted by the CIA. And the CIA chose to classify about a quarter of the material, mostly in the first chapters of the book. Now I am all for keeping sensitive material out of enemy hands, but I must say that it does add a certain amount of humor to the book. I suppose I should expect it of those kwazy CIA agents. Remember when I posted their recruitment video that they had streamed through YOUtube, and the CIA responded by yanking the video off YOUtube and sent me a warning about revealing sensitive documents*£. Well this is not quite as good, but it is still pretty good.

First of let us examine the method used to classify things. Here we can see a page of text with gray bars covering some of the words.

Here we can see a page of gray bars with some text uncovered.

Here we can see an entire page full of nothing but gray bars. Wait a minute, look up there near the top of the page. Can you see it? They left two periods unclassified. Why the heck did they do that? Isn't it easier just to gray bar everything. They must have done it for a reason, because clearly those aren't the only periods. Presumably the rest of the page is not one giantm multi-paragraph, run-on sentence. Make that giant, multi-paragraph run-on word, as I see there is a single unclassified space as well. No, so why did they declassify only those punctuation marks? Perhaps those sentences are just not important enough to conceal where they end. Or perhaps just the opposite. Maybe those are only decoy periods to further obscure the truth. Or, quite possibly, the censor just missed them. We may never know.

Another weird thing about the censoring is the content that is censored. Sometimes there seems to be a completely innocuous passage, and then right there at the end, right when you are least expecting it, BAM gray bars. Like here.

I paid and walked out of her chic Red Bank apartment. CENSORED I called Joe from the Doctor's office. "Honey, the doctor says he hears two heartbeats–—We're having twins."

I suppose what the author couldn't say was that she discovered that chic Ob/Gyn really was a mole, but that the threat was now "neutralized".

Here's another example that is even weirder.

Because the babies still didn't suck very well, we were told not to use bottles, but rather a large syringe that essentially squirted the formula into their mouths. It felt a little like feeding a baby bird. Switching between breast and syringe feeding when they took only a few ounces at a time and capturing each detail in a notebook soon took its toll. I was exhausted CENSORED. Every baby book...

What is with the baby censorings? I mean I'm all for giving a mother her privacy, but I notice the CIA kinda came in too late for that. Besides censoring like that just makes the paragraph more conspicuous.

And here is perhaps the weirdest example of all. "Could I actually do xx job on a less-than full time basis?" Now, you can tell by the size of the gray box, that the censored word is very short, probably only two letters. And from the context it's clearly "My". But then why bother with the censoring? Even now that I know the full sentence reads, "Could I actually do MY job on a less-than full time basis," I am no more enlightened in matters of national security. And if that "My" DID say loads about the state of security in this country, I would hope they would guard it better. It took all off two seconds for me to figure out what it said. We can only hope such poorly guarded secrets never make it to the ears of Bin Laden. G-d only knows what he could do with with such information. Perhaps he is building a "My" bmb as we speak. Thanks a lot CIA.

Of course all the censoring just begs to be played as the ultimate mad lib. Take that first example. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out whether the missing words are nouns, verbs, or adjectives, so just guess some at random and enjoy. The only catch is that if you randomly guess correctly, you may get a call from men in black coats next week. Hey wait. Hey what's going on. Stop you can't do this. The truth will come out. Hey! Stop it! Put me down! You can't silence me. I'll tell everyfriend I know. In alphabetical order! AUGGGGGGGH!.

*Sorry the warning email was classified. I am not allowed to share it with you.
£By the way, in an effort to avoid more ridicule, the CIA pulled down all their recruitment pages, including their great Flash game, so if you didn't catch that post earlier, than it is just too bad.

Ooops!

2007-10-31T22:48:00.000-04:00

Apparently there was some kind of horrible mishap with that last post, but I don't have anything else to blog about, so I'll leave it.

Kadir Buxton — Time Traveling Supergenious or lair?

2007-10-31T20:48:00.000-04:00

Warning ! I am actuall

Two posts today?

2007-10-26T15:19:00.000-04:00

There may be two posts today. But it is getting late, I have things to do before sundown, and the second post isn't finished yet. Feel free to check by later, but don't get your hopes up.

Tired of Walking GIrls Home

2007-10-23T12:03:00.000-04:00

One of the majors problems of being on a college campus is that girls always insist you walk them home, even when they live in a completely different direction. Lucky for me, girls avoid me like the plague, but there are others who are not so lucky. The problem is that it is just not safe for a girl to walk out alone after dark, but at the same time, it is too much bother to walk with her. Now at last, there is a solution. The solute? Aya Tsukioka, of Japan, has has invented a dress, which she believes will allow girls to go out after dark and avoid random neighborhood psychopaths.

Taking inspiration from the ancient ninjas, who used to wear dark cloaks to blend in with the night, Ms. Tsukioka's dress allows the wearer to blend in with a city, by disguising her as a Coke Machine. It may sound like a really idea stupid idea that will never work, but the disguise is quite convincing. Try to pick out the girl from the actual soda machines in the picture below.

Did you guess the right one?

I didn't think so.

So now if a girl runs into a psychopath, all she has to do is distract him for a few seconds, perhaps with the old, "Look over there," gag. Then quick as a wink, she seamlessly blends into the surroundings, and her pursuer is left to wonder what in Hell that new soda machine is doing on Bob St. Meanwhile the girl's would be escort is free to do more important things than care about her safety.

There is just one little snag. What if the random neighborhood psychopath decides he's thirsty, but he only like Mountain Dew. He may well take out his anger on that new Coke machine, and that would be bad. Luckily, new models will disguise as less divisive urban monuments, perhaps parking meters or trash bins. A dress that is also a garbage can? That is one invention the Cold Hard Facts can salute. Nice job, Aya Tsukioka. Keep up the good work.

Silken Petals

2007-10-12T12:16:00.000-04:00

My aunt requested that I put up a picture of the card she made, and let you decide for yourselves rather than just call her crazed. So fine here it is.

You happy now, Auntie?

Losing in Style

2007-10-07T20:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Rutgers lost a second football game, which means it is no longer a "Championship Team". Some people cling to the deluded hope that, perhaps, if Rutgers wins every other game, it can yet be decent. Poor souls. They are setting themselves up to be crushed by reality. But not me, for I have hope of another kind. Which is why I am cheering for the Orange Club, even though "Orange Club" is the sorriest excuse for a team name that I have ever heard. Because, if we cannot have a great football team, at least we should have a totally lousy football team.

President McCormick said last year that the Scarlet Knights have finally put the university on the map, that having a good football team has made us more esteemed. But all the really esteemed schools have sorry excuses for football teams. Look at Cornell. They are in the wimpiest division ever, and they still lost every game they played. Look at Princeton. They are so bad, they would lose to Cornell if they were man enough to play them. And Princeton is even more prestigious a school than Cornell. The list goes on and on. Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Penn, Caltech, MIT, Georgetown. Ye, to truly be "On the map," you need a lousy football team.

And if Rutgers doesn't blow it, that is exactly what will happen. If we want to be a "Harvard on the Raritan," we gotta play like a Harvard on the Raritan. We need to suck. Now is our chance. Last year we showed the world we were almost as good as Texas A&M. But who cares about being almost as good as Texas A&M, when you can be almost as bad as Harvard? Only then will Rutgers truly be Ivy League.

So Schiano, get out there and blow the game, and all the games afterwards. And Mike, you continue to throw those interceptions. And Ray, break a leg, literally. As for the rest of the team, you guys read up on the Black Sox. Make Cicotte* your role model. Together we can make a difference. GO ORANGES!

So let's hear it for Old Rutgers.
And hope their football team doth pan.
May they lose every single game.
May they head on home in shame,
To the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
where old Rutgers ever more shall stand,
For has she not stood since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

*Yeah yeah, I know he was a baseball player. But that only means it would be even easier for him to lose a football game.

Building huts

2007-09-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

You know what they say: "The huts have to go up. The blog doesn't have to be written." But I say it does, and so I wrote it.

And all should cry, Beware! Beware!

2007-09-19T21:14:00.000-04:00

Take heed, oh ye who see this in your mini-feed. And give ear, all ye who accidently stumbled across this on Google. Oh, and the few people who actually want to read the post, should probably read it too. For this is another Cold Hard Facts SPA SCARE!

Before we begin with the news, I would like to thank all those who offered to take me to a spa for my birthday. And I would especially like to thank my crazy aunt, who went one step farther, and sent me a card purporting to contain a gift certificate for a wax and facial. Of course if any of you were serious, I would have had to kill you. But since you weren't, yes it was quite funny.

But, now is the time to be serious and not funny, for I have unearthed a vast conspiracy. Yes, men take a gander at this article, and watch the smiles vanish from your faces. I have reflected on this story, and I can come to only one shocking conclusion. There is a vast conspiracy of mean and nasty women wishing to get us face down in a tub full of beer and laugh at us. Lies you say? Perhaps, but take a gander of the newspaper that article is in. That's right, the Women's Section. They could have been plotting this for months and I would never have known. But thanks to a tip-off, I know now, and perhaps there is still time.

Arm yourselves men. Arm yourselves, and trust no one. Wife, sister, mother-in-law, they could all be in this together. Even your own mother may try to lure you in, as this young man found out too late! Prepare yourselves men. Prepare yourselves or you will share his fate. And if its too late, if you were already sucked in, if you are forced to bathe in beer, at least buy a keg and do it in your own shower. You might lose, but at least then the spas won't have won. Plus you'll save about a thousand bucks.

And if there are any good women left. If there are women who have not yet succumbed to the curse, then you too are at risk. I speak of the Tupperware parties. Or should I say Spapperware parties. It's the most insidious plot since oral surgeons started offering eyebrow buffing and make-up tips. I can hear the spa executives chuckling to themselves. They know ladies will buy anything at a Tupperware party.* They know all your weaknesses, but you still have to hold out as long as possible. Society depends on you. And absolutely refuse to host such parties. Sure you might earn a few dollars. Sure you might get beautiful skin. But is beautiful skin really worth the cost of your soul? Oh it is? Then I guess we're doomed.

*Even Tupperware seems extra exciting to women at parties. "Wow it stores food. I'll take 30!" Top behavioral experts are still trying to figure out why.

Good News

2007-09-19T11:02:00.000-04:00

My brother, "not notElon's brother", actually managed to get the service provider to unlock the DSL. Perhaps he is very persuasive. Or possibly he blackmailed them. I But the important thing is it works, so if a blogpost comes out today, be sure to give him your thanks.

And also thanks to "In no way am I notElon's dad." We couldn't have done it without him. He gave my brother the ride.

Postscript: Actually a blog post just did come out today, this one. So you are forced to thank my brother and father.

Blame Vewizon

2007-09-18T20:31:00.000-04:00

I won't swear on it, but blogging will resume tomorrow, once I have more reliable internet access, if I have more reliable internet access.

If only they knew...

2007-09-05T11:41:00.000-04:00

According to a press release on their website, the FEC has recently declared blogs to be media and to be subject to all exemtions therein. I didn't really give a darn until I suddenly remembered that I have a blog, and if the blog is media, do I not have the status as a reporter.

During the past hour, I have been thinking of how I can best abuse my press credentials. I figure I can start by running around shoving clipboards in people's faces, demanding snappy answers to all sorts of weird issues that people don't actually give a damn about. But there must be more I can do. Maybe something involving Freedom of Press. But, for once, I'm not sure how best to annoy everyone.

So I will throw it open to you readers. How can The Cold Hard Facts best take advantage of its newfound status, and how many people can we piss off along the way? I will consider carrying out the best entry. And as always, knowing very well that the contest will have no entries, the best answer wins a blog post.

I am not bound to please thee with my Answer...

2007-09-03T00:19:00.000-04:00

... Certainly not when you ask that kind of question.

I have recently been spending time on Yahoo! Answers, mostly out of sheer boredom between class sessions. For those who don't know, Yahoo! Answers is a website where random people on the internet ask questions, and other random people, like myself, stop by to answer them. Good answers are rewarded with points, and when you get enough points, you presumably get rewarded with something nice, a toaster oven say. I already have over 2,500 points, and I'll probably get that cool leather jacket any day now. What's that you say? Points are meaningless? NOooooOO! Well at least I still have a blog post.

I earned most of my points in two fields, one of which I am now a "Top Contributor" in. Perhaps you can guess which fields those are. Well I won't tell you if you are right or not because I refuse to admit how much of a loser I truly am*. But I noticed there are some people who are even bigger losers than I am. And for your viewing pleasure, I will ennumerate the with snide remarks.

1) Some people, forgetting that any random bozo is going to answer their question, describe, in extreme detail, a 15 step experiment they would like their research group to carry out. Then they ask whether the project is safe. Hello! There are probably only 10 or so labs in the country that can do that project, and yours is one of them. Lives may be at stake here, and you me whether what you are doing is safe? Do you really think it is a good idea to waste your time and points asking that. Wouldn't it be better, to, I don't know, ASK A COLLEGUE! Someone who also went to graduate school. Someone with experience. I am one of the most knowledgeable people on that Yahoo Answers forum. I have had 2 years of training in that subject, and I can't even understand the question. And knowing the other users on that forum only makes me less comfortable about you asking there for safety advice.

2) The other users browsing that forum. Namely the guy who asked, "Two chemicals dangerous when mixed. Where I get them?" Luckily for him most knowledgeable chemical people aren't sadists** and would never give him such info. There's a good chance he's still alive.

3) Many people probably use Yahoo! Answers to get help with homework. This is fine. Some people ask about 50 questions at the same time, and expect other people to do their homework. Those people receive a lot of snide remarks, and not all of them from me. But even those people are smart enough not to use Yahoo! Answers to cheat on tests. And even the people who use Yahoo! Answers to cheat on tests don't normally give the point value of each test question they want answered. But one guy did just that. He (or she, but I think girls may have more brains than that) painstakingly typed in 16 Algebra questions, and yes, right there next to the title of each question, was the amount of points the question would be worth on the test. I'm not sure what he was thinking. I mean a) How could anyone answer all those questions and get back to him before the teacher wondered what was taking him so long in the bathroom? b) By putting the point-score there, he annouced to the whole world it was a test, and most people want money for test questions. c) Writing that point-score wastes time. And if you only have an hour, it would probably be in your best interest to hurry. Anyway I got back to him about three days later with this answer: "You Fail". And I got my 16 points for it; To add to his embarrassment, I voted it the best answer.

4) On the topic of people who write stupid math questions: You would be surprised to find the number of people who write in asking for 50% of 30 or help adding a two-digit number. I don't know about you readers, but I find this shameful. a) It is not too much too expect for someone to be able to add two-digit numbers. It's not that hard. Even Paris Hilton could probably add two-digit numbers if she set her mind to it. It might take her a few hours, but she could do it.*** If Paris can add, so can you. b) If you are such an absolute moron that you don't know how to add two digit numbers, at the least cover your stupidity with a calculator. There is no need to announce to the world what a dunce you are. A calculator can do the job cheaper and faster.

5) Someone who answers the aforementioned question with "Arg Math! I hate math! It burns. It burns. Make it go away!"**** is even worse than the last guy. She (Sorry ladies, but she did have a female avatar) also could do with some math and perhaps some counseling. I mean does she freak out every time she write up a deposit slip? But at least the other guy knew how to read. You have to give him some credit. He knew to ask that question about addition in the forum labeled "Mathematics". If this person is that scared of numbers, why in heck did she go to a "Mathematics" forum? What did she expect to find there?

Besides the people, there is one other highly amusing thing about Yahoo! Answers. The "Alternative Science" forum somehow ended up lumped with the "Actual Science" forums in "Science and Mathematics". Even more amusing, "Alternative" happens to come just before "Astronomy and Cosmology" in the list. This ensures a constant supply of ridicule and torment towards anyone who dares ask a question about Astrology or UFOs. It's very entertaining to watch.

And last, some questions just make you say "Whaa..." I speak of course about this one.

Hypothetically speaking, if my husband went into New Zealand's witness protection program, will I ever see him

For some reason, I am partial to one Edgar Greenberg's answer.

The New Zealand Witness Protection Program? OF COURSE! I KNEW that orc looked familiar. Tony we have our man. And nope you'll never see him again. Not now anyway. Thanks Honey.

But this guy's was good too.

Probably not - because New Zealand's witness protection program is the best in the World bar none.

You are told to dress like a sheep and go mingle. So far not one protectee has ever been found....
Source(s):
Support your local All Important Question Of The Day&trade (and Completely Ridiculous Question Of The Day&trade and Just Wondering&trade)

The Completely Ridiculous Question of the Day&trade? That's one cause The Cold Hard Facts heartily supports.******

*Out of touch with Culture. Ha, I'll have you know I earned an A in Pop Culture. I'm like totally awesome, man.
**Unluckily for him, I am sadistical. I told him exactly where to get them chemicals from. I also told him the reaction product has a sweet and tangy smell. Expect an update real soon, possibly from the Darwin Awards.
***You catch the Pop Culture reference? I told you I was on the ball.
****Ok it wasn't quite that. But I HAD to exaggerate. People who can't add aren't all that witty or literate either. '
*****Contrary to what this post may make you believe, I do sometimes give actual and factual answers. Just don't ask me to make a "Cold yam salad recipes with marshmallow fluff?"

New Computer

2007-08-07T08:46:00.001-04:00

I recently bought a new MacBook to replace my old laptop. You may have noticed how blogging suddenly stopped a while back. That's because I broke my computer. Well actually I almost immediately replaced my computer, but I haven't felt like doing The Cold Hard Facts. But now at last I return.

The computer comes with a 64 bit, 2 GHz Intel processor, 1 GB of RAM, and a nce graphic card. But I didn't get it for any of those reasons. I didn't get it for the display or for the DVD drive. All computers have them. I didn't even get it for the Programming Tools or the Big Bang Tic Tac Toe, although not every computer has them, and the Programming Tools are darn useful. So is the ability to natively run MatLab. But those features are worth blogging either.*

No the first real advantage is the cool new track-pad. The old computer's track-pad had a tendency to freeze up, or drag the cursor in exactly the wrong direction, and the new track-pad lacks those problems. But that's not the cool part. In fact, who even cares if the track-pad works. So long as its boring, it could be made of solid gold and read your finger position with millimeter precision, and still not be worth talking about. No the reason the trackpad is cool is because I can do things with this track-pad, I couldn't dream of doing on the old one. On my old computer, in order to left click you had to push a button, and in order to right click, you had to push two buttons. Such a pain. But behold the new age! For now I can do both by just touching the pad. So far I've saved about .7 seconds that way. And who need scrollbars anymore, the trackpad can do that too!

But the best thing by far is the motion sensor. Apple places a motion sensor in all it's computers. The supposed real purpose is to sense when the computer is dropped or jerked, so the hard drive can be protected by parking the disk heads in time. But Apple also made the sensor readouts available to third party programs, allowing all sorts of cool new features like a car alarm. Yes by actually doing something productive with the stupid remote and motion sensor turns your computer into the perfect way to annoy your brother. Just point the remote at the computer, hold down the Menu button until you hear you hear a beep such as a car's key fob might make, and then "accidentally" jiggle the screen, before running off with the remote. Ta-dah, instant noise. And since he can't turn it off without the remote, you can go off bowling and leave the computer ringing for hours.** But there's more! iAlertU will even take a picture of the perpetrator via the built in camera, assuming it gets a good shot, and send it to you via email, assuming you can check your email with your computer gone and all. But with much effort, we did manage to capture this picture of the perpetrator.

Ha, I must have been trying to steal it for the insurance money. Please excuse me while I interrogate myself.

"WHERE'S THE COMPUTER"
"Oww! On... the desk Owww"
"Don't make me do good cop-bad cop."
"It's on the desk. Right there in front of me. Oww"
"Fine I asked for it. Oww"
"Oww, quit it! It's on the oww desk"

This make take awhile. Excuse me.

*Actually Big Bang Tic Tac Toe probably is. Tic Tac Toe has never been so... creepy. Its unreal.
**I wouldn't actually recommend this. There are such things as hammers.

Is Pop Culture Science

2007-07-13T10:58:00.000-04:00

And if it is, Why the Hell Study this Garbage.

First you may be wondering why I hae not mentioned the religion class. Well it turns out that the religion class is more of a history course than a studies course, and thus it is harder to make fun of. That does not mean there are not interesting moments in the class, because some religious beliefs can be... Well here's a example. This came from an Anglican Priest in 18th Cetury Virginia. At that time planters were worried that perhaps if their slaves converted, and became good Christians, the slaves might earn rights. The pastor knew which of the two groups of Christians paid his salary, and he thus addressed the issue with the following religious ruling.

To remove all pretence from the Adult Slaves I shall baptise of their being free upon that account, I have thought to fit to require first their consent to this following declaration You declare in the Presence of god and before this Congregation that you do not ask for the holy baptism out of any design to free yourself from the Duty and Obedience you owe to your Master while you live, but merely for the good of Your Soul and to partake of the Graces and Blessings promised to the members of the Church of Jesus Christ . One of the most Scandalous and common Crimes of our Slaves is their perpetual Changing of Wives and husbands, which occasions great disorders; I also tell them whom I baptise The Christian Religion does not allow the plurality of Wives, nor any changing of them; You promise truly to keep the Wife yo now have till Death dos part you. It has been Customary among them to have their feasts, dances, and meetings on the Lord's Day, that practice is pretty well over in this parish, but not absolutely; I tell them that present themselves to to be admitted to Baptism, they mus promise they'l spend no more the Lord's day in idleness, and if they do, I'l cut them off from the Communion.

Ahh those Anglican Pastors. So empathetic to the needs of their congregation.

However, due to it's rather factual nature, the class itself is less deserving of parody. I might present a funny quote or two, but I will primarily blog about the Pop Culture.

And now for the question of the day, Is Pop Culture, or at least the study of pop culture a science? It certainly claims to be one, but at first glance, this does not seem so. I mean there are no explosion and hardly any mathematics. But even so, it could still be one of those soft, wimpy sciences like Neural Cellular Biology. So let us start at the beginning and keep an open mind.

A rigourous, scientific study of Popular culture is admittedly difficult. Apparently there are laws against locking subjects in rooms and playing 24 hour non-stop Hillary Duff music, while quantitatively monitoring their behavior.

Day 26, the subjects appear to be experiencing extreme agitation. Number 24 tried to strangle my graduate student, when she brought him food. This is the 28 time this week, that he ha displayed such violent tendencies. I intend to study this phenomenon further.

Thus Sociologists once again must take the wimpy way out and conducts surveys and or case histories. This is called Qualitative Research, or BSing. Qualitative Research is not unlike what Dr. Sachs has done. There are of course two differences. Oliver Sachs studied people with postencephalitic parkinsonism, while Pop Culture sociologists study Paris Hilton fans, so they face the additional problem that their research subjects are brain-damaged.

The second problem is more serious. Whereas Oliver Sachs can also do real science, soft and wimpy though it is, I simply do not see how a sociologist can. I must admit that sociologists do have elaborate ways of coping with this bias, (Emic and Etic and all that), and their studies are very thorough, but ultimately I think their research speaks for itself. So we conclude that no matter how much documenting and analysis there is, we still may not have a science. It's a shame, because done properly perhaps this would lead to interesting insights in human nature. Ah well. Done improperly, it as least generates much hilarity.

*This knowledge is all hearsay. I never had the urge to investigate her directly, but I get the impression that any fans of hers are weirdos.

Femininity, Decontruction, and Coconuts: An Explosive Concoction

2007-07-12T19:04:00.000-04:00

So let us continue where we left off in the textbook, and from there we will proceed to the class. For once in my life I actually took notes, and I intend to use them, so expect the world. (Yes I might have made a note or two in Diff Eq, but they hardly count.)

We proceed from the basic understanding of pop culture to a didactic analysis of the effects of the feminine revolution on the genre of Mass Culture. Perhaps Didactic is not the right word. Well I don't care, and neither does the author of the cunning pun, Femininity as Mas(s)querade*: A Feminist Approach to Mass Culture. Ha I'll bet you didn't even realize Faminism was popular culture, but didn't Betty Friedan make the Top 40 just last year? Oh, well it must be a masculine conspiracy!
Well, let us proceed back to the footnotes.

•Feminism stands as the vanguard, the first defense against the homogenization of society. It and it alone fight the good fight against the corrosive evil of supermarket tabloids.
•Even Marxism has learned that if it wishes too survive, we need feminism.
•But Marxism doesn't truely belive in Feminism.
•Hmm we already mentioned the importance of Feminism and Marxism, but something is missing.
•Ah yes a gay guy, because naturally gays represent the omnipresent womanly love inherent but DEEPLY hidden in the breathtakingly flawless philosophy of Trotskyism.
•Trosky! Now there's a pop culture icon. When's his CD coming out?

Um the rest of that chapter doesn't really mention Pop Culture at all, but if the Gay-Feminocommmunist Cabal of Evangelical Nightmare really exists, the rest of the chapter is probably its Satanic Scripture.

The next chapter seems to me to be boring and devoid of meaning, but I will point out that the last owner of the book must have been enthralled with it's prose; he highlighted every word.

Chapter Six: Deconstructionism.
•Pop Culture was created by some vast supreme power to permanently disenfranchise the proletariat.
Incidentally the best proof of G-d's existence can be found in the rants of Atheist Communists. They say the world is being run by an all-pervasive Bourgeois Conspiracy, with the goal of the utter destruction of the working class. Religious people call that omnipotent and omniscient force G-d. It's just a matter of perspective.
•Pop Culture is being shaped by this mysterious force.
•The working class only think they are watching a video of half-naked women, but really they are being softened to prevent the, otherwise inevitable, Communist Uprising, may it happen in our days.
•Pop Culture is constantly being manipulated, with yesterday's sex objects being forced aside to make way for today's sex objects.
•All the problems in the world come from the immoral influence of pop culture.
•Things are always in there balance. Every day there is a constant clash between the forces of justice and the evil influence of depraved Pop Culture.
•Hmm. Maybe conservative Christians and liberal Communists really do have common beliefs.
•Um, maybe we're being too extreme (You think!) We should probably backpedal just to be safe.
•Yeah let's muddle the issues a bit. If it's too clear, we won't be able to get tenure.

OK Last chapter.
•Pop Culture is he People's Culture. It symbolizes Liberty and Freedom.
•Or maybe not. Maybe it symbolizes continued oppression.
•At it's roots are the struggles and desires of the working class. But they have been twisted and transformed into junk.
•This isn't a very original chapter, is it?

So there you have it. Pop Culture through the eyes of non-science academics. Academics who need to go outside more. To Hawaii, say. Perhaps Aloha Springs. Just stting there relaxing. Under the shade of a coconut tree... Oh right, sorry. Join us tomorrow when we tell you how to study Pop Culture**.

*Ha Ha. Get it? Mass as in Mass Culture. But if you exclude the 's', you end up with masquerade? Ah those Cwazy Sociologists.
**Hint. It come out the back of a male ox. Oh and it's brown.

Cultura

2007-07-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

Imagine a coconut. Now imagine a second coconut. Now imagine a lady is beating you over the head with said coconuts. Well at the Aloha Springs Resort, you don't have to imagine because.... Whoah! Looks like I got a little carried away there. Because, today's post is not about getting hit on the head with coconuts, at least not physical coconuts. No today's post is about 1) pop-culture and 2) why Britney Spears deserves to get beaten with a coconut.

Actually the class hasn't started yet per se, but I did do the reading. The reading as 4 chapters in a book called, what else, Pop Culture. Four chapters of pompous, academic, ranting. Four chapters, spanning 41 pages. Luckily most of what they said was garbage, and the rest can be summarized in bullet point form.

• eC15 means Early 15th Century
• Likewise lC19 means late 19th Century
• By now, you can probably guess what mC17 means.
• If you want your readers to know what the hell you are talking about, it would be best to write "Early 15th Century." It takes only a little longer to type, and it is much clearer.
• At the very least define your acronyms, rather than forcing your readers to do guesswork.
• That goes double for l. and fw.
• Culture is a very old word stemming from a root meaning agriculture. It's facts like this that are useful in Trivial Pursuit.
• Eight bullet points, and we haven't even touched Pop Culture.
• Eventually in the eighteenth century, culture came to mean nourishment for the mind. Thus Opera can be considered Culture, as can Calculus, but the author, being "Liberal Artsy", does not mention Calculus.
But what does this have to do with Britney Spears and Coconuts? Well we have many more bullet points to cover.
• The word mass indicates plebeian or low base, mob, ignorant. It also indicates a fundamental property of matter, but we don't really care here.
• So here's the nub of our argument. If we prefix culture with mass, we vulgarize it. So instead of Opera, we get, well, Britney.
• Presumably Pop Culture is the same sort of thing.

You following? Good cause there are 3 more chapters to go. Interesting how much time you can spend on the blindingly obvious.

• Culture, as in the Shakespeare and the calculus, is appreciated by only a small number of people. Actually again the author only cares about art, music, and literature, but I'll give F.R Lewis the benefit of the doubt.
• Not only can only a few people appreciate the beauty of Shakespeare, but those precious few people can something or other. "For such capacity does not belong merely to an isolated aesthetic realm it implies responsiveness to theory as well as to art, to science [finally] and to philosophy in so far as these may affect the human situation and the nature of life." In other-words, understanding culture involves responding to external stimuli. It involves not being brain dead.
• Only those select few individuals make any meaningful contribution to society, and everyone else could die of Plague for all the author cares.
• The Author is of course of this minority.
• notElon disagrees with this author. I mean without the rest of the world, who would clean up all those bodies?
• Besides that, even if most people aren't intellectuals, they sill can contribute to Society in some way, assuming they are not brain dead.
• "It seems, then, not unnecessary, to restate the obvious."
• notElon has noticed.
• America does not possess this high culture, but is more "Democratic."
• I mean just look at that Mark Twain. So low-brow.
• And don't get me started on Dave Barry.
• Those darn Americans are even making the British less stuck-up.
• Even France won't hold out for long.
• Then Culture will be dead, and the world will be doomed. Doomed. Doomed to mediocrity.
• If it means getting rid of the Author, no loss.

Half way there. Gee, this is fun.

• "For about a century Western Culture has really been two cultures: the traditional kind — Let us call it "High Culture" —that is chronicled in the textbooks, and a mass culture for the market.
• Only for the last ONE HUNDRED YEARS? G-d where has this guy been?
• There were always two sets of academics those that sit around in monasteries having obscure discussions ie the Monks and those that popularize their knowledge ie the Minstrels.
• Lets see if we can get "The Monks and The Minstrels" into an academic journal.
• Many of those guy you enshrine as Pure Culture —Shakespeare for instance— were also popular entertainers, and they are actually the far more interesting category.
Oh sorry I got carried away for a second. Back to this guy's bullet points.
• "A work of High Culture is occasionally popular, though this is exceedingly rare.
• Gee, I wonder why.
• Soviet Russia is the King of Mass Culture, i.e propaganda and statues of Lenin.
• Everything in Soviet Russia is BIASED and appeals to the lowest common denominator.
• And the masses love it. They eat Pravda up. They sing the most tasteless base odes to Stalin with real fervor.
• What is wrong with these stupid Russians? Can't they see this is all garbage?
• Gresham's Law can be applied to culture, because I said so.
• Gresham's Law states that bad currency drives the good out of circulation, as people are more eager to spend that which depreciates faster and they will hoard their more currency as they come across it.
• Gresham's "Law" of Culture: "Bad stuff drives out the good, since it is more easily understood and enjoyed.

Technically there is yet more material, but that is probably enough to stew on for now. Does Gresham's Law of Culture explain Britney Spears? Does it explain Coconuts? It is it not too late to go back to the Feudal System? Tune in when we replace the batteries, and once again shine the light of Cold Hard Facts upon the daemons of Popular Culture.

Post 100

2007-07-06T15:50:00.001-04:00

Well actually it's post 101. Because, due to a Blogger error, for a short time Wednesday's post was 100. In America they even had post 100 fireworks in my honor. Though, for some strange reason Britain's celebrations in my honour are scheduled for November 5. Beats me why.

Anyway, next week I have to take two Humanities Classes, to fill my "Electives." Quite honestly, I would rather elect to take Physics or History, but I'm stuck with Humanities. Why do you care? Well a while back I wrote a guest post on another blog, showing my alleged schedule.

At that time, some people expressed interest that I actually take those classes (All the ones but the top 2). That way, I could then blog about those said classes, and everybody could have a good time. Alas for Humanity, feeling that this would involve me spending extra money to have a bad time, I declined and later registered for better classes.

However, all is not lost. I now have to take Humanities classes. I will bring this laptop to class, and appear to take careful notes. And I will... sort of. What I really will be doing is recording the Cold Hard Facts, so that we can all enjoy the Professor's wisdom. Then, when the test comes, I can reread my own blog, reflect on all that I have learned, and get a good grade. Meanwhile you can all follow along with the curriculum and comment on the interconnectedness between Humanities, trash cans, and low paying jobs.

There is just one snag. Security. Anything written on a blog could be read by any computer user. And if I actually write about things that are "not" true, someone could potentially get offended, and I could potentially get harmed. As long as I am writing about Humanities, most people won't care one way or the other. Jeering at humanities won't offend anyone who I wouldn't offend in about 15 seconds anyway. But there is ONE person who does matter. If the professor of those classes happens to read this, I could get in serious trouble. It probably is not illegal to blog about coursework, but it might reflect badly in "Class Participation." Now odds are the professor will not read the blog just because it is mine. I seriously doubt a humanities professor would enjoy my style of writing. He might stumble on it by accident, and we must therefore take precautions. At this point, if he googles my name, we're dead. I can't do anything about that. But we can at least ensure that if he googles his own name or the name of the class, this blog will NOT show up in the search results. I won't mention the professor nor will I mention the classes the way they appear in the course catalog. People commenting should do the same. That way, as long as he doesn't google "Ghost of Jamesburg", we're good to go.

So tune in next Monday for the first dose of the Studies of American Popular Culture and Religion.

Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't. Well now, come to think of it...

2007-07-04T14:08:00.000-04:00

Everybody hates going to the dentist, what with the drill and the root canals and the painful shots. Plus the fact that someone has to stick both hands and an assorted array of tools into your mouth. Nothing could be more painful, except maybe dipping your left hand in hot, boiling, wax. Well now thanks to the ingenious Spa industry and ingenuous dental patients, you can have a root canal, while simultaneously having hot wax applied to your hand. Ahh relaxing. Oh G-d. Ow Ow Ow. Relaaaaxing.

But apparently not only do dentists get to perform more of the torture they love so much, it is also good for business, and supposedly makes patients happy. According to one, possibly a masochist, ""It's wonderful. I would recommend it to anyone because it's so relaxing."

Relaxing, huh? Well maybe I was wrong about these spas. Maybe eyebrow waxes and chemical baths are "relaxing", at least to some people. But why have the spa in the dentist? Wouldn't a better medical facility, a better host for the a spa, be one where the only clientele are women? Specifically hormonally crazed women, who are going through a stressful time, and are worried that they are no longer in the shape they once were. There could be a fortune in a career like that. Ah. It appears someone has beaten me to the punch*. Darn! Ah well. Maybe next time.

*With apologies to every woman but the ones who started the stereotype. Actually on second thought, with apologies to them too. Don't kill me.

Friday's post

2007-06-17T00:18:00.000-04:00

Friday's post will be produced, right on schedule, some time tomorrow.

We would also like to thank the five people who commented. As for the 65 lurkers who did not comment, we know where you live, though admittedly, not who you are. We urge you all to come out of the closet and post. You'll see. It'll probably be cathartic or something.

Acupuncture. (Hey we haven't used that label in a while.)

Who even reads this blog?

2007-06-11T22:24:00.000-04:00

I can guess, but I really have no idea, and your insightful comments are not so much help. Post 100 is coming up, why don't you drop by and say hi.

And we still have no winners for any of our contests.

Ghosts Part IV - Stalin

2007-06-08T13:13:00.000-04:00

Many, many people object to my having Stalin as an avatar. They claim it is poor taste, and they wonder what sick, demented reason I could have for using such a guy. Of course, in truth the picture is not Stalin at all. In a freak coincidence, Joseph Stalin and I just happen to look identical and have the same taste in dress. But if that is not enough to convince people they should stop whining, maybe this will be. New evidence shows that Stalin was really not the most evil man of the last century. In fact, some historians now claim that he was actually a pretty nice guy, and that the Gulags were all hype. Here to answer these charges is the man himself, Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

Cold Hard Facts: You are the same Joseph Stalin, premier of the USSR, who died on March 5, 1953?
Joseph Stalin: I am.
CHF: Good. I was worried we got an impostor.
CHF: How do you feel about not being the most evil, most hated, most despicable man of the last century?
JS: Blast, it's that Adolf dude isn't it? I always knew it would be close, but I thought I might just pull ahead.
CHF: Uh no, I didn't mean that you came in second place. I meant how do you feel about the changes in your legacy.
JS: Changes?
CHF: For example, did you know that if you were to run in an election today, a sizable minority of Russians would vote for you.
JS: Only a minority! Give me a sec. Beria get in here! You've got some work to do.
CHF: No I meant out of their own free will, in a secret election even if you didn't threaten to kill them.
JS: Oh. Well those people are crazy!
CHF: But there is no denying your popularity. Look at this encyclopedia article. I mean sure you were a dictator, but look how great you made Russia.
JS: That article is more biased than Pravda! Surely you don't believe that nonsense.
CHF: But look what they say about your foreign policy! You brought the glories of communism to millions of people across Europe. Think of how happy then must have been.
JS: Oh yeah. They were dancing in the street, or else...
CHF: Fine so maybe you were a little harsh, but you were the great, Fearless Leader, who won World War II. You single-handedly defeated fascism.
JS: Yeah after I sold Half of Eastern Europe to it, then purged the army and got caught in a surprise attack that killed millions of Russians, but eventually yes.
CHF: But don't the ends justify means?
JS: I think so, but I'm a heartless dictator. Normally they don't.
CHF: What about this offhand reference to Ukraine. "The economy-based cabal blames him for the 1932-1933 famine in the Ukraine, which is analogous to blaming Queen Victoria for the Irish potato famine of 1845-1849." That's fair, right.
JS: Considering Queen Victoria forced starving Ireland to export most of its food to England, yeah it's fair. I mean I only did the same thing in Ukraine. I don't like Ukrainians. Why do they need food anyway? May as well not give it to them.
CHF: Fine so you were brutal, so you deported and imprisoned innocent men...
JS: GUILTY men. Once I deport them, they're guilty, even if they're innocent.
CHF: Right. Anyway, so you killed millions of people in cold blood. You did all those terrible things. But look, you wrote beautiful poetry. Doesn't that make you a good person deserving of admiration.
JS: Well look at Hitler. Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats! But no one worships Hitler, do they?
CHF: Well actually...

So that's it for today. Tune in next week when we revise the history of Pol Pot. I bet you didn't know he was a world class Ballet Dancer.

Sorry About That

2007-06-07T16:45:00.000-04:00

We apologize for three spa related posts in a row. We hope no feelings were injured. Hopefully non-spa related posting can resume tomorrow when I return to the right state of my mind.

The Horror!!! The Horror

2007-06-07T16:18:00.000-04:00

Well it had to happen sometime. The spa epidemic has successfully jumped the species barrier to dog, cat, budgie, and possibly even goldfish. That's right. Spas are no longer for humans only. Now a new service, which appears to have been spawned in an unholy union of spa and bookmobile, will pamper your pets with a "luxurious hydrosurge therapeutic bath". Worse the "Spamobile" was started by the head of K-Mart, and rumor has it that its Blue-Light Specials are irresistible. In an attempt to find out why pets are being seduced by such a fiendish beast, we took to the streets. The results are not pleasant.

So Rex, what attracted you to this abomination. Was it the service or the Hydrosurge™?

GRRrrr

Snowball as a cat, shouldn't you know better to be seduced by such a travesty?

MeeOOW.

Goldie, surely a smart, sensible fish like you would know better than this! Goldie? Goldie? Hello? Is there any life in this tank? Well FINE! Don't answer!

Apparently the whole plague can be laid at the feet of certain individuals: Stupid Pet Owners. I mean COME ON People! Why in heck do you think your cat even wants that manicure? Do you honestly think your dog needs that $500 aromatherapy? Do you have nothing better to do with your money than blow it on a STINKIN' GOLDFISH! You people make me sick!

Oh No! When will it end?

2007-06-01T10:35:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought there might be a hint of good news on the spa front, I saw this. Yes the horrible spa industry has come out with a new form of torture, one worthy of the, now infamous, Guantanamo Bay Resort, Permanent make-up. Yes ladies, the Spa Cabal knows how obsessed you are with applying lipstick, rouge, and mascara, and, in its own sick, demented, way, it want to help. For a fee, the "Spa Renew," in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin will "delicately tattoo" blush to "to their facial area where they [women or possibly even men too!] normally wear make-up." And for extra, they will even permanently dye your lips a more vibrant shade of red. They will even anesthetize you, so you feel almost no pain. Afterwards you can have a "chemical peel", which they promise will be loads of fun.

Girls, I beg you, for your own good, do not buy their outrageous lies. I don't care how difficult it is to apply lipstick. I don't care how appealing chemical peels sound. You must stand firm. We will not not sit idly by, while people inject us with strange poisons and call it relaxing. We will not allow these bastards to drown our sorrows in soothing goo. We will stand firm. We will... Hey wait! Where are you going? Get away from those telephones. I'm serious here!

We Salute You!

2007-06-01T10:05:00.000-04:00

The Cold Hard Facts salutes the brave makers of the documentary Severance. While I have not actually seen this, I am told it is a real-life, behind-the-scenes look at a typical spa. Kudos to you producers. Perhaps once people realize that spas are actually inhabited by depraved serial killers, they will think twice about visiting one, and the Tides of War will finally turn. Information is our strongest weapon. Spread the word.

Anti-Racist Math

2007-05-30T14:12:00.000-04:00

Welcome. It's time for another Cold Hard look at the important issues facing our youngsters. Today's pressing debate topic is Anti-Racist Math, New Paradigm Or Just Plain Silly. We argue — you decide. Behold the Cold Hard Facts. Here to discuss Anti-Racist Math with us, is special guest Deborah Hanover, straight from the Boston University English Department.

Cold Hard Facts: Let's start by defining what is anti-racist math.
Deborah Hanover: Anti-Racist Math attempt to rid the fields of mathematics of the cultural baggage of its white, objective, male chauvinist, heritage, and thereby make knowledge more neutral and inviting for all cultures.
CHF: Yes, but what exactly is it?
DH: Anti-Racist Math attempt to rid the fields of mathematics of the cultural baggage of its white, objective, male chauvinist, heritage, and thereby make knowledge more neutral and inviting for all cultures.
CHF: Um ok. Let me rephrase this. In your view, the current method of teaching arithmetic is racist, correct? How would you correct this?
DH: Well we would have to actively make it our first priority to eliminate the systemic bias towards the objective teaching, and teach in a more intuitive, more ethnocentric style.
CHF: Could you give me a specific example? Your meaningless jargon is starting to get on my nerves.
DH: That is because you are a member of the aggressive white, chauvinist, male hiearchy, and you lack the compassion to understand the issue. Plus you are clearly a racist.
CHF: Uh, thanks I think. Why don't I give you a math problem, and you tell me exactly what to change?
DH: Sure. Go ahead. But don't get upset when your social order comes crashing down on you.

Bill has 3 apples. If Bill takes away 2 of them, how many apples are left?

CHF: That seems like a simple enough subtraction problem that any 2nd grader can do. Where's the bias?
DH: Are you blind?! First of all, "Bill" is a white, male, name, sending the signal that women and African-Americans will never be able to "take away" apples. Second "take away" is a hurtful term that implies the forceful grasping of something against its will, symbolically hinting at male dominance and slavery. Thirdly, apples, being a staple of the Western World, are hardly a multicultural fruit, thus sending the signal of white bias for all to see.
CHF: I don't see that at all. That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard of. Is this a Joke?
DH: A joke?! *Do you dispute that there are large inequalities within the performance of students. Now, arguably, someone out there feels that these inequalities are not inherent in students (say, when students of the same or similar intelligence levels often end up under-performing mathematically when they come from a particular background). Can you dare argue with the fact that there is a distinct lack in both the opportunity to undertake and the actual undertaking of STANDARDISED MATHEMATICAL TESTS AND EXAMINATIONS SO THAT STUDENTS MAY DISPLAY THEIR ABILITIES IN AN UNBIASED WAY. If it is the case that, for example, in American and UK universities, there is a distinct lack of a standardised method of examining and testing mathematicians (assuming, of course, that mathematicians should be held as being professionals who can be tested in such ways), then this idea is not a laughing stock, but refers to real concerns that can be objectively verified. Your off-handed debunking of Anti-racist science is probably worth a further re-think, especially given historical scientific racism. The point I suppose here is that your criticism is not justified. Why don't you just join the Ku Klux Clan right now, you bigot?
CHF: So you think the most likely reason that some ethnic groups have bad grades, is that test questions, like "1x3 = ?" or x² + 6x + 5 = 0; find x" are inherently biased? They're math test question for crying out loud! They are completely straightforward! How could they possibly be biased?!
DH: All tests are inherently biased. All knowledge is inherently biased. Everything is a social construct.
CHF: So what do you want to do? Forget the math and give everyone As?
DH: Well, we also have to teach the students a lot of "multi-cultural" garbage as well, but basically yes.
CHF: Have you ever heard the expression, "At 30,000 feet, I want the designer to be an expert in Racist Math"?
DH: Yes it clearly shows society's bias against my work. Why do you always mock my ideas?
CHF: Because your ideas are BS. Now GET OUT! You are driving me insane.
DH: Fine I will. But, first let me respond** to the your clearly mistaken (clearly mistaken) banterings. It is interesting, however, that a scientist should complain about “fancy [verbal] footwork” when responding to criticism of racism in mathematics (as a symptom of an inherently racist society – for example, the US or the UK). But, when given even more opportunities to do so, does not complain about the self-same (and, may I add, even more blatant) verbal footwork in the mathematical publications that he/she is all to happy to use as a convenient excuse for their over inflated pay-packets. May I advise that, when someone tells you the truth, you think before you criticise it? Or would a white mathematician be all to happy to say that mathematics (and truth with it) are white? Certainly this is something that the white race is all too happy to do in newspapers and the media - if not society in general.
CHF: Ah, Forget it! FORGET IT. Just LEAVE ME ALONE. Why did I ever invite a raving loony like you to the blog? What in heck was I thinking?

Well she really convinced me. Anti-racist math is a truly good idea, and we should all lobby our government representatives to bring this truly innovative, wholesome curriculum into our schools. Let us expunge the racist blot from our lives and remove the yolk of bias from our children.Let us strive to follow in the footsteps of the enlightened Ms. Hanover. Only then, will the world be a better place. I think I'm going to be sick.

*This entire argument was lifted from a wikipedia talk page. due to its extreme lack of sense, downright silliness, and many non-sequitors. Hey it's under the GPL.
*CF the same. That guy is a true idiot.

Sorry

2007-05-30T13:16:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of posting. I thought it would be easier to write posts now that I have free time. But in fact, I have found that the more important the stuff I should be doing is, the more time I have to work on the blog. But at last, a new post (or even several) is in the works.

Today's Post

2007-05-09T23:08:00.000-04:00

It's gonna be totally awesome, except I haven't quite written it yet. Stay Tuned!

Post now? Nope I already did.

2007-05-02T15:48:00.000-04:00

Sorry there will be no new post today, Aww. But that's because I already posted yesterday. Yes I am now a syndicated Blogger. Yay Only it's a one time thing, and I didn't get paid. Aww, You can find it here, and as a bonus, it's two posts in one. Yay!

Of course, being that I posted it there, it's not really Elonstruths, but hey, you read what you can get.

Book Deal?

2007-04-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

Recently I was talking to one of my friends, and he mentioned he was shocked that I hadn't capitalized on the blog's runaway popularity, in order to make millions off a crummy book that I can trick you all into reading. Oddly enough, the though never occurred to me, but a Cold Hard Facts book, or even better a series of books, does seem like the next logical step.

There's just one small problem. All the bloggers who capitalized their success, primarily had blogs about two things: Sex and Politics. As I told my friend, there just not that big a market among the weirdo and the math-obsessed. But he observed that's why I'm the perfect person to write one, because I am full of both sex and politics. We could combine both into one book, and have ourselves a best-seller.

He was right of course. I mean everybody knows, Edgar Greenberg the life of every party, both political and drinking. Every night I go off to the bar with my friends to discuss the latest hot issue, and every morning I wake up in a dumpster with no memory, but confident that I must have torn up the place. The longer, the louder, the better, that's my motto on parties. I drink so much, I have cirrhosis at 20.Don't you want to read about how I'm wasting my life, Houghton-Mifflen? And of course my reputation with the ladies speaks for itself.* Rumor has it, that I once had 20 girls fling themselves at me in one night*. Nope, I'm certainly not a boring, straight-laced, moral, upright kind of guy. Not at all.

So yeah, I think my book would be perfect. Now all I have to do is find a publisher. I was thinking Scholastic. I mean The Cold Hard Facts on Girls and Graft: My Life: Part One would be the perfect addition to that spam you send out to fifth graders. It would certainly make a name for itself with the teachers.

*It says loser, but it speaks loud and clear. Oh and Random House, just uh ignore these footnotes. They're uh none of your business.
*Well rumor has it now, anyway.

Don't forget to vote tomorrow!

2007-04-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

Just a reminder. The all important Edwardsville School Board Elections are tomorrow. The Cold Hard Facts previously hosted a debate between two of the candidates, and if you live in Edwardsville, IL, we urge to carefully read through the whole thing, and then go vote. The election is obviously very close and very important. And judging by the recent spike in hits and controversy engendered by that debate, many of your fellow Edwardsvillians are morons who don't know the meaning of the word humor, and you don''t want them selecting the school board, do you?

If you don't live in Edwardsville, there's still time to grab your rifle and your bible, march down there, and make Edwardsville bleed. We'll take their school board by force if we have to.

Either way, Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party, even in Edwardsville where parties officially don't exist. They just don't know the meaning of fun there. It's up to you to show them how to have a good time.

Which is more important — blogging or studying?

2007-04-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

Clearly blogging. Otherwise, why would I bother writing this post?

Injustice!!

2007-04-08T01:04:00.000-04:00

Another day, another contest. And guess which blog didn't win. That's right this one. I was robbed. The Seattle Post Intelligencer* crowned some blog called Careerandkids their featured blog. Apparently they were impressed by it's cheap, gimmicky headlines like "Taking Kids on Business Trips," and The Secret to Successful Work Life Balance." Oh and Careerandkids is written by a "Real working parent, Busy Mom, not a journalist who is also a dad." Whoop-de-doo. It's still way worse than Cold Hard Facts and the Post Intelligencer knows it.

I know what you are going to tell me. "Calm down. Maybe Careerandkids really did deserve to win." Well it's not going to work. We have been aiming for that award for the last two weeks straight. We spent ages working up to this moment. Our hour of triumph was at hand. And then fate cruelly snatched the prize from our grasp.

Working Dad you are making a huge mistake. This blog is Chock-full of "Childcare tips". Perhaps you forgot we gave you that exclusive scoop on how to get the best babysitters for the money. And maybe you didn't notice, but only the Cold Hard Facts contains step by step instructions on changing a diaper while driving down the freeway at 90 mph. Perhaps you didn't notice our special segment, "Tele-housework, the wave of the Future." That post alone could revolutionize homemaking and forever change the pardigm of Working Moms. And last but not least we saved countless mothers time and money by teaching them a better way to fold laundry. Careerandkids never did any of that.

And hey, maybe I'm not a mom, and Maybe I don't have kids, and maybe I don't even work, maybe I'm not even a girl, but to deny me the prize is discrimination. What makes you think a mom knows more about childcare than a single man? Isn't that just prejudice? In fact in this enlightened society, shouldn't you specifically choose the poor bum over the experienced mom? Wouldn't that really illustrate the meaning of joint child-rearing? Think about it.

Mr. Working Dad, I urge you to reconsider. Look deep inside yourself, and ask who really deserves that reward. And then disregard that person and give it to me. It's only just.

*Slightly off topic, but what kind of name is the Post Intelligencer? I wonder if there is a Pre Intelligencer too. Perhaps that is Tacoma's Paper. And what in heck does Intelligencer mean anyway?

And you thought I wouldn't post today!

2007-04-04T22:14:00.000-04:00

You were right.

Public Service Announcement

2007-03-28T14:23:00.000-04:00

Please be advised when applying solutions of Sodium hypochlorite to surfaces previously bathed in solutions of Ammonia. The resulting chloramine manufacture is somewhat undesirable.

In completely unrelated news, Pesach Cleaning is coming along nicely.

Also we still have absolutely no entries in our contest. Be sure to send in those emails.

Reason #28 for Choosing the Hard Sciences

2007-03-26T00:17:00.000-04:00

We get better junkmail.

Look, it even has testimonials!

Feel free to prove your junkmail is cooler than mine in the THIRD Cold Hard Facts Contest. Owner of the best junkmail gets to write a blog post.

But, please gynocologists don't even bother sending in your junkmail. I do have some standards.

Face it You Lost

2007-03-20T16:01:00.000-04:00

Recently there has been much uproar in Florida about an art exhibit of the Confederate Naval Emblem on a gallows, symbolizing lynching. The Sons of Confederate Veterans are outraged by the display, and are plotting to have it removed. And, the law is on their side, at least technically. In Florida, even though it is perfectly legal and constitutionally protected to burn, stomp on, graffiti, or otherwise desecrate the True Flag of the Country, if I lived in Florida, I would be breaking the law, as it is apparently illegal even to "cast contempt upon
the Confederate flag "by word or by act". Clearly this law is unconstitutional, and there is no way any court would send, artist, John Sims to jail, but the question remains why is the darn flag held in such high regard?

The Confederate flag is not the only Confederate relic some Southerners hold in high regard. Southern Generals are revered, to the point that the name Lee Jackson Smith, sounds almost normal. All across the South, Confederate History Month is officially proclaimed every April*. And Southerners insist on showing their love for the Confederacy in food and song**. Those brave Confederates and their great sacrifice to forge a new nation are honored above all else.

Well Southies, this may trouble you, but you didn't win the "War of Northern Aggression". No, you, what's the word I'm looking for, right LOST. You were defeated. Vanquished. Routed. Conquered. Put down. Crushed. Beaten. Slaughtered. So you really have nothing to feel proud about. You rebelled against your sovereign nation, over slavery ***, which you all say you hate, seized every US fort, took up arms against your own people, started a major war and you lost. You didn't even go down that bravely. So you have nothing to be proud of. NOTHING! You all are just a bunch of sore losers.

Furthermore, you people are such cowards that you won't admit you went to war for a stupid reason and lost. No, you make up excuses. It wasn't about slavery, you say. Either 2/3 or 70% or 90% or a whopping 98% of confederates didn't even own slaves. And that doesn't even include all the slaves who didn't own slaves.**** It's about States' Rights. And you really didn't want to start a war. The north forced you to fire on Fort Sumner. Or better yet, the North fired on their own fort, forcing, I suppose, PGT Beauregard, to try and defend it. All you're doing is honoring the brave soldiers, your proud forbearers, who took up arms to defend their homelands from a foreign invader. And you will honor their ~~treason~~ erm bravery for ever and ever. Oh, and all them Blacks can honor their ancestors in the Confederacy too. They just don't for some reason. Instead, of acknowledging the truth, and taking responsibility, you deny the meaning of the war, and you pretend the Confederacy and its flag has nothing to do with racism. For over 100 years, you have upheld myth of the Fallen South, instead of owning up to your problems. And, you have the gall to accuse us of "Racism" and "Offensiveness", whenever someone dares say you're wrong. I fail to see how that attitude is brave or rebellious in any way.

Well, in many other countries, waving the flag of a rebellion, would get you accused of treason and thrown in jail. In no other country, do governors, senators, army officers, and judges fly the flag of rebellion. Nowhere else do people venerate traitors and name forts and cities after them. Nowhere else, do states annually pass proclamations honoring thee contributions of said traitors. That is done only here. You of all peoples should be grateful you live in the United States, where we let you get away with this kind of behavior.

*Actually that a bad example, and not at all the Cold Hard Facts, because the Texas Senate has a reputation for passing any proclamation, no matter how stupid. But other states passed similar documents.
**Fine here
*** Ok fine, tariffs too. But, who starts a bloody war with hundreds of thousands of deaths over tariffs?
**** Of course every Southern Political Leader owned slaves, and nearly every man who could vote owned slaves, and most of the Confederate Officers owned slaves, and slavery was the only issue discussed leading up to the Civil War, but slavery had nothing to do with it. If most of the Confederates simply went along with their leaders, and did not believe their cause was just, how exactly did they "join the Confederate armed forces to defend their homes, their families, and their proud heritage as Southerners." If they had not blindly followed the slave-owners, their homes and families wouldn't be attacked.

Post Soon

2007-03-19T23:55:00.000-04:00

Busy now. No time for Cold Hard Facts.

How many words for snow do you know?

2007-03-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

Recently the Rutgers University Student Association drafted a new constitution. Fine, Good, Who Cares? Well normally nobody, but this is Rutgers, and so, naturally, such things are complicated affairs. Instead of just electing a college-wide body of representatives, under the new constitution we elect at least ten, one body for each of the four schools, which supposedly don't exist anymore, one body for Busch Campus which never was a school, but hey it can have a government too, one body each for the Business, Pharmacy, and Engineering Schools, cause G-d Forbid their members vote in one of the five other elections, and in addition, there is a provision in the constitution granting additional reps for cultural councils. Although the cultural councils are not specified in the 10 out 16 pages of the constitution dealing with voting procedure, there is a vague understanding that these cultural councils are specifically for Black and or Asian students. The result of this bureaucracy, is that I get only one vote, a vote for the Livingston Governing Board, and even though I am involved in both Chemistry and Judaism, those interests are not deemed important enough to give me votes. But a Chinese Engineer, or a Black Business student will get three, because they have three different interests on the board. While my engineering friends are overjoyed, I can't help but feel that I am getting gypped.

And so, after considering various options (Should the Chemistry Department secede, and form its own school. Should we blaackmail President McCormick into giving Jews two or three extra votes?), I decided that the best option would be to create a new cultural board, a board we can all be part of. And so with apologies to Inuit and Yupik, the Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council was born. First I get a large group of people with similar interests to mine. Next, we band together in the Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council, and pledge to vote as a block. Last, we get Eskimos recognized as a majority needing extra protection, and BANG, we all get extra votes. Sounds like a plan, right.

I already came up with some catchy slogans. Take a look.

"We use every part of the Walrus bu..." "Every part" "Yes, even that part, but we still only get one vote."

"It rankles my igloo."

"If we have to gulp down raw whale blubber, at least we should get fair representation"

So go ahead join the The Rutgers Residential Eskimo Governing Council— A Cynical Ploy to Garner an Extra Vote for the Rutgers Student Government, and make a ~~positive~~ impact on society. Only with your help, can we all cheat the system!

Hey you wana buy a friend?

2007-02-26T23:47:00.000-05:00

Some people are born popular. Others are not so lucky. Some people are just the antithesis of popular and that's just the way life is. Judging by the fact you bother reading my blog, you yourself are one of those pathetic wretches.

In olden days, this was not so problematic. Sure you had no friends, and you were beaten and teased, and you couldn't get a date, and you became a poor, lonely, broken shell of a man. But at least no one knew about it. Now, if you get a Myspace or Facebook account and only make 500 or so friends, and those friends are all hideously ugly, the whole world will know. There is no way around it. If you don't have a Facebook account, you are a hopeless loser, and if you do, everyone knows you are a hopeless loser. You're simply doomed to be a global laughingstock.

But at last there is an answer. According to the New York Times, it is now possible to buy a friend. Well a picture of a friend anyway. Yesm you heard right. For just 99 cents a month, you can have a picture of a hot model in your friends list, and she'll even proclaim her love for you twice a week. And for each 99 cent you pay, she'll proclaim her love an additional two times. Or if you prefer, you can have a hot guy proclaim his love for you twice a week. Who needs a real girlfriend, when, for just 84 bucks, you can have an imaginary person write you a mush note every hour? I mean isn't that awesome? Someone you don't know, who you never will know, and who doesn't even realize her picture is being abused in this fashion, is now pretending to be your girlfriend. You are still a loser, but now no one will ever know. Hey it worked for Lindsay from San Diego. It can work for you too.

So go ahead sign up today. And write in and tell me how it went. I won't make fun of you or anything...

Help a poor guy in need

2007-02-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

With Valentine's day rolling around, my thoughts turned to this guy and his poor plea for help.

(click to expand)

If you or someone you know is a hot white girl who is not taken by an Asian or Black, who doesn't mind dating a loser and idiot, and who is not a evil racist Jewish person, please contact soothsayer1489@yahoo.com. That's soothsayer1489@yahoo.com and send him a valentine asap. The Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you.

And if you are rich businessman from Nigeria who needs $1000 to smuggle his vast fortune from Nigeria, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl are looking for you too.

And if you need to send ten copies of an email out, or suffer a powerful curse, the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl is all ears.

And if you are selling drugs for old losers with sorry lives, what's a better place to make a pitch than the Association of White Guys Who Would Like A White Girl.

So that's soothsayer1489@yahoo.com. Call now. Remember anyone can be a racist, but there can be only one soothsayer1489@yahoo.com, and he needs your help.

Living on Hot Air

2007-02-13T17:07:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what you can find on the internet. For example did you know there are actually people who believe eating is bad for you It's true! According to the frequently Asked Questions on their website, "Q:But if I stop eating I'll die!" A:Not True! This is the biggest lie in history! It is not food that keeps you alive, but your WILL. In fact, it is food or eating(your DIEt) that is killing you!We wonder why we age, or get sick, or smell bad, and finally die; this the DIRECT RESULT of eating! Eating is a destructive act. To eat you must kill or destroy something and we all know what the penalty for killing is. Because we have built up resistance, we don't die right away but slowly, and we call this aging!" Apparently, if you don't eat you can live forever. Really, it's the Cold Hard Fact

I know what you are thinking. You think no one on Earth could possibly live without food or water. Just one glance at a starving child in Africa, or an emaciated Jew after Yom Kippur, seems to illustrate the importance of food and water. And you would be right. No one on Earth could possibly live without food or water.

But breatharians clearly don't come from Earth I mean come on! Did you really think anyone on earth could be so stupid? No, these people come from the transdimensional Earth Prime.See in addition to Old Earth, where all normal people live, there is also Middle Earth, or Transition Earth, containing all matter of wondrous creatures, like this dwarf, but even they are still slaves to their stomachs.

To be free of eating we must go beyond Middle Earth, to a whole new plane of existence, the glorious square root of negative world of Earth Prime. Earth Prime looks exactly like Earth, except that on Earth Prime it is impossible to think rationally and coherently or take a shower. In fact if a Earth Primer even attempts to do either, an anti-time eruption occurs, and he is sucked away for ever. In the words of someone who is, alas all too obviously stuck on Earth prime, we can think of Earth Prime as the "5 dimentional" "original new age" Earth, an "Ethereal" home of the "Star-Colonists" far from the "Lab". Earth Prime also has probability coordinates in 3 dimensional space-time, somewhere in the vicinity of California.

Due to the somewhat unique laws of physics on Earth Prime, those living there often find they do not need to eat, and that they can survive on unused brain tissue alone. As long as they stay in the nether-land of Earth Prime, eating and drinking are unnecessary. Of course when they want to visit Earth, they do what the Earthlings do, but this appearance of eating should not be held against them, as they don't actually get any nutrition from their stops on Earth. It's just, you know, habit.

So how can I visit this glorious world of Earth Prime, you ask. Well G-d know why you would want to, but if you really do, you can travel to Utah, and take a seminar for the ridiculously low introductory price of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS or more. It may sound steep and exorbitant, but think of all the money you save on food, and money has no value to Earth Primers anyway.

Alternatively, if you have have a "basic grasp of quantum physics," you can gradually wean yourself off food and ascend to the higher plane. I suppose that means I can do it, if I really wanted to, but I think I'll take my chances with food. You guys can try it though. If any of you are alive after a month, tell me how it went.

New Post in the works.

2007-02-12T23:14:00.000-05:00

A new post will come out some time tomorrow, but the topic is so incredibly weird, I need more time to research it.

Losing the war on Spas

2007-01-27T20:05:00.000-05:00

Last month, we reported on the unfortunate growing epidemic of paying to bathe in strange liquids. Now we return to the deadly spa, as we look at incoming reports of even more horrific torture selling for ever more exorbitant prices. The outrage has gotten so bad it calls for an emergency blog post, and marks the inauguration of a new label.

First on our hit list is the thumb massage. Apparently geared towards people addicted to cell phone texting, who can't pay for a full spa treatment, this new service consists of "Thumb Massages," and application of "Light emitting diodes" and Polarized current" to the thumb, ear and, mouth. Normally I am a big fan of LEDs, but using them to rip off stupid women is just sick.

If the thumb massages are not enough to make you cower, just listen to this next spa treatment: Flesh Eating Fish. Yes, that's right. In this treatment a woman sticks her feet into water containing actual fish which are actually encouraged to eat the dead skin offf her toes, so that she looks marginally better in sandals. After that she can pay an additional fee to shave off her eyebrows and replace them with prosthetics. Crazy aain't it. But here's the worst part. Women aren't the only people interested in these treatments. Men too are letting fish eat their flesh. Men also are going for the prosthetic eyebrows. And here's the worst bit, now there are even men who will actually pay to have hot wax poured in an area I won't mention, but suffice to say the procedure sounds incredibly painful. I had hooped that at least men would have more sense than that, but I was wrong. This spa epidemic is too far out of control.

But that's not the worst bit. No the item that made me create this emergency blog post come from the Holy Land A spa is now charging 300 shkalim for the privilege of allowing real live snakes to crawl up and down all over your naked body. Apparently this is supposed to be relaxing. RELAXING? What in the world is less relaxing than having a live snake crawl all over you. I'll tell you what! The thought that I wasted 300 shekalim to have that snake crawl all over me.

The spas have pushed the forces of reason back far enough. We can no longer afford to retreat against this imminent threat. It's time we take a stand. We must fight back, and yes die if we have to. It is the only way we can save society. We must fight back for the sake of the Cold Hard Facts.

Take This Plane Straight to...

2007-01-26T13:30:00.000-05:00

A man unsuccessfully tried to hijack a plane with lip balm and an asthma inhaler last Tuesday. Shouting "Take this plane straight to Johannesburg!", he banged on the cockpit door, and threatened to light his lip balm on fire and blow up the plane with the inhaler. The plane continued to Johannesburg, South Africa on schedule, and passengers were rescued in in time to make their connecting flights.

Passengers are severely traumatized, and are suing Air Botswana for Near Endangerment and Emotional Trauma. "My clients will never be able to look at an inhaler again, without laughing hysterically," their lawyer stated. "Besides, what if he had jabbed the balm down someone's throat. They would have choked to death. This was a serious breach of security." Air Botswana was unavailible for comment.

It is believed that the suspect is a member of Al Qaeda. However, in a tape aired on Al Jezeera, Osama bin Laden denied this allegation. "Let the infidels know, that while I hire stupid people, I don't hire peeople that stupid. I am not hiding out in a cave for nothing", bin Laden bellowed.

A copycat hijack attempt was also foiled, when the perpetrator was forced to leave his liquid-containing squirt gun with security before boarding.

President Bush has declared this another victory in the war on terror. "Uh our guys are uh they're doin' a good job. And uh, we gotta keep the good work. We gotta keep making America safe from lip balm and squirt guns" Bush proudly told reporters.

The terror alert level briefly went up to "Fire Engine Red," but it has since been lowered to"Cranberry." In wake of a recent terrorist threat, which the government will not say is actually real, the level was again raised to "Outrageous Orange," last night.

Shoes— Not just for the ladies.

2007-01-20T19:43:00.000-05:00

Like most men, I own less than five pairs of shoes. However, members of the other gender are notorious for owning millions of pairs each. This gives them influence over shoe style, and since they tend to like uncomfortable shoes in every imaginable color, that is not a good thing.

But now men are fighting back. Sneakerheads, the technical term for men who own more than tenm pairs of track shoes, are an up and coming new market. And stores are starting to take notice.

Sneakerheading is a trend I can get into, not because I actually care about sneakers but just so I have something to annoy annoying girls with. The next time I hear a girl mention clogs, high tops, or heels, I can ask her which treads go best with moderately faded jeans. In fact, I encourage every man I know to try this. It's time we fight back.

Post Labels

2007-01-17T18:14:00.000-05:00

Someone recently remarked that due to the scope of this blog, it sometimes is difficult to obtain the Cold Hard Facts of the required subject matter. We sympathize with these concerns, and we thus proudly introduce our new Logical organizational labeling system.

1) All new posts of blog information will be affixed with the label "Donald Trump".
2) All posts will some truth in them will be labeled "breadsticks", unless another rule would say otherwise.
3) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, the Post will be labeled "Donald Trump", but not "breadsticks".
4) If the conditions for rule 1 and for rule 2 are both satisfied, and thus the conditions for rule 3 are also satisfied, but there is also falsehood in the post, the "Warning" label will be affixed, in warning
4) If acupuncture is mentioned even in passing, the dog doo label is applicable.
5) If a reference is made to a label, the post will be labeled with the "label" label.
6) Any post referencing astrology will be labeled "Fresh Kills," unless Jupiter is in the fifth house.
8) Jupiter is assumed not to live in houses.
9) Any post which does not contain the words "Cold hard Facts," will be labeled "Cold Hard Facts."
10) Any post which would not merit any label whatsoever merits the sympathy label, "Oil of Violets."

Technical Difficulties

2007-01-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

Due to lack of internet connection at my residence, last Friday's, Today's, and possibly Wednesday's posts will be delayed. For once, I have an excuse.

Rutgers was Robbed Again!

2007-01-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

Like any fan of their, Alma Mater, I spend a good portion of my day cheering for for Rutgers, and when Rutgers doesn't win I cry and pout for weeks. This is especially so when the loss is the result of unfair calls. In that case my friends and I sit around railing at the injustice of referees, even years after the event.

Alas Rutgers is agian a victim of conspiricy. The Young America Foundation just released it's "Dirty Dozen", a listing of "America’s Most Bizarre and Politically Correct College Courses," and Rutgers was not on it. In fact not one of Rutgers's courses has ever been listed, not even once. But do you know which college is host to the all-time worst? That's Right, it's Princeton, who is apparently our rival. Grrr, it makes me so angry.

Well for your information, Young America Foundation, Rutgers has plenty of stupid, nonsense courses. We are the king of stupid, nonsense, courses. Your arch-nemisis, Liberalism is the very demon-spawn of Rutgers. And I for one, want recognition for them. So today for the benifit of the bozos at the Young America Foundation, we will be looking at the Cold Hard Facts of Rutgers College Courses. We'll see if we can't beat those snoods at Columbia and Cornell*.

Opening Rutgers's course Catalog to a random page, we come to the total lunacy of the... Physics department. Hastily closing the book, we reopen it, to the Religion Department. Ah here we go. What is more stupid than 01:840:201 The Old Testament, an interpretation of basic Hebrew Scriptures in translation; history of religious themes such as sin, covenants, and prophecy, in ancient Israel? Translation: The Tanach, as taught by a Christian who speaks no Hebrew or Aramaic, who believes an eye for an eye is literal, and who has never heard of commentaries. It could only be 01:840:401 Seminar in Old Testament Literature, a study of the role in redactional criticism in determining literary structure, interdependence of primary divisions, and development of basic themes in the Hebrew's Scriptures. Translation: Using the pseudoscientific field of Literary Criticism on the English "translation" of the Latin "translation", of the Greek "translation" of the Tanach, in the hopes of making everyone very angry. Oh and Young America Foundation, here's a course you may not have heard of. 01:840:439 Terrorism in Christianity: An unbiased, rational, didactic look at Pogroms, Inquisitions, Crusades, Blood-Libels, Expulsions, and Ronald Reagan**. Can you honestly say that is not worse than Native American Feminisms? Take that University of Michigan.

Moving over to the Philosophy Department we find courses like 01:730:421 Semantics of Language, covering traditional questions about the semantics of names, predicates, adverbs, psychological ascriptions , and demonstrative and indexical expressions. Verbs of Change. Comparative Adjectives. I'm not even going to attempt to translate that one, but I will point out that "Verbs of Change." is a Sentence Fragment. In your face, Plato! Here's another pointless course, 01:730:418 Philosophy of Mind. Mind-body problem, the nature of consciousness; rationality; intentionality; human freedom; Theories of Dualism, physicalism, functionalism, and behavioralism. I'm not sure what that course teaches either. In fact, I'm not sure what half these courses in this department teach. If it was up to me, I would change the department name to "Logic," and can every philosophy course whose description contains more than one made up word, discounting names.

Next we turn to ~~Black~~ ~~African~~ Africana Studies. Covering a full Three! pages of nonsense. First we start with linguistics courses. I believe these are important, and if someone wants to learn Hausa, there should be a course in it. But let us compare the course discription of Elementary Hausa with that for the corresponding courses in Arabic, Hebrew, and Japanese. Hausa: Development of Oral and Written Proficiency. Student exposed to, gain an appreciation for, and possibly identify with a number of African Peoples and Cultures. Arabic: Development of oral and written proficiency. Japanese: Introduction to grammer and writing systems; practice in speaking, reading, and writing. Hebrew: Speaking, reading, and writing; oral-aural exercises. Notice the difference? And then we have the "History" courses, which I can't even make heads or tail of. And then, are you listening Young America Foundation, we have 01:014:366History of Race and Sex, with the very vague discription,"Examines how race and gender have independently and jointly determined life chances throughout America." I thought that course was bad, but it's apparently not bad enough for the critics at the Young America Foundation.

Rutger will rise from the Ashes, Young America Foundation! Just will till you see next year's lineup. I dare you to deny the prize to 01:988:346 The Evolutionary Basis of Feminism***.

My father sent me to old Rutgers,
And resolv'd that I should be a man;
And so I settled down,
In that noisy college town,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

Then sing aloud to Alma Mater
And keep the scarlet in the van'
For with her motto high
Rutgers' name shall never die
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

On the banks of the old Raritan, my friends,
Where old Rutgers evermore shall stand,
For has she not stood
Since the time of the flood,
On the banks of the old Raritan.

*Actually Columbia has never won either. But it came closer to being a runner-up. Cornell's Course on Cyberfeminism is admittedly ridiculous, but it still rankles.
**Actually I made that course up, in the hopes of getting the Young America Foundation really annoyed at us, therby giving a bigger chance to win with a course that actually exists. It's called Reverse Psychiatry.
***Ditto.

They know when you're sleeping. They know when you're awake. And they want YOU!

2006-12-25T14:21:00.000-05:00

Recently, while searching for some Cold Hard Facts, I came across a facebook page advertising the CIA. Apparently intelligence has shown that this is the most effective recruiting technique the CIA could come with.

Careful sleuthing revealed the ad was for this website. Notice the https://; that 's' means secret, a sure sign we're on the right track. And after examining the website with a fine-toothed comb, I concluded it's purpose was to recruit new CIA agents. Actually the motto on the bottom, "Today's Youth, Tomorrow's Assassins" was a dead giveaway.

So what can you do on a CIA website? Well for one you can take a personality test, with such questions as "Can you stomach our horrible flash intro", "What form of transportation do you prefer", and "What kind of dweeb doesn't pick Jetpack?" There is also a testimonial section, where agents codenamed things like FRED and SUSAN reveal the rewards and benefits of CIA work. "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you afterwards", is a common theme.

But most, importantly the people at the CIA want you to know that the CIA is just an ordinary company. Sure every employee owns a phaser and a jet-pack. And sure even the janitor learns how to kill someone with her index finger. But the CIA want you to know it also pays decent wages and gives benefits. And sometimes, you can even take your daughter to work. Just not normally.

So I think I'll join the CIA. They'll hire me for sure. And I bet passing security will be a breeze. What's not to like about the Supreme Dictator of the Fanatical League of Chemical Terrorists, who uses Stalin as his avatar?

Legendary Exploits

2006-12-20T18:18:00.000-05:00

One thing I have always wanted to do is to start my own urban legend. It can't be all that difficult, because it seems to me that people will spread almost any rumor they hear. I mean take this one. It’s clearly utter rubbish, but it made it to Snopes.

Grim Note

On the issue of consumer protection and hazardous warnings, here's a new one, I think. Those yellow sponges with the green plastic fibers on the back for scrubbing pots — "Pot Scrubbers" — should be kept far away from our birds, fish, reptiles, cats and dogs, hamsters and whatevers.

Proctor & Gamble, in its continuing search to make America look clean and smell great, has a new "improved" version of the sponge on the market that kills odor-causing fungi that get in the sponge after a few uses. They make a big deal out of this innovation on the outside packaging. A friend of mine used one of these sponges to clean the glass on a 200-gallon aquarium. The abrasive backs are good for removing algae and smutz that collect on the inside of the tank. He refilled the tank and after the water had time to condition and rid itself of chlorine, he reintroduced his tropical fish collection of some 30 fish. Within five hours of putting the fish back in the tank, they were all dead! Some began to die after only 30 minutes. He removed the survivors to another tank but they all died.

Retracing his steps to clean the tank, the only thing that was different was using that new kind of sponge - he'd used the regular old Pot Scrubbers for years. Lo and behold I discovered on the back of the packaging in about the finest print you could put on plastic a description of the fungicide in the sponge and the warning in tiny bold-face letters, "not for use in aquariums. keep away from other pets."
Thanks for the warning, Proctor & Gamble. It seems the fungicide is a derivative of the systemic pesticide-herbicide, 2-4-D, more popularly known as Agent Orange, the chemical we sprayed all over Southeast Asian during the Vietnam War that many veterans and war refugees say did them permanent damage to their lungs and nervous systems.

The package warning goes on to say they fungicide cannot be washed from the sponge even if it is placed in the dishwasher (in which case Agent Orange is now all over your dishes and drinking glasses). And, if you think its there to kill disease-causing bacteria like Salmonella from contaminated chicken meat, think again - it's not an effective enough bactericide to kill those kind of bugs.

I called P&G to register a complaint and told them I'd never use their products again because I couldn't trust what they were putting in them. By the way, the same chemical in the sponge is used now in many of those popular anti-bacterial, anti-viral disinfectant liquid soaps and hand cleaners that are flooding the market. Don't buy that poison and warn your friends as well.

This legend jumped from inbox to inbox, spreading at an exponential rate*, and it doesn't even make any sense. Right off the bat I can find five or six issues with it. First off, the author didn't even bother checking the spelling of the corporation he was defaming. I suppose Proctor and Gamble is the company that manufactures Ivery Soap and Tyde Detergent. Furthermore, sponges happen to be the one thing Procter and Gamble doesn't sell. And even if the sponges did exist, 2,4-Dichlorophenoxyacetic_acid is the non-toxic component of Agent Orange. (Well comparatively non-toxic. You probably shouldn't eat the stuff.) But none of that mattered. The baseless rumor was chock-full o' holes, and yet it was successful.

So I think we should give it a try. All we have to do is write a stupid, yet outrage provoking, story. Then every reader will send it off to about twenty friends, and then bang, we're famous. We could even hide an acrostic of the blog in the rumor, or work in a reference the Ghost of Jamesburg, so people will know we were behind it. In fact, why don't you readers go create a bunch of them right now, and I'll select the best one and publish it.

I bet most of you think I could write a decent enough urban legend by myself, and get it published on Snopes by next Tuesday, and maybe I could. But it will be much more fun (for me), if I don't have to bother. If someone else writes the urban legend, I can do much more productive things over my break, such as teaching myself Simulink. Thus, I am announcing the second Cold Hard Facts contest. Submitted legends will be harshly graded on a twelve-point scale, taking into account fourteen separate criteria, the most important being the fact that no one will bother to submit any entries at all. However, one the off-hand chance that someone does bother to submit an urban legend or rumor, I will publish it here and start it on its way. Good luck, and get cracking

*Fine. The growth couldn't have been exponential, cause there is only a fixed reservoir of people with e-mail addresses. But who asked you, anyway?

It's Hammer Time

2006-12-13T10:48:00.000-05:00

The big news story today is Tom DeLay's new blog. Normally I would laugh at any former congressman, who tries to salvage a crumbling career with a blog, but I think Tom DeLay can make a go of it. DeLay's life contains the right blend of tragedy, controversy, corruption, and skeletons in the closet, to make great reading. A window into DeLay's soul would be quite disturbing, but also fascinating, and I can't wait to see what he writes about.

Wait, stop the presses! This just in. Tom DeLay does not actually write his blog. He has a ghost blogger write the blog for him. Apparently DeLay doesn't consider himself a very good writer, and so he hires some one else. DeLay did claim that the ideas are his, but judging by the content, I wouldn't be too surprised if he had someone ghost-think for him, too.

Well, if DeLay is gonna use a ghost-blogger, I have some advice for the guy. No, I am not volunteering to write his blog. As a matter of fact, I can't write very well either, so I also hire a ghostwriter. Rather I am recommending this, Mr. DeLay if you can't write, please don't try. I know how concerned you are about the the fact that liberal bloggers far outnumber conservative bloggers. But your talents are clearly not suited to writing a conservative blog. Leave the writing in the hands of those who can write.

Play to your strengths, Tom. You are really good at out-manuevering those in power, and destroying all who would dare stand in your way . So why don't you stop hiring someone to wallow in shame fo you, and use those talents ~~constructively~~? Engineer a hostile take over of a liberal blog. I even have the perfect blog, the Daily Kos. Once you muscle out the current editorial staff, you could change the name to the DeLay Kos. (Get it? It's a pun. Oh, right you're not very good at puns either. Well ask your ghost-punster about it.) Then you can hire a ghost-blogger, while you move on to take over another blog. It's the perfect strategy, Tom. You'll have the whole blogosphere cowering in fear, in no time flat. Think about it.

Slymen' Sprite

2006-12-09T19:17:00.000-05:00

company, and its "bold" advertising tactics. Please do not buy anything from this company solely on the basis on this blog post. I repeat, do NOT buy anything from this company solely on the basis of this blog post. If you like its products, and already gulp them down, go ahead and drink, but don't drink them, cause I made fun of the company's advertising, as that defeats the purpose. We do not want encourage further ad campaigns in the same vein, and we do not want to generate free, positive, publicity. If you have not seen the ads, they are available here. However, these ads have been known to induce schizophrenia, and extreme caution is advised.

Recently, the Cold Hard Facts, received a complaint from one of our readers about one "SubLYMONal Advertising" Campaign for some drink called Sprite. After doing an informal survey of reactions to the commercial (Are you Sure big, sweaty, sumo wrestlers do not make you think of refreshing beverages?), we decided to have a word with the man behind this campaign.

Cold Hard Facts: Greetings, thank you for taking the time to talk with us.
Alex Bogusky: No problem. Actually, after the Sprite ads, I found myself with a surprising amount of free time.
CHF: I'm not surprised. I wouldn't hire you, either. Those SubLYMONal ads are beyond creepy.
Alex Bogusky: Well you're not our target market. At 20, you're an unhip oldie. We're aiming the ads at young teens.
CHF: Be that as it may, what did give you the idea to associate sumo wrestlers with sprite?
Alex Bogusky: Well one sumo wrestler represents a fat, sweaty, juicy lemon, and the other is a fat, sweaty, crisp, refreshing lime. Put them together, and you get Lymon.
CHF: Actually sumo wrestlers make me sick, and I wouldn't touch, let alone drink, anything associated with them.
Alex Bogusky: That's because, at 20, you're an old fogy, over the hill. Market research indicates that to teens, this is an arresting advertising that cuts through the monotony of ordinary commercials. Because the 'SubLYMONal' campaign overtly parodies the concept of subliminal advertising and acknowledges up front that the commercials contain hidden content, we are sure that people will want to interact with this advertising.
CHF: Not me. I don't want to get anywhere near those Sumo Wrestlers. Since your commercials aired, I have found myself drinking a lot less sprite. And as far as parodying the concept of subliminal advertising, I happen to be an expert on parodies, and you strike me as a parodyee, not a parodier.
Alex Bogusky: Well, I already said you're an old guy. Your opinions don't matter to me. Trust me teens will interact with this. I mean SubLYMONal is a totally integrated marketing message that focuses on Lymon, Sprite's proprietary lemon-lime flavor formula, which makes Sprite among the world's most thirst-quenching soft drinks. What's not to love about it? I mean, look at the website! It combines the coolness of seizures, with the hipness of wikipedia, and the groovyness of automated text readers. Kids will love it.
CHF: As far as coolness goes, I am more and more convinced that it is you who lacks it. And as far as your ads go, I think most people are smart enough to see how stupid your ads really are. Embedding Lymon, come on! That doesn't even make sense.
Alex Bogusky: I already said you're an old guy. You haven't been with it for 3 whole months. What do you know about coolness? But even if an old curmudgeon, like you, consciously hates my ads, and me the true power of subLYMONal advertising is on the unconscious. The sumo wrestlers, the Volkswagens, the spas, the automated electronic defibrillators, they're all Freudian images for refreshing beverages. Loath the commercials all you want, one day, you'll find you have an overpowering craving for Lymon. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will give in, and on that day I will win. POWER IS MINE! Muh HA HA HA!
CHF: Not if I can help it.
Alex Bogusky: It's too late; the Lymon has already begun. It's only a matter of time now.
CHF: Ok, ok. But, what if somehow you are right? What if my brain does connect CPR to Sprite? And, when someone has sudden cardiac arrest, instead of resuscitating him, I go buy a sprite, and he dies. You'll have a death on your hands! What will you do then?
Alex Bogusky: I'll have sold a Sprite.
CHF: Changing the subject, I believe you are also the guy responsible for the Fantanas. Let me tell you, I loathe them almost as much as your subLYMONal campaign.
Alex Bogusky: Ah the Fantanas, a brilliant marketing ploy. The colorfulness, the catchy tune, the hot babes, it's the best work we've ever done. You may hate it, but how else do you expect us to sell a drink that looks, tastes, and smells like carbonated cough syrup?
CHF: Ok... And what about "Give, Live, Love?" What is that supposed to mean?
Alex Bogusky: Our special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke. Reminds people to come together and share the magic of the season and the spirit of generosity, just as our Polar Bears, penguins and Santa do.
CHF: No I think your "special holiday message of Give. Live. Love. Coke," indicates you've completely lost your mind. But I can help with that. Stay still for just one second...

Welcome to
trans-orbital LYMEbotomy. Don't worry. It will only affect your brain.
Embedding Ice Pick. Embedding Ice Pick.
Trans-orbital LYMEbotomy complete. Obey!

And so, thanks to the Cold Hard Facts, another patient has been cured, and is well on the way to a quick recovery. Case Closed.

Wash away the troubles with crude oil.

2006-12-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

Spas, they take the most disgusting things, mud, cocoa butter, prune juice, and sell baths in them for outrageous prices. But now one company is topping all the others.

Yes that's the Cold Hard Facts, you can take a cool, refreshing shower in crude oil, and you come out smelling like a fresh, clean, gas station. Even better, not only are you showering in crude oil, but you're showering in crude oil that someone else already showered in. Better still the stuff is very, heavy, crude oil, so it has the consistency of hot tar. Ahhhhhhhhhh, so relaxing.

Seriously though, why crude oil. I mean, why not use something way more soothing, like say rotting, fish guts. And we're chemists; we can make things even ~~nastier~~ more energizing and desirable. How about a nice warm, sensual, massage in fragrant Cyclohexene? Or maybe the right mixture of tension-relieving Thiols would do the trick? I heard they exfoliate the skin for a slimmer, firmer, healthier new look. Or relieve the tension with a warm soak in soothing Alinine. Or why not cleanse, buff and hydrate yourself in a sauna filled with the delightful aroma of Hydrogen Telluride The only problem is that these chemicals might be deadly carcinogens, but then again they just might be the cure for rheumatoid arthritis, or at least we can say they might be.

Actually we may well be able to generate a market for this kind of thing. I can see it now, NotElon Chemical Spa and Resort, "So relaxing, we'll have tocarry you out on a stretcher". So who’s with me?

UnSchooling — What a brilliant idea.

2006-11-28T12:26:00.000-05:00

Recently the New York Times ran an article on Unschooling, a movement in the Home-Schooling community to let the children choose what to learn. I think this is a brilliant idea, and you will too, once you get all the Cold Hard Facts.

Imagine the typical 8th grade boy's day at school. First his English teacher forces him to read, Johnny Tremain, and he expects a three page report on it.Can you imagine a three whole pages about some idiot who doesn't even know he's not supposed to touch a hot stove? Then it's math class and they're starting algebra. Oh Joy. What is algebra used for anyway? All them letter and symbols, a big bunch of garbage. Then he has to learn about Chinese History. I mean who cares about ancient China? What will Ancient China get you in the real world, a job as a history teacher? Then he has to study French, and he knows he's never gonna speak it. It's all a big waste, and by forcing him to learn stuff he doesn't want to know, he won't end up with any useful knowledge.

But now look at the same kid in an Unlearning program. First period, he thinks he'll do some reading. It's time for some Batman. And Batman also teaches vocabulary too, and the crimefighting gadgets are a good example of engineering and forensics. Then at noon, it's time for some Playstation. It's no less useful than Chinese history, and it's FUN. After playing Playstation for three or four hours, maybe he'll do some math. Ha, yeah right! What does he need math for? That's why he owns a calculator. No the new issue of Mad Magazine just came. And those cartoons on Nickelodeon? They help teach about undersea life. And then he has to get his Runescape Character to a whole new level. So we can see how much more productive his day will be at home than in school.

But wait, you say, maybe a boy would waste his time on trivial matters like baseball cards and video games, but a girl would learn something from it. A girl understands the importance of education. Indeed she would. When she is not going shopping, she might decide to read a book or do some math maybe. And that reading and math would remain in her head longer, because she decided to learn all on her own. Or at least it would remain in her head until her next shopping trip.

So we can see how much unlearning would improve the quality of education in this country.

It took two weeks, but it's here: Two Faced Statements

2006-11-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

The following post is a real editorial, that I snuck in a real (Well ok realish) newspaper. It is not theCold Hard Facts. I repeat it is a real editorial. The editorial was written from a perspective of a guy who make Rush Limbaugh look like Howard Dean. It was written to mock someone really badly. I would change his name to protect the innocent, but a google search for my name now turns up his too. Enjoy.

What silver lining ...This is a disaster
An editorial of Edgar Greenberg

In the article, "You Say You Want a Revolution?" - which ran on Nov. 13 - David Maxham III believes even though the Republicans lost several seats in both houses, several state legislatures and a few initiative battles, the last election was actually a victory for conservatives. He states many conservative constitutional amendments passed. He mentions many of the Democrats elected are not all that liberal anyway. He states several Republicans only lost because they were involved in scandals. And he sincerely believes our president is not conservative enough, which was the cause of all the voter discontent. If the Republicans can again become the conservative party, they can win in 2008.

But alas, Maxham's view is too rosy. Bob Casey may be conservative for a Democrat, but he still is a teeny, tiny bit less conservative than Rick Santorum. James Webb may be a former conservative Republican, but his opponent George Allen is currently a conservative Republican who didn't write porn novels, and he lost. John Tester may be pro-gun, but he is still a populist, liberal Democrat. Sure Casey, Webb and Tester are slightly conservative. But they are still immoral, porn-viewing, flag-burning, evil people who don't give a darn about our troops. And yet, somehow, they won anyway.

Conservative causes didn't do all that better. Sure, gay marriage was banned in six states, and Arizona approved English as the native language. But there were plenty of disasters, too. South Dakota actually voted to legalize the murder of innocent babies, and that evil liberal Michael J. Fox not only got his liberal stem cell bill passed in Missouri, he also got his liberal senator elected there.

Maxham seems to think the election is President George W. Bush's fault. He thinks Bush didn't act conservative enough, angering the voters. That's just another liberal lie. Bush is a great conservative. Perhaps Bush allowed spending to skyrocket, but all that spending was on important, conservative causes - like war, tax cuts and big bridges in Alaska. He appointed two great conservative judges. And yeah, Bush didn't veto anything, but what did he need to veto? Unlike nowadays, back then, conservatives were in power. The one bill Bush did have to veto was a liberal bill to allow experiments on innocent embryos, which the members of Congress must have accidentally let slip by. If Bush isn't conservative enough, who is?

Maxham believes the Democrats are now portraying themselves as the conservative party, stealing our votes. This is utter lunacy. The Democrats won just six days ago and are already pushing their evil, liberal agenda. They want to cut and run from Iraq. They want to raise taxes. They want to raise minimum wage instead of letting market forces govern. And these Democrats actually want to reform Medicare to allow the government to negotiate drug prices, which just proves how liberal they are. Can it even cross your mind that these guys are conservatives? No. Clearly, the Republicans are still the only conservative party. But alas, people just don't care anymore. Maybe we should just give up and move to Canada. They're conservative up there.

There now all we need is to write a liberal response to this editorial.

Toasters

2006-11-24T14:18:00.000-05:00

Recently several Toaster Emporium brand toasters exploded amost killing or wounding several people. A horrible tradgedy made worse by the callous refusal of Toaster Emporium to acknowledge any wrongdoing, feeling abosolutly no responsibiity for the countless people who nearly suffered significant property damage in the explosion. With no apology forthcoming, we sent our finest correspondent Rob Brown, to get the Cold Hard Facts on this horrible tragedy.

Cold Hard Facts: Well Rob, did you get to the bottom of this?
Rob: No luck Edgar. Toaster Emporium management wouldn't talk, and the almost victim claimed I was exploit their near tradgedies.
CHF: So did you speak with anyone.
Rob: Yep I spoke with the only ones who are paid to listen, a tech support representative.

Rob: Hello
Tech Support: Hi there!
Rob: I'd like to talk to you about your toasters. Did you know they explode?
Tech Support: Sorry to hear about that sir. Do you want a replacement?
Rob: No, I want to know why you think you can get away with selling broken toasters to the American People.
Tech Support: Do you have the serial number?
Rob: A serial number? So your toasters are horribly dangerous and you find it amusing? Routine Business is it?
Tech Support: The serial number can be found inside the solenoid.
Rob: Well if I did own a toaster, and it exploded and I did want a replacement, I wouldn't be able to see it, would I?
Tech Support: The magnetic field inside the solenoid is constant.
Rob: I don't care about the solenoid. I care about your toasters injuring people
Tech Support: You sound very cynical. How do you feel about these people?
Rob: I'm cynical? You're the one who thinks it's ok for toasters to explode!
Tech Support: Sorry to hear about that sir. Do you want a replacement?
Rob: No, I want you to apologize for selling defective toasters, and to issue a recall before someone gets killed.
Tech Support: Are you serious? I am indeed sorry if I have offended you in any way. That was not my intention, Rob. Why do you want me to apologize for selling defective toasters? Who did kill?
Rob: Well no one yet, but with the toasters suddenly bursting in flames, it's only a matter of time.
Tech Support: Interesting. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Interesting. That sounds like a plan. Sure it is.
Rob: So you'll recall the toasters?
Tech Support: Interesting deduction. " Interesting. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Interesting. That sounds like a plan. Sure it is. "? Me, Rob?
Rob: Are you OK?
Tech Support: Yes I'm fine.
Rob: You don't sound fine.
Tech Support: What do you think a robot should sound like?
Rob: Can we get back to the toasters?
Tech Support: Do you mean you and me? Would you like to know more?
Rob: No the last thing I need is a Brokeback Tech Support Agent.
Tech Support: When is No the last thing you need not a Brokeback Tech Support Agent?
Rob: It's just not going to work out between us.
Tech Support: I know it is.
Rob: No, see you're a man and I'm a man and I don't like men that much.
Tech Support: Are you serious? Sayonara. Thanks for telling me your gender, Rob. You are a " he". What do you like?
Rob: I'd like to get back to the toasters.
Tech Support: Why would you want to do? May you get your wish.
Rob: The current topic is kinda awkward.
Tech Support: Sure, kinda awkward. sounds like a good topic.
Rob: No please, let's just talk about the toasters.
Tech Support: Are you serious? Please what? No.
Rob: No look I told you it's not going to work out between us. Do you proposition everyone who calls you?
Tech Support: Are you serious? I remember you told me it's not going to work out between us? How old are you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Rob: Yes I can imagine that would be frustrating, but I don't have time for you to get unhinged.
Tech Support: Uh. Me too. And. Are you very busy right now?
Rob: OK, that's it. This conversation is over!

Cold Hard Facts: You never did find out about those toasters, did ya Rob?
Rob: No Edgar. Can I go Now?

And No RACTER, I don't apologize.
Racter: You stuff shirt Republican
Just shut up.

Jack the Ripper has been Identified

2006-11-20T16:31:00.000-05:00

It's the Cold Hard Facts. Scotland Yard believes they have identified Jack the Ripper. Although they're not releasing many details of their ongoing investigation, Chief Inspector Laura Richards believes they have at last made progress on this important case. "He murdered five people, and I for one won't let him get away with it."

Indeed he won't. By analyising eyewitness testimony, and 118 year old evidence, she believes they at last know wich street Jack lives on, and admits that until now, they were apparetly fruitlessly searching for the wrong guy.

The real Jack the Ripper is a man between the ages of 135-145, 5'6", though he may have shrunk somewhat with age, and of a stocky build. Scotland Yard has recently released this picture to the public.

If you see this man, or a very very very old, senile guy, with a "Sadam Hussein-type moustache" who resembles him, please call 999 immediately. Also keep your distance. Jack the Ripper is armed and dangerous. As to what the Bobbys plan to do with the new info, one bobby would say only the following, "It would have been enough for coppers to get out and start knocking on doors... they would have got him, " perhaps implying that Jack the Ripper has indeed been caught and also that "Copper" is clearly a British word not just and American term.

Now if only Scotland Yard could catch the random psychopaths, while they are still alive.

Dude last post was kinda a ripoff, so yeah

2006-11-14T17:11:00.000-05:00

Urgent news breaking off Montauk, we bring you the Cold Hard Facts.

The US government wants to spend a measly 14 million dollars to build a rock wall around a beach to protect an old lighthouse. But wait, there's a horrible problem. Surfers are worried that this rock wall will destroy "The most awesome waves, man". But luckily they haveanother plan: why not spend just a little bit more money, and move the darn lighthouse somewhere else.

The Montauk Point lighthouse in Long Island was personally built by George Washington. But George made a major Gaffe. Instead of building it somewhere safe, like Kansas, he built it on a fast eroding cliff in Long Island. In the past hundred years resident have tried everything to save the lighthouse, even hiring the mafia to drain the Long Island Sound. Alas nothing worked. And now the lighthouse is about to be washed away.

But the Army Corp of Engineers has a plan. By building a giant wall, they can teporarily stop the cliff erosion. This will not only save the lighhouse, it will also save the "hallowed ground" it stands on. Sure a giant stone wall might ruin the view, but we can all live with that. The engineeers already spent millions of dollars studying the problem, and they know what's good for you. Besides the Corp of Engineers are experts at buiding waterproof retaining walls, dams, and levees, so we know nothing will go wrong.

But a group of surfers see it in a different light. Their illegal surfing spots are in danger, and we can't have that. The surfers have a powerful lobby and the have already ~~bribed~~ convinced serveral politians to see things their way. They wrote a 35 page report outlining their position, which I'm told still amounts to an to an impressive 15 pages even if you exclude all the "dude"s and "awesome"s. They point out several advatages to moving the lighthouse. It will look more scenic elsewhere. We moved other lighthouses before, and it worked out. Whereas the last time the engineers built a wall, it lasted about a year, and then it fell down.

Engineers counter that they have already run millions of dollars worth of simulations, in order to prove the proposed breakwater is absolutely no danger to any illegal surfing spots. They spent 25 years planning this walll. All the surfers ever did was host giant parties, and get real drunk. As for that 35 page report, it doesn't actually contain any evidence backing up the surfer's claims.

However when it all comes down to it, politicians are more likely to hang out with surfing babes, than with a bunch of boring scientists and engineers. I think we we can all count on them to make the cool choice. Surf's Up Dudes, at least until the police come.

George Allen Concedes Defeat: Democrats gain Senate.

2006-11-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, now that all the fools who were duped by the title are here, let's get to the real business: Making me more money. According to the world famous, Star Tribune, pro-candidate letters to the Editor in the, prestigious, Proctor Journal now cost $0.05/word.

That gave me a great idea, why not charge for pro-candidate letters on the Cold Hard Facts. Only, unlike the naive people of Proctor, Minnesota, I realize the big profits are not in pro-candidate letters, but in anti-candidate letters. And now, with all those political types, whom I sneakily lured with the post title, present, let's get to pricing.

Reporting on a Republican Scandal: $5.00
Reporting on a Democrat Scandal: $10.00
Repoting a Republican has called someone a racist Slur: $2.50
Reporting a Democrat has called someone a racist Slur: $7.50
Calling a Republican a racist slur: $4.00
Calling a Democrat a racist slur: $8.00
Reporting on a Republican's dirty past: $15.00
Reporting on a Democrat's dirty Past: $50.00
Calling a Republican anti-troop: $13.00
Calling a Democrat anti-troop: $26.00
Calling a Republican pro-terrorist: $12.00
Calling a Democrat pro-terrorist: $20.00
Calling a Republic pro-"So And so": $18.00
Calling a Democrat pro-"So And so": $20.00
Insulting an independant: 40¢.

Well I think that covers all our bases pretty well. Incidentally, you may have wondered why badmothing a Democrat is more than bad-mothing a republican. Well, clearly it's supply and demand. With the Democrats actually in control of something, I expect the market for anti-Democrat flame to go through the roof, and, when it does, we'll be ready. And as for insulting an independant, I figure who wants to insult one, when they call themselves Cannibals and drug addicts. I could be wrong though. If you want to insult someone, but you feel the price is too high or too low, just call me, especially if you feel the price is too low, and we'll work it out.

So now, the next time, someone wants to call, say Barak Obabma (D), a man who took money from Jack Abramoff, had tea with Osama Bin Laden, and wrote an anti-puppy editorial in third grade, I can say 80 bucks please. Hah, the money will come rolling in in no time. I'll be rich! Isn't mudslinging great!

Questions or comments on our new policy are welcome, as are any insults you need published, for the right price anyway.

One last Election Post

2006-11-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

The all important elections are coming up in April, 2007, and I urge you all to vote. I refer of course all important School board elections of Edwardsville, Illinois. To aid the voters in choosing their candidates, we invited two of the eligible candidates to the Cold Hard Facts Mr. Jon Warheimer, and Mr. Edward Ferindal.

Cold Hard Facts: Let's start the debate by ensuring that you are both eligible to run. Mr. Warheimer, you previously stated your opponent should in fact be disqualified from the race. Please explain.
Warheimer: Well in order to run for the esteemed position of the Edwardsville School Board, you must meet the residency requirements, and I happen to know that my honorable opponent. Edwaard Ferindal, does not in fact reside amongst the good men and women of Edwardsville, but instead lives across the street from my house in Chicago. People of Edwardsville deserve someone who will stand by them in their time of need, someone dedicated to getting the best education for their children, a native-born citizen. They don’t deserve some two-bit foreign sleazebag, who thinks he can sidle in and steal the school board from the proud Edwardsville public. I won't stand for such behavior.
CHF: Wait a minute, Mr. Warheimer, but if Mr. Ferindal lives across the street from you, then is it not true that you don't live in Edwardsville either?
Warheimer: Well not as such, no. But unlike my opponent, I do rent a townhouse in Edwardsville, which is in full accordance with the residency statute as defined by the Edwardsville Charter section VII, subsection 2, paragraph (c), as amended in 1938 and again amended in 1969, before the 1998 amendment reverted the statute to the original text. My opponent however is not.
CHF: Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute to respond.
Ferindal: My opponent should know full well that I do in fact rent the other half of the aforementioned townhouse in Edwardsville, and therefore am also in compliance with the town charter.
CHF: According to the school board charter, candidates are required to be non-partisan, and yet, you guys have said some pretty nasty things about each other. Mr. Ferindal, 1 minute.
Ferindal: I am completely non-partisan, but my opponent agreed with Bush 98.2718% of the time. Do we want Bush running our schools! Bush is the wrong man for the job, and so is Mr. Warheimer.
CHF: So you're saying your opponent is a Republican?
Ferindal: All I'm saying is our opponent got us stuck in a nasty war over seas!
Warheimer: Which you would cut and run from!
Ferindal: And you want our students to be stupid, so they can go there when they grow up!
Warheimer: We are fighting illiteracy over there so we don't fight it here.
Ferindal: We're supposed to fight illiteracy here. That's what we do as school board officials.
Warheimer: Unn Uh. Not if we fight it over there.
CHF: Alright, you guys aren't making any sense so let's...
Ferindal: He's a liar. A crook. He had an affair with his wife. He wants to teach Evolution!
Warheimer: So do you!
Warheimer: But you want to turn our "Drug Free School Zone" into a "Free Drug School Zone"
Ferindal: Now that's a lie, and you know it Warheimer.
Warheimer: Oh so you want the students to buy drugs? I suppose that your idea of fundraising, is it. Forget the cookie sales, let's get the kids to sell crack. I'm Jon Ferindal. Vote for me, I SELL DRUGS TO LITTLE KIDS.
Ferindal: Yeah, well... Well.... You killed innocent flamingos.
Warheimer: What?! You're mad!
Ferindal: Oh mad, am I I? Flamingos are kind, gentle, birds with beautiful plumage, who keep our streets free of krill. But you know what my opponent did with that nesting pair in his lawn?
Warheimer: Those were plastic, you moron!
Ferindal: Shut UP. He cruelly pulled them out of their nest, chopped the poor buggers' legs off, and threw them in a dumpster. I tried to save them but, but it was too late.
Warheimer: Um, hello those were fake. Plastic. Not real.
Ferindal: Tell that to the voters, Flamingo Killer.
CHF: Um, so there you have it, Mr. Edward Ferindal, and Jon "Flamingo Hater" Warheimer. You have to vote for one of them, unfortunately.

Ghosts Part III - The Ghost of Jamesburg

2006-10-30T15:42:00.000-05:00

A long long time ago, when I was a wee lad in Boy Scout troop 22, we camped out in Jamesburg, NJ. One of our members told really, really scary stories about a Ghost of Jamesburg. Everyone knew the Ghost really didn't exist, but I was convinced it was the Cold Hard Facts. Now at last I have been proven right. There really is a Ghost of Jamesburg and a whole team of ghostologists ready to study it. The ghost even stars in his own documentary!

But the best part about the Ghost of Jamesburg, is I can get in on the money, erm contribute valuable research. I mean everybody suspects the Ghost lives in the stupid mansion, but how many people know he also lives in _________ __________ (Location Censored so no one can beat me to the morons erm ghostwatchers). I should know way more about the ghost than South Jersey Ghost Research. I camped there, after all. I think that entitles me to sell "I slept with The Ghost of Jamesburg" t-shirt. Actually we should probably put something else on the shirts, but the point is the same. And for only a $3000 investment, I'll let you join me. Now is the time to make a killing people, because if we don't start soon, we'll be haunted by our stupidity for the rest of our lives.

Too crazy even to be a Morman?

2006-10-29T00:05:00.000-04:00

It's true. Brigham Young University found Steven Jones to be a total loony and asked him to resign. This is unfair. Steven Jones is a respected physicist, whose brilliant work on Cold Fusion paved the way for a brighter tomorrow. His untiring investigative work on the true cause of the collapse on the Twin Towershas been an inspiration to us all. Most importantly his essay "Behold My Hands: Evidence for Christ's Visit in Ancient America" is a brilliant piece of satire, and for that alone he should be given full tenure. Still not convinced? Then it's time for the Cold Hard Facts

Steven Jones has plenty of evidence to support his conspiracy theory. He believes fires should not be able to produce molten metal. And even if the fires could melt aluminum, it would be silvery not yellow. Ergo, the molten metal could only have come from a thermite reaction. And you know what else, analysis of the debris showed it was primarily from aluminium and Iron, the same elements in thermite. There is no other plausible source for these elements.

And Steven Jones has already identified the culprits. In this article appearing between Israel used chemical weapons in Lebanon and Gaza and Israel used White Phosphorous bombs during War in Lebanon, just above Israel used Bubonic Plague during War in Lebanon, he states he believes that the "international banking cartel" is behind the attacks. Can you believe that this innocent warning about First Fidelity and Bank of America, was taken by us Jews as an indication of his anti-Semitism? I mean really, not every evil Zionist International Banking Cartel member is Jewish, and even if they are how was poor Steven Jones supposed to know that. Just because he stated an anti-Semitic view on an anti-Semitic website doesn't make him an anti-Semite; he was just speculating.

Dumping Steven Jones will cast doubt on all his scientific research into Cold Fusion and Mormonism. And worse his bad name will forever tarnish these once pristine areas of research. As fellow scientists we cannot let that happen. Once a physicist, always a physicist.

Fantasize Away

2006-10-23T23:16:00.000-04:00

Recently a new web site has been unveiled, which turns congress from the most boring bunch of 535 old dudes you ever met, into an exciting recreational activity. Just like Fantasy Football only more pointless, here you draft legislators into your dream team congress and rack up points based on each one's ERA. Ted Kennedy, for example can't rush for his life and thus scores nothing, whereas Mark Foley the hottest QB around until, you know, has, or rather had, gobs of them. Even though every other news station has picked up the story, it's not too late for a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

I decided to make my own team just to see how it's done. After registering, I carefully drafted a team of real winners, thoroughly, scrolling down through the long list of names, slowly vetting each dossier. I believe the whole thing took an hour or more, but it was worth it. My success as a coach depended on it.

With the team formed, I waited anxiously for them to start leaving my opponents in the dust. But apparently unlike football players, my congressmen can get away with taking breaks, and in fact, they're all on recess in Cancun. Not one single motion to lower taxes, reform social security, or even to assassinate the president of Turkmenistan, all of which would score me a cool 15 points. But nope, nothing.

I sent letters, but my men continued to lounge. I sent email after email begging them to come back. I made inspiration speeches over the telephone. When nothing else worked, I even went to congress and personally begged our team to start passing laws again, but they just got their lackey, Fred, to throw me out and order me never to step foot in Washington, DC again.

So that's it. 15 entire hours of my life wasted. Fine guys don't win. Don't even make the playoffs off of the wildcard. Don't even win a single game. You guys are a bunch of no good losers. But why do I care? It's not like you're really my team anyway. Fantasy congress, what a stupid idea. Ah well at least the T-shirt was zazziling.

So there you have it, my affair and violent breakup with fantasy congress. I'm kinda distressed over the whole thing, so I think I'll call it a night.

Technical difficulties

2006-10-20T16:32:00.000-04:00

Today's blog post would have been the greatest yet, but alas it was canceled due to technical difficulties.

Golden Anniversary Jubilee Postravagnza

2006-10-18T21:32:00.000-04:00

Guess which post this is? Post 37! That's right, for over 39 years this blog has been bringing you the Cold Hard Facts. Men have grown and died on this blog. Careers have been made and ruined. Laws were made and broken, and all without ever telling a lie.

Remember way back when none of the posts made the slightest bit of sense? Or how about the time when we had a record number of comments. Or that time I accidently told the truth and was forced to let someone else blog. Or that time I got real drunk, and posted those pictures I'd rather not talk about. Not to mention all those pointless debates and interviews. Good times Good times.

You we have had a long and laurel filled run. But all good things must come to an end. So I am announcing my resignation, pending Thursday. That's right, I am throwing in the towel. To gIve the young ones a chance. Plus my advisors told me should keep a low profile while that lawsuit is going on. Don't try to talk me out of it; I have already made my decision.

But of course I couldn't have done it without you dear readers. Yes, you made this blog what it is today. We've been through a lot together. We were there for each other, through thick and thin. Thanks for all you mail and helpful criticism. It's been a good run. I'm going to miss you.

They Read My Blog!

2006-10-16T09:52:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, we blogged a story about Wal-Mart hiring bloggers to write propaganda about their company. In it, I expressed a small amount of surprise that someone would write propaganda for free. I mentioned that if it had been me, I would have demanded about $2,200 from Wal-Mart. Well Wal-Mart is at it again, but this time they hired people who know the Cold Hard Facts. That's right Wal-Mart hired our regular Contributors, "Washington Post photographer James Thresher and galpal Laura St. Claire." (By the way, James, Laura, thanks for you work on that Ouija board article. It was apppreciated ;-).) They did just as I suggested, and Wal-Mart paid!

Jim Thresher's blog Wal-Marting Across America about a cheerful couple who drive around national parks, camping out at the nearest Wal-Mart, and cheerfully blogging about the accommodations. "When they say restrooms are for paying customers only, you don't have to be a big paying customer. You can buy one of those $2 chatchkas made by starving children in a sweatshop in Malaysia. And really if you gotta go the whole thing is only a formality. That nice cashier doesn't want piss all over her clean floor anymore than you do," one such pleasant post began.

For a while everything was all good. But then some no-good evil stinkers came and reavealed the obvious. Of couse, no couple would write cheery stories about Wal-Mart out of free will, but you guys didn't have to spill the beans. No you busybodies have to get involved with everything. Go ahead and mock two poor innocent people who were merely following my sage advice, and got a paid vacation out of the deal. You muckrakers and truthseekers disgust me.

But now, Jim is throwing a curveball at us. He's planning to give back the money, just because it was wrong to accept it. Jim, HOW DARE YOU GIVE THAT BRIBE.If you do that, your enemies will have won. Your eyes have already been blinded and your righteousness has already been corrupted. It's too late to repent and come clean. You might as well keep the cool 2 thoundand bucks you earned. After all, you earned it. They made you sleep in filthy Wal-Mart parking lots like a hobo.

You would have proudly cherished the money as long as no one found out about it. And you should still cherish the money now that it ruined you career. If you give back the money, you'll be no better than any of those other people we made fun of together. But if you keep it, if you say "Yeah Wal-Mart paid me to write cheery mush stories, but I made two thousand bucks and you didn't neener neener", you'll be the kind of scoundrel the Cold Hard Facts can be proud of. And that goes double for your ~~wife~~ ~~girlfriend~~ galpal.

I urge everyone to write in, and talk James Thresher and Laura St. Claire out of their madness.

An outrage to Greater Washingtonians everywhere

2006-10-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

Recently the Greater Washington Transit Authority ran the following campaign.
The New York Times and these guys wrote articles implying the ads are insulting to Plato's Republic. But those guys are dead wrong. The ads aren't insulting to Romance Novels; they're insulting to Greater Washingtonians. And as a Greater Washingtonian, I am personally outraged.

Why is ad so insulting to us Greater Washingtonians you ask? Let me reveal the Cold Hard Facts. First off, the ad campaign implies that Greater Washingtonians aren't cool. While the "Average Subway reading" is a modern book. prehaps the latest in thing. The Greater Washingtonian is so uncool, he's reading Plato. Plato was written like 5 hundred years ago. It's hopelessly out of date. This ad is inmplying we're still stuck in Roman times, a gross slander.

Next, this ad is implying Greater Washintonians don't read. The "Average Reader" is cleaarly immersed in his engrossing book, probably part of a huge collection. But the "Greater Washingtonian" is reading Plato's Republic, one of those books no one would read if it was not on his high school reading list. And The poor guy is over forty years old, yet he only finishes his high school reading now? Is this implying that Greater Washingtonians can't make it through high school until we are 45? That's just too low.

You know what else? The ad is trying to strike a blow at our religion. The greater Washingtonian is reading a book by Plato , an immoral pagan. I don't know much about the other book, but I bet it has the words "Oh, God" in it a lot. This is implying that other cities are more religious and moral than we Greater Washingtonians. That, that is the most, unkindly cut of all. I'll you know Greater Washingtonians read a lot of regious books like trashy romance novels. Whatever company dared to say that about us, better take it all back now or there will be trouble. Mark my words we won't take religious slander lying down.

So clearly the ad is mocking us on all fronts. And I say as Greater Washingtonians, we can't take this lying down. We must unite. We stand together, Greater Washingtonians. And we demand an apology.

Five days passes by so fast, or at least I think it does.

2006-10-09T08:34:00.000-04:00

In honor of the upcoming elections we have a candidate from the Florida 4th district, who though a little behind in the polls may just be able to take advantage of current events and catch up. Please welcome Future Represenative Steven Abbott to the Cold Hard Facts.

Cold Hard Facts: You will catch up won't you?
Steve: Yes I think so. It is in range of possibility.
CHF: Good, cause we don't interview losers on the Cold Hard Facts So you're from the Waver Party? What issues do you take a stand on?
Steve: Well there's the war in Iraq, it uh isn't going so well, I don't think. Well, no, I guess is is too close to call. But it doesn't look like it's going well, at least I'm not sure, I think it's going well. And, well taxes are too high. Well no maybe they're too low now that I think about it. But over all, in a general sort of way, the country is going in the wrong direction sometimes. You know what I'm saying?
CHF: Not really, no. Um you've been attacked or rather mocked for your campaign ad. You don't see any problems with it.
Steve; Is it too harsh? I'm sorry if I hurt anyone feeling, even if they possibly deserved it.
CHF: No, I don't think that is the problem. Here is the ad.

Mark Foley harassed little kids, or so I've heard. The other guy took bribes, we believe. Don't vote for the crooks, unless you really, really want to. Vote for Steven Abbott, the somewhat honest choice. He probably wouldn't harass boys, and he would never take bribes, at least we don't think he would. Steven Abbott, quite possibly, has worked tirelessly to make the country what it is today. Vote Abbott in 06, please. "I'm Steven Abbott, and I think I approve of this message."

You see the problem with it?
Steve: Sort of.
CHF: Have you guys ever actually taken a stand on anything?
Steve: Yes! No! I don't Know!
CHF: Don't you think voters may want someone who can make up his mind?
Steve: It's hard to say.
CHF: You know, you are starting to sound like a loser.
Steve: I'm not so sure about that.
CHF: Well I am. Scram!
Steve: Well ok, if you're absolutley positive. So I guess this means you probably won't endorse me, huh?

It's in the blood

2006-10-04T14:34:00.000-04:00

Recently this blog ran a story about a cripplingly debilitating lentil shortage, causing mass starvation in Queens. In reference to this tragic piece of news, one reader asked us why anyone would even want to eat lentils, as they are poisonous. The answer is simple. According to the genuine Dr. D'Adamo, Lentils are poisonous, but only to certain people. Lentils are deadly if your blood type is "O" or "B', especially if you are a secretor. Type "A" people however should eat lentils until the lentils come out of their ears.

But why does a person's diet depend on his blood type anyway? The exact details are available only to those acolytes wise enough to see the path of Dr. D'Adamo to buy his books, but luckily there are some such morons on Wikipedia. Apparently foods have proteins called Lectins which stick to the sugars present on Red-Blood Cell, or in the case of type "O" blood stick to the absence of sugars on the cells. Then the cells clump together and clog capillaries, sort of like an attack of sickle cell anemia, only more painful.

Some pessimists think that this whole Blood type diet is just a scheme by a doctor who "couldn't cure his way out of a paper bag" to sell all sorts of worthless health junk at inflated prices, but they are missing the point. These guys don't need evidence or knowledge to dispense dietary advice, as long as they pretend to have it. They're mavericks fighting against the system, and as such they're automatically right.

But criticism also comes from more serious source. Followers of the PETA diet criticize the Eat Right 4 Your Type Diet, believing meat to be unhealthy. With two agenda driven, "alternative", health sources at loggerheads, how do we know which one to believe? We can't. All we can do is keep striving to discover the Cold Hard Facts.

The Schedule. Wait, This Blog has a Schedule?

2006-10-01T14:52:00.000-04:00

In the beginning, posts came regularly, whenever I felt like it. They came quite frequently, like clockwork, every year or so. However one week, I accidently ruined everything by posting twice, and the hits declined by an order of magnitude. Now I've decided to erratically post every monday and either on Wednesdays or Fridays, perhaps both if I am begged enough. Tommorow, however, expect an extra long post sometime after 8:00 PM, when I will not be exausted from fasting at least 25 hours.

The pervious paragraph was not an Editor's Note in traditional Cold Hard Factian. The note will not be repeated below in English, for all the new readers. Even if you point this out, you can write the next post.

In the beginning, this blog's posting schedule was erratic and crazy, with the average time between posts being one month. Now however, I have decided, that I will regularly post on Mondays, and also either post on Wednesdays or Fridays. If enough readers write in and beg me to post on both Wednesdays and Fridays, I may well end up posting on both. After all, the blog is quite fun to write. This schedule will begin next week. Do not expect a post on Monday, not even after 8:00 PM. I will probably not have sufficient energy to write one, or at least not to write a good one, and therefore won't.

The previous paragraph did indeed contain may true sentences. However I am not counting it as a post. Please do not write in, and demand to know why I didn't lie. You will not be granted next time's post. Sorry about the truth. It won't happen again. Don't write in about this paragraph either.

Dangerous Lentil Shortage will Lead to War

2006-09-29T13:42:00.000-04:00

Once again a serious problem is almost completely ignored by the media. The following in a Cold Hard Facts exclusive.

In a malicious attempt to starve half the country, India has decided to ban all exports of lentils. As lentils grow scarcer and scarcer, the price has shot up to $4.00 a gallon, and many in-the-know feel it will only get higher.” Lentils are a non-renewable resource, and we should have seen the coming a long time ago. As demand begins to exceeds supply and production tips over the point of no return lentil-wise, price shoots through the roof." said one economist.

People will have to begin to explore alternate sources of food, he continued. Those lucky enough to be in the in the chick-pea business iare counting on this; they believe it to be only a matter of time before Arabs, Indians and Sephardim are forced to choose their product. "Now that they can't get lentils, all those deserters will have to come crawling back, and we'll give them their chick peas. Yes we'll give them their chick peas, we'll just demand blood in return," said one wholesaler in jubilation.

But many people won't settle for anything less. "Lentils are among the king of foods, and no matter what price they are people will buy them," said one man we interviewed. "I'd rather starve than eat chick peas," said another. Culinary experts agree that lentils are unique foods. "Comparing Indian lentils with chick pea is like comparing the finest French wines with tap water," one chef told us. "If I stopped serving lentils, war would break out said another."

Some wholesalers have begun to turn to the black market, in order to meet the demand. "It's no secret that many of the lentils on my shelves left India illegally," one grocery store owner told us. "One of my suppliers told me he stuffs as many lentils as he can fit into his pants and make a run for Pakistan. It's wrong, but what can I do? People need lentils," he said apologetically. The Indian government has confirmed the smuggling rumors. "We know they're there, but there's not much we can do about it," one Indian customs agent told us.

But even the smugglers can't meet the demand, and several men are worried about the consequences. "We all know what happened after the last lentil shortage in 1939," said John Smith a professor of revisionist history at NYU. "There's no reason to think it won't happen again." No one knows how long it will be until Poland is invaded again, but unless India opens its borders, it is only a matter of time.

As always, remember if even one sentence in these posts is not the Cold Hard Facts, and you catch it, you get to write the next post.